I have exciting things to report: our intrepid trio continue to fight for the greater footballing good – battling interminable desert sand storms, blistering temperature and general indifference – the park progress. Flying high above the footprint of Footballland I can imagine the splendour that awaits, which is good because it's just sand at the minute. BUT meanwhile our brave threesome not only continue the build, but bring us THREE new attractions too!!!

Robbie Fowler's Growler

While the boys struggled to imagine Robbie Fowler in any other era than the 1990s, they luckily didn't struggle to imagine him with a massive bush and a series of animals that growl...

Calf and a Half

Petting zoo, centaur ride, I think not!! How about a field full of sexy, sexy, sexy leg shaped sexual aids. Imagine 'Field of Dreams' meets 'A Christmas Story' and you're about half way there.

The Referee's A W*nker

The less said about this the better. Give it a listen. If you can.

Yours lovingly,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Another glorious week of Footballland is upon us, and what a week of Footballland last week was, no? EXCITING NEWS ALERT!! We have broken ground! We think... (TBC) Either way Mark is out in Qatar, we think... (or Saudi Arabia (TBC)) and he's employed a local (TBC) building contractor/builder/man who is definitely doing stuff.

Robbie Keane's Roly Poly Shooting Gallery

Ryan brings us one of the most iconic and poorly executed celebrations in football BUT in the form of a triathlon and possibly lots and lots of animal cruelty, (TBC).

Headless Chickens FC

Mark opens up about his former addiction to games consoles, it's hard to know whether this is a pitch or some kind of alternative therapy, however you won't be surprised to discover that clones are involved. And somebody with a massive head.

The Footballer Vacation Simulator

Want to live the high life? Or just look really bored on an identikit holiday of your mate's? Well, why have to choose when you can hop aboard the The Footballer Vacation Simulator.

We can't wait for you all to visit Footballland. Next week - let's do it all again!!

Yours lovingly,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Well, we must apologise again, not sure to who, but to somebody for sure... Yes we've failed, yet again, to break ground on Footballland but we're not really worried because it's all sand and sand is dead easy to dig so, you know... In other news Anthony is having a lovely time in Hawaii as he makes his way "the other way" around the world back from Tuvalu, so as not to lose a day AND then there's the small matter of coming up with three excellent new rides too:

The Quadruple Loople

Mark pitches the impossible, which we thought had been done before on Footballland but this time it's really impossible, it's a ride that recreates all the hype and all the reality of an English club trying to complete the quadruple. (Community Shield excluded, T&Cs apply).

It's Alive

Anthony suggests an alternate use for Martin Tyler: mad scientist. What better way to celebrate the history of football than to take one of the most famous catchphrases of recent years and add a letter? Join Martin for some Frankenstein-ish goings on, oh and some snooker too.

The Mark Drapery

If you're going bring your antiques to Qatar to get polish by Juan Sebastian Veron then you might as well get your soft furnishing whipped up too, right? Well at least Ryan thinks so. (Bloody interns!!)

Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and lots of love!

With love from,

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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It's all kicking off in Tuvalu! Anthony has started the newest, spiciest rivalry in football. After beating them in an 11 vs 1 game, he has now started to berate them and insult them whenever possible. Needless to say, we've not started building yet BUT we did come up with three excellent new rides:

Ten Hag Pin Bowling

Man Utd have tried everything to not be sh*t recently, and failed, but it's possible that Anthony might have a solution for them – 46 pin bowling! What better way to make squad choices that to knock down random pins representing members of the squad. Sound more plausible than something called Ed Woodward.

Lee Cars Lee

Ryan loves a car park doesn't he, he just can't help himself. While it's not another car park this time (thank god) it is another car park based pitch, it's the Lee Cars Lee! Who better to look after your car than Lee Carsley? Only one small hitch with this one, Lee might not want to give you your car back...

The Draught Excluder

Mark loves nothing more than at the end of a hard day, to crawl inside a giant sausage skin and lie in front of a draughty front door belonging to an old lady. So he made a ride out of it. At least I think that's what this is.

Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and lots of love! Oh and join our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

With love from,

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Greetings Footballland Earholders!

What a sunny day it is here in Western Samoa, Doha and Butlins Minehead respectively! The team at Footballland are working around the clock to bring you the first, best, biggest and only football themed theme park in Qatar, ready for the World Cup in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar in 2022, in Qatar, and we've almost started building!

The three brand new rides for the park this week are as follows:

Father & Son - The Big Man / Little Man Combo

Ryan suggests having a service where disappointed dads can adopt a footballer to replace their hugely inadequate son. This leads to a conversation on the ethics of cloning, how to breed the perfect footballer and the curious case of Roy Keane Button.

The Open Top Bus Parade Rollercoaster

How can you have a football themed theme park without a rollercoaster in the shape of an open top bus parade? Has there ever been a double decker rollercoaster, and would anyone sit on the bottom deck apart from James Milner?

Mount Mason 

Anthony has been reading about Everest recently and just how busy it is. So he suggests building a mountain one foot higher in the shape of Mason Mount. Thus the strain of Mount Everest would be relieved and climbers the world over can get intimately acquainted with every nook and cranny of the Chelsea and England international. 

And don't forget to send us your ride ideas! We'll feature every single one. 

With love from, 

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

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Welcome one and all to Footballland! 

After a slight mix up two of the trio are in Goa, India, while our Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison is in Doha. So we've been left with no option but to delay the building of our theme park by yet another week. 

Instead, we have decided to come up with THREE brand new rides for the world's first football theme park, in Qatar, for the World Cup in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar.

This week - a ride dedicated to the greatest goalkeeper you never saw, plus why is Jermaine Jenas giving our guests penis extensions? AND we pump one lucky punter full of drugs every minute! Will you be.... way too pumped?

And don't forget to send us your ride ideas. Get them here in time for us to build the park though!

With equal love and professional respect,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern) 

And don't forget to send us your ride ideas. Get them here in time for us to build the park though!

With equal love and professional respect,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern) 

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Hello from Saudi Arabia! 

The boys are in Saudi (although Mark is in fact in Qatar) to build the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar in 2022 in Qatar, in Qatar! 

And what a theme park it's set to be. With over 200 rides and 17 different themed toilets there truly is something for everyone. And instead of building the thing this week, we decided to come up with three brand new rides! 

The Rebekah Vardy Escape Room 

Help! Peter Andre's penis has been lost in the North Sea! Can you help find it, then defend Rebekah Vardy against accusations of his murder? In this courtroom themed escape room, guests will relive the famous Rooney-Vardy case with an added twist! 

Groundswell

Have you ever wanted to hop around all 92 football league stadiums while sprinkling water on them to keep them hydrated? Are you an elderly person with an urn full of tea? Come to Groundswell where you're guaranteed to pass the time. 

The Hall Of Past/Future Mirrors 

In yet another exhibit where our Chief Ride Engineer 'hasn't quite yet worked out the technology', guests can see what they would have looked like as a 17 year old academy graduate AND what they will look like as a grizzled 58 year old former pro turned pundit with a driving band and a hatred of exuberant haircuts! It's the Hall of Past/Future mirrors! 

And as ever please send us your ride ideas. We'll discuss every single one! 

Anthony Richardson (Footballland CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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For the first time in Footballland history, the boys are in the Middle East! Anthony is in the Holiday Inn in Doha, Ryan is in The Marriott in Doha, and Mark is in Saudi Arabia. Time is really running out to build this park - at this rate we’re looking at building one ride per day before it opens - but Mark suggests we invent THREE more attractions this week before starting construction in earnest next Monday.

Ashley Young Getting Bird Poo In His Mouth: The Ride

Remember when Ashley Young jogged along the pitch with his mouth slightly open and a bird (possibly a seagull) pooed in it? It was an iconic moment in English football and to date has never been turned into a ride at a theme park. That is about to change, with Ashley Young Getting Bird Poo In His Mouth: The Ride.

The Damp Squib Factor

Football is mostly a bit rubbish, isn’t it? Games can be hyped up beyond all recognition on Sky Sports then the game is so offensively dull the image is burned onto your plasma TV screen. Our chief ride engineer Mark insists that we make Footballland a bit rubbish somehow so that football fans get the true football experience, and none of that Disney muck.

The Watcher

At Footballland we’re keen for fans to have a good time before they even get here, so we’re rigging up 360 webcams in the park so that guests can watch from a variety of authentic footballing angles. If you like watching other people having fun, this one’s for you!

Remember, we *need* your ride ideas to fill up Footballland. Send them to us. Send them to us NOW. We’ll discuss every single one on the show.

Most Kind Regards,

Anthony Richardson (CEO of Footballland)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Finally something for the children! 

Paul Ince is in danger of being forgotten by the youth of today, so what better way to revive his playing career than by creating a giant inflatable side with the bloody headband he wore in Turin?

Plus we immortalise the 7 (SEVEN) touches Romelu Lukaku made in a Premier League game against Crystal Palace with a brand new sport involving a judo ring, a front door and a carpenter's tool bag. 

AND commentator Nigel Adderley brings you 'Hit The Stanchion.' His full email read: 'Hi all at Footballland. Here's an idea for you: Hit The Stanchion.' There has never been a brief so short in the history of Footballland but we think that Nigel will approve of the outcome. 

Please keep sending us your ride ideas. We'll feature each and every one. 

Anthony Richardson (CEO of Footballland) 

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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We did it again, didn't we? Yep, we only went and came up with THREE sexy new attractions! We don't care how close it's getting until we're supposed to be opening the park, because we KNOW we can get it done. Plus why deny the future patrons of Footballland three new sexy attractions. Right?

A big thanks to Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who returns to pitch. Would you like to pitch us a ride? Get involved. Message us. DO IT NOW.

Le Le Tissier Conspiracé

Remember Old Matt, he of embarrassing goalkeepers fame, well we think he might have gotten an inner-ear infection or something because it seems his brain's gone a bit wobbly of late, well that's the most I'll say about that to avoid any kind of defamation suit. But incase you've ever wondered how you could make a rollercoaster experience appear like a conspiracy theory, we've done it, so if haven't, you don't have to.

Pep's Over Thinking Obstacle Course

Thomas Stirewalt is BACK!! And he brings us peak-Pep. Yes, what do you get the man who's got everything, the ability to out think and defeat himself of course. Imagine one of those snakes eating it its own tail – that's Pep. And that's also this ride ... ish.

The House of the Unread

How many shirts get written on every week in the footballing world? How many actually get to get shown? The ratio is nightmarish. It doesn't even bear thinking about. Dare you ride The House of the Unread.

Hope you all have lovely, lovely, lovely, LOVELY week. Stay safe and please send us your ride ideas. We'll feature each and every one.

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Good morrow Footballland Earholders! 

Can you believe there's only 210 days until the World Cup? Which means there's just 209 days until we need to have built Footballland, the world's first football themed theme park (we're building it a day earlier just in case people have already got to Qatar).

This week we're excited to unveil THREE new rides, of which only one is a ride. The other two are experiences, and what incredible experiences they are! A big thanks to Patreon Phil Lee, who returns to pitch. Would you like to pitch us a ride? Get involved. Message us. DO IT NOW. 

THE UNSUNG HERO

You know that background music nobody really listens to in theme parks? We've sorted it. 3 hours of the most boring, so-inoffensive-it's-bordering-on-offensive football themed music we could find!

THE I LOVE FOOTBALL GLOBAL THEATRE (AND GYM?)

Still no idea why there's a gym involved, but thanks Phil Lee. And great for Eric Cantona to get involved. 

LIVE DRAW LOVE BALLS

Now you can experience the thrill of a numbered ball being drawn out of a massive machine as we create the biggest and only FA Cup draw simulator yet! Will you soil yourself? It's very likely!

And please send us your ride ideas. We'll feature each and every one. 

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Happy Easter to all our Footballland Earholders! And a special Happy Easter to Patreon Graham Boosey, who pitches the grass roots experience HE DOESN'T WANT IT.

Footballland is really taking shape now. With just 6 months until opening day we're proud to have designed nearly 200 rides directly or loosely related to football. And our Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison informs us that he will start building them as soon as he has a bit more free time.

So here's what the rides is this week:

EMERSON ROYAL WITH CHEESE

Mark makes the very dubious claim that all theme parks have waxworks (before failing to name a single proper theme park with a waxwork). He therefore demands that Footballland include a waxworks with all the footballers recreating famous scenes from Hollywood history.

HE DOESN'T WANT IT

Patreon Graham Boosey pitches us his nightmarish grass roots football experience, because if there's one thing the punters in Qatar need, it's a faithful reenactment of a hungover Sunday league game on Hackney Marshes. 

THE BACK PASS 

"Dare you ride The Back Pass?" A genuinely terrifying, thrill-every-other-minute offering from Anthony this week, who unveils a ride version of the scariest moment in football - when a back pass to the keeper is slightly underhit. 

As ever, send us your ride ideas for this wonderful theme park - we'll discuss each and every one. 

Yours lovingly and professionally, 

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern) 

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Greetings Footballland Earholders, 

And a special Footballland greeting to those of you interested in seeing a Fox In The Box placed in a perspex box the size of a penalty box with an actual fox. Boy are you in luck this week!

A huge thank you to our Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who pitches The Time Waster, the world's first Diego Simeone simulator! Plus our intern Ryan introduces a maze featuring THREE Dele Allis, all at varying stages of his career! If only Milton Keynes wasn't so difficult to get out of. 

Please keep sending us your Patreon rides, we'll feature them all. 

With love,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Greetings Footballland earholders!

It’s another week of dreamweaving here at Footballland HQ. We’ve been accidentally given $1 billion by the state of Qatar to build the world’s first football theme park and by jove we’re spending that money wisely. Plastic surgery to make 5 tickling fetichists look like Chelsea manager Thomas Tuchel? CHECK. A giant velcro catapult to chuck missing children back towards their worried parents? CHECK. An art installation hosted by Burnley’s Dwight McNeil? CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Here are this week’s rides:

TICKLY THOMAS TUCHEL

Really starting to worry about Anthony, to be honest. He’s convinced that there are people out there that get off on being tickled. He’s then suggested that we take 11 people (5 who get off on being tickled, 6 who absolutely hate being tickled) and plastic surgery them into the shape of Thomas Tuchel, then let them loose around the park as, what, greeters? The idea is that Footballland patrons must decide whether to tickle or be tickled. It’s completely absurd. Did it get voted in? Of course it did.

IT’LL BE ALL DWIGHT ON THE NIGHT

So Ryan isn’t all that much better than Anthony this week. He wants Dwight Yorke to present a daily blooper reel at Footballland for all the guests that had an accident while at the park. But then he hedges his bets in case this idea is awful and chooses instead to have every footballer called Dwight, plus the reanimated body of Dwight Eisenhower, performing some sort of art installation in one of the Os of Footballland. Does it get voted in? Of course it bloody does.

PUNT IT UPFIELD

But topping it all off this week is Mark, who seemingly forgot he’s already pitched a ride based on long hopeful balls with STICK IT IN THE MIXER. His latest variation on a theme is based around that assist that Alisson did recently and involves velcro. Does it get voted in despite no one being quite sure what it is? Yep, you guessed it.

Do YOU have a ride idea that involves plastic surgery, velcro, Dwight McNeil, or none of the above? You are more than welcome to pitch it to us here at Footballland. We’ll discuss everything you throw at us.

Enjoy the ep and see you next week!

Anthony (CEO)

Mark (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan (Intern)

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Greetings Footballland Earholders! 

And a special welcome to our new Patreon Thomas Stirewalt, who is the proud sponsor of our new car park (The Thomas Spirewalt Car Park, suitable for both cars and motorcycles and nocturnal nesting place of Pepe, should he so wish). Thanks, Thomas!

This is an apt point to remind you that you can pitch a ride to us if you're a Patreon and we will discuss it on the show. Patreon pitches thus far have included Lee Cattermole's Petting Zoo, The Cristiano Ronaldo Hall of Mirrors, Gary Mabbutt's Queen's Nose and A Cup Of Carabao. Thanks indeed to those of you who have sent stuff our way - Footballland is shaping up nicely because of it. 

So, what's on the agenda this week? 

The Glenn Hoddle School Of English

Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison has unveiled plans to build a multi-million pound language school at Footballland, focusing on Glenn Hoddle's unique usage of the English Language. The Glennglish Centre expects to welcome many students from November. 

The Matty Cash Point 

Footballland will be a cashless theme park. However, if you're desperate to visit the corner shop down the road and need a fiver for a bottle of Highland Spring, we will be giving Matty Cash £10,000 every day, making him the world's first human ATM. But be quick - Matt gets to keep all the money left over at the end of each night, so you'll have to work hard for your dosh! 

Ooh Aah Canada! 

Ryan really fought to have his ride included without the addition of a 107 year old Jermain Defoe with trains for eyes, but Anthony and Mark convinced him in the end! As a result, Oh Canada will be the world's only theme park ride featuring a 107 year old Jermain Defoe with trains for eyes. You're welcome, Ryan! 

Best regards,

Anthony Richardson (CEO of Footballland)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern) 

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Greetings Earholders!

What a lovely day it is too, not least because you've got a brand new episode of Footballland ready to plug into your earholes! We have $1 billion dollars burning a hole in our pocket and we're about to spunk it all on some giant fibreglass faces of Harry Kane and Son Heung-Min! 

Here's the rides for your consideration today:

The Kane And Sonbination

Harry Kane and Son Heung-Min recently won Spurs yet another made up trophy - the most combined goals in the history of the Premier League. Weird that Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba didn't celebrate when they held that title. Probably out winning genuine cups, I'd imagine. So we've put our thinking caps on and come up with the best way to commemorate them - with the world's first suck and blow vertical water flume! 

The Catapult Bra 

Sports bras are all the rage in men's football. They say it's for data, but why not have a microchip injected into your neck like cats do? So Ryan wants to use these 'Catapult Bras' at Footballland, and has come up with a crack security team who weed out the tits and fling them out of the park! 

Garth Crooks' Team Of The Day 

Mark is rightly obsessed with Garth Crooks, and proposes hiring him to give out awards to punters at the end of every day. But what categories will he judge? And what about those occasions on which he is weirdly quite sensible?

And please keep sending us your ride ideas! We will discuss each and every one. 

Anthony Richardson, Footballland CEO

Mark Davison Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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We had another indulgent meeting this week – when we really should be cracking on with building the park – we just couldn't help ourselves. So yes, we've piled more pressure on ourselves by creating three more attractions that just have to be built.

Klich Koch The Bielsa Clock

This aspect of the park might not get used all that much because it's almost impossible to pronounce – even Ryan, the idiot that came up with the idea can't say it until about the fifth attempt. Anyway he sees it as a kind of VIP priority access that allows you get on more rides than you might ordinarily, the only downside being that you're going to be dressed as a sausage and Mateusz Klich and Robin Koch (dressed as hotdog buns) will be carrying you.

Stick It In The Mixer

Mark brings us one of the more realistic rides we've ever conceived, there's no cloning, no miracle drugs, nor any as yet to be invented ... science. It's just a modified carnival ride, with a couple of ex-professional players lowered into it (dressed as babies) to fire footballs at you, just don't concede.

Be The Kepa

Anthony brings us........ No, it's not a giant fibre glass footballer for once, but there is a gift shop (somehow). It's the Kepa Arrizabalaga experience!!! Specifically his cup competition antics ... experience. Watch pretty much nothing for 119 minutes and then come on a fail to save any penalties, sounds boring but it's not, honestly!!!!!!!

Join us next week where we promise to get building (not). Don't forget to send us your ride ideas, we'll discuss each and every one.

With professional consensual love,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Dear Earholders of Footballland and those fortunate enough to stumble across this recording.

It's been another hugely successful meeting in the planning of the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar, in Qatar (in Qatar). Mark has stopped calling it an 'improvised comedy podcast,' Ryan is making prototypes other than the Steve Mechanical Bull, and Anthony has bought two shovels off Amazon Prime. We are delighted to unveil THREE  new attractions.

Revenge Of The Picked Last Kids

Remember that awful feeling you had as a child - being picked last to play a game of playground football? Or as an adult if you're Scott McTominay? Well, Mark wants to bring that sensation to Footballland somehow. Whether it's a rollercoaster, themed restaurant or VR simulator, he's not quite sure. But it's vital we incorporate this footballling rite of passage. 

The XG Experience 

When OPTA introduced a way to show how many goals football teams should have scored in a game, the world breathed a huge sigh of relief. Fantastic news - Anthony has found a way to bring XG to Footballland with EXPECTED GOES, a computer that tells you how many rides you could have been on at the park if only you'd been more efficient with your day. How does this work in practice? It's simple - each guest at the park will be cloned and placed in a replica Footballland. That Footballland will be placed at the bottom of the sea so that those clones don't ever find out that they're clones and stage a mutiny. 

The Romelu Poo-Car-Queue 

Footballland is going to be incredibly busy, causing long traffic jams on the road from Doha to the park. But what if someone in their car needs the toilet? Enter the Romelu Poo-Car-Queue, a massive portable toilet on wheels that races to your position and allows you to relieve yourself in the body of a giant fibreglass footballer. 

We can't wait to open our park to the world, and after we design about 30 to 60 more rides we'll be ready to begin construction. 

Don't forget to send us your ride ideas, we'll discuss each and every one. 

With professional love,

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davison (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer)

Ryan Baxter (Intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

[Musical notes emoji] Footballland, FOOTBALLLAND. FOOOT BBAALLLL LAND [/Musical notes emoji] 

It's a serious business, creating the world's first football themed theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar in Qatar, but you know what? We had a right bloomin laugh making this episode. 

This week in Footballland we have the pleasure of unveiling THREE new attractions. 

They are:

SNORING JAMES MILNER - FOR FOUR OR FIVE NIGHTS ONLY

Fresh from winning a Carabao Cup, James Milner will be jetting off to Footballland to work in a sleep clinic, diagnosing patients' sleep apnoea. The lab will be constructed inside a giant animatronic fibreglass James Milner, which will itself be sleeping on a giant bed, eating any guests who wake it up. At night, James (the human, not the fibreglass) will sleep in the bed of one lucky Footballland guest. Note to self, remember to unteach him how to read...

VICTORIAN TERRACE PISSBALL

A giant pyramid stolen from Mexico, upon which will stand a statue of a drunk Victorian football fan urinating lucozade down all four sides. Footballland guests must race up the pyramid in sponge-soled shoes. Don't get your feet wet!

FREAKY FREE KICKS

Footballland's answer to the Chair-o-planes - guests sit in giant footballers' legs and try to kick a ball while being swung around in a circle. You'll be delighted to her that our ride engineer Mark has begun work on a prototype version by sticking a ball bearing in a condom and swinging it around his living room. 

If absolutely none of the above makes sense, then listen to the episode and all will become crystal clear. Don't forget to send us your ride ideas and we'll see you at the grand opening!

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

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Greetings Footballlanders! 

It took us until Episode 23 of season 2 to come up with a casino for Footballland. What have we called it? The Tony Cascacasino. The great news is that you're all invited to gamble there to your hearts' content. And if you're fortunate enough to be the last person into the park on any given day, you get to play our special new game - Full Ham. The rules of the game are quite simple: you must catch three Fulham players and two live pigs that have been let loose in the Tony Cascacasino. What a way to spend your visit at Footballland! 

Also this week, one new ride and one new travel agent! The Faillercoaster is a hi-octane rollercoaster that simulates the experience of being not quite good enough to become a professional footballer! Can't wait to almost ride that one! 

And in tribute to Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang going on holiday to Barcelona and then accidentally becoming a Barcelona player by the end of it, we've set up the Aubameyang Boomerang, where your family go on an excursion to a tourist hotspot and nearly all of you come back! 

And remember, if you have an idea for a ride at Footballland, please don't hesitate to let us know. We'll feature every single one! 

Warm, professional love, 

Anthony Richardson (CEO)

Mark Davision (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan Baxter (Intern) 

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"Don't chat. Risk of death."

Hello Footballlanders! The world's first football theme park is ever expanding and we are thrilled to announce TWO new rides from us and ONE from our patreon patron Calum Lightfoot! If you'd like your ride discussed on Footballland, then follow these easy steps:

1. Make sure you're a patron

2. Write down your ride idea using your computer.

3. Send it to us. 

It really could not be simpler. 

So here are this week's new rides:

THE PLAYER MANAGER 

Calum Lightfoot, our aforementioned Patreon patron, used his computer to put forward a ride based on that strangest footballing position - the player manager. This rollercoaster has it all: Kenny Dalglish, Dennis Wise, moving targets, 50 League Two goalkeepers, lasers and Glenn Hoddle working as a steward. But will Calum's idea get passed our notoriously strict judges?

JOHN TERRY'S FAREWELL TOURS

Captain. Leader. Legend. Retirement party organiser. Mark enjoyed John Terry's self-planned 26th minute send off against Sunderland so much that he wants to employ JT to organise the leaving do of anyone who leaves their job while at Footballland. Quite why anyone would choose to have their work farewell party at a football theme park in Qatar is anyone's guess but Mark is convinced that the former Chelsea defender will be inundated with offers. 

ALISSON'S PECKER

Finally, a ride for children! Anthony has commandeered an area the size of a cricket pitch (NOT a squash court) and installed a giant fibreglass Alisson with a 10 foot beak. 30 punters must rn around the field avoiding getting sucked up into the gift shop. It's like Squid Game, but you get to meet Loris Karius! 

As ever, keep rating us, tell your friends and send us ride ideas. We'll feature every single one. 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan x 

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There's a growing excitement here at Footballland HQ. The park is slowly taking shape. We haven't yet built anything as such, but if 90% of the work is in the design, then Footballland is 28% complete! 

We are thrilled to announce THREE more rides for your pleasure. 

Arsene Wenger's World Cup Mayhem 

Le Prof is a big advocate for ruining things by overdoing them - just look at his relentless lobbying for a World Cup every two years. Nobody but Wenger wants this to happen, so we at Footballland are prepared to do the world a favour. We're going to pay the ex-Arsenal boss £6 million a year to wander around Footballland making guests at the park overdo their fun instead. Yes, with Arsene's Double It, you won't be able to stop enjoying yourself, even if it physically hurts! 

Shit House 

Not content with hiring Pepe to defecate on customers' car bonnets, Ryan wants yet another display of the dark arts inside the world's first football theme park. Shit House involves one lucky punter having their home transported brick by brick to Qatar to stage a special football version of the 90s kids' TV show Fun House, presented by Carlos Valderrama and the Da Silva twins. 

See No Medieval, Hear No Medieval, Speak No Medieval 

Mark has been on Wikipedia again. This time he's disappeared down the ancient ball games rabbit hole (ooh-er) and proposes a giant brawl with a sheep's bladder one day a year at Footballland. Whoever's holding the ball last, wins! 

Have you got a ride idea? Send us it and we'll discuss it on the show!

Love, Anthony, Mark and Ryan

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Fantastic news! Over the weekend we chatted with a guy whose flatmate was from Qatar. He said that they’re counting down the days until the world’s first football theme park opens in their country, and all anyone can talk about is how many seconds they’re going to last on Steve Mechanical Bull. We’re beyond excited at bringing our vision to Doha, and all for the cut price of 1 billion dollars minus the price of a laptop and a nice pen. 

This week we’re proud to unveil THREE new rides:

The Diving Header

Ryan, our intern turned co-president of Footballland, has made a bold claim. He claims that his new ride, The Diving Header, is not only the best ride at the theme park, but it also has the best queuing system of all time. But Mark is unimpressed. Will the best ride idea ever even be voted into the park?

Eddie Howe’s Supermarket Sweep

Mark has been playing too much Fifa Ultimate Team and watching too much daytime TV. The result is a mad dash around a football supermarket picking android clones of elite footballers off the shelves. Will they be too damaged to play? Will they get horny after becoming activated? Mark answers these pressing questions and more. 

Manager Marriage Counselling 

Marriage counselling isn’t exactly the first thing couples look for when visiting a theme park, but Anthony is convinced that old-school British managers such as Neil Warnock, Sam Allardyce and Alan Curbishley would be perfect to get those unsteady unions back on track! 

Do you have a ride idea for Footballland? It could be brilliant. It could be bewildering. It could be barely related to football. Send it in and we’ll discuss it on the show! 

With love, 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan  

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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After another fruitful meeting at Footballland HQ we are pleased to announce THREE new rides. OK, so one of them is just Chris Kamara solving park problems, so let's call it TWO new rides and ONE important piece of park infrastructure! 

This week the world's 2nd greatest footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo, returns to the park (after being fired off into space) with The Ronaldon't, a ride which challenges guests to be as far removed from Cristiano as humanly possible. Which led us to ask ourselves, who is the football opposite of CR7? Royston Drenthe? Steve Claridge? Gazza? 

Plus, Frank Lampard's interview technique of laughing then turning immediately serious has been rollercoasterised with the Frank Lampard Lol-lercoaster. There's admittedly not much to this ride - it's over very quickly, but the science of getting people to laugh and then be terrified in less than a second is pored over in great detail. 

Which leads us to our third reveal of the week. It gives us great pleasure to welcome Chris Kamara as park manager, helped by his two assistants Adam Lallana and Said Benrahma on llamas up a giant set of stairs on wheels. Chris will look out for problems at footballland, which always seem to happen when he's not looking in the right place. Thankfully the Dalai Lama will be on hand to help with the things he's missed. 

Please keep sending us your ride ideas! We feature them all! 

Lots of love,

 Anthony, Mark and Ryan 

x

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Welcome earholders, and general listeners to another week of theme park planning!

 We're one step closer to building Footballland, and we thank you for your support as we near the final stages. Mark, Anthony and Ryan are delighted to bring you THREE new attractions! 

The Mikel Ar-vet-a

Yeah, you read that right - Mikel Ar-Vet-a. The world's first Mikel Arteta themed veterinary surgery. There are so many maimed animals at Footballland that it was deemed necessary.

Garden Furniture Gauntlet 

Ryan wants to recreate the magic of a stadium full of fans in South America chasing the referee with his Garden Furniture Gauntlet. What begins with the chucking of a few plastic chairs quickly escalates into a new municipal tip for Doha. 

SAS - The Wedding 

Mark proposes that we take Shearer And Sutton's strike partnership at Blackburn, set it during one of the SAS's most daring missions, and make the whole thing into a themed wedding. Are Disneyland doing weddings based on famous siege situations? No. And that's why Footballland is taking over. We know what our punters want. 

And as ever, send us your ideas for rides - we'll feature every single one. 

Love,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan x 

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Terry Venables, in a giant velcro fat suit, attached to a mile high crane, swinging through the park at midday every day singing 'We're All Going England Crazy' and taking anyone in his path with him. You in or what?

Because that's the sort of billion dollar theme park we are. A park not afraid to pay El Tel's exorbitant wages while informing everyone that the afternoon has begun. And if you don't like that idea, then we have others. Namely, Emmanuel Frimpong's Ping Pong Ding Dong, a table tennis/cage fight where there's a very real chance of death. Please, for god's sake tap out. And Shrug It Off, the world's first rollercoaster themed around outmuscling your opponent at set pieces. 

Yes folks, that's three new rides at the world's first and only football themed theme park. How many rides have we designed? Hundreds. How many rides does a theme park need? God knows. Will we stop designing rides to build the actual park? NEVER. 

We hope you enjoy the latest meeting/episode. We're sorry that Mark keeps introducing it as an improvised comedy podcast - it's embarrassing and false. This is a real theme park, with a real billion dollars, and itll be ready for you to go on in November, we absolutely promise. 

And if you have any ideas for theme park rides at Footballland, please let us know. We'll discuss your proposal on the show with a 99.99999% chance of it being voted in. 

So much love,

Anthony (CEO)

Mark (Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer) 

Ryan (intern)

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Some new year resolutions are bigger than others. We're not belittling your yearly vow to drink 3 pints fewer per week before inevitably giving up by early Feb, but we have a serious resolution here at Footballland - to build the world's first football theme park in Qatar for the World Cup in Qatar this year in Qatar. If we don't, not only will we have let ourselves down, we'll have let all football fans down too. Plus we'll be put in prison for embezzling 1 billion dollars. It's very much a carrot and stick affair. 

So with time against us, let's announce THREE new rides. 

RALF RANGNICK'S QUICKSAND EXPERIENCE 

To replicate the new Man United manager's impossible job, we're filling a replica Old Trafford with Quicksand and making punters solve a jigsaw puzzle before they're sucked under into the netherworld for a perfunctory chat with Ed Woodward. 

GO ON MER'SON 

We love Paul Merson, but let's face it, he's not particularly good at anything is he? So Ryan proposes to close Footballland for a day while we find the former dynamo his new calling. 

THE MAZE OF MESMERIC FEET 

Mark Davison has a phobia of feet, so he proposes a whole Maze full of leg ends. Why does he do that? Seriously, why? It doesn't make any sense. 

As always thank you so much for supporting us. Send us your ride ideas and we promise we'll build them. 

Lots of love, 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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It's been a hectic year at Footballland HQ. We're so close to opening the world's first football theme park in time for the world cup 2022 in 2022 in Qatar in 2022, and we couldn't have done it without your help. Your ride ideas, your jingles, your many car parks have been invaluable, so a massive thank you for your support. 

In time honoured tradition, we've cobbled together a year-end best of Footballland. Three rides that in our opinion are the absolute bees knees, and CERTAIN to bring punters through the gates. They are:

Jurgen Klopp's Clip Clop Trots

Finally, it's something for the children. Anthony was keen to bring competitive donkey racing to the under 5s market as he proudly unveiled the world's first gegenpressing mules. These donkeys have been injected with steroids to ensure top speeds of 40mph. But be warned, their bowels will be loose!

The Professor Stephen Hawking Vanishing-Spray-Cherry-On-The-Bell-End-Overlapping-Full-Backs Car Ride 

It's fair to say that Mark's design to recreate the speed of a modern day fullback evolved somewhat during the pitching process. What began as an old-fashioned dodgems ride ended with the rider naked, covered in their own sick with a glace cherry adorning the end of their penis. 

Poppy Hillstead's Teddy Sheringham Blimp

We had so many great guests this year, but what edged it for us was Poppy Hillstead's drawings of a 300 foot long inflatable Teddy Sheringham suspended above Footballland. There is so much to see and do inside Teddy. You can eat pizza in his stomach, having recovered from hypothermia in the unnecessarily cold lazy river. You can see framed pictures from wikipedia of his ex-girlfriends, and then you can 'just f*ck off out the mouth.' The result is a triumph of architecture and a sure-fire hit for football fans everywhere. 

We'll see you in 2022 as we put the finishing touches to Footballland. Thank you once again for your support and love. We're kissing you through the screen right now.

All the very best,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

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Merry Christmas! 

While you've been working hard, a glass of merlot in one hand, a block of brie in the other, we at Footballland have been preparing for the opening of Footballland in just 336 days time. And we were delighted to have the CEO of Hashtag United Spencer Owen in the Wayne Lineker testicle. Spencer created a football team from scratch so he's no stranger to impossible dreams. And he loves theme parks, apart from that time he won a night in the Alton Towers Chocolate room and they'd run out of chocolate. 

So here are the 3 (three) new rides we've designed this week! 

Elf-Inge The City 

Ryan reads out a lovely Christmas story featuring Roy Keane and a young Norwegian lad who looks a bit like a deflated sex doll. And THAT story forms the basis of Footballland's brand new ice show at the Squeaky Bum Time Arena! Are your seats too far from the pitch? Then simply watch it in miniature on Harry Maguire's forehead! 

Get Your Kit On 

Mark is so angry with substitutes who aren't ready to come onto the field because they've not put on their shirt, that he's created a new experience in which naked members of the public are placed on a vibrating platform and given one minute to put their clothes on before being beamed live on TV across the world. 

Spencer Owen's Futuroscope 

NOT to be confused with the theme park in France with the same name, Spencer Owen proposes a VR football simulator where guests run about on a 360 degree treadmill like in Ready Player One. Will we finally get Lionel Messi playing a wet tuesday night in Stoke?

And as ever, send us your ride ideas! We feature all of 'em! 

Love you so much,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan 

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While No. 10 have been partying, your executives at Footballland have been knuckling down to design the world's first football theme park in Qatar in time for the World Cup 2022 in Qatar in Qatar. That's right - if this were a Zoom quiz, our specialist subject would be inventing FUN. And what's more fun than a giant fibreglass Steve Bruce with a working flushable toilet? 

Here are your rides this week:

Steve Bruce: Victorian Gentleman 

We at Footballland will make sure Steve Bruce isn't out of a job for long. The wonky nosed one will join the park as head of customer service, where he'll sit inside a giant version of himself. Will he need the toilet? Yes. Will there be a toilet inside his costume? Yes. Is that toilet in the shape of a dinosaur's tail? Also yes. 

The West Ham Bubble Ride 

West Ham fans love bubbles, don't they? So let's fill giant pods with helium and let Hammers fans float around the park until they've ingested all said helium and crashed back down to earth in a glorious metaphor of their own club's fortunes! 

Sweeper Keeper

Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer Mark Davison has designed a fun game to recreate the sweeper keeperiness of our modern day shot-stoppers. It's part erasable whiteboard, part barbershop and the queue for the ride takes AGES. 

As ever, send us your ride ideas to the usual address. 

We love you. 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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The Relegation Cockfight

Anthony brings us the best of South America, blood sports and genetically modified chickens, that can fly miniature planes... or is it modified planes and regular chickens that can't fly? Any way there's fighting, planes and chicken. It's a real cockfight!

Keystone Klopps

Mark offers up a new security team for Footballland, modelled on Jürgen Klopp's slapstick antics, the only problem being Ryan and Anthony aren't convinced that Jürgen Klopp is slapstick or that anybody knows who the Keystone Cops are. What could possibly go wrong?

Alexi LaLa's Land

Ryan has come up with an 'around the world' type ride, only it's limited to just the world of just one man, the world of MLS/NASL legend, Alexi Lalas. So don your ginger specs, fasten your star spangled seatbelts and get ready to board the Mayflower with Robbie Keane.

As ever, please send us your ride ideas! We'll discuss each and every one.So, there's your three rides this week. Now it's your turn to get involved! Send us your ride ideas and we'll feature them all!

With love from 

• Anthony Richardson - CEO
• Mark Davison - Chief Ride Engineer
• Ryan Baxter - Still intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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The Ronaldo Rocket 

Cristiano Ronaldo loves that ridiculous Siiiiiiiuuu celebration, doesn't he? But the trouble is, he always lands on the ground afterwards. A not exactly impressive loyalty to gravity by the second greatest footballer in the world. So what if we nicked Jeff Bezos's rocket, chucked Ronaldo inside it after scoring a tap in, and gave him the ultimate Siiiu celebration? 

Brian Kidd's Kids 

Ryan brings us his vision of a creche manned by 92 goats, all with slightly different accents. Each goat will be responsible for ONE child, so you can leave your little ones to enjoy the park without your youngest spoiling the day. But NEVER acknowledge Brian Kidd's success at running a successful creche, you hear us? JUST DON'T DO IT. 

Bouncy Newcastle Hypnotising Sports Wash

You know what the trouble is with taking over a Premier League football club to soften your nation's human rights image? Only fans of that club go along with the plan. There's way too much complaining from rival sets of fans. It's almost as if those fans need to be.... hypnotised?

So, there's your three rides this week. Now it's your turn to get involved! Send us your ride ideas and we'll feature them all!

With love from 

Anthony Richardson - CEO

Mark Davison - Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Still intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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The birds are singing, the bees are fornicating and Mark is back in the studio! That's right, all three Footballland executives are in the room to bring you 3 [THREE] new attractions. 

Ole's At The Wheel Viking Pleasure Boats 

Man United might have discarded Ole Gunnar Solskjaer like a lukewarm flannel on a long-haul flight but his legacy lives on at Footballland in the Ole's At The Wheel Viking Pleasure Boat Rides! In a family-friendly experience, your longship pedalo will be piloted by a bling-drunk Norwegian who has no idea what he's doing! 

The Golden Boot

Mark, who hates Harry Potter, tells us for 10 minutes why he hates Harry Potter, while at the same time trying to introduce a Harry Potter themed ride to Footballland. By the end of it, Ryan and Anthony aren't convinced he hates Harry Potter at all...

The Ji-Sung Park & Ride 

Footballland has many car parks, thanks to the generosity of our wonderful patreons. Seriously, we appreciate your sponsoring of this tedious yet necessary piece of theme park infrastructure. However, Ryan feels there's room for another car park, themed around ex Man United and South Korea international Ji Sung Park. But why is Aled Jones hanging around? And will Pepe try and defecate on the cars again?

As ever, please send us your ride ideas! We'll discuss each and every one.

With love,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan 

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Can you imagine snow falling on Graham Poll's naked back and would it be beautiful? What's the point of Space food? And if you were to cosmetically engineer two pigs to look like managerial dynasty Brian and Nigel Clough, which would find a truffle first? 

Those are the questions we're asking this week, and asking them with us is Empire Magazine's Chris Hewitt. Chris is the best-placed guest to pitch a ride at Footballland so far - after all he went to Alton Towers on his stag do. Chris pitches us The Graham Poll Exit Poll, a giant, naked Graham Poll posing flat out like a bearskin rug. To leave the park you must enter Graham through the tear ducts and find three yellow cards. 

Also on the agenda, Sniffing For Cloughles, the world's first truffle-sniffing based theme park ride. Climb on board a pig cosmetically enhanced to look remarkably like one of Nigel or Brian Clough. You have 5 minutes to find as many truffles as you can! 

And finally, Ryan brings us Danny Drinkswater. Legend has it that as a child Danny took umbrage at anyone mocking his name, and would challenge anyone who brought it up to a water drinking contest. Could you drink Drinkwater under the table? 

As ever, send us your ride ideas. We'll feature them all!

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Here's what's on the menu at Footballland this week:

Claudio Ranieri's Operating Theatre

He's known as the tinkerman, but what if we let Claudio Ranieri tinker with human bodies instead of relegation threatened Premier League football clubs? Leicester's favourite Italian is given a full range of medical equipment and free rein on anyone who gets crocked at the park. Dilly Ding Dilly Chloroform! 

First Off, Last Off The Training Ground 

It was a pleasure to receive this ride idea from listener and patron Nick Dunmore. Nick was concerned that Footballland did not yet have a 'touch the truck' style game, and he has cleverly invented one which ties in with the ultra-professional mentality of your Cristiano Ronaldo's and your James Milner's of this world (of this world). Thanks, Nick! 

Teemu Pukki's Pies 

In a first for Footballland, we received an idea from a current Premier League footballer. Teemu Pukki of Norwich City has been fascinated with the brand Pukka Pies in fish and chip shops throughout the UK, and would like to add a finish twist to the takeaway staple. Trouble is, Finnish cuisine is the absolute worst in the world. Will Teemu's concoctions catch on?

As ever we love to hear from you. Send us your jingles, your ideas, your thought. We'll feature everything you throw at us! 

All the best,

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Horror Tackles

Remember those little fish that bit off all your dead skin in shopping centres in the mid 2000s? Well, it's that, but it's the genetically modified penises of players that have performed career ending challenges. Sorry? What? Yeah. So, we get your Roy Keanes, your Ben Thatchers, your Martin Taylors of this world, we pay scientists to graft tiny teeth on their members, and then we let them nibble on your feet in a fishtank. Oh and hi new listeners to Footballland!

Freaky Friday Night Football

Have you ever wanted to swap bodies with a footballer? Well, we at Footballland are offering you that chance! Our scientists (who we paid to put penises on footballers' willies) will swap your brain with a footballer of your choice, so that you can walk around the park inside them while they look after your partner and children for the day. It sounds fantastic, but which footballer would you choose? 

Fake Shakes 

So many public figures' reputations were destroyed by the News Of The World's so-called Fake Sheik in the 90s/00s, and it's about time the public had a go! With Fake Shakes, you too could be secretly filmed agreeing to shady and career-threatening business deals while waiting for a cool, delicious milkshake! 

As ever, send us your ideas. We'll discuss each and every one.

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So here are the rides in this week's lineup:

Mané Hands Make A Light Work 

Liverpool and Senegal forward Sadio Mané is desperate to record his autobiography in our special recording studio, and he REALLY needs those 300,000 words read into the mic by Christmas. But alas, there's no light! Can you and 9 friends help him? 10 punters must form a human chain from socket to lightbulb to illuminate the room, AND Sadio Mané's dreams.

A gentle reminder - please do not try this ride at home. We don't want anyone electrocuted, even if it's to help out a footballer. 

Phil Lee's Human Table Foosball

Patron Phil Lee wrote in to pitch his vision of a giant table foosball using ex professional footballers. Pick your XI from a giant vending machine then watch as they're skewered by metal rods (missing those vital organs, of course!). 

Tim Cahill: Beyond The Corner Flag 

Currently our Oceania section of Footballland is pretty miserable. So far it's just a statue of Ryan Nelsen with his bum hanging off. So what better way to spruce things up with a Mad Max-style fight to the death with every single thing that Australia loves? The Socceroos want to turn their back on their continent and play in Asia, but OceaniaTown won't let them go without a fight. 

As ever, send us your ride ideas. We'll discuss every single one. 

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What an incredible meeting at Footballland HQ this week. Can you believe that we came up with THREE new things...? Sensational! We are delighted to unveil: 1 ride, 1 facility and 1 naked fighting experience. But which one is which? Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Comedian and Times Columnist George Lewis joined us to pitch The Jaap Stampede, in which park guests can feel what it's like to be a streaker in front of 80,000 people, while chased down by an irate Jaap Stam and his family members, who have all been shaven to make them look like him. Will you beat 11 Jaaps and show off your goolies to the Stretford End?

Many of you have written in demanding there be a ride featuring former Arsenal and Portsmouth striker Nwankwo Kanu. Well, intern Ryan has delved deep down the back of his sofa of ideas and come up with Kanu's Rapid[s], a wet n' wild tubing ride through a scale model of Portsmouth harbour. Just like the great man's performances on the field, some experiences on Kanu's Rapid[s] might pass event free, while others might be the greatest fun you've ever had.

And finally, with FIFA's plans to stage a World Cup every 6 months, Mark has come up with a way to ensure EVERYONE gets a go at international football. Who Do You Think You Aunt? is a service which finds you a blood relative from a tiny FIFA registered micronation such as the Solomon Islands, meaning that you become eligible for a call up no matter what your ability!

And as ever send us your ideas, your jingles, your letters, we'll feature them all! Support our show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Toure Brothers' Bus Tour

To me! To You! The Toure Brothers' Bus Tour is Footballland's newest manner of transportation, featuring the comedy slapstick duo Yaya and Kolo Toure as Paul and Barry Chuckle. 

Minamino's Mini Motors 

Liverpool midfielder Takumi Minamino runs a go-kart track with cars made of skin tight lycra. You sort of climb into the car costume head first and speed around the track like a wriggling Thomas The Tank Engine! Why's Minamino involved? Absolutely no idea. 

Dimitri Payet's Bottle Shy 

Remember that unsavoury 'crowd incident' against Nice, where Payet chucked a few bottles at some fans and they rioted? What an overreaction! We're building a whole facility at Footballland to remember the moment, encouraging you to chuck objects at 10,000 trainee police officers in the Squeaky Bum Time Arena!

And don't forget to send us your ride ideas. We feature every single one.

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

This week we're pleased to announce that Mark Davison returns after being out of the game for two weeks - that's a short time in Podcast terms, but a lifetime if you're a Watford manager. 

So the full complement of top, top lads are excited to bring you THREE new attractions. 

Uri Geller Will F*** Up Your Day In Footballland 

Anthony has a genius plan to avoid a massive lawsuit, what with Footballland being so dangerous. It involves the mindreading, spoonbending mystic Uri Geller and 365 helicopter pilots. Uri Geller WILL f*** up your day in Footballland, but can you receive compensation? 

Pepe's Pee Pee Take 

Ryan has rewatched the most important 75 minutes in English football history, Rio Ferdinand's World Cup Wind Ups and hatches an audacious plan to reboot it at Footballland, featuring everyone's favourite sh*thouse, Pepe. Make sure you get full insurance on those hire cars. 

Marcelo Bielsa's Bum Bucket Carousel

Mark spent his two weeks off fixated by that weird stool/bucket thing that Marcelo Bielsa sits on during Leeds United games. He plans to turn it into a ride, but are your glute-flutes up to the strain? 

And as ever we want your ideas. Send us a message and we'll feature them in an upcoming episode.

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Anthony pitches a ceramics masterclass-come-fight-for-you-life hosted by Raphaël Varane and his henchman Harry Maguire. Quick word of advice: conserve your energy at the potting wheel because it’s all about escaping to the kiln before Rapha gets you.

Mark sends a post-it note in his absence, saying only: The Chicken Shawarma-morial...

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Footballland Explained:

Having accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. Anthony Richardson, Mark Davison and Ryan Baxter are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football themed theme park rides in the history of football themed theme parks.

Anthony Richardson - CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison - Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter - Intern

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So, here's E01 of S02 - Anthony unveils the BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM, his tribute Goldenballs himself, in the form of a carnival strongman exhibit. Ryan fixes the global injustice: that there isn't yet a ride or attraction featuring acclaimed football broadcaster Mark Pougatch, with the MARK POO-CATCH. Finally, special guest and friend of the show, comedian Marek Larwood, answers the burning question: How much is a Premier League footballer really worth… in body parts? with his ride MAIM FOR A LAUGH.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Sadly this is our final episode of the season! We're taking a break for the Euros and will return for an even bigger and better Footballland in July! 

You'll agree that the park is taking fantastic shape, and we're pleased to bring you THREE new rides:

Super Ney-Mario 

A live action video game featuring PSG and Brazil superstar Neymar - It's-a Super Neymario! Watch out for the toadstools shaped like James Milner! Park guests will climb inside a fibreglass Neymar and dive through a series of levels which seem to get easier as the game progresses. 

The DaMarcus Beasley Piss Take Take A Break 

Going to the toilet has never been so fun, or potentially so dangerous! Guests at Footballland's special DaMarcus Beasley urinials will be faced with a series of mini-games, all involving their own urine. Fun for all the family (optional she-wees provided free of charge). 

Roy and Ray's Trip To In-Seinity! 

Patreon Nick Dunmore gives us a psychedelic boat trip in remembrance of that time Roy Hodgson and Ray Lewington decided to go on a river tour in Paris instead of preparing for England's knock out game against Iceland at Euro 2016. 

And a special thanks to our patrons this season. We've loved your submissions and long may they continue. Keep sending your ideas to us. We'll all hit the ground running in season 2 and make this the BEST damn football themed theme park the world has ever seen. 

Much love,

Anthony, Ryan and Mark

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another hugely productive meeting at Footballland HQ. We're proud to bring you ONE new ride, PLUS a food stall PLUS a shoe shine parlour. 

Here they are in full:

Indiana Benitez & The Miracle of Istanbul 

If you're a Liverpool fan, you'll of course remember the "Miracle" of Istanbul in 2005, where under Rafa Benitez a side containing luminaries such as Steven Gerrard and Djimi Traore fought back to defeat the mighty AC Milan. If you're not a Liverpool fan, you'll no doubt have been told the above by at least 15 separate Liverpool fans. Indiana Benitez & The Miracle of Istanbul allows Footballland guests to relive this not-really-that-miraculous-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things game, but in a cave while being chased by boulders, and featuring a naked animatronic Benitez soaping his own testicles in a shower. We can't wait for you to experience it. 

Tottenham HotPotatoes

Patron Ed Singleton brings us a frankly abysmal Spurs themed Spud-u-like in which the potato is dropped on the floor before it reaches the customer's hands. It doesn't sound great, but it's better than the chef's lasagne...

Juan Sebastian Veron's Shoe Shine 

Juan Sebastian Veron's head sure is shiny, so we here at Footballland have put it to good use! Customers will have their boots polished, then can put the finished article next to Seba's head. If it's not as shiny, you'll get your money back! 

Many thanks for all your ideas so far. After next week we're taking a brief pause for the Euros, but keep sending your rides and we'll discuss them in season two. But new episodes or not, Footballland rumbles on throughout the break - we're taking to social media to decide the very best ride from season 1 in our inaugural Footballland World Cup! 

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Ever wanted to ride a Chelsea manager while slapping their silicone bottom to make them go faster? Here at Footballland we're delighted to give you that opportunity. During the Qatar 2022 World Cup you'll be able to ride not only Jose Mourinho, Claudio Ranieri and Avram Grant around the place like humanoid horses, but every Chelsea boss during the Abramovich era! Thank you to our patron Matt Whitworth for making it happen! 

PLUS we're proud to unveil two further rides this week:

Parachute Payments

Recreate the fun of Premier League relegation by leaping off a tower 100 metres in the air on to a set of gradually diminishing trampolines! Impending administration has never been so exciting!

Is This A Goal?

Mark proposes a feature of the park called 'Is this a goal?', which is very difficult to describe in fewer than 200 words. Is this a goal? Is this a goal? Is this a goal? Is this a goal? Is this a goal? Is this a goal? 

And remember, keep sending us your ideas for rides. We'll feature every single one! 

All the best, 

Anthony, Ryan and Mark x

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another successful meeting at Footballland, and we're proud to present you with THREE new rides:

Jay Jay Okocha's Phoenix Nights

Food lovers at Footballland have been thus far treated to two themed restaurants in Asscoffiation Noshball and Come Dine With Ben Mee. However, many listeners have written in to complain that a couple of eateries isn't enough for a giant theme park, and why isn't there a Medieval restaurant run by Jay Jay Okocha that pays tribute to BOTH Bolton's Premier League heroes in the mid 00's AND Peter Kay's hit sitcom Pheonix Nights? 

Yeah, that's a lot to take in. Basically it's a medieval themed restaurant that for some reason features Sam Allardyce's Bolton. 

The Paolo Di Canio Springere Ride 

Patron Rob Lindsay fondly remembers Paolo Di Canio, albeit without being so keen on the fascism thing. He asks for some sort of ride which takes into account both the good parts of the teeny-tiny-Italia-maestro and the bad. We had a good think about this one, and Rob Lindsay, we reckon you'll be very pleased. 

Chant If You Want To Go Faster 

FINALLY, a ride which changes tempo based on how loud its riders chant! We've stuck two pirate ships next to each other. You know, the ones that go back and forth. The bloke in the control booth adjusts their speed depending on the volume of their passengers. First to do a full loop wins. 

Keep sending us your ideas. We'll feature every one! 

Love, 

Anthony, Ryan and Mark

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another hugely successful meeting at Footballland, and we're pleased to announce TWO new rides PLUS the finishing touches to our mascot, Captain Footballland. 

Frank Rijkaard's Flob Shy 

Remember when Dutch superstar Frank Rijkaard spat in Perm-aned German Rudi Voller's hair during Italia 90? Have you always thought, gosh I'd love to have a go at gobbing into someone's hair myself? You've come to the right place! 

Harry Maguire's Mykonos Madness

Patron Andrew Monument (Monument!?) brings us a Greek-themed bar where Footballland guests can get drunk and fight a replica (or real?) Harry Maguire, who's been trapped in a cage and poked with a stick until he's really angry! It's your classic Brits-abroad brawl! 

Who is Captain Footballland?

Several meetings ago, Ryan introduced the theme park's mascot, Captain Footballland. But what does he look like? And why does he have Pele's penis? 

As ever, we read out all your ideas, so please get them into us pronto. 

Much love, 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another hugely successful meeting at Footballland HQ, and we're pleased to announce TWO new rides, plus an update on the name of another ride. 

Playground Tactics

Remember at school in the playground, aged seven, when at lunchbreaks your whole year group chased a ball around with no positional awareness, no skill, and no clear idea of what it was you were actually doing? Mark has designed a new ride which allows adults to relive the nostalgia! Using electro-magnetic fields and/or bungee cords to make sure nobody is ever standing in exactly the right place, and a moving pitch to ensure any discernible talent is removed from the participants, you'll feel just like you're back at Woodlands' Primary getting in a feverish 15 minutes before the bell goes and it's your class's turn for lunch! 

Gary Lineker's Loop The Loop 

It's another world first at Footballland - the first rollercoaster that's also a toilet! We've all dreamed of being Gary Lineker, but with the highs come the lows, and if you walk a mile in the great striker's boots you've also got to do a poo on a field just like he did at Italia '90. Toilets at theme parks should be fun, and Gary Lineker's Poop The Loop is a thrill-a-minute bodily excavation. 

Important Clarification On The Name Of Gary Mabbutt's 'The Queen's Nose' Arcade Machine 

Patron James Worley got in touch to propose a selection of possible names for this attraction, and after much debate we have settled on our favourite. 

PLUS we welcome a new sponsor of a Footballland car park, Rob Lindsay! 

Thanks all, keep your ride ideas coming! 

Anthony, Mark and Ryan

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Welcome one and all, to another episode of Footballland! And not just any episode, but the 6 month anniversary! 

We're building the world's first football theme park, and we couldn't have done it without your help. We welcome our newest patron, Rob Lindsay, who sponsors our third Footballland Car Park. Rob gets a shout out next week, but we thought we'd say hi now anyway. 

So this week in Footballland:

Itchy Knee Shinji Go! 

Part Japanese game show, part obstacle course, part biography of Japan's best player to ever put on a Borussia Dortmund shirt: Shinji Kagawa. But why are there 100 children inside snooker balls? And what's with the pyramid of unemployed Germans?

Rory Delap's Dilapidated Lap Dance 

Have you ever been to a Stoke City themed strip club? The world's first wet and windy lapdancing venue opens its doors with robots that look exactly like Rory Delap! Can it get any sexier? Or more dangerous, as it turns out....

Patreon Submission - Phil Lee's Big Expensive Flops 

Patron Phil Lee demands that the English rides be more expensive and slightly worse than the rest of the park. We discuss the plan and come to a crucial vote. 

Keep sending us your ideas! We'll feature every single one.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Good morrow, Footballlanders! 

It's another episode from the world's first football theme park! And what an episode it is! This week we're treated to Peter Shilton's love/hate/erotic relationship with Diego Maradona, a helter skelter in the form of a manager's nose, and something really weird featuring Sean Dyche. This week's rides IN FULL: 

•  The Hands Like God Nail Bar

 Guests at Footballland can sate all their manicure needs with a special treatment performed by an Argentinian child on cocaine THE EXACT SAME HEIGHT as Diego Maradona!

• Mick McCarthy's Helter Skelter

Patron Andrew Monument has noticed that Cardiff manager Mick McCarthy has a slightly funny shaped nose. This was apparently enough for him to suggest a slide mimicking its dimensions. The result is a triumph of fibreglass engineering. 

• Sean Dyche's Bread And Butter Defending 

Mark claims that Sean Dyche refers to 'bread and butter defending' a lot (though we can't recall a single example of this) so has coated a football pitch in butter for an experience unrivalled in any other theme park. We can't wait to get that stench of rancid butter in 45 degree Qatari heat pumping through our nostrils! 

And don't forget to send us your football theme park ride ideas! We'll feature every single one!

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another productive meeting at Footballland HQ. 

This week we have a special guest inside the Wayne Lineker Fibreglass Testicle. Pablo Iglesias Maurer is a staff writer for The Athletic and an expert on all the nonsense in Major League Soccer from the past 20 years. A while back he designed his own MLS theme park, and we're delighted to say that we'll be absorbing his park into our ConCaCaCaCaCaCaf zone here at Footballland. 

That's right, guests at the park will now be able to enjoy Wayne Rooney's Slippery Slide Out, Freddy Adu's Premature Peak, DJ David Guetta's Inappropriate Shout Outs AND a pizza restaurant inside a giant Alexi Lalas! 

It's fun for all the family! 

And remember to send us your ride ideas. We'll feature them all!

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Finally, the world's first water slide based on Steven Gerrard's cataclysmic fall in 2014 has been designed! 

The Steven Gerrard Slip 'N' Slide allows Footballland guests the ultimate slippy experience. You'll hear Gerrard's famous 'This does not f***ing slip' team talk, before getting the chance to do just that! Always wanted to frantically chase after Demba Ba before falling flat on your arse and sliding down a 100 metre chute? Then get down to Footballland and surf on the tears of 10,000 scousers! 

Do NOT miss out on your chance to recreate one of the most hilarious moments in Premier League history! Fun for Liverpool fans and non-Liverpool fans alike.

Also this week, Patreon patron Matt Whitworth suggests the new Burnley food stall 'Come Dine With Ben Mee.' 

And Mark proposes 'Running Commentary,' where paying punters can have their every move in our theme park narrated by a genuine match commentator! 

Remember to send us your ideas for amazing new features at Footballland - we'll include every single one!

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

You are in for a ruddy treat this week, as we have THREE rides to share, two of which left us as hysterical as the infamous Jurgen's Klipp Klopp Trotts. 

This week:

- Mark shares us his celebration of the modern day fullback in BOMBING ON. 

- Patron Phil Lee suggests strapping fireworks to children. 

- And Ryan gives the world DION DUBLIN'S HOME'S UNDER THE HAMMER. Yes, we realise there's an extra apostrophe, and yes that is indeed deliberate. Listen on as he reveals all. 

And please send us your ride ideas. We cherish them hugely and can't wait to discuss them on the show.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support our Show! https://supporter.acast.com/footballland

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

We're building the world's first football theme park and we're proud to announce THREE spectacular new rides and exhibits:

- Around The World In 80 Schteves. Guests travel a miniature globe by hot air balloon, visiting 80 different Steve McClarens in stereotypical national dress. If you can decipher every single Steve McClaren by his greeting and costume, you win a Rosetta Stone Audio CD narrated by the man himself. 

- Patron Bruce Murray pitches his first aid method at the park, the infamous Magic Sponge.

- And Ryan brings us Golden Hands Solo: A Final Hope, a fun if slightly violent challenge featuring Team USA's hall of famer Hope Solo. 

Please continue sending us your ideas! We promise feature every single one. 

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

What a superb episode we have for you this week - it's the Footballland Public Consultation Best Of The Patrons Special!

By this point we've had so many ride ideas, songs, jingles and general suggestions from our patrons that we've been able to dedicate a whole episode to them. So let's relive them in all their glory: The Lee Cattermole Petting Zoo, The Cristiano Ronaldo Hall Of Mirrors, A Cup of Caribou, Gary Mabbutt's Queen's Nose, that Brian Eno-esque ambient soundscape by Elizabeth Ardhands, Crispin Quinne from the Dordogne's full 2 minute epic song and many, MANY more! 

Thank you so much for your ideas so far. Please keep sending them to us, and we hope you enjoy this compilation.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

It's been another incredibly successful meeting at Footballland HQ. 

Anthony has added a nostalgic feel to the theme park, in tribute to those times in the 1970s when a dog always seemed to make its way onto a football pitch. His idea is very simple - we let loose a live dog in the theme park, while someone dressed as a referee has to catch it, then chuck it back over the perimeter fence. 

PLUS, comedian Poppy Hillstead pitches her ride idea - The Teddy Sheringham Blimp. It's a giant blimp in the sky shaped like Teddy Sheringham, which you can climb inside and play poker and eat fish and chips. But will Poppy's idea pass Anthony and Mark's stringent vetting process? 

AND patron Nick Dunmore is back to explain his ride idea - Downsize Fitz Hall 

BUT sad news, as there seems to be a problem with The Cristiano Ronaldo Hall of Mirrors. 

As ever, send us YOUR ideas for rides, sideshows, jingles, anthems, statues, mascots! We need to build this park quickly! 

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Listeners to Footballland have rightly asked us - "Why isn't there a ride at your theme park that celebrates the ridiculousness of Arsenal Football Club?" It's a question we've been pondering ourselves, so we duly invited Arsenal Twitter scholar Laura Kirk to come up with a solution. 

Laura sealed herself in the Wayne Lineker Fibreglass Testicle for a full 35 minutes before emerging (like a weird butterfly) with The Arsenal Way, a gauntlet run featuring all the manners in which her beloved Gooners have self-destructed in the last 20 years. We think it's a hit, and we hope you enjoy riding it. 

PLUS, this week:

- Patreon Nick Dunmore writes 3 words - 'Downsize Fitz Hall,' in the shortest ride idea yet. 

- Mark reveals his work in progress "The Ali Dia Waltzers"

- And there's a problem with our existing ride, "Lee Cattermole's Petting Zoo."

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

All the best 

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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It's been another hugely successful meeting at Footballland HQ.

After a record TWO whole weeks spent in the Wayne Lineker Fibreglass Testicle Green Room, Larry & Paul emerge to pitch their second ride for Footballland - It Doesn't Actually Really Matter That Much: The Ride. This meeting was a tense one - Mark and Anthony, and Larry and Paul clearly hate each other. But they had this meeting in the interests of Footballland, and the interests of business. And we feel that Footballland has been the winner.

Also, the boys are proud to unveil THREE NEW EXPERIENCES:

- Roman Abramovich's Runaway Mine Train

- Why Is No One Talking?

- Patreon James Worley's Gary Mabbutt's Queen's Nose.

But some sad news, as intern Ryan has identified a problem with Tom Deacon's England House of National Horrors

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"I think many guests would love to hear Neymar reading A Brief History of Time by Professor Stephen Hawking."

It's been yet another hugely successful meeting at Footballland HQ. 

We now have over 30 (THIRTY) rides, experiences and attractions, and it's now time to start thinking of the all-important part: where they actually go in the park itself. 

In this meeting the boys plan the park's zones, or 'areas' - 6 different regions of Footballland, titled UEFA-Land, ConMeBol Close, ConCaCaCaCaCaf Cul-de-Sac, Oceania Archipelago, Place de Caf and AsiaTown. Each region will have a giant statue of the person that represents their region the best. But which 6 statues will be chosen?

For all you theme park aficianados out there interested in the behind the scenes, this is the podcast to listen to. This is exactly how they plan your Disneys, your Thorpe Parks and your Alton Towers of this world. 

A must listen for students and the curious. 

Please note there is no guest this week, for two reasons:

a) Larry and Paul are still in the fibreglass testicle green room. 

b) This meeting is too important for guests, if anything. 

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

All the best 

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

"Willian gave me a hug once, and it was lovely."

It was another very successful meeting in the world of Footballland. We are proud to announce FIVE new rides:

- Special guests, comedy double act Larry & Paul, pitched the Elland Roadacoaster, in which guests can experience exactly what it's like to be a Leeds United fan. Quite a violent ride, even by Footballland standards, this coaster claims to be the longest in the world, lasting 15 years and 2 1/2 minutes. 

- Our patrons Richard Beecham and Dan Rennie pitch The Grimsby Town Waterslide, charting the club's precipice-like downfall in the mid noughties. 

- Our patron Phil Lee brings us 'A Cup of Caribou,' a children's ride designed to improve the image of the Carabao Cup. 

- Mark unveils his new creation, Mourinho Laundrinho, the world's first wicker basket rollercoaster. 

- And Anthony proposes a new way of ferrying guests around the park, with his fleet of Holding Midfielders. 

But sad news, as Ryan our intern has found a problem with Footballland's stadium, The Squeaky Bumtime Arena. 

We hope you enjoy this episode, and please don't stop sending us your ideas. 

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

All the best 

Anthony Richardson, CEO of Footballland 

Mark Davison, Lord Sir Chief Ride Engineer

Ryan Baxter, Intern.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

"Not sure we need the pit crew anymore."

The bees are buzzing, the birds are singing, and Roy Keane is on his way to Footballland, taking charge of his very own theme park attraction, Roy Keane's 'Stick It Up Your B*llocks' Dodgems!

Jim Daly, comedian and host of FYP Podcast came up with the idea, and it's now our job to convince Keano to come out to Qatar and tell all the Footballland guests that their driving is sh*te. 

PLUS:

• Anthony announces a long-awaited ride for the children, 'Jurgen Klopp's Clip Clop Trots' 
• Supporter 'Entertainer' pitches a Newcastle United themed rollercoaster.
• But bad news, as Ryan finds a problem with Patron Matt Whitworth's Nigel De Jong's Clog Flume. 

Warning, due to the effects of Roy Keane, the final section of this episode contains some strong language. Mostly f*ck. 

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

"I'm two years old. I don't think it's very nice to see your own fans booing you. I don't think it's very nice at all."

We are delighted to unveil Meeting 13 of Footballland, featuring comedian and presenter Tom Deacon's addition to the park - The England National House of Horrors.

In this terrifying experience, guests will walk through a series of shameful rooms, depicting The Three Lions' mostly dismal displays on the international stage over the last 70 years. 

PLUS:

- Anthony pitches Alan Hansen's Lost Childhood Youth Team Tournament.

- Mark unveils Luis Suarez's Pacman Maze 

- Patron Chris Pinguin sends in a jingle 

- And an exciting marketing opportunity: Durex have got in touch and want a ride that's 'sexy but safe.'

Keep your ideas coming - we'll discuss them all in upcoming meetings.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

"It's a sad end to an otherwise successful meeting."

It's been another huge week at Footballland Towers, as we continue to build the world's first football theme park, using the 1 billion dollars we were accidentally given by the state of Qatar. 

This week our special guest is none other than WAYNE LINEKER, brother of former England international Gary Lineker, and owner of Lineker's Bar in Ibiza (the future of which is uncertain). 

Wayne will be the first to try out the new green room! Mark has constructed a 10 foot by 10 foot fibreglass testicle, lined with plush velvet. From now onwards, guests will sit inside the testicle until they're ready to pitch their idea. We can't wait to find out what ride Wayne has dreamed up! 

Also, Anthony unveils the new flagship rollercoaster - the Goalie Coaster. The ONLY rollercoaster where failure to save enough goals gets you placed in a torture isolation tank in the gift shop! 

Plus a Patreon pitches the new fairground attraction, Lee Cattermole's Petting Zoo - guests stick their hand in a black box, and have to guess whether the trapped animal within is a cat or a mole. 

And Mark brings us his new logistical scheme - Ballboys for Cleaners. 

Keep your ideas coming - we'll discuss them all in upcoming meetings.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

"Would Princess Diana poo?"

It's another busy and productive meeting at Footballland towers, as this week we invite football writer Nick Miller to pitch his ride.

- Intern Ryan has been out and about collecting sounds of John Carver eating for the ASMR experience at Paul Dummett's Meat And Potato Funfair.

- Mark unveils a new Footballland experience: "Be The Ref," which allows one lucky punter to become Footballland's head of security for the day.

- Anthony suggests a "Day of Silence," in which guests remain silent the entire day at Footballland to remember those in football who have sadly departed that year.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

"Would we be able to hear Sir Geoff Hurst making love?"

It's another busy and productive meeting at Footballland towers, as this week we invite Guardian football writer Sachin Nakrani to pitch his ride.

- Ryan has feedback from Geri Halliwell on the 'Spice Boys Medley' at the Steve Kabbaret

- Mark unveils his newest ride, Be The Ball, where guests sit inside a giant football which recreates the movements of classic goals from history

- We discuss Patreon Patron Matt Whitworth's ride idea The Slizard Nemeth-sis. 

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

- Special guest Sachin Nakrani pitches his ride Crash Bang Benjamin Massing

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Greetings, Footballland fans.

Footballland the theme park is really coming together, and in meeting 9 we can exclusively reveal FOUR new attractions:

- The International Break hotel, situated inconveniently on the other side of Qatar, is the official hotel partner of Footballland. We welcome guests to stay overnight, as long as they come alone and are not carrying an injury.

- Special guest Adam Savage pitches Zinedine Zidane's Mamma Mia Mayhem, a rollercoaster allowing you to become Zinedine Zidane for 90 seconds, destroying the whole of Italy with your cultured, granite head.

- Patreon James Knowles' "Crazy Gang Experience," which randomly selects 11 guests on entry to the park to beat up random fellow punters until they are ejected from the premises.

- Christmas Fixture Congestion. Mark proposes that on one day of the year opening times at the park are resticted to just one hour, so that guests have to race between rides as quickly as possible.

But sad news from Ryan, who has chatted with the FA. They have some feedback on Footballland's restaurant, Asscoffiation Noshball.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Sign up to the Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

We have another episode of Footballland for you, which features THREE new attractions at Footballland:

- Enhancers Sports Bar. This bar is stocked with performance enhancing drugs, enabling guests to relax, socialise and beat their 100 metre sprint time on the purpose built barside running track. 

- National Anthem Autotune. Footballers rarely sing their national anthems in tune, so Mark has come up with the perfect solution. 

- Wag's Corner. We invited Joe Comedy Award winner Rosie Holt to pitch her idea, which seems to be a football male brothel. We can't wait to build it. 

But sad news, as Ryan has spotted a potential problem with Steve 'Mechanical' Bull.

And we have more ideas from Patrons and members of the public.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

In another successful and productive meeting, we welcome two more rides to the world's first football themed theme park!

This week Mark Davison brings us his vision of The Squeaky Bumtime Arena, Footballland's stadium, which is shaped like a bottom. Also we welcome comedians The Delightful Sausage, who bring to the park their Westworld-style experiential ride, Hasta La Vista Cantona. 

And finally, may we introduce our newest employee at Footballland, Ryan Baxter (intern). Ryan's job is to iron out any logistical problems that might arise with the new development. His first job is to agree a deal with Leicester Cathedral for the bones of King Richard III.

Footballland Explained:

Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given $1 billion dollars by Qatar to build a football-themed theme park in Qatar for the 2022 World Cup. He and Mark Davison (Chief Ride Engineer) are in a race against the clock to design and commission the most exciting football theme park rides in the history of amusements.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

FOOTBALLLAND Ep 6 - Feat Pete Donaldson

Roll Up! Roll Up! Come join Pete Donaldson as he pitches a brand new carnival sideshow at Footballland - Paul Dummett's Meat & Potato Funfair! The fair includes Gazza's Hook a Duck, The Drink Driving Dodgems and Steve McClaren whispering accents in your ear from around the world!

This week is also our first Public Consultation Special. Due to the terms of our Patreon, we're contractually obliged to discuss ride ideas from our backers, and discuss them we do! Proposals include Cristiano Ronaldo's Hall of Mirrors and Nigel De Jong's Clog Flume.

Footballland is really starting to come on as a theme park, and we can't wait for you to get inside it.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

FOOTBALLLAND Ep 5 - Feat Eggsy From Goldie Lookin' Chain

Eggsy popped into Footballand HQ this week to pitch his Westworld-style ride idea - The School Sports Football Simulator. Relive your schooldays on Footballland's state-of-the-art muddy football pitch, complete with overbearing PE teacher and gigantic 'bigger boys,' all while the weather simulator chucks down sleeting rain and freezes your nuts off. Paying to have a terrible time? It's the British way!

Plus Anthony and Mark bring us the Steve Kabba-ret, the Premier League dinner entertainment show! It features the Dele Dancers, Ian Rush's remote controlled moustache, and Bryan Robson's Escape The Drop. Careful he doesn't get his hair in your soup!

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

Footballland Episode 4 - Introducing Footballland's premier dining experience: Asscoffiation Noshball!

That is a play on words of 'Association Football.' It's nothing to do with 'scoffing ass' or 'noshing off balls.'

This restaurant features a multi-course tasting menu which leads football fans on a culinary adventure from the invention of the game in the 19th century to the present day! Eat the foods footballers would have eaten, from full meat roasts in the 1880s, to fish and chips, bitter, then lager, then another lager, then healthy carbohydrates in the 90s all the way to a Skittles Vodka aperitif! Are those rumbling stomachs we can hear?

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Exclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

FOOTBALLLAND EP 3 - Featuring Special Guest Nim Odedra

RIDES DESIGNED - The 'Betrayal Monorail' with Giggsy's Garden, plus The Sir Alex Ferguson Mindgames Experience

After Anthony accidentally receives $1 Billion from Qatar to build the world's first football theme park in time for the World Cup in 2022, he names himself CEO, gives Mark Davison the title Chief Ride Engineer and rents an office somewhere in Winchester.

This week Mark dreams up a giant Sir Alex Ferguson shaped head in which park guests are psychologically tortured, plus special guest Nim Odedra brings us an important piece of infrastructure - the monorail. However, like all rides at Footballland, this has a weird twist.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

FOOTBALLLAND EP 2 - Featuring Special Guest Marek Larwood.

RIDES DESIGNED - The Football Hunger Games, Steve 'Mechanical' Bull

After Anthony accidentally receives $1 Billion from Qatar to build the world's first football theme park in time for the World Cup in 2022, he names himself CEO, gives Mark Davison the title Chief Ride Engineer and rents an office somewhere in Winchester.

In today's meeting Mark proposes four separate Footballland theme tunes, Anthony introduces his ride Steve 'Mechanical' Bull and comedian Marek Larwood pitches his exhibit 'The Football Hunger Games', in which a selection of former 'hard-men' footballers fight to the death for the park visitors' amusement.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Exclusive Car Park Naming Rights https://www.patreon.com/TheFootballland

FOOTBALLLAND EP 1 - Featuring Special Guest Jimmy Conrad!

RIDES DESIGNED - The Conrad3000, The Leicester City Fairytale Ride, The Tunnel Of Vagner/Donald Love.

After Anthony accidentally receives $1 Billion from Qatar to build the world's first football theme park in time for the World Cup in 2022, he names himself CEO, gives Mark Davison the title Chief Ride Engineer and rents an office somewhere in Winchester.

The boys have a very short time window to design this park but thankfully they've enlisted the help of former USA defender Jimmy Conrad, who's from California and therefore has an extensive knowledge of theme park culture. Sadly, the discussion with Jimmy doesn't go to plan.

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

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Anthony Richardson has accidentally been given 1 Billion US Dollars by the state of Qatar, to build the world's first football theme park in Qatar, to be ready in time for World Cup 2022. Unfortunately, Anthony has never built a theme park before, so he's enlisted the help of his friend and colleague Mark Davison. Unfortunately, Mark Davison has no experience of building theme parks either, but by this point it's too late to give the money back, as they've spent some of it on a new laptop and a really nice pen.

Every week Anthony and Mark will plan out their football theme park and take ideas and ride designs from special guests including comedians, footballers, musicans and journalists, none of whom have any experience building theme parks.

Come join us at Footballland! "Our Goal Is Your Dreams!" "Where Dreams Are Kicked About!" "Come In And Kick The Magic!" "The Beautiful Game (Park)!" "Come Score Some Pleasure!"

Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/footballland.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.