Study and understand history.

What's happening in the world today, is not just about 2SLGBTQ rights and freedoms, it's about our common humanity and the ethical belief that no one person is superior to another. 

Links mentioned in the episode can be found on my website.

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Previously Jade served as the Volunteer and Community Outreach Coordinator at The ArQuives, the Education Programs Coordinator at Kind Space, and they continue to run an independent inclusion and diversity consulting business as well as serving as an Ásatrú Gythia (priestess) of Vindisir Kindred. They were one of the authors of the Transitioning Employers: A survey of policies and practices for trans inclusive workplaces and the cohost of the Uncovering Belonging Podcast. In their spare time they can be found geeking out over queer, trans, and Norse histories, fire-keeping, and spending time with their chosen family.

You can watch the video here: https://darrenstehle.substack.com/p/pride-at-work-canada-jade-pichette

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☞ Discover more about how we can work together.

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But our primary focus is Mark's signature approach to productivity, his Only 10s framework. He jokes that if you were to show him your to-do list, it would be like reading tarot cards. He would be able to tell you in an instant what you value, what you like and dislike, and what you're afraid of doing.

Show notes, links, and watch the interview on video at Queering Self-Mastery with Darren Stehle.

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If you’re a creative change-maker who is struggling to make an impact and create a successful business that you love, let’s meet for a free a discovery coaching session. I’ll help you get the clarity you need to determine your next most productive steps and to get back on track.

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• What does "being authentic" really mean?
• How is that advice helpful if you're in the closet and have been struggling to come out for years?
• What if you've been married for decades and are afraid about who you might hurt and what you might lose?

If you're in the closet and thinking about coming out, or if you know of someone who's struggling, this episode is about getting clear about your emotional reasons for coming out, and how you can prepare to be as ready — for when it feels "right" for you to come out and freely create a life you love.

As mentioned in the episode, if you want to talk with someone about how to come out, or if you're dealing with shame around your gender or sexual identity, let's meet for a private conversation. 

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Jeremy Long is a Queer man, Coach, and founder of the Conscious Queer Community. He also is the owner of Enhance Leadership as a Leadership and Organizational Development Coach.

Click here for the show notes, video, and links mentioned in the episode: 

☞ https://darrenstehle.substack.com/p/coach-jeremy-long

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Self-examination and knowing the events, the people, the environments, and the conditions that shaped your past are useful information. This is your personal narrative — and you can do with it what you please. In my case, I was determined to live better in the now than I had been living in my past.

The complete show notes are published on Queering Self-Mastery. Sign up for practical tips and strategies for queer-thinking creators and change-makers to create a joyful life, accomplish your goals, and make a difference.

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If you’re a creator or change-maker who is struggling to make a difference and create a thriving business that you love, let’s meet for a free 90-minute discovery coaching session. I’d like to find out what motivates you and how you want to make a difference in the world.

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• The difference between the Think Queerly Podcast and Queerly Self-Mastery
• My reasons for creating a new Substack newsletter.
• What I mean by 'queering self-mastery.'
• Why you should subscribe and how Queering Self-Mastery will make a transformational difference in your life.

☞ Subscribe to Queering Self-Mastery.

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Douglas shares her story of what that was like, falling in love with another woman in her unit for the first time, being honourably discharged, and what happened after. Ironically, Douglas worked for the Canadian Department of Justice for many years, while working in advocacy to keep the government accountable. 

Douglas explains how in 2016, survivors of the LGBT Purge launched a nationwide class action lawsuit against the Canadian government. She was approached to manage the resulting settlement fund reached in 2018, and the rest is history. 

Read the complete show notes ☞ https://darrenstehle.com/michelle-douglas-lgbt-purge-fund/

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Darren Stehle is a Mind-Mastery Coach who works with LGBTQ+ creators, change-makers, and thought leaders to efficiently accomplish their goals, create a life they love, and make a difference in the process.

If you're a creator or change-maker who wants to enjoy life and create a thriving business that makes a difference, you'll want to subscribe to my Substack where I publish weekly in-depth self-mastery practices and efficient productivity frameworks.

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"Ever feel challenged to live an inspired queer life? Feeling aimless and not sure what is next? Fellow Queer coach Darren Stehle challenges us to take a deeper step into self-mastery, ideation, and the journey of inspired action to live our most powerful lives as gay men over 40. You’ll learn useful techniques for bringing your ideal life to life."

Rick Clemons is a well-known culture disruptor (in a good way), “closet buster (coming out coach),” and bold move strategist – inspiring people to live life with no excuses, no fears, no apologies. 

Tapping into his 25+ years of experience in personal development, and leveraging being a late bloomer, coming out of the closet at 36, he’s created a no B.S. approach for thriving as a gay man and father – personally and professionally. Rick loves writing (Frankly My Dear I’m Gay), podcasting (Life (UN)Closeted and 40 Plus: Gay Men. Gay Talk), facilitating out-of-the-ordinary personal development experiences and speaking to audiences across the globe on living life without apologies. He loves wine, his two grown daughters, and his husband, in that order (but don’t tell the hubby where he fits in the pecking order). Visit his website at RickClemons.com. 

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If you don’t know what’s most important to you, you can’t make choices based on integrity. Values are the compass that keeps you on the path to accomplishing your most meaningful goals and dreams. 

When you know what’s essential and meaningful, you can skillfully respond with choices and actions that are in alignment with whom you want to be.

What you can control are your choices. 

If you make decisions in accordance with your values, you’re creating a form of prediction that increases certainty and manages your stress response to difficult situations or environments. This acts as a reminder of whom you want to be at the moment.

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If you’re an LGBTQ+ creator, change-maker, or thought leader who is struggling with direction, priorities, and productivity, let’s meet for a conversation to discuss how you can accomplish your goals, create a life you love — and make a difference in the process.

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It’s downright unhealthy and damaging to your self-esteem!

If you’ve truly done something wrong you feel guilt about, own up to it. However, if you’re struggling with something not going to plan — for example, how to make more money, get a better job, or why your business isn’t growing — consider if you’re missing skills or knowledge.

Ask yourself, “Am I ignorant or incompetent?”

Ignorant = you don’t know something

Incompetent = you’re lacking a skill

The difference between staying stuck where you are or overcoming adversity is whether you’re willfully ignorant and incompetent or consciously aware of what you don’t know and the skills you’re lacking.

Admitting what you don’t know is the first step toward transformation and creating a better future.

If you’re struggling, doubting yourself, or wondering “What’s wrong with me?”, let’s have a conversation.

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I was a sickly child with severe ADHD. I had a learning disability that made it hard for me to read letters. And I was gay without knowing what that meant.

Other kids and a few teachers made me feel like an outsider and not good enough.

My health issues, which attracted unwanted attention, and being in the closet kept me fearful of freely expressing my truth. I was too scared to talk about it with my parents because the root of my fear was the thing I knew about myself but didn’t understand. My thoughts were, I’m no good, I’m not well, I’m not smart enough, I’ll never amount to anything.

I allowed those perceptions to limit my life into my early 40s...

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If you’re an LGBTQ+ change-maker who’s ready to transform into an impactful leader and make a difference, let's have a conversation.

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I had such a great time hosting this interview. It's clear to me how committed both Omid and Ethan are to this important organization and the impact it's had on their own lives.

Complete show notes, bios, and links ☞ https://darrenstehle.com/it-gets-better-canada/

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Most animals have basic needs like food, shelter, safety, and procreation. If those needs are met, the animal feels safe. If not, they feel higher levels of stress and threat. Humans have the same needs.

The ACC has a second meaning from a personal leadership and behavioural viewpoint.

In this context, the ACC stands for Acceptance, Connection, and Care (credit to my coach, Dax Moy). These are core human emotions which collectively and independently demonstrate love in the largest sense of the word. When any one of those emotional needs is not met, we do not feel safe.

☞ Read the complete article here.

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As a queer thought leader, neuro-coach, writer, and podcaster, Darren Stehle helps LGBTQ+ creators and change-makers develop their self-mastery and go from confusion to making an impactful difference in the world.

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Organizing in church basements, classrooms and around kitchen tables, they take on a conservative town council that won’t fly a rainbow flag and bend some rules to create a safe space for youth to come out. Despite experiences of isolation and discrimination, they love their communities and strive to make them places where everyone, no matter who and how they love, can live and thrive. 

☞ Complete Show Notes, Links and Trailers

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But don’t sit in silence with your decision to support LGBTQ+ businesses or allies.

☞ Read the full article here.

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As a queer thought leader, neuro-coach, writer, and podcaster, Darren Stehle helps LGBTQ+ creators and change-makers develop their self-mastery and go from confusion to making an impactful difference in the world. 

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Even for those of us with practiced emotional resilience, we face moments when we can’t take it anymore. When that happens, you need to take care of yourself, calm your reactive emotions and mind, and find ways to reconnect with other people who embody understanding, connection, and empathy. Otherwise, you’ll shut down completely, or veer in the opposite direction of outrage, disgust, and argument.

Here are 6 easy skills to practice protecting your peace of mind, to lead with integrity at work, at home, and for the people you care about.

📖 Read the article here.

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Read the article

☞ Are Personality Assessments Like Myers-Briggs and Enneagrams Useful When You’re Working with a Coach?

Discover my IDEA(tion) approach to personal transformation.

Designed to help you gain Insight, Direction, and Emotional Alignment so you can efficiently accomplish your goals and enjoy more happiness, freedom, and peace of mind. Contact me for a free session.

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☞ Read the original post

Articles mentioned in the episode:

• The Threat of Religious Extremism and Radicalized Individuals to the Common Good
• “Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs” – A Specious Defence of Prejudice

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Dax is a coach, educator, mentor, author, public speaker, and strength trainer. He was my coach for a year and a half while I was part of his MindMap Mastery Coach training program.

Click here to read the show notes or watch the video. 

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Every Thursday at 1 PM (EST), I offer a free 1:1 coaching session with an individual queer creator.

Get clarity about your ideas and create effective strategies to make immediate progress on your most meaningful project or goal. This is a first-come-first-served weekly session and it’s completely free. ☞ Register here: https://darrenstehle.com/events

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"It will all work out for the best," said someone who wants to be helpful but doesn't know what to do.

If you want to experience more peace of mind, calm, and happiness, you don't want to think positively. Listen in to find out can do instead. Read the post: "Why Positive Thinking Is a Waste of Your Time."

Every Thursday at 1 PM (EST), I offer a free 1:1 coaching session with an individual queer creator.

Get clarity about your ideas and create effective strategies to make immediate progress on your most meaningful project or goal. This is a first-come-first-served weekly session and it’s completely free. ☞ Register here

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We live in a paradoxical duality: Our humanity connects us, but it doesn’t necessarily protect us.

This is especially true for LGBTQ+ people in Poland, Chechnya, and Russia. Dominant religious myths and political parties have deemed our lives a threat to societal mores and values — or that we are non-existent entities, i.e., we simply do not exist in their country.

It's unlikely that we can all just get along. It's not pragmatic, realistic, or even human nature. However, we can build bridges that connect more of us, bridges that people feel safe crossing — regardless of individual values or beliefs — to start a meaningful, humane dialogue.

Whenever you're ready, here are three ways we can work together:

1. Book a Deep-Dive Session with me to unlock creative strategies and make more progress than you would on your own.
2. The 30-Day IDEA(tion) Jump-Start will help you go from creative ideation to implementation and maintain your momentum.
3. The Queer Creative IDEA(tion) Mastermind Group offers the support of working with other LGBTQ+ creators and thought leaders, as well as guidance in the form of MindMap Mastery Neuro-Coaching.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we talk about the book as a way of understanding where we are now in 2022, and where things are headed socially and politically from an intersectional viewpoint. 

☞ Read the complete show notes.

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Queer IDEA(tion) Thought Leadership Newsletter

Queer Thought Leaders & Creatives understand how a single idea has the power to change everything. Want to learn the skills to make a meaningful difference that’s aligned with your purpose? ☞ Start reading Queer IDEA(tion)

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Click here for show notes, links, and the full video of the episode.

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If you’re an LGBTQ creator or change-maker who is working to make a difference in the lives of other queer people, I invite you to join me for a free 30-Day IDEAtion Coaching Jump-Start.

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"Alphabet Soup: The Essential Guide to LGBTQ2+ Inclusion at Work" is now available for pre-order.

Read the complete show notes: Michael Bach’s “Alphabet Soup: The Essential Guide to LGBTQ2+ Inclusion”

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In this episode, I discuss,

• The willingness and openness to understand another person - without prejudice - is a form of humility.
• The most significant challenge with critical thinking is the intersection and potential conflict of one's beliefs.
• Why “sincerely held religious beliefs” are nothing more than a form of self-defence for prejudicial beliefs and choices that fly in the face of universal human dignity.

Read the article on Think Queerly.

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Darren is a certified MindMap Mastery Coach, specializing in the areas of behavioural and change science relating to lifestyle and transformational coaching. Darren empowers LGBTQ+ creatives and thought leaders to become more skillful at making a difference in the world. Every week, I hold a live Community Forum on Zoom where you can ask me anything.

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The challenge he has is that committee meetings are open to all who wish to attend. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by all the individual voices, but the club wants to remain open and inclusive, especially for the upcoming Annual General Meeting. Added to this is the challenge of meeting virtually due to COVID-19 and how Zoom meetings affect the flow of group communication.

Read the complete show notes here: https://thinkqueerly.com/fostering-an-lgbtq-cricket-clubs-ethos-and-culture-of-inclusion-acceptance-and-individual-value-bdee2737ddec

Join me live, for one of my weekly Think Queerly LGBTQ+ Creator’s Forums. And if you’re a queer creator who’s struggling with any part of your business or creative project, let’s meet for an IDEA(tion) Discovery Session to help you get clarity, focus, and direction.

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If we don’t love ourselves, it may be that we haven’t questioned the beliefs we hold about certain things in our lives. We may go about our lives based on these uncritically held beliefs — also not knowing what we value. When something happens that’s perceived as a negative, we blame ourselves. 

For example, a gay man dealing with gay shame or anyone who identifies as queer dealing with the shame of being othered — having felt like they never fit in growing up as a child and adolescent. Not having seen yourself properly represented in a meaningful, thoughtful, loving, and self-accepting way while growing up during your formative years can play havoc with your self-love.

Read the complete post at Think Queerly on Medium.

If you would like to have a more in-depth discussion about how you can become more mindful — and how that can have an impact on your skillfulness as a queer creative or thought leader — let’s meet for a conversation.

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Jeff recognized Ken’s name because I used to work at Pink Triangle Press (PTP) in Toronto, Canada where Ken was my direct report. I had also talked about PTP, and its founding publication, The Body Politic, in an interview (with Jeff as co-host) with the authors of “Out North: An Archive of Queer Activism and Kinship in Canada” about a year ago.

The notes for today's show are extensive. For guest bios, episode notes, and a "Historical Background of Gay Activism at Cornell" prepared by Jeffry J. Iovannone, please see the supporting article here:

https://thinkqueerly.com/an-intergenerational-conversation-with-gay-activist-ken-popert-58296cdfa17c

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In this Think Queerly IDEA(tion) Coaching episode, I ask Ro what question or struggle they want to work through in our session. Ro has noticed in their study of Somatic sex education and movement that practitioners are taught to “down-regulate” during treatment to calm down — which is the opposite of what they want to do.

Ro wants to know how to marry their own excitation (which they love about themselves and tend towards, mostly as a form of trauma response relating to their ADHD and neuroscience-diversity) with the pairing of creative art therapies and somatic therapies. They also want to find more ways to offer invitations to people to engage in play and excitation within the lens of mindfulness and somatics.

Read the complete show notes at Think Queerly on Medium.

Is It 2022 Already?

If you’re wondering how to make a difference in your life for 2022, consider these questions:

1. What are you most passionate about? What excites you, brings you joy, and motivates you? Are you spending as much time and energy on your passion as you’d like?
2. What are you struggling with at the moment? What do you think is causing that and what’s stopping you from solving this problem?
3. What’s your number one goal? Or, what’s the most impactful goal you want to accomplish over the next 90-days? What would achieving that goal make of you?

If you’d like to dive deeper into these questions with me, let’s have a conversation so that I can help you get clarity, focus, and direction to one or more of your answers to the questions above. Click here to watch a short video and request a discovery call with me.

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If you only want to hear about Queer topics, Think Queerly is what you want in your ears.

The Think Queerly Podcast explores the mutually arising relationship between the status quo and all things queer. A queer perspective is the counter-balance that supports a healthy, loving, and equitable society. On the show, I explore queer history, social and political issues, and I have discussions with queer leaders and creators who are making a positive difference in the world. You can follow Think Queerly on Medium where I publish full episode notes and articles.

If you’re interested in personal evolution, humane leadership, and a virtue philosophy for the common good, The Way of Human(e) Heartedness is the community you want to be a part of.

The Way of Human(e) Heartedness is a non-dogmatic approach to lead with personal responsibility for equity and the common good. Influenced by the wisdom of the Tao Te Ching, Human(e) Heartedness is a conscious practice that cultivates the values of non-contention, humility, compassion, impartiality, yielding flexibility, and oneness. Practiced together, these values foster inclusion, equity, understanding, and respect for humanity. To nurture these values, I share my Personal Evolution Processes (P.E.P.) based on the neuroscience of transformational coaching to become more skillful in life and to enjoy more happiness, contentment, and freedom.

If these ideas and ideals appeal to you, I invite you to subscribe.

I have created a new home on Substack where you can subscribe to The Way of Human(e) Heartedness — and enjoy the new podcast as well.

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Read the full show notes here: https://thinkqueerly.com/queerness-horror-memoir-and-toronto-lgbtq-history-in-red-x-a-new-novel-by-david-demchuk-f0874651dfa7

About David Demchuk

Award-winning author David Demchuk has been writing for print, stage, digital and other media for more than 40 years. His debut horror novel The Bone Mother, published in 2017, was nominated for the Scotiabank Giller Prize, the Amazon First Novel Award, the Toronto Book Award, the Kobzar Book Award and a Shirley Jackson Award in the Best Novel category. It won the 2018 Sunburst Award for Excellence in Canadian Literature of the Fantastic in the Adult Fiction category. It was listed in the Globe and Mail's 100 best books of 2017, came in at #22 in the National Post's top 99 books of the year and became a #1 bestseller on Amazon.ca. His troubling new novel RED X was published by Strange Light in August 2021. He is represented by Barbara Berson of the Helen Heller Literary Agency. He currently lives in Toronto.

Follow David on Instagram, Twitter, or visit his website to purchase his books.

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Looking back over this past year, I believe that I have created and shared meaningful content that speaks to my philosophy and offers ideas and practices to create more clarity, focus, and direction in your life. 

My Top 10 List

1. Some Thoughts on the Issues to Consider for Leaving Facebook.
2. Freddie Lewis On Using Music and Poetry to Share His Journey of Finding Self-Love as a Queer Person.
3. Banned From California — Jim Foshee’s Life of Persecution, Redemption, Liberation, and the Gay Civil Rights Movement.
4. Michael Bach — Internationally Recognized Thought Leader in Inclusion, Diversity, Equity, and Accessibility.
5. What Can You Control in Your Life to Experience More Love, Happiness, and Freedom?
6. How Can You Reduce the Anxiety of Overwhelm?
7. What Should You Do When You Don’t Feel Competent Enough?
8. Forget Affirmations, What You Need Are ‘Statements of Self-Truth.’
9. Universal Human Dignity: Human Love and Self-Expression Must be Free.
10. On Staying Insecure and Embracing Imposter Syndrome.

Read the full article on my new Substack page — The Way of Human(e) Heartedness: https://darrenstehle.substack.com

Are You Ready to Make a Positive Impact in 2022?

On Wednesday, December 29 at 1:00 PM (EST), I'm hosting a counter-intuitive approach to the usual end-of-year review in a free, live & interactive coaching webinar. Learn more and reserve your seat for the webinar by clicking here.

Where You Stand Program

A 13-Week Personal Evolution Group Coaching Program Starting Monday, January 17, 2022. Discover how to build a solid, personal foundation supported by the neuroscience of transformational coaching for clarity, focus, direction, and emotional alignment. Details and sign-up for the program here: https://darrenstehle.com/coaching/where-you-stand-program/

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A simple way of framing character traits is to think of an actor playing a character in a movie. The actor needs to embody the character’s attitude and personality for the viewer to believe how the actor is behaving. Character traits are what we use to describe who we are and how we act. 

For example, you can describe someone’s character as kind, thoughtful, aggressive, or aloof. Your dominant character traits describe and demonstrate what you most value and believe in. These are the qualities that support your integrity. When you stand your ground in the truth of your authentic nature, you are doing so without the need to be conscious of choosing your actions.

Read the full article: https://darrenstehle.com/character-traits-ground-who-you-are/

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This is what you will hear during this IDEAtion Coaching session with Jon Carl Lewis. In him, you will witness a wonderful example of what Human(e) Thought Leadership looks like. Enjoy!

Read the complete show notes here: https://thinkqueerly.com/owning-the-powerful-distinction-its-not-about-me-it-s-about-the-product-b250d0852936

You’re Ready to Make a Positive Impact in 2022!

Discover a counter-intuitive approach to the usual end-of-year review. If you want to make an impact in 2022, discover the core foundations of self-mastery to not only make a difference, but to experience more happiness, contentment, and freedom. 

Join me on Wednesday, December 29 at 1:00 PM (EST). For details and to reserve your spot, click here: https://pages.darrenstehle.com/end-of-2021-webinar

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

To lead yourself from such a noble place — as if that place already existed — you will need to practice and embody values, principles, and beliefs that support a universal human dignity.

However, I’m not suggesting a belief in a spiritual entity, following a religion, or a set of commandments. Instead, this is the personal responsibility of cultivating a loving, equitable, and harmonious humanity that — I believe — is both an individual and collective human responsibility. This is our ultimate, equitable endeavour.

Read the article on Medium:

https://medium.com/curious/human-e-thought-leadership-how-to-be-the-change-for-the-common-good-through-self-mastery-94afca2461eb

Reserve your seat for my, "Ready to Make a Positive Impact in 2022 Webinar:"

https://pages.darrenstehle.com/end-of-2021-webinar

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The details of the reporting stuck in my head. Then a question came to mind: Why are some rightwing extremist groups so secretive? What have they got to hide? 

The only reason these kinds of groups are secretive is not because they are ashamed. These organizations are secretive because they know they are morally wrong. 

They know they are wrong because their beliefs and actions will harm, hurt, subjugate, control, abuse, indoctrinate, manipulate, and kill people. They know they are being inhuman —  they are acting inhumane  — albeit mostly unconsciously, since the majority have been so deeply brainwashed, they don't know how to think critically for themselves. 

If you can't respect the basic existential dignity of another human being  — which doesn't mean you have to agree with them —  you do not respect yourself. 

Read the article: "Why Are Rightwing Extremist Groups So Secretive?" https://thinkqueerly.com/why-are-rightwing-extremist-groups-so-secretive-c592d8cd78c6

For exclusive content, weekly live office hours, and to join my community, subscribe here: https://darrenstehle.substack.com.

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Each process follows a structure to help you define the problem or challenge at hand. You then further refine the problem by turning your thoughts around or considering influencing factors. Lastly, you create emotional alignment with your chosen strategies that will support your motivation and commitment to resolving the problem.

Read the article on my blog for the links to the PEPs:

https://thinkqueerly.com/try-these-transformational-strategies-to-create-more-happiness-freedom-and-certainty-in-your-life-fdea58d506cb

For exclusive content, weekly live office hours, and to join my community, subscribe here: https://darrenstehle.substack.com.

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This process will help you to get clarity and certainty about what's most important and meaningful to you about both options, and then choose the one that provides the most emotional alignment. In other words, when you can connect your choice with your emotional intentions, you are most likely to feel best about the choice and remain committed to it.

Today’s PEP is not meant for the "simple" yes or no choices in life. Instead, the power of this Personal Evolution Process is revealed in breaking down two opposing and challenging choices that you are struggling with and are holding you back.

Read the complete article: https://darrenstehle.com/two-difficult-choices-how-do-you-decide/

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While she benefits from some aspects of the platform, she wrote that she feels out of integrity supporting a platform that is detrimental to the current and future society she wants to live in. By remaining on Facebook, she is encouraging their business model and rewarding their decision-making. From a values perspective, she feels like it's time to leave.

She concluded by asking people to offer contrarian perspectives. In today's episode, I share my response and further thoughts.

Read the post on Think Queerly: "Some Thoughts on the Issues to Consider for Leaving Facebook."
https://thinkqueerly.com/some-thoughts-on-the-issues-to-consider-for-leaving-facebook-b97493cc3a8c

For exclusive content, weekly live office hours, and to join my community, subscribe here: https://darrenstehle.substack.com.

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Freddie demonstrates a simple, joyful celebration of self-pride that shows up in his being simply who he is. You don’t need to be queer to appreciate his art — you only need to be human.

Read the complete show notes and my personal review here: https://darrenstehle.com/freddie-lewis-music-poetry-self-love-as-queer-person 

Freddie’s website: https://www.freddie-lewis.co.uk/ 

Lilac Underpass Mixtape" is Out Now! https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/freddielewis/lilac-underpass-mixtape-2

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Here's the link to listen to the updated Think Queerly Podcast Introduction: https://thinkqueerlypodcast.com/episodes/living-out-podcast-intro-episode-lop000

Never miss an update to cultivate more freedom, happiness, and peace of mind!

Get my personal transformation practices at DarrenStehle.com/downloads

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Read the complete show notes here:

https://darrenstehle.com/banned-from-california-jim-foshees-life-of-persecution-redemption-liberation-and-the-gay-civil-rights-movement/

About the Author

Robert C. Steele served as a reporter and producer at various radio and television stations in Colorado and Arizona. He was a broadcaster at the Italian National Broadcasting Company (RAI Radiotelevisione Italiana) in Naples, Italy; was a reporter for Armed Forces Radio and Television along the coast of Vietnam, the Asian Western Pacific, and Vicenza, Italy; and was a volunteer activist in the early gay liberation movement with two weekly gay radio shows in Colorado. Later, as a federal government public affairs officer, he served as a government spokesperson and managed media relations with reporters who worked for media outlets from across the USA and around the world.

Banned From California book Website: https://bannedca.com

Buy the book from your local queer bookstore or on Amazon: 

https://www.amazon.com/Banned-California-Persecution-Redemption-Liberation/dp/1734010819

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Read the complete show notes here: https://darrenstehle.com/michael-bach-internationally-recognized-thought-leader-in-inclusion-diversity-equity-and-accessibility/

Are you tired of losing your temper or experiencing unwanted or harmful emotions?

Discover an effective strategy based on neuroscience to manage the emotions you want to avoid. In this FREE 90-minute coaching video, you will learn how to create emotional recipes to manage how you want to feel to enjoy more happiness, peace of mind, and freedom. Get immediate access to “How to Stay Calm and in Control” here: https://pages.darrenstehle.com/emotional-recipes-process

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The Top 10 Think Queerly Episodes

1. Think Queerly Podcast Introduction
2. The Swinging Closet Door – LOP001
3. Do You Know What You Want? – LOP002
4. Has LGBTQ+ Pride Been White-Washed by White Gay Men? TQ135
5. Are You A Top Or A Bottom? – LOP003
6. Why Gay Shame Is Your Superpower — TQ126
7. Sex Shaming During COVID-19 — A Discussion with Shaun Proulx — TQ133
8. Remaking Manhood and #MeToo with Mark Greene – LOP082
9. Kelly Walker on Celebrating Life with Grace and Delight Because It’s Good to Be Alive— TQ165
10. How Gay Shame Limits Self-Worth and Personal Growth – LOP008

Are you tired of losing your temper or experiencing unwanted or harmful emotions?

Discover an effective strategy based on neuroscience to manage the emotions you want to avoid. In this FREE 90-minute coaching video, you will learn how to create emotional recipes to manage how you want to feel to enjoy more happiness, peace of mind, and freedom. Get immediate access to “How to Stay Calm and in Control” here: https://pages.darrenstehle.com/emotional-recipes-process

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We have the capacity to change who we are because we have the ability and the skill to do so. Our character, our identity, and our choices are amorphous. The way in which you can be different today is in the actions you take at this moment — now.

==========

If you’re tired of losing your temper or experiencing unwanted or harmful emotions, discover an effective strategy based on neuroscience to manage the emotions you want to avoid. By the end of the training, you will have your own emotional recipes to better control how you want to feel and to enjoy more happiness, peace of mind, and freedom.

Get immediate access to my FREE 90-minute coaching video, “How to Stay Calm and in Control” here:

https://pages.darrenstehle.com/emotional-recipes-process

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In today's episode, I will take you through a 3-step Personal Evolution Process to define, refine, and get into alignment with what you can and what you cannot control in your life. Ultimately, having a sense of control makes us feel more at peace. 

When you consciously act on increasing your experiences of love, happiness, and freedom, this goes a long way to reducing discomfort, discord, and dissatisfaction in your life, and will have a ‘positive influence’ on others. 

Read the full article here: https://darrenstehle.com/what-can-you-control-in-your-life-to-experience-more-love-happiness-and-freedom/

If you would like a PDF copy of this Personal Evolution Process, click here: https://pages.darrenstehle.com/influence-control
================ 

Darren Stehle is a Transformational Coach, writer, and podcaster who helps thought leaders, change-makers, and creatives become more skillful at making a measurable difference in the world.

If you want to live life with more equanimity and peace of mind, and to be more skillful and efficient with your productivity, go to https://DarrenStehle.com and follow the Think Queerly Podcast on Apple Podcasts or your preferred podcast app.

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Is nostalgia somehow related to wisdom and a greater critical mass of life experience, and thus memory? Perhaps the COVID-19 lockdowns have something to do with it. With less social activity and other distractions, I’ve had more time to think about better times—so to speak. 

In this episode I share,

• My experiences of nostalgia.
• Where the meaning of nostalgia comes from (and how it used to be considered an affliction).
• What are the insights, self-awareness, wisdom, and experience of gratitude that you can gain from moments of nostalgia?
• What to do if you feel regret, as I sometimes do, in my trips down memory lane.

Read the post on The Ascent on Medium.

Are you enjoying the Think Queerly Podcast?

If yes, would you take a few seconds to give me a 5-star rating or leaving me a review on Apple Podcasts? This will make a huge difference in how many new people discover my show. 

Sign up for my weekly newsletter or download one of my free Personal Evolution Practices which you will find at DarrenStehle.com. 

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When I have that dream, it feels like I’m in a long and narrowing tunnel. As I try to move towards my goal, the space around me stretches out further ahead, taking my destination with it — like an alternate reality or special effect in a movie. Time and space appear to be pulled away from me, like taffy or a rubber band that surrenders its elasticity and doesn’t bounce back. It’s as if stepping towards where I want to go creates the expansion and separation from my goal.

What does the dream mean? The usual interpretation is that I’m stuck. And that would not be wrong, but it’s not the whole picture. 

Listen to the episode to find out why I am taking a complete break from actively publishing any new content (articles and podcast) for 5-weeks from August 1st until (ironically) Labour Day, September 6th, 2021.

Read the post on Think Queerly on Medium.

P.S. Have you ever considered taking a hiatus?

What would that look like for you? If the idea excites and possibly scares you, I invite you to download my latest Personal Evolution Process. You will discover what’s creating the most significant amount of stress and frustration in your life, why that’s happening, and what you can do about it.

Love the Think Queerly Podcast?

If yes, would you take a few seconds to give me a 5-star rating or leaving me a review on Apple Podcasts? This will make a huge difference in how many new people discover my show. 

Sign up for my weekly newsletter or download one of my free Personal Evolution Practices which you will find at DarrenStehle.com.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The purpose of coaching — in how I practice coaching — is to help my clients get clarity, focus, and direction. I help them get into emotional alignment with strategies that they create to solve their own problems or challenges.

There are moments of insight as well as moments of frustration in the coaching process. The latter is where we can get to the root of stress, frustration, and undesirable emotions — to do the work that creates more prediction and response. In other words, the work that will make your life more efficient, playful, peaceful, and free.

Well, guess what? I have a brand new Personal Evolution Process for you!

☞ Click here to download my latest Personal Evolution Practice to get clarity about your most pressing challenge, problem, or struggle in your life—right now—and what you can do about it.

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When my friend came out publicly on his birthday, in a video message on Facebook, he got lots of love from those who understood and supported him. His message was beautiful, brave, courageous, and vulnerable. I felt it and had tears in my eyes feeling while watching. But he also got resistance from those who disagreed with his message and his public declaration of his so-called lifestyle.

Your Identity Is Not a Lifestyle — Who You Are Is Who You Are.

For the links mentioned in this episode, read the post on my blog, "If You Are Human, There Is No Other — There Is Only One Humanity."

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6 Questions to Identify Your Red-Line Emotions

To get the most out of the live webinar, consider and answer the questions below. They are the perfect primer for what to expect and will make it easier for you to complete the practices that I will teach during the webinar.

1. What is the single biggest struggle, challenge, or problem in your life that also causes you the greatest emotional stress?
2. What are the top 1-3 most stressful emotions associated with that challenge or problem?
3. Describe each one of those stressful emotions in detail.
4. What strategies are you currently using to minimize, control, or avoid those emotions?
5. What are the polar opposites of those stressful emotions or feelings? For now, call these positive feelings or emotions.
6. In a few sentences, what would your day-to-day life be like if you more regularly experienced those ‘positive’ emotions?

How to Create Emotional Recipes for How You Want to Feel — A Personal Evolution Process Webinar

If you’re tired of losing your cool or feeling negative, even harmful emotions, sign up for this live and interactive webinar. I will teach you effective strategies to manage and control the emotional states you don’t want so that you can feel empowered and in control more often.

Webinar registration has closed, but you can click here to get your copy of the replay and download the P.E.P. worksheet.

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Click here to read the post or watch the video version of today's episode.

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Living with pride means living fully and freely out (of the closet) with acceptance and peace of mind.

Living with pride is about how you use your difference — your uniqueness — to make a positive difference in your world and in the lives of others.

We don’t have to be divisive to make a difference.

Seeking only to make a difference, without consideration for the consequences, may not create a more harmonious society and humanity. We must first seek connection to make a collective difference — even if that connection is at first only with others like ourselves. Freedom in numbers allows others to see us for who we are.

For the complete post and links to articles mentioned, read the post on DarrenStehle.com: What is Pride, and Why Should We Celebrate 2SLGBTQ+?

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Read the complete show notes here: 

"We Have a Past, But Not a History." The Various Dimensions of LGBTQ History, Leadership, and Community."

P.S.

What happens when we do things together? I'm excited to announce a new program, the "Queer Creators’ Guided Mastermind Group." The mastermind offers support and guidance to four queer-identified creators to make more efficient progress than you would by working alone. 

You will bring your challenges and questions to the group to generate strategies and solutions. You will accelerate your progress and production by interacting with the other members who are each pursuing their unique, creative projects. Click here to find out if the program is a fit for your needs.

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I discuss the concepts of mutually arising dualities and the idea of 'not forcing' as expressed in the Tao Te Ching. I explain the usefulness of water as a metaphor in the Tao to express 'being in the flow' (which is how you avoid resistance). Then, I pull everything together under 'self-mastery, which is the congruence of personal responsibility, human-heartedness, and the various paths that lead to destinations yet ultimately always come back to ourselves.

Learn more about the many ways we can work together here: DarrenStehle.com/coaching

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That passion sparks a flame that burns bright within me, but what’s the opposite? The darkness of course, but in the context of doing inspired work, the opposite is boredom, frustration, and procrastination — the death of joy, creativity, and productivity.

Are you excited and certain or bored and frustrated?

Boredom results in procrastination, which is doing something meaningless to avoid taking action and facing your fears about why you are bored in the first place. This ultimately leads to frustration, the state of feeling upset and annoyed at your inability to change or accomplish something. 

To get clarity about your purpose you need to dig deep. You need to get clear about the other areas of your life that support a meaningful and fulfilling purpose. This includes things like your core emotional states, values, living environments, and your beliefs. 

Download the Personal Evolution Process to determine what’s most important in your life:

⇨ What Do You Stand For and How Does that Affect Your Most Important Life Choices

Wednesday Coaching Office Hours

If you’re feeling stuck, frustrated, unsure of your direction, or dealing with a challenging situation, I can help you get clarity and direction about one specific challenge. You will create personalized strategies that will help you solve the problem, or get unstuck and back on track. Click here to book a Coaching Office Hour with me.

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If we change the definition of violence so that the simple use of words could be used to ruin the life of another person, we create a slippery slope with no end towards a permanently polarized world built entirely upon an "us vs. them" mortal dichotomy.

We need to maintain a clear distinction between violence and its meaning as a physical manifestation of accumulated aggression, hate, or rage as opposed to the verbal abusive or hateful use of language to demean, insult, or slander.

The former causes physical suffering or even mortal wounding as the result of a physical attack. The latter — language — can be ignored, walked away from, or internalized.

Get clarity in an area of your life where you’re feeling challenged with one of my free, Personal Evolution Processes. Download one or get them all here:

https://darrenstehle.com/personal-evolution-process-downloads

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When you live in alignment with what’s most important to you — like your values and beliefs — you will tap into the wisdom of what you already know about your own life. This will make living your purpose natural, compelling, and exciting.

Do you know what your purpose is?

If you don’t know, or if you don’t feel excited and motivated by your purpose, I can help. 

My purpose as a coach is to help human-hearted creatives cultivate their purpose and potential to experience more freedom, peace of mind, and acceptance. If you want to wake up every morning, excited to be working on what most excites you and fulfilling your purpose, let’s have a conversation.

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1. If you don’t accomplish a goal, does that make you unsuccessful and a failure? If your actions are too stressful, it’s human nature to fight, flee, or freeze. The solution is to do less to reduce or eliminate stress.
2. Failure and success are not dualistic. This is why people get stressed out about failing.
3. Success as a measurement is a process of acting towards an intended outcome, but failure is a moment.
4. Failure is not a process. Failure is the “nonperformance of something due.” No value judgement is required.
5. Success is a process that requires mistakes and well as missed-takes on the way to solving a problem or accomplishing a goal.
6. Success and failure are not in opposition to each other. If you don’t succeed at a goal, that doesn’t make you a failure. If you recognize that truth, you will be more successful in life.

Click here for the complete show notes.

⇩ Download my Personal Evolution Process, How to Define, Refine, and Re-Align Your Failures as Successes

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We all want to be connected with others, to be cared for, and to be accepted for who we are. To different degrees, that’s what we call love.

Your beliefs about relationships affect your experience of love, compassion, and self-acceptance.

Until you clearly define your beliefs about what is true about things like dating, sex, and relationships, you won’t know if your choices and behaviours are based on scripts written and directed by someone else. You might be living the belief and values narratives of your parents, religion, or a political ideology.

Read the full article here: "As a Gay Man, What Do You Believe About Sex, Love, and Relationships?"

⇩ Download the “How to Define Your Core Beliefs About Sex, Love, and Relationships” P.E.P. Worksheet.

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Having rediscovered his passion for the game in his late thirties, Lachlan came out at his new club and has since enjoyed his time there. However, something was missing. In 2020, at the height of the pandemic, Lachlan had the idea to set up a new LGBTQ+ cricket club in Birmingham, England. It would be only the second such club in the world.

Lachlan reached out to me for coaching in early January. He needed my help to help think through how the leadership and ethos of the club might look, issues of equity and inclusion, and what he needed to do to make it all happen.

Read the post on Medium, "A New Beginning: Birmingham Unicorns LGBTQ+ Cricket Club."

Learn more about the Birmingham Unicorns on their website and follow them on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Read Lachlan’s writing on Medium and follow him on Twitter.

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The article felt like something approaching a philosophy — or at least an approach to living with personal and moral character integral to supporting a harmonious, civic society and humanity. In the article, I finally went to great length to explain the six principles of Human Heartedness, which when practiced together become transcendent values — essentially what we would call virtue in the sense of doing good for the greater good.

Circumstances led me to pull the article from submitting, and takes some steps back to contemplate what I wanted to accomplish. This turned out to be an important and defining moment for me. I realized that I’ve been struggling with how to keep two things separate: my coaching content and this evolving universal moral philosophy based in the Tao Te Ching, that I’m calling Human-Heartedness.

These two things, however, have been overlapping in my life and in my work with my clients. What I once thought I needed to keep separate in fact work better together. And together, as the paths of coaching practices and methods intersected with Human-Heartedness, I need I had something more impactful that can really make a difference for humanity.

In a nutshell, I have taken inspiration from the Tao Te Ching about virtue and naturalism to create an evolving universal moral philosophy — something that is not rigid, nor a template. Human-heartedness is a state of personal character and self-mastery that can and will empower people to create a harmonious, loving, accepting, and more civilized world.

Where You Stand: A Human-Hearted Approach to Creating a Harmonious Society.

Coming early Summer, 2021. Click here to sign-up for details and early access.

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Being curious isn't going to solve all your problems. However, being curious is great for your state of mind and for the humility and self-awareness that comes into play - especially when you are truly open-minded and genuinely curious to learn and improve your skillfulness.

Instead of making excuses, seek to be curious instead.

Sharpening the saw is how you refine your skills to become more effective and efficient at cutting that block of wood. Not knowing something — your ignorance — may allow you to ask the kinds of questions no one else has ever considered. 

What is your single biggest struggle?

If you’re a deep-thinker, a creative, or if you’re struggling with how to make a difference, especially during these COVID-19 times, this session will engage your curiosity. I’m offering free exploration sessions to help you get clarity, focus, and direction that you can immediately use to enjoy more freedom, peace of mind, and impact.

☞ Click here to request an Exploration Session with Darren.

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Jon Carl Lewis has studied theology, scripture, discernment, and ethics at Princeton Theological Seminary, Harvard Divinity School and General Theological Seminary. He is currently in training to be a spiritual director, which immerses him in contemplative practices designed to integrate an awareness of the Divine presence into every aspect of one’s personhood and relationships.

Throughout his studies, he has been distracted by questions he didn’t think he could ask — questions that seemed to be at the periphery of the concerns of the academy and the religious establishment. There were places where he could explore identity and questions of belonging as a gay man, as a Black man, and as a Christian embracing those two identities, but he didn’t find a place where he could answer his questions about actual sex, sexual ethics, sexual practice, and sexual relating.

In this interview, we discuss,

• Who Jon Carl is and what he believes in;
• What has happened in his life that has created a curiosity to discover how his sexual attitudes and practices could better integrate with his spiritual life and practices;
• What led him to create “Sex and the Gay Christian,” a healthy, sex-positive, Christ-centred community, and;
• The book he is currently writing.

We also talk about coaching, specifically,

• How he was feeling before he reached out to me;
• What made him decide to connect with me;
• What happened at the end of our first session;
• How he is feeling now and what he is doing differently since we started working together three months ago, and;
• The value of coaching in his life.

You can learn more about Jon Carl and Sex and the Gay Christian by going to his Website or following him on Twitter and Instagram.

Darren Stehle is a coach, writer, and host of the Think Queerly Podcast. He helps deep thinkers & creatives cultivate their purpose & uniqueness to enjoy more peace of mind, acceptance, and freedom. Subscribe to Darren’s Newsletter to be notified of new articles, podcast episodes, and some of his best work and ebooks along the way.

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He was telling me about using affirmations and trying to think positive. We had a discussion about how those words and actions are mostly meaningless because they don't connect with truth.

The truth is, we can improve who we are and how we feel about ourselves by accepting our current reality  —  our current truth  — and building upon that truth. Accepting where you are doesn't mean you have to settle there. It only means you recognize the truth of where you are.

Read the article here: "What Are Your Statements of Self-Truth?"

Darren is a Writer, a Human-Heartedness Coach, and Host of the Think Queerly Podcast. He helps deep thinkers & creatives cultivate their purpose & potential to enjoy more acceptance, peace of mind, and freedom. Subscribe to his newsletter to be notified of new articles, podcast episodes, and some of his best work and ebooks along the way.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, I discuss:

• Why success isn't an end-destination.
• The negative effects of shame on success (which lead to "feeling" like a failure).
• If you don't accomplish a goal, does that make you unsuccessful and a failure?
• Why if your actions are more stressful than you can handle that it's human nature to fight, flee, or freeze.
• The most effective and seemingly too-simple strategy to deal with overwhelm.

Read the article on Curious: "Success Is Not the Opposite of Failure - How this Dichotomy Reinforces Self-Doubt and Shame."

Download the Personal Evolution Process Worksheet:

⇩ How to Define, Refine, and Re-Align Your Failures as Successes

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Desired Outcome of this Personal Evolution Process:

1. DEFINE: To help you understand why you believe you failed at a past goal or dream;
2. REFINE: How to reframe your understanding of that failure, and lastly;
3. ALIGN: To create a new and improved strategy to complete the refined goal, or to no longer see yourself as a failure.

Download the Personal Evolution Process Worksheet:

⇩ How to Define, Refine, and Re-Align Your Failures as Successes

Want more clarity and direction in your life?

In my work, I help queer thinkers and creatives cultivate their purpose and potential by sharing practices from transformational coaching to help with your self-mastery. If you’d like to enjoy more freedom, acceptance, and peace of mind this year, find out more about how we can work together at DarrenStehle.com.

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• The meanings of failure that have nothing to do with personal accomplishment.
• I ask if failure is really a lack of success?
• How failure is a misunderstood and misapplied word
• I wonder what would happen if we replaced the word failure with something else?
• Why any task or action that doesn't work out as planned could be called a 'missed-take.'
• The difference between failure and choosing not to act.
• And how a Personal failure is a form of overwhelm in the form of fear or threat, not a lack of competence.

📖 Read the article here: Failure! Your Understanding of the Meaning of Failure Is the Reason for Your Failed Goals and Dreams

⇩ Download the Personal Evolution Process: How to Define, Refine, and (Re-)Align Your Failures as Successes.

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If your initial desire was to make money, not having an audience is a problem. 

But what if you are compelled from something deep within who you are? 

What if you can’t help yourself but to dive deep into a subject that gives you life?

Many creatives have struggled with those questions, but what do you do? What are your options?

Read the post, Are You Waiting For Something to Happen?

Subscribe to my Human-Heartedness Newsletter to be notified of my new articles & episodes every Saturday, and I’ll also send you some of my best work, ebooks, and more.

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We hold ourselves back from living fully, playfully, authentically, unabashedly, and freely. We waste our lives planning for a moment when our consciousness will cease to exist. Is that not ironic, if not a paradox?

Why then are we afraid of living?

"The Fear Of Death Is Illogical — What We Are Actually Afraid Of Is Living"

Darren Stehle is a coach, writer, and host of the Think Queerly Podcast. He helps deep thinkers & creatives cultivate their purpose & uniqueness to enjoy more peace of mind, acceptance, and freedom. Subscribe to my Human-Heartedness Newsletter to be notified of my new articles & episodes every Saturday, and I’ll also send you some of my best work, ebooks, and more.

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“Being and non-being produce each other;
Difficult and easy compliment each other;
Long and short contrast each other;
High and low distinguish each other;
Sound and voice harmonize each other;
Front and behind accompany each other."

Chan’s comments about the second verse are my starting point:

“…everything has its opposite and […] these opposites are the mutual causations of each other… Opposites are […] presented not as irreconcilable conflicts but as compliments.”

Next, I consider the relationship between our ideas and nature. 

To navigate in this world, we created distinctions, labels, and categories to describe what we see and perceive. And to get along with others in ever larger groups of people — from family units to nation-states — we developed mythologies to support doctrines for how things are, or how they ought to be.

When we deconstruct our perception of reality, we realize that everything we label is a duality. 

How we determine what is morally right or wrong, normal or abnormal, is again an idea, a doctrine that simply leans more to one side of the duality than the other. And we have seen through history how this “moral leaning” can relatively quickly shift from one side to the other.

The solution, I believe, is to see clearly through the illusions of socially constructed moralities that deem some humans less than others, or even morally wrong. 

We need to accept the natural diversity of who we are as sapiens — without dogma or doctrine — in relation to the natural, ecological diversity that generates human beings.

-----

Darren is a coach, writer, and host of the Think Queerly Podcast. He helps deep thinkers & creatives cultivate their purpose & uniqueness to enjoy more peace of mind, acceptance, and freedom. Subscribe to my Human-Heartedness Newsletter to be notified of my new articles & episodes every Saturday. I'll also send you some of my best work, ebooks, and more.

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In this episode, I dive into the much bigger picture: Where do you as an individual ground yourself in the larger, moral landscape to commune with the rest of humanity in a balanced way?

Read the complete post here: Does Your Moral Character Commune Understanding and Respect for Human Dignity?

Darren Stehle is a coach, writer, and host of the Think Queerly Podcast. He helps deep thinkers & creatives cultivate their purpose & uniqueness to enjoy more peace of mind, acceptance, and freedom. Subscribe to my Human-Heartedness Newsletter to be notified of my new articles & episodes every Saturday, and I’ll also send you some of my best work, ebooks, and more.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1. Your natural and desired character traits;
2. Your core values, which essentially the character traits that you judge to be the most important in your life, and;
3. The beliefs that protect you from the outside world by allowing you to see what’s happening in the environment to create prediction and response.

You can see how these elements work together, but what’s missing from the equation is direction — your personalized map to chart a direction in life. Without a meaningful, actionable purpose, you might be a fine and upstanding person, but you’re left standing at the intersection of life unsure of where to go next.

This is the foundation of integrity: having a meaningful, actionable purpose.

☞ Click here to watch the video about my forthcoming, Where You Stand Project.

You can read the complete article here: “Is What You Stand For In Life Making a Meaningful Difference in the World?”

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I argue for an end to dehumanization, for a more critical reflection of rigidly held religious beliefs, and I express dismay at the fear and hatred of LGBTQ2S+ people and the neglect of the arts and technology we queer people have created and contributed to the betterment of society.

The only way forward in creating a universal human dignity is to hold loving, open-minded, compassionate, and non-contentious dialogue with those who are willing to participate in these potentially challenging conversations, which have the potential to transform social norms and morality as we know them.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• The Normal Heart
• Larry Kramer In Love and Anger
• Tao Te Ching. Stephen Mitchell or Gia-Fu Feng & Jane English translation.
• Brené on Words, Actions, Dehumanization, and Accountability
• Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari
• Stride Toward Freedom: The Montgomery Story by Martin Luther Dr. King Jr. (Chapter VI: Pilgrimage to Nonviolence).

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I’m honoured to bring you this interview, one I have been waiting to record since late July 2020. In reading "Out North" to prepare for the podcast, I realized how much I have been both a witness to and a participant in much of the history depicted and disused in the book. I have personal connections with many of the individuals represented in the book, as well as lived experience, which contributes to this deeply thoughtful and generative discussion with all involved. 

For complete show notes, images from the book, guest bios, and where to purchase your copy of "Out North," see the post:

"Interview with the Authors of “Out North: An Archive of Queer Activism and Kinship in Canada”

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Metaphorically, transformation is like the potential that exists inside an apple seed. Without water and soil for it to take root, the apple seed remains unremarkable. Yet, with the nourishment of water, nutrients from the soil, and the right conditions the seed will transform from an almost unnoticeable speck into a tree that provides hundreds of delicious apples, year after year.

The same is true of a new idea — be that a philosophy, a new approach, revolutionary software, or a scientific breakthrough. Greatness is a kind of transformational breakthrough that has nothing to do with ego. Instead, greatness is the challenge to confront that which you don’t know how to solve, yet you face the problem head on, not knowing if you will succeed, but you keep trying anyway. 

Read the article, "On Staying Insecure and Embracing Imposter Syndrome."

=> Interested in a Clarity & Focus Session with Darren? Click here to request a session.

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We find it easy to do the things we have repeatedly done, so long as the original conditions that supported that habit or action are still relevant or present. So, what does that mean?

If you’re no longer doing something that used to be easy, something you’ve done almost unconsciously for years, ask yourself, “What’s changed?”

To answer this question, look to the last time when you easily, effortlessly, and repeatedly performed and completed your habit without fail. Consider the following:

• What are the conditions that made doing that task or habit easy?
• What was the environment like, e.g., your home, workplace, inside, outside, time of day, colours, sounds, etc.?
• What was your inner environment like, e.g., self-acceptance, emotional state, stress level, contentment, etc.?
• What did your daily routine look like, e.g., work calendar, family time, time with friends, rest and recovery, etc.?

Look at the conditions of this moment, the moment in which you are not doing the thing you want to be doing.

How have the conditions changed? What conditions are no longer being met? 

Read the complete article: "What To Do When You Can’t Figure Out Why You’re Not Doing What You Want (P.E.P.)"

Download the Free Personal Evolution Process Worksheet.

=> Interested in a Clarity & Focus Session with Darren? Click here for details and to request a session.

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Later in the day, I wrote in my journal, “What’s missing from my 2020 review?”

That got me thinking about how to plan for 2021 now that I’ve completed a review of the previous year. Moving from 2020 to 2021, or any new year is a social construction. We are quite simply ending one day and waking up in the next one. The personal development industry gets its audience so worked up with expectations about what they need to plan to accomplish that the herd runs headlong like bison toward the edge of the cliff.

There is no going back to what was once normal. Why not consider why there's so much confusion around setting goals as well?

Read the article here: "If You’re Missing This One Thing, You’ll Fail at Your Goals — Just Like Last Year."

If you’re curious about how to cultivate your purpose and create meaningful goals in a way that will help you experience more freedom, impact, and joy in 2021, find out more about how we can work together at DarrenStehle.com.

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I am pleased to share this intimate discussion with my cousin, Kelly Walker. If ever there were a person to speak with about the fragile but necessarily formative transitions that happen in our lives, that require both trust and love of the self and others, it is Kelly.

Kelly and I share a purpose in life; helping liberate people and transforming institutions. In our discussion, Kelly shares the wisdom of living life as a celebration. At 79, he is living as a happy elder who accepts himself as (his words) both ‘old’ and ‘older.’ We look back at his rich life and experiences, including,

• Facing the possibility of death and surviving cancer, twice;
• His 20 years spent in a Dominican monastery and acting as Prior across Canada;
• Experiencing severe burnout to the extent his doctors told him he would have to leave the priesthood if he wanted to live;
• How we came to know we are related and our intergenerational friendship of almost 45 years;
• Getting straight-married after leaving the Dominicans, coming out, and then getting gay-married;
• His life-long sense of delight in life, living, and celebration;
• Being 79, sexually interesting, interested, and always exploring new ways to play at life, and;
• The three conversions we need to make as humans if we are to survive and thrive as a species.

“I’ve got more depth to me because I almost died, again.”

Read Kelly’s full bio in the expanded show notes here.

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You might want to book 1-2 hours in your calendar to work your way through this process. You may also find that you need to add to it over the next few days as you remember important milestones and insights.

2020 Year-End-Review Personal Evolution Process

1. Define your new beginnings: Define the new projects, books, habits, job/career, friendship or relationships you took on that had a meaningful impact (positive or negative) on your life.
2. Define your 2020 milestones: What really stands out in this past year as a significant event, be that an important goal, something you accomplished that took a lot of time and effort? Why does this matter to you? How did each milestone change you?
3. Define your key insights in 2020: Think of insight as shining light on an awareness you’ve never had before and how that changed your perceptions. Define what you learned this past year that made a significant impact on your life.
4. Refinements — What did you stop doing in 2020? This was the work, projects, habits, friendships, relationships that you quit. Why did you stop and what were the lessons learned from making these refinements?
5. Establish emotional alignment with your end-of-year review: Answer this question only after you have completed the questions above. Review your answers and then ask yourself how you feel about what you have written about your year What did you learn about yourself?

Download the P.E.P. worksheet for this process: " What Was Truly Transformative in Your Life in 2020?"

Read the complete article here: "Your 2020 Year-In-Review Personal Evolution Process (P.E.P.)"

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We may expect them to accept and care for us in a way that will satisfy our needs, but that is not something we can control. We may get emotional, angry, or frustrated when people don't do what we expect them to do. 

In the second bonus part of this episode, "Personal Evolution Practice (PEP): Love and Respect," you'll discover how to create clear definitions about what the feelings of love and respect mean to you. 

Article & video link: "You Can’t Expect Others to Make You Feel the Way You Want to Feel."

Subscribe to Think EXTRA Queerly

If you're reading this, you're not currently on my premium feed and will only have access to the first part of this episode. As a Think EXTRA Queerly subscriber, you can download today’s Personal Evolution Process worksheet, watch the video training, attend a live Zoom coaching session, and listen to the AMA (ask me anything) bonus episode.

Click here to subscribe: https://thinkqueerly.supercast.com.

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What conditions can be met that will allow you to “revel” in those Christmassy holiday feelings that are based on historical significance?

Find out in this very special "holiday episode" of Think Queerly. 

Read the article on my website: "How to Have a Happy & Healthy Pandemic Holiday."

[Jingle Bells theme by Scott Holmes Music]

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Read the article to follow along: "What’s Out of Your Control, Right Now?"

And download the free, Personal Evolution Practice PDF Worksheet.

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We all have too much to do, too many tasks, expectations, and distractions. If you want to live the life of your dreams, why not spend a little time figuring out what’s distracting you. What’s at least one thing you can let go of so that you can spend more time doing what you love or more time working on what you want to create — sooner than later!

In this Personal Evolution Practice (PEP), I will show you how to determine:

1. What’s most important to you (e.g. a project, goal, or creative endeavour);
2. Identify the work and personal projects you’re currently invested in;
3. The 4 questions to ask of each project to determine its value and importance in your life, and;
4. How to create a working boundary to protect what’s most important in your life.

Read the article, where you can also watch the video: 4 Questions to Help You Let Go Of What's Holding You Back.

And download the free PDF worksheet here: https://pages.darrenstehle.com/4-questions

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If you continue to hold on to the past, clinging to a past narrative, however painful — one that you play over and over, embellishing, re-living, and re-creating — you are choosing to stay back, one foot firmly rooted in a past event you cannot change.

Read the article for today's Personal Evolution Practice:

"Self-Forgiveness is the Bridge over the Chasm of Resentment."

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The intention of my coaching philosophy is to help you create more of what you want to experience out of life through the self-mastery of your mind and emotions.

The coaching practices and thought-exercises that I teach are an intersection of self-examination, the neuroscience of transformational coaching — as well as my study and contemplation of the Tao Te Ching which supports the foundation for my evolving Human-Heartedness Leadership Philosophy.

“When you freely love who you are, you can freely create the life you want.”

Those words are my personal mission statement. What I do, I have been doing all my life: Learning how to fully love and accept myself by coming out of gay shame and letting go of rigidly held defences and expectations.

When we — individually and collectively — love and accept ourselves for who we are, we increase mutual understanding and respect for the dignity of others, thus creating joy and wonder in the diversity of humanity. It is from this place of human-heartedness that you can be the meaningful and purposeful change you want to see in the world.

Let’s Connect

What insight did you take from today’s episode and how will you act on it? How will you cultivate more acceptance, connection, and joy in humanity? Connect with me in the comments or send me a direct message: https://darrenstehle.com/contact/

Here's the link to the episode I mentioned: “Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift?”

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For example, when I say that I’m a calm person that is true, but also, sometimes I’m not. For my well-being and for how I create myself every day, I realize that if I’m not calm that only means that I am not paying attention. Perhaps I have fallen off track, become distracted, or I’m not doing something that is an active and necessary element of my manifesto — perhaps I haven’t been taking care of my health — that has resulted in me not feeling calm.

We are what we are conscious of.

Listen to today’s episode to hear me share my personal manifesto and how I use it to create freedom, prediction, and direction in my life. 

After you've listened to this episode, connect with me. Let me know what was most meaningful to you and how you'll act on it. https://darrenstehle.com/contact/

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What you are certain you know may be a mistake; a fault of logic.

Even what you think you know may be challenged with new information, a clearer perspective, a better understanding.

Knowing that you are right is arrogance.

Thinking that you know what you know with absolute certainty is based on the egotistical fear of being wrong, not smart enough, or unwilling to challenge your thinking.

When you know that you do not know, and when you know that you are ignorant, you accept with humility the clarity that comes from detachment.

Holding on to an idea or a way of thinking because it's what you have always done does not make it right or valid.

Being attached to an idea because it is something you were taught to believe displays blindness for having never asked why you hold that belief to be true.

When you recognize that knowledge is based on asking questions and fluid viewpoints, you allow for the self-awareness of ignorance — therefore, you do not assume you are correct.

If you are the cause of a problem or at fault for your way of thinking — when you know that you do not know — you have the integrity to self-correct and rectify the situation.

Thus, knowledge is not power. 

“Not-knowing is true knowledge.”

Knowing that you do not know is power and freedom.

How did today's episode challenge your thinking?

Leave me a comment on the article here:

"Know That You Do Not Know."

Or send me a message on my website: https://darrenstehle.com/contact.

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Expecting something to happen or someone to do something is out of alignment and discordant with the natural order. To say this differently, just because you wish it were so, doesn't mean you have magical powers to manifest your expectation.

Listen to today's episode to get the antidote to expectations.

You can read the full article on the Ascent here:

"How Expectations Limit Creativity and Personal Liberation."

Did this episode inspire you in some way? 

I'd love to know what you thought or how you felt. Send me a message: https://darrenstehle.com/contact.

Get weekly updates from me to cultivate more acceptance, connection, and joy in your life

https://darrenstehle.com/newsletter

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“I don’t agree with the premise of this article that gay men have to learn to forgive themselves. The act of self-forgiveness is often promoted as a panacea for life’s ills, in this case, self-shaming as a gay man. Self-forgiveness suggests that some wrong has been perpetrated (by me).”

His message was well-intentioned, and I suggested that there is a subtlety in the understanding of what I meant with respect to “forgiveness”.

Read the show notes here:

Do Gay Men Need to Forgive Themselves for Gay Shame?

Did this episode inspire you in some way? 

I'd love to know what you thought or how you felt. Send me a message here: https://darrenstehle.com/contact.

Get weekly updates from me to cultivate more acceptance, connection, and joy in your life: https://darrenstehle.com/newsletter

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📖 Read the post here: "There Is a Profound Difference Between Human Rights and Religious Beliefs."

Did this episode inspire you in some way? 

I'd love to know what you thought or how you felt. What did you practice and what was the result? Send me a message at https://darrenstehle.com/contact

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📖 Read the post here: "Risk Being Who You Already Are."

Did this episode inspire you in some way? 

I'd love to know what you thought or how you felt. What did you practice and what was the result? Send me a message at https://darrenstehle.com/contact

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I cannot make you angry. A politician cannot make you angry. A friend, partner, or your dog cannot make you happy.

Only you can choose your feelings based on your behaviours and beliefs.

It’s worth repeating...

Your feelings are your own, and they are based on your unconscious patterns and beliefs.

Seeing the truth of this requires self-compassion and mindfulness.

Self-compassion allows you to feel kindness towards yourself to gently consider why you are feeling the way you are, in response or reaction to a situation in life.

Mindfulness is the practice of witnessing what is happening in the moment of your feelings and to question your patterns of behaviour before choosing how to respond.

When you clearly see and accept the truth and fragility of one’s ego for its identification with external things, like possessions, you will see this only serves to create separation from others.

The ego expresses me, my, and mine; my rightness versus your wrongness.

Compassion, on the other hand, expresses acceptance, connection, and care.

Today’s Invitation

Ask yourself, “What was most helpful from today’s episode and how can I apply it in my life?” Perhaps journal about it right now, or make a note to come back to it later.

I’d love to hear how this went for you. Drop me a line at https://darrenstehle.com/contact

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There is a reason why the bible refers to followers as sheep and the spiritual leader as a “herder.” Even the language of religion communicates corralling and controlling.

If we look deeply within ourselves to study the nature of consciousness, we discover that we are all connected.

We all come from the same place: this planet, earth. We are of nature like every other creature, plant, and organism.

When we realize that we are all connected, there is no need for spirit, the illusion that props up the construct of religion.

When you look out into nature, what creatures lay prostate observing religious practices?

Going into the darkness of your consciousness to bring forth the inner light of your humanity is what will truly save you.

You can awaken within the limitless nature of your consciousness — you don’t need to follow a limited and dogmatic construct in the form of religion and ideology.

Remember that even with your eyes closed, you can still see something within your visual field. In other words, you are not blind to your conscious awareness.

See things as they truly are, not for an illusion created by others to control your perceptions.

Read the post here:

"We Don’t Need Gods or Religions to be Spiritual"

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The mutually arising duality in this context of this episode is humility and egocentricity. Human behaviours like egocentricity and self-importance, when taken to the extreme, have created every inequality imaginable.

The Duality of Leadership and Politics.

Some politicians are exceptional leaders. Others put themselves into the position of politics for self-aggrandizement, personal gain, power and control. Trump has assumed the later and is an example of someone who is a significant danger to an equanimous and peaceful humanity.

Read the article on the Ascent on Medium:

Radical Humility: An Antidote to Donald Trump's Arrogance and Self-Importance.

P.S. After you've listened to this episode let me know what was most impactful and how you'll apply it in your life: https://darrenstehle.com/contact/

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• How do you look beyond what you believe to be true, fixed, or finite?
• Sometimes what we see is not what we see.
• We most often understand polarities from extreme ends. I propose we shift our focus and look to the middle ground.
• Recall what I talked about in Thinking Queerly, Week 1, “Divisiveness Is an Illusion on Either Side of Balance,” what is the single point of origin, the middle-ground, the gap in-between both sides of the argument, polarity, or binary.
• Within gender identities, the middle-ground is humanity.
• In something more complex like a debate or an argument, there is no way that both sides could have a logical argument in which side understood each other if they weren’t in fact coming from the same middle ground!
• Just because you think you know how things are, how do you know for certain? What are you seeing which is proof of what you are seeing that is factual and provable in reality?

Read the article here:

"When You Change the Way You Look at Things, the Things You Look at Change"

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The 1st Principle: Non-Contention

The simple act of compassionate, open-hearted listening reduces the threat response for another person talking. As a result, the energy of the person speaking is mirrored back to us in ways we are not conscious of but that we sense and interpret as providing safety. 

This feeling of safety (the lack of threat) diffuses the potential for opposition and argument and offers the opportunity to foster and cultivate new relationships

Read the article on Medium:

https://medium.com/the-ascent/what-happens-when-you-dont-participate-in-arguments-or-controversy-c443b1e33743

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After each “passage” I intend to resurface from metaphor and paradox with a clear explanation of what it is I wish to share, with an invitation to practice what I trust will be insightful.  

Read the article, "Divisiveness Is an Illusion on Either Side of Balance"

My purpose is to teach open-hearted personal leadership to cultivate a more loving humanity. Subscribe to my weekly, Queer Thoughts Newsletter and I will send you copies of my free books designed to help you improve your life and well-being.

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Through repeated advertising of images that the beauty industry tells you are beautiful, we begin to believe it unquestionably. The models representing brands or thirst-traps on Instagram are promoted as ideals and objective representations of what the perfect body or perfect face should look like.

The more we see these images, the easier it is for the concept of what is beautiful to falsely appear as objective truth.

Read the article on Medium, "Beauty Is Judgement In the Eye of the Beholder." 

Here are 3 ways I can help you increase your personal leadership and enjoy more freedom:

1. So you want access to new and exclusive content about human-hearted leadership and personal transformation for queer-thinking people… Subscribe to my VIQ premium podcast feed. It's like having a mindset coach in your ear for a year but for less than the price of a private coaching session!
2. So you want more clarity and insight… Find out what’s holding you back from getting what you want and what to do about it with this 90-minute Clarity Session.
3. So you want transformative, private coaching… 4 months of Deep Coaching with me, can get very intense but the payoff for you is more personal freedom, clarity and direction, accomplishing your goals, making a difference and living a more joyful life. Click here if you’re committed to freely creating the life you want.

— Darren Stehle

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There is no such thing as self-sabotage.

The way we have used language to come up with such a term is a shameful way to critique and judge yourself! But if self-sabotage isn’t a real thing, then why did we come up with the term? What’s the reason for not doing what you know you need to do to get what you want in life?

Comfort, Prediction, and Response.

First, we need to address the shame associated with the idea of self-sabotage. To get over this shameful error perpetuated by personal development and to finally toss the concept in the waste-bin, we need to understand the difference between shame and guilt.

Read the article on The Ascent on Medium, "Self-Sabotage is the Shame-Filled Mistake of Personal Development."

Here are 3 ways I can help you increase your personal leadership and enjoy more freedom:

1. So you want access to new and exclusive content about human-hearted leadership and personal transformation for queer-thinking people… Subscribe to my VIQ premium podcast feed. It's like having a mindset coach in your ear for a year but for less than the price of a private coaching session!
2. So you want more clarity and insight… Find out what’s holding you back from getting what you want and what to do about it with this 90-minute Clarity Session.
3. So you want transformative, private coaching… 4 months of Deep Coaching with me, can get very intense but the payoff for you is more personal freedom, clarity and direction, accomplishing your goals, making a difference and living a more joyful life. Click here if you’re committed to freely creating the life you want.

— Darren Stehle

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Read the post, The Way of No Contention: One of the 6 Principles of Human-Hearted Leadership.

GET VIQ!

When you support the podcast, you'll get my new series, “Thinking Queerly: 52-Weeks of Queer Contemplation,” early releases, Coach’s Commentary, AMAs, free downloads. and so much more. 

=> Click here for details and to subscribe.

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Read the article on Medium

https://medium.com/the-ascent/what-is-human-hearted-leadership-and-why-does-it-matter-9a66c0c5df51

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Notice I didn’t say, “How can we describe gender?” The difference between ‘what’ and ‘how’ is subtle but an important thought exercise in the understanding of gender as an idea or a concept, and less as a label or a container, in which we might try to drop people into.

The later is what most of society has tried to do for millennia, establishing a codex, written or unwritten, of what is ‘male’ or ‘female’. With this invitation, I am asking you to consider what ways you can use to describe gender.

Read the article here: How Can We Understand Gender Within the Fluidity of Human Nature?

GET PREMIUM!

I hope you enjoyed this VIQ Membership episode. When you support the podcast, you'll get my new series, “Thinking Queerly: 52-Weeks of Queer Contemplation,” Coach’s Commentary, AMAs, free downloads and so much more. Click here for details and to subscribe.

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Looking back, this incident may have been the root-cause of what made me intent on making a difference in the world, especially for other queer people.

Read the article on DarrenStehle.com: How the Murder of a 12-Year Old Boy Shaped My Queerness.

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I knew what the problem was. I just hadn't figured out how to address it.

That worrying caused me to think deeply all day. On Sunday, I felt better after a solid rest and realized my previous day of deep contemplation lead to absolute clarity about what I needed to do.

The short version is that I have decided it is time to close my publication on Medium, Th-Ink Queerly. Over two and a half years ago I had an idea to launch a personal development blog on Medium, which I called Th-Ink. Within a few months that morphed into Th-Ink Queerly as I began to talk about more LGBTQ issues and then opened up the publication to other writers on Medium.

Read the full post here: To Kill Your Darlings — Move Forward By Letting Go.

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That is a deafening alarm that makes many of us want to pull back and become silent, not to pull out of the discussion, but to bear witness to what is going on to come up with a more meaningful, thoughtful, and hopefully compassionate message which people may choose to pay attention to.

In this episode I discuss the challenges with micro-aggressions and how they can be misunderstood, how ideas are taken out of context to make an argument, the difference between intention and impact and why intention gets a bad rap, what makes for a good dialogue, and how active silence is the space between reaction and response.

Read the complete and in-depth article on Medium:

From Silence to the Deafening Disturbance of Difference.

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Two years ago on June 20, 2018, I launched my first podcast. It was called, The Living OUT Podcast, a tongue-in-cheek reference to coming out and being proud to be authentically out.  My focus in early episodes was the gay male experience, the uniqueness and creativity that gay men bring to the world, as well as my go-to core subject, personal development..

Concurrently, I was running my publication on Medium, Th-Ink Queerly, that had grown exponentially and was about to endure a period of difficulty, due to some personal interactions. What transpired continues to be a perfect learning experience and has shown me how awful infighting can be within any marginalized group or community.

Renaming the podcast to Think Queerly.

The podcast still fulfills its original mission to challenge the status quo. My use of the word queer broadens the scope, since queer is not the sole domain of sexuality or gender, it is also a way of being and looking at the world.

Almost a year ago, I asked, "Is there such a thing as a queer leadership?" That led me to my current research on contemplating various translations of the Tao Te Ching and considering how to share that ancient wisdom through queer eyes.

Think of 'queer' as that which is flexible and yielding to influence, like water flowing over, through, and around. We can see this as the yin and yang of society — the status quo and the queer. We need both as they are a priori part of the relationship that allows each other to exist. In any relationship, we need to work towards the balance of the polarities — which the status quo and 'queer' represent — to function harmoniously in society.

Now, a new journey begins as I prepare to launch exclusive, new features on the Think Queerly Podcast, as well as launching a new, personal transformation podcast. 

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Last week I published a post on my Medium publication by Shawn Banks titled, "Why White Gay Men Have Ruined LGBTQ+ Pride Month For Me." My involvement in the comments raised a number of questions in me, so I asked Shawn if he would come on the podcast and have a conversation. 

We discussed the reasons that prompted him to write the article. He tells me that he was watching the momentum and social media focus on the Black Lives Matters demonstrations in the United States. Then in the first week of June (being Pride Month), he started to notice people he follows on social media shifting their focus more to Pride content and wanting to enjoy Pride without having to pay attention to everything else going on. He then realized that most of these people where white gay men.

Show Notes

• We speak about the various levels of white privilege (and why that’s a form of white supremacy), the intersectionality of “otherness”, and the significant difference between prejudice and racism;
• The challenge of activist fatigue, empathy avoidance, yet choosing to continue with the momentum of this movement towards improving lives for Black People and working towards greater equality;
• How social media (Instagram) is educating on missing Black history;
• How many white people don’t like being called out, even in general terms, about white privilege, prejudice, or racism, and;
• Why resistance to change is a reaction to a lack of prediction and response in our environment and what we can do to reduce the stress that causes.

Shawn Banks is 25 years old and originally from Clinton, MD. He currently resides in Chicago, IL. By day, he’s a men's stylist and by night, he’s a stand-up comedian who has been performing in the DC, Maryland, and Virginia area for about a year. He considers myself a perpetual optimist who questions every facet of life and why we behave the way we do, which he displays in his sassy yet insightful style of stand-up. His Instagram is @Bankzzyyy (the only form of social media he uses consistently).

Resources and further reading

• “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” — Peggy McIntosh
• “Party and protest: the radical history of gay liberation, Stonewall and Pride” — Huw Lemmey
• “Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor” — Layla F. Saad
• Reconfiguring Pride to Savour Black Lives in 2020 and Beyond — Think Queerly Podcast

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Pride will always be political so long as it continues to exist. Pride, as a celebration, because it is celebrated, is a priori political because of its origins. Even to those to whom Pride only seems a big party, the nature and existence of Pride is dependent upon its foundations as a political movement.

There are multiple intersections of inequalities, systemic norms, laws, attitudes, and ideologies which demonstrate that it’s never a single issue that is the cause of prejudice, bigotry, and racism.

Covid-19 has shown us the volatility and impermanence of everything we thought to be constant by disrupting our lives and society. As Jack Kornfield said in his recent podcast, “If you don't grow in love through the pandemic, somehow suffering will have won."

Throughout this episode, we examine deeply and with great vulnerability the potential paradigm shift that’s happening in real-time, right now, about engaging with open and honest dialogue to make the space we inhabit a better one for Black People and how we can make that better still for People of Colour who are part of LGBTQ+ communities.

"The legacy and complexity of the problems of marginalization we seek to solve started well before Black Lives Matter and their protest during the parade in 2016.” — Olivia Nuamah

Click here to for the complete show notes and links to resources and articles:

https://darrenstehle.com/reconfiguring-pride-to-savour-black-lives/

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Haven’t We Been Here Before?

In this episode Shaun and I get right into the various contrasts we are witnessing in human behaviour during the COVID-19 pandemic and why that reminds of our own experiences having lived through the very beginnings of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the 1980s.

We discuss the layers of shame, including gay shame, bareback shaming from the early days of AIDS and eating our own — how marginalized groups are often more judgmental of their own, which further exacerbates feelings of shame and a lack of belonging and acceptance. Shaun drives home the point that this is a conversation for everyone who has sex, not just gay men. Everyone needs to hear this message and have this conversation.

We talk about the neuroscience of the mammalian brain, which is always seeking acceptance, connection, care. I those needs are not met, we have a difficult time using our pre-frontal cortex, the so-called human brain for logic, reasoning, and planning for things like safer-sex strategies. This all comes back to the human need for touch, physical connection, and sex — the longer we go without social connection, the more difficult it is to be “human.” We are all feeling some form of social-distancing fatigue.

This of course makes it even more of a challenge being single right now, especially for people living alone. For those who suffer depression or have challenges with addiction, following the rules is more challenging and stigma and preaching abstinence simply does more harm than good.

We conclude with a discussion about the need for compassionate and empathetic advocacy, as well as practicing more empathy for all of us. COVID-19 is the straw that has broken the camel’s back; it is a tipping point for humanity to realize that it’s not just a global health pandemic, rather, this is a life-changing, world-altering, system-disruption that is forcing us to evaluate civil liberties, human rights, and greater respect for the planet.

About Shaun Proulx

Shaun has credits as a television personality and host, producer, talk radio host, motivational speaker, columnist, author, publisher, actor, live event host, spokesperson, life coach, and activist for the issues of mental health, animal rights, and HIV stigma. He is the publisher TheGayGuideNetwork.com, Canada’s #1 LGBT digital magazine since 2002. Find out more about Shaun at his website, ShaunProulx.ca.

Links to Articles Mentioned on the Show

• HIV/AIDS in Contrast with the COVID-19 Pandemic — Lessons in History 
• The Prejudice of PrEP: You’re Fucked if You Don’t Bareback – LOP093
• Why Gay Shame Is Your Superpower
• Humanity’s Tipping Point — Without a Return to Compassion, We’re Finished
• GGN EMPOWERMENT: Pandemic Shaming – Sex In Covid Times
• GGN EMPOWERMENT: Sex + PnP In Pandemic Times
• Covid Conversations with Shaun Proulx
• fagdemic on Twitter & Instagram

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In this episode I discuss:

• How those of us at the bottom of the pyramid can create social and humanitarian evolution;
• Why despair holds us back from making meaningful change;
• Is sharing a meme on social media to support a trending hashtag helpful;
• My thoughts on #BlackOutTuesday, and;
• Why the time is NOW to do whatever it takes, without shame, to put a full-stop to bigotry, oppression, racial discrimination, gender and sexual prejudice, and to dissolve corrupt leadership.

Links mentioned in the episode:

• Martha Beck's video
• The Instagram post I mentioned
• Brené Brown's post about the system and power

Read the complete post on Medium:

Humanity’s Tipping Point — Without a Return to Compassion, We’re Finished.

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• How “hedonic tone” affects (and controls) how we feel which affects our nervous system;
• The role of the amygdala (the “reptilian” brain) and how it uses our various senses to read the environment to establish the level of threat or safety to us;
• Why the effects of COVID-19 on society make it challenging to create prediction and response, and thus a feeling of safety and security (low hedonic tone);
• Why we are hard-wired for negativity as a survival mechanism;
• Why there is no such thing as a negative mood or mindset;
• Why good news and good feelings are short-lived and seem to do little to reduce “negativity,” and;
• How we can witness the world to more easily understand and create strategies to “accept things as they are.”

Click here to watch the video.

In times of disruption, how do you make sense of the world?

I have created a short course called, “What’s Out of Your Control, Right Now?” to guide you through the process of understanding the two main aspects of control, i.e. what’s out of your control, and one’s reaction to what’s out of your control. By the end of this course, you will know what you are able to control, which will help you with your peace of mind and being better able to calmly respond instead of reacting.

“What’s Out of Your Control, Right Now?” is exclusively available to Think Queerly VIQ Members.

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What we see as perfection is witnessed in the natural order of things, not in what we think or do.

Perfection is a natural unfolding; the flow of life on this planet and thus even the Novel Coronavirus is a part of that unfolding or coming into being, regardless of the apparent conditions which may have helped the Novel Coronavirus come into being.

Listen to today’s episode for my thoughts about what this natural perfection tell us about who we are.

Read the complete post at DarrenStehle.com:

"An Invitation to Experience Things As They Are in the Midst of the COVID-19 Pandemic."

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If you're pulled in several directions but you need to show up in those various areas of business, the only way you can establish and keep boundaries is to make them public. You will need to tell the people you work with or service when you are available; the same goes for keeping true to your personal commitments. This goes entirely against the current Zeitgeist of immediate customer response and satisfaction.

Ask yourself,

"What do I need to let go of and stop doing to spend more time working on what’s most important to me?"

We all have too much to do, too many tasks, expectations, distractions, and so on. If you want to live the life of your dreams, why not spend a little time figuring out what's distracting you; what's at least one thing you can let go of, so that you can spend more time doing what you love, or more time working on what you want to create, sooner than later!

Want to get the clarity you need to eliminate distractions and spend more time doing what you love?

Read the post here: "4 Questions to Determine What You Need to Let Go Of."

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The biggest challenge lately has been what some are calling, moral fatigue, which is our experience of having to make one too many morally challenging decisions. This is showing up during the pandemic as the personal responsibility and respect we have for front-line workers, paying attention to adequate physical distancing, making sure that we minimize how often we go out to all the places we used to go to without a second thought, and so on.

It's Normal to Feel Overwhelmed…

But in this challenging time of uncertainty with the COVID-19 pandemic — including having to stay at home, physical distancing protocols, economic instability, and existential worry — what can you do to improve your state of mind when you feel like you have no control, or when you feel stressed out with uncertainty? How can you shift your focus to a better future vision, one that you want to create for yourself, and one that you can imagine happening?

I have created two coaching exercise episodes that can specifically help with overwhelm. The first is, “What’s Out of Your Control, Right Now?” and the second, “4 Questions to Determine What You Need to Let Go Of.” Both episodes are available exclusively to Think Queerly VIQ Members.

Think More Deeply…

• Who Do You Want to Be During the COVID-19 Pandemic?
• If Ever There Were a Time to Tell The Truth…
• Timeless Wisdom in a Pandemic: Give Up the Need for Control
• A Novel Pandemic — How a Virus Could Unite Humity

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“If ever there were a time to tell the truth, what do I need to say? Who do I need to say it to? Why have I avoided speaking this truth for so long?”

You might not find this a difficult or challenging question. This could also be the sort of question that makes you feel immediately uncomfortable. You might get angry or feel depressed as you thinking deeply about your answer. There are many good and valid reasons for why we hold back and protect our deepest truths. Revealing our secrets or fears to others requires emotional vulnerability, personal responsibility, and courage.

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Read the complete post on Th-Ink Queerly.

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Download my free book: Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity.

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When did you realize that you had to forgive yourself first, before anyone else, for your “gay shame”?

Gay shame is a term used (and possibly coined) by Alan Downs, author of The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing up Gay in a Straight Man’s World . Downs worked as a therapist for gay men, many of whom experienced a lack of validation for their identity during adolescence. 

When you grow up in the closet, the world around you (in the form of parents, family, friends, news, entertainment, politics, and religion) reinforces a status quo in which you might not see yourself represented. As an adult, this can show up as challenging and negative behaviours, unless the shame is understood and dealt with.

In this episode, I suggest that the term “gay shame” can be used more broadly for any queer person who experienced growing up in the closet and felt like they were not represented or accepted in the world around them.

Once we fully come out into our own sense of self and self-acceptance as a queer person, we can frame the experience of gay shame as a formative and foundational experience in out lives — one that literally gives us the superpower to see the dark truths of social norms and ideologies.

When we do the work to overcome internalized shame, we increase our capacity to feel empathy — one of the greatest forms of influence and the capacity to step into another person’s experience without judgement. The generosity of empathy is possibly the most human path towards connecting with another human being and changing their hearts and minds.

Explore Further…

• Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift? LOP030
• Vulnerability: How Gay Men Teach the Cleansing of Shame – LOP080
• From Sissy Boys to Straight-Acting Gay Men
• The Secret that Lives in the Closet

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If you want to experience more of the best of who you already are to freely create a life you love, go to: https://darrenstehle.com/

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Historians have long argued that infectious diseases have changed the course of humanity throughout history.

“HIV, a pandemic that is still with us and still lacks a vaccine, has killed an estimated 32 million people and infected 75 million, with more added every day” (Bryan Walsh; BBC).

While HIV and COVID-19 are both considered pandemics (a disease epidemic that spreads worldwide) they are dramatically different for many critical reasons that we discuss, including:

• How did AIDS change humanity?
• While there are aspects of the current pandemic that are beyond our control, in what ways might this situation provide us with the opportunity to reshape humanity for the better?
• Instead of just critiquing our current system, what kind of a world would we like to live in, and what can we do to get there?
• What lessons from the HIV/AIDS epidemic are most applicable to this moment in terms of not only surviving the current crisis but working towards a better world?
• How do we come together to create change when the current pandemic necessitates us to remain physically apart?

Guest Bios

David Butler is an eclectic artist, actor and designer living in Buffalo, NY. After thirty years as a traditional theatre actor and set designer, Butler has now transitioned to work in the motion picture industry. As Production Designer, a number of his films are available on Amazon and Netflix including After the Sun Fell, Cold Book, the lesbian thanksgiving coming-out comedy Lez Bomb, and the recently released teen thriller, Dead Sound.

Butler has been an active member of his LGBTQ Community since his early days in Act UP in the late 1980s and he currently shares facilitation of his home town LGBTQ Facebook page. Later this week they plan to announce the group’s first mini, virtual, pride fest called “PRIDE INSIDE!” Follow Dave on Twitter and Instagram.

Jeffry J. Iovannone is an activist-scholar, writer, educator, and researcher from Buffalo, New York who holds a Ph.D. in American Studies and specializes in gender and LGBTQ studies. He is the creator of the blog Queer History for the People, a columnist for Th-Ink Queerly, and a member of the Buffalo-Niagara LGBTQ History Project. Follow Jeffry on Twitter.

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Download my free book: Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity.

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We have an opportunity to respond to this pandemic in a way that will improve society and change our behaviours and actions in our attempts to control the world and other people. This is a tipping point for humanity ,  a time for witnessing the harm we have caused the planet and other human beings with aggressive capitalism, unsustainable production, gender and sexual inequality, human rights violations and a lack of human dignity.

Read the complete post here: Timeless Wisdom in a Pandemic: Give Up the Need for Control.

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Download my free book: Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity.

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In this episode I speak with Matt about,

• How trying to win the approval of his father made him seek out religion.
• Why this in part led him to become involved with conversion therapy.
• The years he spent in a private Facebook group (from about 18 to 23 years old) speaking with about 300 other men who classified as having “unwanted same-sex attractions,” how toxic that environment was with mental health issues and shaming, and how and why he was unable to leave.
• His experience when he attended a so-called “life-changing” conversion therapy camp weekend (Brother’s Road: Journey into Manhood — the subject of the Vice documentary video, below) in the US when he was 23.
• Why he remained connected with the weekend group for about 18 months, even though he no longer believed in the teachings or process.
• Matt’s involvement with “No Conversion Canada” and his media scrum on Parliament Hill when the Canadian government’s tabled the first reading of Bill C-8 to ban conversion therapy in Canada.
• And, what to do if you want to leave a conversion therapy program, or if you know someone you care about who needs help.

Read the complete post with additional details, resources, the videos of Matt speaking at Parliament Hill and the Vice documentary, “Living Through Gay Conversion Therapy” on my LGBTQ publication, Th-Ink Queerly on Medium:

Canadian Gay Conversion Therapy Survivor, Matt Ashcroft

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Join the discussion in my Facebook group.

Download my free book: Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity.

Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

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We are experiencing a worldwide disruption and we don’t know what to do. In these moments of uncertainty, we cannot predict what will happen next. This is what causes worry, upset, panic, anger.

From a neuroscience perspective, we are seeking connection with others but we have been told to practice social distancing (which needs to be changed to physical distancing) and self-isolation; to stay home. As humans we need connection and when that need isn’t being met, we get pretty feral; the animal takes over and we “go out of our minds.”

So when you ask, "Who do I want to be during this pandemic?" you are, in a sense, reverse engineering. You are setting up who you want to be, probably based on a past version of your best self. What are you seeking is prediction and response so that you can manage being your best self.

This is great because then you can go out with that sense of who you are, move to the side by two metres when you pass someone on the street, stand in line with the same distance from the person in front of you, only buy two of the same thing. After all, you desire to "be the kind of person who respects others."

There is no right or wrong here, just something engaging to think about so that we can be compassionate towards ourselves, which allows us to be compassionate towards others.

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Download my free book: Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity.

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Each one of those steps informs the next. If you feel fear and panic, you then think negatively, and choose words like “terrifying” and take an action that is in alignment with that “process.” How we manifest our feelings into the world through action is a reflection of who we are.

So, if we are afraid, angry, or terrified, at the feeling level, how does that manifest as an action? How do we interrupt this process at the point of feeling?

Read the full article here: How to Create Trust and Certainty in Challenging Times.

If you’re feeling anything like what I’ve described in today’s episode and would like to discover a set of strategies to create more certainty and trust in this time of social distancing, isolation, and economic uncertainty during the Covid-19 Pandemic I invite you to complete my coaching exercise, “What’s Out of Your Control, Right Now?“, available exclusively to Think Queerly VIQ Members.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Read the full article on Medium:

A Novel Pandemic - How a Virus Could Unite Humanity. 

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Download my free book: Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity.

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Only you can make your own life-defining choices to live authentically, to live truthfully, and to make a difference in the world. But that can only happen when you accept everything that has ever happened to you as, ‘what is’ and nothing more.

Read the full article on Medium: "Self-work Is the Requisite Nature of Personal Responsibility."

Leading Queerly with Darren

• Download my free book: Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity
• Curious about working with me as your coach? Click here.

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It is incredibly challenging, and sometimes it even feels impossible, to respond to an attack from a place of loving-kindness and acceptance for the other person as a human being, while maintaining the emotional integrity to offer an alternative solution that improves the situation and the humanity of the interaction.

Read the complete post on Medium: “How Can We Avoid Creating the Very Thing We Are Fighting Against?”

Leading Queerly with Darren

• Download my free book: Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity
• If you’re curious to find out more about working with me as your coach, click here.
• Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

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Post title & opening podcast soundbite: Ram Dass on Instagram.

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1. Is it acceptable for a drag queen to make jokes that are racist or transphobic?

2. Old school drag needs to change with the times and learn how to express our more inclusive values as a community.

3. Has drag lost its transgressive nature now that it has become an acceptable capitalist enterprise?

4. Social change is coming quickly and often with fury. Pushing too quickly for change is difficult because humans don't like to change. We need to approach this challenge with patience, compassion, and teaching in a what that helps those who are stuck in the past to listen, and to understand how their words hurt and harm, even if that is not their intention.

5. What about Drag Kings? Why is it that men still get to dress as women and get all of the glory? Even when exploiting the feminine men seek to control and dominate social space. While drag is still an affront to heteronormativity, it still expresses male dominance so that even if not wholly accepted, it is perceived (by gay men and society) as better than a woman doing the same.

Read the post on Th-Ink Queerly

When Prejudice is a Drag Queen: The Loss of a Transgressive Art Form.

Connect with Darren

• Get my book: Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity
• Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

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My book is dedicated to helping queer people discover how to risk expressing and embracing their difference to liberate their authentic selves and take part in creating a more loving and accepting world.

The principles I use in coaching queer leadership show up throughout my book. Here are a few:

1. Don’t lead others directly. Lead by example.
2. To think critically, be more curious.
3. Accept past transgressions as markers of who you have become.
4. A growth mindset evolves when you willingly embrace the uncomfortable.
5. Personal transformation happens when you lean out of your comfort zone long enough to cause permanent expansion.
6. The questions you ask yourself determine your perspective within the formation of your answers.
7. Freely expressing your creativity is an humanizing characteristic.
8. See the truth and fragility of your ego for its identification with separation.

Click here to download a copy of, “Think Queerly – Meditations & Critical Reflections On Liberating Humanity.”

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How we treat our own dictates how others will treat us.

But for us to work together successfully as a community of queer thought leaders we need to be mindful of how we support and treat each other, especially in a debate. This is one of the many ways a minority group of people can together work to affect positive change ; to root out issues of disagreement and to boldly move forward collectively.

Read the full post on Th-Ink Queerly:

How We Treat Each Other As Queer Leaders: An invitation to disrupt the status quo and elevate hearts and minds.

Are You a Closet Queer Creative?

Does the idea of a supportive, encouraging, and queer mastermind group excite you? If yes, let’s talk! Click here to learn more about how I coach and complete the Mastermind application form to find out if the program is a fit for you.

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Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

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If you want to make an impact, if you want to use your queer creativity to make a difference in the world, you will benefit from support and interaction with others in a facilitated, structured environment — one that supports a shared mission of thoughtful completion.

I want to inspire LGBTQ+ people to connect with their creative genius and their inner motivation to define their purpose so that they can use their difference to make a difference.

Are You a Closet Queer Creative?

In this episode, I address the issue of feeling bored and unmotivated, and how to applies to LGBTQ people not living out their lives as fully actualized human beings. When we are oppressed, when we self-regulate, we don't create. 

But it doesn't have to be that way. The Queer Creatives Mastermind is a container for queer minds to support each other’s creative efforts; to foster a community of belonging, one that allows its members to thrive.

Read the full post on Th-Ink Queerly:

Inspiration Comes from Within But Support Comes from Other Minds.

Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

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Want to share your thoughts and feelings about what a Queer Leadership might mean to you?

If you would like to contribute to my research, please complete my Queer Leadership Questionnaire.

Read the full post on Th-Ink Queerly:

Furthering my Research into the Development of Queer Leadership

Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

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This may take the form of a written post, a newsletter, a podcast, or a video. The idea is to share my work on Queer Leadership while I am in the process of creating it.

What a fantastic way to connect with new people, as well as receive helpful feedback and constructive criticism. This will keep me thinking critically, leading queerly, learning more about what that means, and why it's so important.

My focus for 2020 will be primarily on researching and writing my book, “The Way of Queer Leadership” but I will speak to other topics as needed, be those insights from my research, relevant LGBTQ issues or news, a book, an article, or thought leader I've discovered, and so on.

Read the post on Th-Ink Queerly:

My 365-Day Queer Publishing Challenge for 2020.

Connect with Darren:

• Darren Stehle: Coaching for Thought Leaders
• Subscribe on Apple Podcasts
• Th-Ink Queerly on Medium
• Twitter

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To that end, I want to state that my podcast and publication of the same name, Think Queerly, will not stand for assimilation of LGBTQ+ peoples. Instead, as I have expressed in the mission statement, Think Queerly supports liberation, i.e. “to improve humanity and equal rights for all”.

The value and importance of criticism

“Whereas “bitchiness” comes from a place of insecurity, critique derives from a desire to better humanity. As feminist philosopher Judith Butler explains: “I bring certain critical perspectives to what I study and speak about. ‘Critical’ does not mean destructive, but only willing to examine what we sometimes presuppose in our way of thinking, and that gets in the way of making a more livable world”. Jeffry Iovannone

My working definition of “Queer Leadership”

"Queer Leadership is not about organizing people. Instead, it's the principle of individuals leading from their difference, their creative uniqueness, not to assimilate into the dominant culture, but to liberate and elevate those oppressed by the dominant status quo."

On the current lack of critical thought and depth across social media

I discuss my observations about social media, the cult of celebrity, and the problem with LGBTQ celebrity endorsements. I share my observations to explain why it is so important to uphold my principles to only publish critical thinkers. I am no longer interested in topics or authors who don’t fit and who are unwilling to take editorial advice. That’s the job of an editor, to make sure a submission meets all the guidelines of the publication.

Looking forward to the next decade

If we want things to change for the better, if we want to solve issues like climate change, fake news, populism, removing Trump from the White House (and locking him up), and if we want to liberate all people from oppression, prejudice, and “normalization” then we must think more critically. We can no longer support platforms that only encourage groupthink, bullying, and personal attacks. We can no longer support pandering to people who take offence to “micro-aggressions” and turn molehills into mountains.

It is time to think more queerly!

Are you interested in Queer Leadership? Would you help me with my research and complete this Questionnaire?

Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

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Jeff has been a regular guest on the podcast and today he joins me as we discuss Jeff’s follow up essay, “Pete Buttigieg is — Still — Not the Gay Candidate I Want”. We go deeper to consider what we would like to see from someone who is not only gay and out, but someone vying for the leadership of the Democratic Party in the United States of America.

We discuss the following topics:

• What is "Covering"?
• Why Pete Buttigieg is a prime example of "covering"
• "Covering" and Queer Leadership
• Do queer public figures have a different responsibility to "use their difference to make a difference" than the average queer citizen?
• Can one exercise effective queer leadership, or effective leadership in general, if they're "covering"?
• What might someone like Mayor Pete tell us about the state of LGBTQ rights at present?

Guest Bio

Jeff Iovannone is an activist-scholar, writer, educator, and researcher from Buffalo, New York who holds a Ph.D. in American Studies and specializes in gender and LGBTQ studies. He is the creator of the blog Queer History for the People, a columnist for Th-Ink Queerly, a member of the Buffalo-Niagara LGBTQ History Project, and is a founding member of Body Liberated Buffalo, a volunteer-run activist and advocacy group that works for body liberation in Western New York.

Read the complete article on Th-Ink Queerly:

How Pete Buttigieg 'Covers' His Gay Identity. The Way of Queer Leadership Discussion with Jeffry Iovannone — TQ110

Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

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We are told we do not belong and so we create to be happy, to foster new subcultures in which we feel comfortable, and where we belong. We beautify our spaces and ourselves in such a way that we can identify ourselves to each other in a fashion and style of belonging (yes to the double entendre).

The reason for this almost natural queer creativity is simple, if not obvious: we all seek belonging. We seek a community to which we can belong, participate in or claim to be a part of. We all seek validation for who we are. In these queerer spaces, we seek to belong and to be seen versus trying to fit in with the hegemonic status quo. These safe spaces offer freedom and foster the inspiration for creativity to flourish.

Read the complete article on Th-Ink Queerly

Why the World Needs Queer Creativity Now More Than Ever.

Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

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Pronouns used to properly recognize gender and sexual identities are a political act that disrupts the status quo.

However, what’s been missing from the ‘pronoun debate’ is the discussion about the nature of language and who or what will have the final say on which pronouns variations endure.

One the one hand, it’s valid to declare that proper pronoun use in favour of one’s identity is nonnegotiable and justifiable from a diversity and human rights standpoint.

On the other hand, this viewpoint is missing an important aspect of linguistics with respect to the efficiency of language.

Specifically, the nature and economy of language provide clues about which pronouns will endure in the Queer Community.

Support the Think Queerly Podcast!

Read the article on Th-Ink Queerly:

Too Many Gender Identifying Pronouns: The Decision Fatigue Paradox.

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What We Cover in the Episode

Starting at 7m 05s we begin by looking backwards with a brief review of the history of gender identity, LGBTQ — and specifically transgender activism — and how society seems to have changed with the advent of the internet.

We then delve into the definitions, political, social, and linguistic history of terms like biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, cis-gender, transgender, intersex, gender non-binary, genderqueer, and more.

Finally, we discuss where progress is happening in the world, from changes to medical terms at the World Health Organization, some of the simple shifts in certain languages that can make trans and gender non-conforming people feel more welcome in everyday situations, and the different ways we could consider identity that has nothing to do with gender.

Originally aired on Rainbow Country on November 05, 2019

Follow

• Listen to Rainbow Country, Gay Talk Radio Toronto-style, Tuesday's from 11 pm to 1 am on CIUT 89.5 FM in Toronto. Follow Mark Tara on Twitter and Instagram.
• Read Jeffry J. Iovannone’s work on Medium and follow him on Instagram.

Recommended podcast episodes

• Listen to my first interview on Rainbow Country
• My discussion with Jeffry Iovannone: Deconstructing the Ideal Gay Male Body – LOP077
• Deconstructing the Myth of Stonewall and its Influence on Mainstream Society – LOP091

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This morning I read a tweet by someone I follow referencing Tucker Carlson and another right-wing pundit blaming the forest fires in Los Angeles on diversity programs and LGBTQ people:

"Tucker Carlson and Dave Rubin Blame California Wildfires on ‘Woke’ Public Utilities Focused on Being Pro-LGBT and Racially Diverse."

I had to ask myself, why. Why do people think like this? What is the cause of this? I realized it is nothing more complicated than the various stages of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I think the core issues that are bothering people are a lack of control and a lack of belonging; specifically, how do I feel safe, secure, supported, loved, and respected.

In this episode I discuss:

• When you feel like you have no control over your ability to earn enough income to keep a roof over your head, or when you feel like you have no control of your physical safety as an LGBTQ person, what is life like for you?
• Why belonging is a far more complex issue but still has connections to a lack of control.
• Why the practice in seeking first to understand before reacting is very challenging.
• How you can challenge yourself to be the change you want to see in the world.

Read the complete post: "The Need for Control and Belonging: The Zeitgeist of Social Media."

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Seeing the world through a queer perspective helps us understand that there is no real living, breathing binary.

Rather, the binary is a way for us to describe something that we observe, to articulate something that is not exact. Exactness in and of itself is an intellectual construct, a product of the mind in an attempt to describe what the mind observes. The binary is a relation, neither a finite description or something that takes form in existence.

Read the complete post,

"LGBTQ Diversity Demonstrates that Dualities Are Artificial Constructs."

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We are taught that we are other, that we don’t belong, that we can’t cross the gender divide. To do so is a form of weakness. Straight-acting gay men are struggling with self-acceptance and personal forgiveness, but they are trapped on the surface level of both physical appearance and mannerisms.

I don’t believe that straight-acting gay men don’t have the desire to be authentic, instead, they are ignorant or fearful of that possibility. They haven’t been given the freedom to let themselves fully out, to express what scares the crap out of them and wholly own it without shame or compression of self-expression.

Diversity may be initially uncomfortable, and that’s okay.

Discomfort means you are challenging the status quo, which is paradoxically never fixed, as much as hegemonic ideologies would prefer it be stuck in time and place.

Read the complete post at ThinkQueerly.com.

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How can we create communities of LGBTQ leadership, which includes our allies, to work together to improve humanity – a humanity of belonging?

Brené Brown defines a leader as,

“… anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.”

While traditional leadership is often framed within the container of one person at the top leading or directing others, or people choosing to follow a single leader for the leader’s teachings or philosophy, a queer leadership seeks to be self-serving for the betterment of humanity.

By self-serving I do not mean selfish or self-centred in a negative sense. I mean that you lead yourself first, which requires deep self-awareness so that you can create the potential for the changes you wish to see in the world. Queer leadership seeks to demonstrate a collective self-leadership that reinforces a community and a politics of belonging.

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The Way of Queer Leadership Series -- Listen from the beginning:

1. How Otherness Empowers a Queer Leadership – LOP099
2. Queering Leadership: An Evolutionary, Humanitarian Approach – LOP101
3. The Problem of LGBTQ Division and Eating Our Own – LOP102

Or read the posts of the podcast on Th-Ink Queerly:

1. What Constitutes a Queer Leadership?
2. The Way of Queer Leadership Is Never a Straight Path
3. Queer Rage is Valid But Weakens LGBTQ Leadership

Image credit: “Collective” by keizer keizer

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Have you ever seen this happen? Queers come together at a large event like Pride where everyone wants to have their voice heard, their opinions honoured and recognized as having value. Sometimes this leads to division or in-fighting within a specific group, like gay male “bitchiness” or one part of the community against another.

There are many reasons for the causes of such division. It may involve personal emotions, shame, not knowing oneself well-enough, or something situational. Within the politics of leadership and working to improve humanity and make the world a better place, we may have conflicting needs as a group or a collective of LGBTQ people, but not necessarily conflicting values.

In this episode, I share a story from my early foray into leading (or my inability at that time) and my involvement with Queer Nation in Ottawa, Canada. I talk about the relationship between leadership and influence, and it’s opposite – recruitment and persuasion. The later is the very human challenge of the ego unchecked, blinded by our fears and defensiveness, which leads to many of the challenges we are facing in the world today, including climate change, toxic capitalism, neoliberalism, the demise of democracy, populism, and the silencing and scapegoating of the “other” in society.

If everyone were taught to understand that power is an illusion and a complete disconnect from humanity, human beings become more aware of their need to take care of the thing that supports their life in the first place – the planet.

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More Queer Thought Leadership

• How Otherness Empowers a Queer Leadership – LOP099
• Read the post, What Constitutes a Queer Leadership?
• Queering Leadership: An Evolutionary, Humanitarian Approach – LOP101
• Read the post, The Way of Queer Leadership Is Never a Straight Path

Image: “Division” by Peter Dekkers

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We demonstrate individual integrity with honesty and strong moral principles to guide our choices and actions. What happens when you make a decision based on strong moral principles but you have to conceal part of the reason for your decision? Is that wrong? Is that dishonest? Or is that one of the many challenges that make leadership fluid and diverse?

Rarely are any of our choices perfect, but in leadership, misunderstandings happen only when there isn’t complete and honest disclosure. Sometimes withholding information is a necessary part of leadership, if the choice was well-intentioned and not morally unjustified.

In this episode, I share a story about a time I had to make a tough decision that I thought was right, but others perceived as wrong. I share my ideas on what I consider to be the foundational qualities of evolutionary, humanitarian leadership. Finally, I suggest that as LGBTQ people, because of our deep introspection and insights, we can think queerly and lead the status quo in thinking outside the narrow confines of how they think they’re supposed to think.

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This episode is part of, “The Way of Living OUT Leadership: A Queer Path Forward”, and builds upon the ideas discussed in LOP099, “How can we work together as a collective of queer thinkers to embrace, demonstrate, and advocate a humanitarian leadership of belonging?”

https://darrenstehle.com/otherness-empowers-queer-leadership-lop099/

Image credit: “Humanity” by zalgon

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I had no idea at that time what the show might become. Certainly, I have expanded the breadth of what I talk about since episode 001. Currently, I am focused on sharing The Way of Living OUT Leadership: a new way forward for LGBTQ people – while I’m creating it. Putting that in writing scares me a bit, which is a good sign. This is not a bad or an irrational fear, instead it’s the healthy trepidation that I am creating something new and willing to be open with my process as I develop my “method”.

On today’s show, I speak about why and how the show has become a place for me to share queer thought leadership, and why your difference as an LGBTQ person in this world makes a valuable difference. I also talk briefly about some of my favourite and most downloaded episodes, namely:

• Are You A Top Or A Bottom? – LOP003
• How Gay Shame Limits Self-Worth and Personal Growth – LOP008
• Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift? LOP030
• Forgiveness and Acceptance of Internalized Homophobia – LOP039
• The Challenge to Lead as Out Gay Men – LOP063
• Being At Ease With Yourself – LOP067
• Were Religions Invented to Control the Ego’s Fear of the Other? LOP075
• Jeffry Iovannone: Deconstructing the Ideal Gay Male Body – LOP077
• Remaking Manhood and #MeToo with Mark Greene – LOP082
• The Prejudice of PrEP: You’re Fucked if You Don’t Bareback – LOP093
• My Interview on Gay Radio Show, Rainbow Country – LOP097

I am immensely grateful to you as a listener, as someone who may have shared my podcast, left me a comment, or sent me an email. Let’s keep an open dialogue and here’s to 100 episodes more! 🙂

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How can we – collectively as queer people – lead from the margins to metaphorically corral the disparate fractions of humanity, so that divisiveness between peoples may become less in proximity to create and foster a genuine diversity.

There doesn’t yet exist a so-called “queer leadership” per se, or that I know of, but I am working on developing this new style of leadership that our world desperately needs. That starts here, with this “Living Document”, which I will continually add to, modify, and come back to as the foundations for what I hope to co-create with many other like-minded, queer thinkers. (If you would like to receive a copy of this document as soon as it’s available, subscribe to my newsletter so that I can send it to you.)

In today’s episode:

• Why “Gay leadership” is not enough.
• Building upon the 14 distinct gifts that are unique to many gay men as discussed in Ray Rigoglioso’s book, “Gay Men And The New Way Forward.”
• What do we need to create evolutionary change in the world?
• What does “queer” mean and why is it vital that we embrace and reclaim the word.
• Embracing and honouring all the letters that make up our fluid “LGBTQ+” acronym.
• Making the pronouns, they/them the linguistic default.
• Moving from a politics of division to a politics of belonging.

If you’re a creative person – a scholar, writer, or an artist – but you’re stuck trying to start or complete a project, maybe because you think that you don’t know enough, that you’re an imposter pretending to be an expert, then we should talk.

Let’s discover how to use your insights, talents, and uniqueness to make a difference in the world and to Live OUT your mission. Find out more at DarrenStehle.com/coaching.

Support The Way of Queer Leadership.

More Queer Thought Leadership:

• Writing a New Narrative. The Power of Story to Save Humanity – LOP098
• If There Is No Binary, Where Does Gender Exist? LOP096
• What’s in a name? The Importance of Being Queer – LOP088
• How Can You Use Your Difference to Make a Difference? LOP072

More about the Distinct Gay Male Gifts:

• Vulnerability: How Gay Men Teach the Cleansing of Shame – LOP080
• Ray Rigoglioso, Gay Man of Wisdom – LOP048
• How Gay Men Imbue Culture With Beauty and Creativity – LOP042
• Forgiveness and Acceptance of Internalized Homophobia – LOP039
• From Sissy Boys to Straight-Acting Gay Men
• Is Forgiveness of Homophobia a Gay Male Gift? LOP030

Image credit: “Day 179: God Hates Fags, But I Love You” by Juli

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Recently I listened to The TED Interview, Yuval Noah Harari reveals the real dangers ahead in which Harari explains why it might feel like there’s no future for humanity. Serendipity led me to read, George Monbiot: how do we get out of this mess? and to watch his TED Talk, “The new political story that could change everything”.

https://www.ted.com/talks/george_monbiot_the_new_political_story_that_could_change_everything#t-714

Both Harari and Monbiot explain that humanity is missing the next “narrative” – or as Monbiot calls it, a“Restoration Story” – one that follows the classic hero’s journey, provides us with a story of who we are, and a vision of the future in which we see ourselves living a better life.

What I’m currently creating is a “living document” titled, “How to Use Your Difference to Make a Difference”. You’ve heard me use this expression on previous episodes if you’re a regular listener. If you would like to receive a copy of this document as soon as it’s available, subscribe to my newsletter so that I can send it to you.

Creating a new politics of belonging instead of division

For reference, here are the quotations from Monbiot’s article below, that I speak to in today’s episode.

“Political renewal depends on a new political story. Without a new story that is positive and propositional, rather than reactive and oppositional, nothing changes.”

“The narrative we build has to be simple and intelligible. If it is to transform our politics, it should appeal to as many people as possible, crossing traditional political lines. It should resonate with deep needs and desires. It should explain the mess we are in and the means by which we might escape it. And, because there is nothing to be gained from spreading falsehoods, it must be firmly grounded in reality.

This might sound like a tall order. But there is, I believe, a clear and compelling Restoration Story to be told that fits this description.”

We human beings “…possess an unparalleled sensitivity to the needs of others, a unique level of concern about their welfare, and a peerless ability to create moral norms that generalise and enforce these tendencies. We are also, among mammals, the supreme cooperators.”

“We have been induced by politicians, economists and journalists to accept a vicious ideology of extreme competition and individualism that pits us against each other, encourages us to fear and mistrust each other and weakens the social bonds that make our lives worth living.”

“We have lost our common purpose (…) to find common ground in confronting our predicaments, and to unite to overcome them.”

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More Reading

• Neoliberalism – the ideology at the root of all our problems

Image credit: Catherine Cronin

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Mark invited me on the show to talk about coaching, how I became a coach, and why I choose to offer my Life Coaching primarily to GBT men. We also talk about my publication, Th-Ink Queerly on Medium, and of course my show, The Living OUT Podcast – how it all began, and my plans for the future.

Mark asked me some interesting and challenging questions about gender, my coming out story, gay male body image, gay marriage, the “14 distinct gay male gifts”, drag kids, drag queens, and so much more. It was a wonderful experience and opportunity for someone else to ask me the questions for a change! I hope you enjoy the show as much as I did.

Follow Mark Tara:

• MarkTara.com
• Rainbow Country LGBT Radio Show
• Twitter @MarkTaraMusic
• Instagram @marktaramusic

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Earlier this week I was quickly browsing my Facebook feed and read a post that was purposefully provocative and included a text meme of the following: “There are only two genders – Science“.

Leaving aside how categorically incorrect, ignorant, and inconsiderate that statement is, it prompted me to question why we so often think in binaries. Why have we created a world that is limited by a way of thinking that is so contentious?

When we understand that the gender binary is a conceptual construct, that it’s not real, that gender is not a physical thing, we can open up into the space or the possibility of understanding that gender is nebulous. Gender doesn’t exist on a straight line, being (only) a man on the one far side and (only) a woman on the other far side. Such a description begs the ontological question: “If man exists on one side and woman on the other, what exists in-between?" What exists within the space between the two polarities? Even that question is problematic, namely, “Why are there polarities in the first place?”

Polarities can only exist with binary thinking.

What if there is no binary, for anything? Instead, this is how we have seen and understood the world for so long that it seems AS IF there are only binaries to explain almost any extreme and it’s opposing side of the equation. Yet there is nothing but space between these concepts because there can never be agreement what creates the limitations that define the polarities of a binary.

When we experience the space in the gap as the true nature of the universe, we will no longer see duality.

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Resources supporting this episode

• A Conscious Meditation on the Gap
• There Is No Space Between Us In The Gap – LOP053
• Fear of “The Other” is Defence of the Ego – LOP059

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Think about that question for a moment. When we come out of the closet as LGBTQ people, most often we experience coming out several times (each time we have to reveal who we are to a new person). Sometimes we regress, fearful of having revealed too much of who we are, and we put some parts of who we are back in the closet.

In this episode, I share two times in my life when I was living fully out, gay and proud, and freely expressing who I was (other than how I live my life, now). What I learned is that GBTQ men are unique and valuable contributors to society, with insights that are different from our heterosexual counterparts. If we hide any parts of who we are, if we don’t live fully out, we are hurting ourselves and the rest of the world misses out on our contributions.

This doesn’t mean that we need to assimilate and become part of the status quo in order to fit in. Deep, truthful, profound happiness requires being and expressing all of who you are without apology to anyone else. Acceptance for who we are requires vigilance and visibility, for our “otherness” to be seen as uniqueness.

Read the original post here, Have You Left The Best Parts Of You In The Closet?

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Photo by Brandi Ibrao on Unsplash.

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Recently, someone I follow and highly respect on Facebook, whose training programs I have paid to take part in, posted praise for an author and so-called intellectual for whom I have no respect – Jordan Peterson.

In the post, my colleague praised both Peterson’s character and his book, “12 Rules for Life.” I wrote a comment to suggest that Peterson’s moral ethics were questionable, and that just because he’s published a popular book doesn’t he’s an expert in that genre, or that he’s someone that others should emulate.

What if someone has something of value to say in one area, but on other subjects you vehemently disagree?

In the case of Peterson, he refuses to respect the rights of trans individuals to be called by their name and pronouns of choice. He’s gone so far as to call for the abolishment of the Ontario Human Rights Tribunal. Given the work I do – my LGBTQ advocacy and the fact that I am an out gay man – it behooves me to stand up to this kind of intellectual bully. Peterson is a white, cis male who refuses to give up an iota of power (that he falsely believes is being threatened) when it comes to respecting human rights. In all seriousness, why is it so difficult for Peterson to call a person by their preferred pronoun? This goes beyond human rights, landing squarely in the realm of personal arrogance.

Peterson calls the Ontario Human Rights Commission a kangaroo court.

He makes this general statement in his classroom citing unnamed lawyers (clearly he picked points that he wanted to hear without a shred of opposition). This alone should cause one to be concerned about the man’s intellect and ethical fortitude. The Human Rights Tribunal operates effectively and fairly because it is, in fact, a real quasi-judicial body operating under clear and defined rules and procedures – quite the opposite of a kangaroo court. Peterson has a clear agenda to undercut the authority of the Tribunal and the desire to do away with the Human Rights Act itself because he doesn’t want to be “forced” to call another human being by their preferred pronoun.

Canada is not a militaristic country. Canada is not an oligarchy. Canada is not a communist state. Canada is not ruled by a dictator. To compare the Ontario Human Rights Tribunal to a kangaroo court does a disservice to what it means to be a Canadian. If anything, Peterson has taken a page from the capitalist, American approach to power and is acting in a very unpatriotic, un-Canadian way. This has nothing to do with freedom of speech but everything to do with respecting the rights of the individual to be treated fairly and equally in the county of Canada.

But I digress…

How to interact with friends, colleagues, or a mentor who praises someone you know is highly problematic or controversial?

The first step is to know the medium. Where did this happen? In this case, the correspondence took place on Facebook. Social media presents significant challenges when trying to make a specific point. The medium itself restricts and constricts how you can get your point across. People leave comments, memes, or icons, and then comment upon comments. At some point in the thread, the original line of thought is no longer the intention of the message. The medium serves the purpose to distract from learning something new or thinking differently. Each comment potentiates serving the ego by making a point to defend your point of view. This presents a serious problem for effective communication.

This is what I attempted to do. I offered the suggestion that we need to understand that our mentors are just as human as we are. I shared a link to my podcast, The Hateful Prejudice and Elitism that is Jordan Peterson – LOP056, in which I criticize Peterson because it was clear my colleague didn’t know this information. That doesn’t make my colleague a bad person, nor did it make me think any less of him. There is so much information available to us that it’s easy to be ignorant. This ignorance is not neglect or bad behaviour, it’s a fact of life. Thankfully, my colleague was willing to look at the information I shared. What became problematic were the other people who decided to jump in with their opinions.

I did not want to start a fight, which is why I made some statements and backed it up with a link to my podcast, and a link to an in-depth article by someone else who backed up their research with references. What I soon discovered was that trying to change minds on Facebook (which is even harder to do on Twitter) is exceptionally difficult. One person made reference to how people on the left get upset when they don’t feel included around issues of equality and that they then act like snowflakes.

I’ve heard it said elsewhere that people on social media who use general and undefined terms like neoliberalism, the left, or snowflakes want to appear intellectual. Essentially they don’t have to do the hard work of thinking for themselves. They want to have one creed, or one leader, that allows them to prejudge the world and everything easily.

It only took me a moment to click on this person’s profile page to see that he was a white male. I cannot assume his privilege, but let’s just start with that first fact: white male. How easy is it for someone to call other people weak – a snowflake – when they have never suffered prejudice, racism, sexism, etc. for wanting to be an equally respected human being? This is a careless and thoughtless reaction which results in indirect bullying.

Social media is the perfect place to demonstrate the absence of empathy.

I chose not to participate any further in the discussion and turned off notifications to the post. I could have created a steel-man argument, summarizing the other people’s arguments to help them see that I understood their point of view. From there I could’ve suggested how they could use empathy to understand my viewpoint. What I decided is that, as the comments on the Facebook post became more deeply nested, the more difficult and unlikely it was becoming to change hearts and minds. There was only one solution: use a different medium (this article and a podcast).

Changing hearts and minds requires patience, time, and either face-to-face interaction, or a longer form medium like a podcast episode or an article that someone can read and reread to dissect the ideas presented, and to understand and evolve their own thoughts and ideas.

To think critically, you have to first think for yourself.

In the first instance, this means getting off platforms like Facebook or Twitter. I don’t mean deleting your profile, rather step away from the discussion or argument and take some time to reflect. If there’s something you don’t understand, do your research and look for both supporters and detractors on the subject. If there’s something you’re telling yourself that you refuse to believe (because you think you’re right), ask yourself, “Is this true? Could I be wrong?” Or, “Is there something I don’t know that might change my mind?”

A growth mindset requires both the time to evolve, but more importantly, the willingness to seek out new and possibly uncomfortable information along with the willingness to contemplate what that means to you. Notice how your body feels as you challenge your thinking. Is your heart racing? Are you getting upset? Are you furrowing your brow not wanting to accept this new information or different points of view? The more emotionally attached you are to an idea, the more difficult it will be to change your thoughts and beliefs.

Beliefs are not reasonable

A belief in something, which can also be called faith, has no factual reasoning. There’s no proof that God exists in a comparable way to how we substantiate things with scientific reasoning and discovery. If you simply believe something to be true that does not make it so. The more your beliefs are built upon faith or emotions, the more easily you will get sucked into believing what other people tell you, groupthink, and other potentially dangerous patterns of behaviour.

Evolving how we think and modifying our behaviours and opinions is challenging yet rewarding work. The more you can substantiate your point of view, the more of a critical thinker you will become. But beware the lack of empathy for others, and the social media default to immediately defend your point of view, before doing your homework to determine the source or the origin of the message in question.

Further Critical Thinking

• How to Let Go of Being Right to Be Who You Are – LOP018
• How We Treat Each Other Reflects Who We Are
• What Are We Striving For — As Individuals and as a Human Collective?
• Why We Need to Engage Critics and Defuse Outrage – LOP051
• Do Actions Speak Louder Than Words? – LOP057
• Jordan Peterson Is Divisive Because of His Weaknesses, Not His Strengths

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There's a new kind of gay male sexual privilege, one that’s entering dangerous areas of health, disease control, and prejudice: gay men who are on PrEP and only have bareback sex.

There Is Risk in Everything We Do

“As renowned PrEP educator and marriage and family therapist, Damon Jacobs, thoughtfully pointed out in a piece for The Advocate titled, “Sex With PrEP, Like Life, Is Never Without Risk,” 133 pedestrians are killed in New York City each year by cars. Just walking out on the street is dangerous. There’s risk in everything we do.”Source

This period in history – the use of PrEP – reminds me of HIV shaming that happened in the 80s and 90s. Gay men who were negative (or thought they were) would shame HIV+ men by shunning them, which was most visible in online dating profile. You could read ads that said, “HIV- only”, or “Only safe and clean”, etc.. The truth is that anyone could lie and say they were HIV- or simply not disclose if not asked.

I remember having sex with a guy I met sometime early 2000s. I was fucking him with a condom and I noticed he had a tattoo of an AIDS ribbon. It was in an innocuous place that I only saw because of the position of his legs in sex. It took me out of the moment and confronted me with my own prejudice, but we keep playing and the sex ended well. It was a reminder to me that if I was protecting myself, I could relax. I hadn’t asked him prior to meeting about his status, probably because HIV had been around for over 20 years and the routine of asking, or being freaked out about someone having HIV had diminished – but clearly my fears and prejudice had not.

Human Behaviour and Unconscious Choices

We often make choices that are not in alignment with our best judgement, let alone our values, when we are denied something we want. In this case, the denial of affection and sex based on prejudice can lead to unhealthy choices and behaviours. In the late 90’s I witnessed the rise of so-called “bug-chasers”; individuals who actively sought HIV+ partners to agree to fuck them raw in the hope of seroconversion. Their desire was to have what they felt was denied them, the freedom to have sex “the way nature intended”.

Basic Human Needs

These choices – that of the bug-chaser to seek seroconversion – were psychological, based in human need and self-worth. Add onto these choices the social fabric of exclusion, being “othered”, not feeling accepted for who you are as a gay or trans man, and so on. Many of us took a self-righteous approach, assuming a higher moral ground, when in fact, there were many of us who secretly longed to ditch condoms and just “get it over with.” This is part of what lead to the term, “condom fatigue”, which sadly misses the real and deeper human truth entirely. As an already oppressed and marginalized group, now you’ve taken away our freedom to have sex however, and with whomever we want. The golden age of free, uninhibited gay sex was over. We had lost, what felt like, our only privilege.

What is this universe we live in now?

For the longest time you were taught to ask about your partner’s status, and many HIV- men had to face rejection on an all-too-regular basis. Then dating apps allowed users to select HIV status, sexual preferences, last testing date, and options like “negative on PrEP”, etc.

While those options are useful for making choices – having too many choices is problematic. Psychologically, when we are faced with too many choices, we have a hard time making a decision. We see this in supermarket research on consumers buying behaviours. If you have a shelf for jams and you have 10 flavours, with five companies offering the same 10 flavours, how do you choose? What if three of the brands are all on sale? Now make the comparison to the list of labels on a profile on Grindr or Scruff. Sometimes there are so many variables, not including the personal description that may be see...

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We would be part of every day “straight pride”, which is the freedom to walk out and about without ever having the concern about your gender or sexual identity coming into question.

Protests change in size, meaning, and voracity.

To celebrate Pride – to revel openly as who we are, in public out on the streets, holding hands with the person we love, kissing our same-sex partner, making out with our trans lover, dancing in the ecstasy of the freedom of a single day surrounded by our “people” – is not only an act of celebration, but a public display and affirmation that we are here, we are queer, and we require/desire the same rights and freedoms as everyone else.

That in itself is a powerful statement, and while most large North American Pride celebrations might not look like a protest, I argue that they are – albeit for the most part peaceful and celebratory. Pride make a statement about the state of LGBTQ people because of its very existence.

How do we reclaim what Pride originally stood for?

The Reclaim Pride Coalition answered that vital question with an alternative march to this year’s Stonewall50 and World Pride Parade in New York City, June 2019. According to their “Why We March” statement,

“We March in our communities’ tradition of resistance against police, state, and societal oppression, a tradition that is epitomized and symbolized by the 1969 Stonewall Rebellion.”

In episode 89, I shared Why Black Lives Matters was right, that uniformed police have no place at Pride, because of the history of violence and oppression by police forces against our community that is visually represented and triggered by the uniform.

On the question of the commercialization of Pride – something I discussed with Jeffry Iovannone in, “Deconstructing the Myth of Stonewall and its Influence on Mainstream Society – LOP091” – the Reclaim Pride Coalition continues with,

“We March against the exploitation of our communities for profit and against corporate and state pinkwashing, as displayed in Pride celebrations worldwide, including the NYC Pride Parade.”

“Denial of equality is immoral.”

As queer people we need to work together for the rights of all – against ideologies, restrictive and fundamentalist religions, racism, sexism, and all forms of prejudice. What hurts us, hurts other, and vice versa. Equality for some is not equality at all.

When we celebrate, we marginalize.

There will always be someone left our of our Pride celebrations. When we celebrate, without historical memory of where Pride came from, we risk marginalizing members of our LGTBQ collective. As much freedom as we feel we may have gained, we still don’t have humane rights for all – we only have human rights, which can be taken away by whoever is in power.

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”Wayne dyer

Know your history. Know why you chose to celebrate or party. Is it time for you to stand up and reclaim your pride?

Resources

Pride parade brings 'electric' vibe to Toronto's streets SundayChief says police would have deployed differently if they were welcome at PrideCommunity over hate: We must all stand up for our shared valuesStonewall 50: The Revolution, a four-episode documentary centred on the historic 1969 Stonewall uprising, which explores the past, present and future of the LGBTQ rights movement. I Don’t Need Your Queer Litmus TestFinding God in Pride50 Years of Stonewall: Pride and VigilanceAn American Blueprint or How to Achieve Flying Pride in Your CityWhat is a “Pride Body”?

Image credit: Mary Crandall

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In this special "Pride" episode, we discuss the “Stonewall origin myth” and why the mainstream assumption that “gay liberation” started with Stonewall is both problematic and harmful.

According to Jeffry Iovannone, one of the two commentators on this episode,

“The danger of the Stonewall myth [...] lies in the fact that it has become not only one story LGBTQ people tell about themselves, but the story we tell about ourselves. Stonewall is not just a narrative, but a meta-narrative: a totalizing account regarded as a universal truth that excludes other narrative threads and possibilities.”Source

Ken Gault – our "Gay Elder" commentator this episode – was born in 1951 and has the lived experience of growing up in the time preceding the singular event known as the Stonewall riots. He remembers going out to the bars before 1969 and seeing people who were happy to be among others like themselves. Surprisingly, Gault didn’t hear about the riots until five years after the event. So what does that tell us about how Stonewall has been configured in our collective psyche as a “tipping point” in our LGBTQ history?

We move through history, not to discuss the events of Stonewall themselves, but to better understand all the other layers of history that have brought us to this point in time. We consider the origins of what we call Pride today, the examples of bravery, empathy, and the human strength of those who fought, gave care, and died during the AIDS crisis, what we have fought for over the past 50 years, the commodification and commercialization of LGBTQ Pride, the issues of privilege, visibility, the ignorance of history, and police at Pride.

Speaker Bios

For over 50 years, Ken Gault has been an active participant, observer and raconteur in the gay communities of Montreal, Baltimore and New York: the turmoil of the ’60s and Stonewall, the excesses of the 70s, the harsh realities of the 80s, miracles of the 90s. And this millennium: a new beginning or business as usual, political power or personal growth? Stay tuned, “GUncle” Ken explains it all for you. Follow Ken on Medium where he pens his “On This Day” series at Th-Ink Queerly and on Facebook.

Jeff Iovannone is an activist-scholar, writer, educator, and researcher from Buffalo, New York who holds a Ph.D. in American Studies and specializes in gender and LGBTQ studies. He is the creator of the blog Queer History for the People, a columnist for Th-Ink Queerly, a member of the Buffalo-Niagara LGBTQ History Project, and is a founding member of Body Liberated Buffalo, a volunteer-run activist and advocacy group that works for body liberation in Western New York. He first appeared on the Living OUT Podcast in, Jeffry Iovannone: Deconstructing the Ideal Gay Male Body – LOP077.

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References

Stonewall Was Not the Beginning of the Gay Rights MovementThe Participation of Uniformed Police at Toronto Pride in 2019 – LOP089Pride: Party, Protest, Or Both? – LOP004Pride: Should We Party, Protest Or Both?Gay Men and The New Way Forward by Raymond Rigoglioso

Image credit: yosoynuts

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Some time ago I was following up with a coaching client about his challenge of saying “Yes” to too many opportunities. He was getting bogged down in commitments which were distracting from what was most important in his life and career. He felt very uncomfortable saying "no" to someone who asked for his help or advice – which on the one hand is a compliment – but on the other hand, he needed to say “yes” to his own needs, before anyone else.

I’ve spoken about this before in the episode, Saying Yes to Everything Will Get You Nothing You Want – LOP068. I wrote,

Say YES to get your own needs met first. Say YES to what you love about yourself that makes you feel that you are enough. Find ways to say YES to yourself first, when others are used to you saying YES to what they want.

My client and I discussed how to deal with the short term discomfort of saying “no”, versus the long-term regret of saying “yes” to an opportunity or a request for help. It can feel easier and less emotional to say “yes” to someone; they won’t feel bad, upset, or disappointed – if that even bothers them at all. But if you commit to something you don’t want to do or don’t have enough time to do well, you will feel the pain of regret; of having not been able to bear the discomfort of saying, “no”.

Shortly after our exchange, I read a helpful article on the more successful outcome of saying, “I don’t” versus “I can’t” or “No”. In The Simple Neuroscience Of Saying No, Dax Moy explains why saying, “I don’t” is more powerful in the mind.

“I don’t” is a form of self-definition.

Saying, “No” is the other side of saying, “yes” and saying, “I can’t” potentiates self-judgement, weakness, limitation, and denial of something you still believe you want.

While this article is written about the choices you make for yourself, we can expand the use of, “I don’t” into social, academic, or work environments when you face the immediate pressure of someone asking you directly for your help or involvement.

In my client’s case, I suggested what we have previously discussed: know your schedule, your current commitments, and what matters most to you. With that knowledge, practice knowing and feeling what you “don’t do” or “don’t have time for”.

A mentioned in Moy’s article, simple is best. No detailed explanations are required. For example, “Hey Randal, I think you’d be a valuable addition to our board of directors. We just lost a member and we all want you to take her seat.” To which you could respond, “Thanks for thinking of me. I don’t have the time to help this year.” Then change the subject, perhaps asking about their next project or something that immediately deflects into another discussion.

To what have you been saying, "I can't" in your life? How different would that feel for you to instead declare what you “don’t” do?

Image credit: "Don't" by Paul Sableman

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Imagine watching the Pride Parade on a gorgeous, sunny, summer day in Toronto, 2016. You’re smiling, laughing, and feeling part of something bigger than yourself, celebrating love and diversity marching down Yonge Street in Toronto.

Suddenly you hear whistles and a voice on a bull horn shouting demands. A group of people calling themselves Black Lives Matters (BLM) stops the entire Toronto Pride Parade by sitting down on the hot asphalt on Yonge Street, halting the parade for about 45 minutes.

Why did this happen and why does this matter?

Black Lives Matters had many demands that had to do with safety, diversity, representation, and inclusion. They were tired of waiting for Pride Toronto to make things better. Their biggest demand was for Pride Toronto to deny uniformed police to participate in the next year’s Pride – be that marching, being on a float, or having a table at the Pride Street Festival while in uniform.

This week, Doug Ford, the Premiere of Ontario stated that he will not attend Toronto Pride this year until uniformed officers are allowed to participate. The problem with this statement is based in Ford’s bias, prejudice, political posturing, and a complete lack of awareness of his privilege as a white, straight, rich man who has never suffered injustice for freely expressing his identity.

Today’s episode is not for those easily offended.

I hold nothing back, I’m highly critical, but more importantly, I get to the root of the problem and explain why it’s still important that uniformed police not be allowed to attend Toronto Pride – and what LGTBQ members of the police "force" can do to feel included at Pride.

Dive Deeper into this social justice issue:

Listen to the ON Point with host, Alex Pierson, in which she interviews Shaun Proulx: Premier Doug Ford will not attend the Toronto Pride parade.

Read this excellent opinion piece by Joey Viola, SOCIETY :: Black Lives Matter – Toronto Pride 2016

Correction

In the episode, I mistakenly state that Rob Ford always used the excuse that he would not attend Toronto Pride because of his annual Ford Nation BBQ. That was, in fact, held at a different time. Ford never attended Pride based on the excuse that he and his family would be at their cottage during Pride weekend.

Image credit: Tension by Loozrboy

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