But what happens when you turn that question on yourself?

In this episode, Alyssa sits down with Dr. Danica Harris — somatic experiencing practitioner, complex trauma expert, and co-owner of Empowered Healing Dallas — for a conversation about the attachment style nobody talks about enough: the one you have with yourself. Not just whether you trust other people to show up, but whether you trust you.

This isn’t a recap of the attachment quiz you took on Instagram. This is the deeper layer — what it actually looks like to build a secure relationship with yourself, why so many high-functioning women are running on self-rejection without even realising it, and what it looks like to slowly, gently start showing up for yourself in the moments that count.

Alyssa also shares how attending Danica’s somatic retreat in 2023 — and intentionally missing her son’s soccer game to do it — became one of the most pivotal moments in her own healing.

In this episode:

• What secure attachment with yourself actually looks like — and why it’s not about endless self-care breaks or zero accountability
• How insecure attachment shows up in places you’d never expect — like how you negotiate a salary or whether you say yes to a Friday night out
• Why so many of us became unofficial therapists for everyone around us and forgot to tend to ourselves
• Danica’s real-life example: how she nearly said no to a friend, caught herself, and what the internal negotiation actually sounded like
• The difference between trying harder and trying softer — and which one is keeping you stuck
• Why the missing piece for most strong but struggling women isn’t more effort — it’s gentleness

The takeaway: Pick one moment today where you can show up for yourself — not in a grand gesture way, but in a quiet I-heard-you way. Drink the water. Go to the bathroom. Wear something you actually like. Ask yourself what you have capacity for right now. That attunement, practiced over and over, is how secure attachment with yourself actually gets built.

Chapters

00:10 Introducing Dr. Danica Harris

03:40 What attachment actually is — “when I need you, are you there?”

05:19 Turning that question on yourself

06:35 Danica’s journey from relentless self-criticism to self-trust

08:20 The moment at 30 when everything shifted

09:34 Alyssa’s parallel story — codependency and choosing herself

13:07 The conditioning that teaches women to care for others first

18:57 What each attachment style looks like with yourself

21:21 Finding where security already exists before trying to build more

24:30 Attachment styles in a job interview — a real-world example

33:39 Alyssa at Danica’s retreat — and missing the soccer game on purpose

40:47 The comedy show, the Friday night, and the internal negotiation

48:59 Micro moments vs. grand gestures

50:34 Where survival mode still shows up for Danica

52:32 The one thing every strong but struggling woman needs to hear

Connect with Dr. Danica Harris:

Instagram: @theempoweredtherapist

Website: empoweredhealingdallas.com

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Day three: your kid wakes up at 5:30 with a fever. The routine goes out the window. Five days later you’re sleep deprived, behind on work, and the other kid is sniffling. And your brain doesn’t say “that’s just life.” It says: it’s ruined. I can’t do this.

So you skip everything for two weeks. And then you start over from day one.

That’s not a willpower problem. That’s the go-go-go crash cycle. And it’s exactly what happens when we turn regulation into a project.

In this final episode of the Q&A series, Alyssa answers the question: is there actually a sustainable way to regulate? Her honest answer — yes, but not the way most people are trying to do it. She shares what she’s done differently over the last few years that has actually stuck, including the moment in 2023 when she went to her husband completely burned out and he said “I thought you liked doing it all” — and what clicked for her in that moment.

In this episode:

• Why you cannot regulate your nervous system using the same tools that are keeping you stuck — perfectionism, colour coding, and doing the most included
• What regulation actually means — and why it has nothing to do with being cool, calm, and collected
• Why frequency beats intensity — and how a 60-second pause does more than a 30-minute meditation you never actually do
• How to stack regulation onto things you already do instead of building a whole new routine
• Why sometimes the most regulating thing you can do is take something off the list
• Alyssa’s real-life examples: Animal Crossing, walks, overnights with friends, and how her husband has cooked dinner almost every night for two years
• Why one time is enough — and why doing it once on purpose is actually the whole practice

The takeaway: Find one small thing this week that makes you feel more like yourself. Something fun, something creative, something that has no purpose other than the fact that you enjoy it. Do it once. That’s it. Not every day. Once. And let that be enough — because letting one time be enough is the practice.

Chapters

00:08 The regulation routine that fell apart on day three

01:39 The go-go-go crash cycle — and why it keeps repeating

03:05 The question: is there actually a sustainable way to regulate?

05:30 Why turning regulation into a project is the problem

06:23 What regulation actually means

08:37 The car pickup line moment — and why deep breaths aren’t always the answer

15:17 Regulation is not managing yourself every second of the day

15:51 Frequency beats intensity

17:28 Stack it onto what you already do

19:31 What to actually check in on — energy, capacity, vulnerabilities

21:48 Regulation can look like blasting your playlist in the car

22:30 Start with the bar — not 250 pounds

25:10 Sometimes regulation means taking something off the list

27:08 Alyssa’s 2023 crash out — “I thought you liked doing it all”

30:24 How dinner hasn’t been her problem for two years

32:16 Making time for friends — two overnights in one year

34:01 Hobbies, Animal Crossing, coloring books, and walks

36:40 Therapy, support groups, and asking for help

42:03 Your homework: one small thing, one time this week

43:18 Regulation means choosing yourself in small ways, consistently

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And then you notice you're completely avoidant with your mom but spiraling over a text from someone you're dating. Totally secure with your best friend. And you think — wait, which one am I actually?

All of them. Depending on the person, the history, and how safe you've actually felt there.

In this episode, Alyssa breaks down attachment styles the way they actually work — not the quiz version. The one that accounts for the fact that your nervous system is reading every relationship through the lens of what it's been taught to expect. And those lessons aren't the same for every person in your life.

She also gets personal about her two kids and why she attaches to them differently. Why she swore she'd never miss a soccer game, what was really underneath that promise, and what it took to realize her son didn't even remember the games she missed. It was never about him. It was about her wounds.

In this episode:

• Why you can get a completely different attachment style result depending on which relationship you're thinking about — and why that's not a flaw, it's the whole point
• A real breakdown of all four attachment styles — what they look like, where they come from, what's happening in the body
• Why anxious and avoidant people so often end up together — and how each person's survival mode triggers the other's
• How attachment shifts with stress — you might be secure on a normal Tuesday and anxiously attached when you're running on no sleep and your partner wants to go play golf
• Why secure attachment doesn't mean perfect — it means reliable enough and repaired when it breaks
• What to actually try this week instead of taking another quiz

The takeaway: Pick two or three people in your life and ask — what happens in my body when this person goes distant? Do I reach? Do I pull away? Do I feel steady? Don't answer with how you think you should feel. Just notice what your body actually does. That's your attachment pattern. And that's the beginning of understanding it.

Chapters

00:01 The magazine quiz — and why attachment quizzes have the same problem

01:42 You can get a different result with different people — that's the point

05:07 Three scenarios: anxious with a partner, avoidant with a mom, secure with a best friend

10:40 Alyssa on her two kids — why she attaches to them differently

13:40 The soccer games she missed — and what was really underneath the guilt

21:32 Her oldest doesn't remember the games she missed. It was never about him.

23:25 Where attachment research actually started

25:40 Secure attachment: what it looks and feels like

27:53 Anxious attachment: when distance feels like danger

30:31 Avoidant attachment: when closeness feels like a threat

31:44 Disorganized attachment: wanting closeness and fearing it at the same time

33:06 What causes each attachment style

37:36 Why anxious and avoidant people keep finding each other

40:10 How attachment shifts with stress

42:30 Your practice for this week

44:54 How attachment actually changes — through felt experiences, not insight alone

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And then he's sweet again and you feel the pull back in.

So you say it out loud to your friend: isn't this a red flag? And you hear yourself answer: no, it's fine. I think I just have trust issues. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Maybe I'm the problem.

And just like that, you override everything your body was trying to tell you.

Or you go the other way — you spiral. Is this my gut? Is this anxiety? Is this trauma? Am I missing something? And you can't make a decision because you don't trust yourself enough to know which one is which.

In this episode, Alyssa answers one of the most common questions she gets: what is the difference between intuition and a trauma response — and how do you actually tell them apart?

She gets honest about the time she went back to her ex-husband after leaving, how she talked herself into it, and what she was actually being driven by in that moment. She also shares the story of the business coach she hired early on — when she knew it wasn't right, said so out loud, got convinced otherwise, and turned out to be completely correct. Two very different situations. The same pattern underneath.

In this episode:

• Why trauma and intuition can feel identical in the body — and what actually separates them
• How complex trauma (not one big moment, but years of stacked smaller ones) drives decisions you don't even realize you're making
• The steps Alyssa uses with clients to start telling the difference — starting with knowing what safety actually feels like in your body
• Why you need to look at the pattern, not just the moment
• The difference between overcontrolled and undercontrolled nervous systems — and why the same crowd can look like a party to one person and a mob to another
• When the loop of "is this my gut or my anxiety?" is actually fear of making the wrong choice wearing the costume of intuition
• The one thing real intuition will never lead you toward

The takeaway: Next time you feel that knot in your stomach or sense that something is off, don't spiral into which is right or wrong. Just ask: does this feel familiar in a way that's triggering danger? Does that danger actually fit the facts in front of me right now? Is this happening with everyone, or with this specific person in this specific pattern? You don't need the full answer yet. You just need to ask.

Chapters

00:01 Picking up where last week left off — codependency and going back

01:12 This week's question: gut vs. trauma, intuition vs. anxiety

03:34 The dating example — and the moment you override what your body is saying

08:29 Alyssa's story: everything her body was telling her — and why she ignored it

10:07 Going back — and the betrayal that wasn't his, it was hers

11:09 Complex trauma: how stacked smaller moments drove the decision

16:37 How do you actually tell the difference? Step one: know what safety feels like

18:38 Step two: does this feel familiar in a way that's triggering danger?

19:44 Step three: look at the pattern, not just the moment

22:05 When excitement and anxiety feel identical in your body

23:38 The party vs. mob story — same crowd, completely different meaning

24:05 Overcontrolled vs. undercontrolled nervous systems

30:02 When the "is this my gut?" loop is really fear of being wrong

32:15 When shame is wearing the costume of intuition

34:20 What trusting your gut has felt like when it turned out to be right

37:33 The one hill Alyssa will die on: real intuition never leads you toward self-abandonment

40:21 Self-trust isn't always making the right decision

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And nothing changed.

So you start wondering — am I not saying it right? Do I need a better script? A firmer tone? A different approach?

Here's what Alyssa wants you to hear instead: what you're saying isn't the problem. The problem is that you've been giving information without a consequence. And a boundary without a consequence isn't a boundary. It's a request.

In this episode — the first of a new Q&A series — Alyssa answers the question she gets asked almost every week: what do you do when you set a boundary and someone keeps stepping over it anyway? And when does that stop being their problem and start being yours?

She shares the journal entry she found from 2015 — pages of softened, sugarcoated, carefully packaged "boundaries" written for her ex-mother-in-law. The relationship contract she made with her ex-husband so he'd stop calling her names. And the moment she realized that none of it was actually a boundary, because she never once followed through.

In this episode:

• Why people don't keep crossing your boundaries because they didn't hear you — they cross them because they don't believe you
• The difference between a request and a boundary — and why most of what we call boundaries are actually just lists of expectations
• Alyssa's own story: the relationship contract, the journal entry, the ex-in-laws — and what finally changed
• When does someone overstepping stop being their problem and start being yours?
• Why boundaries don't stick — and what's actually underneath people pleasing that nobody talks about
• Why you don't have to set the biggest, most intense boundary right now — and what one small action step actually looks like
• How following through on your own word builds self-trust over time — and why that's the real point of all of this

The takeaway: Think about the one boundary you've stated over and over to the same person with nothing changing. Instead of thinking about how to say it better next time — decide what you will actually do. Not a script. An action. Something within your control that doesn't depend on them hearing you, agreeing with you, or changing. You don't even have to implement it yet. Just decide. That's where it starts.

Chapters

00:38 The bedtime analogy — and what it has to do with the adults in your life

01:41 Welcome to season three: a Q&A series

03:46 This week's question: what do you do when someone keeps crossing your boundary?

04:43 You give an inch, they take a mile — and how you got here

06:29 They hear you. They just don't believe you.

08:11 The relationship contract with her ex-husband — and what happened next

13:34 A request tells someone what you want. A boundary tells them what you'll do.

14:22 The one boundary she finally said — and actually stuck with

16:04 Why leaving once wasn't the end — and what codependency actually looked like

18:53 When does it stop being their problem and start being yours?

21:46 The 2015 journal entry — pages of softened, sugarcoated "boundaries" for her ex-mother-in-law

29:23 The moment she finally stopped relying on them for childcare

31:40 A boundary isn't a sentence you say. It's what you're actually willing to do.

32:37 What's really underneath people pleasing — and why self-trust is the missing piece

35:20 Where have you been giving more information instead of a consequence?

38:08 The way to keep a boundary is with action, not more words

44:03 Your practice this week

47:15 When you can't set the boundary you want — and what to do instead

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Now what?

In this season finale, Alyssa gets practical. No more theory — just the four-step process she uses with her clients every single day to help you actually feel what you're feeling without it becoming a beach ball to the face.

She also walks through a story that will sound uncomfortably familiar. Monday's dishes that didn't get done. Tuesday's meeting where someone took credit for your work. Wednesday's meltdown in the pickup line. Thursday's 4am wake-up. And then on Thursday evening, your husband innocently asks if you can make spaghetti for dinner — and you absolutely lose it.

The explosion was never about spaghetti. It was everything that stacked up all week while you kept pushing through, ignoring the signals, and telling yourself it wasn't a big deal.

Your body was talking to you all week long. You just weren't taught to listen.

In this episode:

• The four-step process to feel your feelings without getting overwhelmed — and why going slow is the actual strategy
• Why "where do you feel it in your body?" can be premature if you've been disconnected from your body for decades — and where to actually start
• External vs. internal body sensations — a full breakdown of what your body does when it's trying to get your attention
• The SUDS scale — why most of us don't catch our emotions until we're already at an 8, 9, or 10, and how to start catching them at a 4
• The spaghetti story — and what Monday through Thursday actually looked like underneath the explosion
• Why validation is often the only thing that's needed — and why it's almost always the thing we skip
• What "the next best thing" actually means — and why it has nothing to do with a grand gesture or a complete overhaul
• Why you don't have to go from a six to a zero — just noticeably different is enough

The takeaway: Notice one body sensation today. That's it. You don't have to know what it means yet. You don't have to fix it or trace it back to childhood. You just notice it. That is the beginning of all of this. And if that feels like too much, go to the bathroom. Drink some water. Put on house shoes. Get under a soft blanket. One small thing that makes you feel just noticeably different. That's the healing.

Chapters

00:04 Wrapping up season two — and getting practical

00:38 The four-step process to feel your feelings without overwhelm

01:13 Why going slow is the actual strategy

02:31 What to do if "where do you feel it?" makes no sense to you

06:55 Step one: notice body sensations — where to start

11:32 External sensations — the things others can see

14:04 Internal sensations — the things only you feel

19:24 The SUDS scale — catching emotions before they hit a 10

22:23 The spaghetti story — Monday through Thursday

30:20 Every signal you missed all week

34:09 Step three: validate

34:57 How we constantly invalidate ourselves — and what to say instead

40:12 Step four: do the next best thing for yourself

41:23 What to do when you don't even know what you need

42:50 It doesn't have to be a grand gesture — just noticeably different

44:42 Circle back: notice how you feel after

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And then — almost immediately — something else shows up.

This is too good to be true. There must be a catch. Things have been going well for too long.

And just like that, the joy is gone.

In this final episode of the emotions series, Alyssa makes the case that joy is one of the hardest emotions to fully experience — not because it's painful, but because for so many of us, our nervous system learned a long time ago that good things come with fine print. She opens with the story of a man at the San Antonio Zoo who told her family they'd won a free vacation. Spoiler: it was a timeshare pitch. And the exact radar that protects you from getting scammed? That same radar is what's cutting your joy short every single time.

She also gets honest about what happened the day she became a business owner — how the excitement lasted maybe a few hours before the doubt crept in, and why she never really gave herself full permission to just sit in that moment.

In this episode:

• Why joy made the difficult emotions list — and what makes it harder to stay in than almost anything else
• Where the "this is too good to be true" belief actually comes from
• How you learned to shrink your wins, quiet your excitement, and keep your joy small so it wouldn't inconvenience anyone
• The difference between borrowed joy and joy that actually belongs to you
• Why preemptively robbing yourself of joy — being mentally back home before the vacation is even over — is more common than anyone admits
• The secondary emotions that show up right behind joy: anxiety, guilt, and the bracing for the shoe to drop
• Why excitement and anxiety feel almost identical in the body — and one small reframe that changes how your nervous system processes it
• What to do when someone asks what brings you joy and your honest answer is silence

The takeaway: This week, find one small moment of joy that is just yours. Don't wait for it to show up — be proactive. Ask yourself what feels fun, what brings you actual joy, not what makes your kids happy or your house feel manageable. And if nothing comes to mind, start with laughter. Find something genuinely funny and let yourself actually laugh. Notice how your body feels after. That's joy. And you're allowed to stay there.

Chapters

00:08 What joy actually feels like — and how long you get to stay there

01:14 The timeshare at the zoo and the radar that cuts joy short

06:49 Why joy is on the difficult emotions list

08:00 Becoming a business owner — and what happened to the joy almost immediately

13:03 Where the suspicion of joy comes from

15:10 When childhood joy was told to knock it off

15:43 Pride and the humble pie that taught you to shrink your wins

18:55 What actually brings you joy? Why so many women go quiet at that question

21:38 Borrowed joy vs. joy that belongs to you

28:06 Preemptively robbing yourself — being back home before the trip is over

34:26 Secondary emotions behind joy: anxiety, guilt, hypervigilance

35:14 Your joy is not a betrayal of someone else's pain

37:35 Excitement vs. anxiety — and why your body can't always tell the difference

42:20 Your practice for this week

45:23 Joy isn't the reward for surviving. It's part of the healing.

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Because the thing that died wasn't a person. It was a version of your life. A version of yourself. Time you didn't get back. Things you yearned for that will never come to be.

And because it didn't come with a funeral, you probably never let yourself call it grief.

In this episode, Alyssa goes into the kind of loss that doesn't get acknowledged — the chapter of your life you never got to have, the relationship that turned out to be something completely different than what you were promised, the version of yourself that existed before the trauma. She shares her own grief around her early twenties — getting pregnant at 21, skipping an entire chapter of life that most people get, and now at 37, doing the self-discovery work she never got to do back then. And she's very clear: loving her son and grieving that lost chapter are not competing emotions. Both can be true at the same time.

She also gets into loneliness — not just the obvious kind, but the kind that makes no sense because you're surrounded by people who love you and still feel completely unseen. And the third kind almost nobody names: the disconnection from yourself.

In this episode:

• Why the five stages of grief were never the full picture — and what grief actually looks like when it's all over the place at once
• The grief that doesn't require death to be real — and why you've probably been calling it something else
• Secondary losses: the things you lose that are attached to the main loss that blindside you months later when you thought you were already over it
• Alyssa's personal grief: the loss of her early twenties and the version of herself she never got to become
• Why gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out — and how forcing the silver lining too early just shoves the feeling back down
• The three types of loneliness — and why the most common one makes no sense on paper
• How grief and loneliness show up in your body when you've never had language for them

The takeaway: This week, name one loss that you've never let yourself call grief because it wasn't a death. Say it out loud or write it down. Notice what happens in your body when you actually call it what it is. And if you want to go further, name one of the secondary losses that came with it — the thing that snuck up on you later, the thing nobody thought to acknowledge. It doesn't need to be the worst thing that ever happened to you to be real. If it mattered and now it's gone, it counts.

Chapters

00:07 The grief that doesn't come with a funeral

02:34 The losses that don't get a casserole — and why we don't call them grief

05:15 The five stages of grief — and what we know now that changes everything

09:30 Alyssa's grief: spending most of her life being who other people needed her to be

11:18 The loss of her early twenties — and why loving her son and grieving that chapter aren't opposites

13:11 Gratitude and grief can exist at the same time

16:03 How grief shows up as a complex web of emotions at once

22:30 Secondary loss — everything you lose that's attached to the main loss

25:29 Why grief hits in waves — and why "I should be over this by now" is never true

30:11 Loneliness and grief — why they almost always arrive together

31:40 The three types of loneliness

34:35 Examples of grief that don't look like grief

41:08 None of these have to be the worst thing that's ever happened to you to be valid

41:59 Your practice for this week

44:03 You don't have to make it mean something yet

46:30 It's not letting the loss get the final word

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But here's what nobody says about her.

Underneath every single one of those behaviors, there's a part of her that is genuinely afraid. And she's doing the only thing she knows how to do to manage that fear — trying to control the outcome.

In this episode, Alyssa makes the case that jealousy and envy are two of the most misunderstood emotions we have. Not character flaws. Not evidence that you're petty or ungrateful or a bad friend. A map — back to the things you want, the things you're afraid of losing, and the things you never had in the first place.

She shares her own experience going through infertility during COVID while it felt like literally everyone around her — friends, clients, neighbors, and yes, even her neighbor's dog — was getting pregnant. What it felt like to genuinely want her best friend's pregnancy announcement to be hers. And how she learned that you can be happy for someone and heartbroken for yourself at exactly the same time.

In this episode:

• The difference between jealousy and envy — they come from the same family but have completely different jobs
• Why the jealous girlfriend's behavior actually makes complete sense when you know what's underneath it
• How envy points directly to the thing you want that you haven't let yourself fully go after yet
• Why comparison isn't always the thief of joy — and how envy is actually the reason Alyssa finally started this podcast
• The guilt that shows up immediately after jealousy or envy — and why that guilt is just shame doing what shame does
• How to tell the difference between a fear that's inherited from past experiences and a threat that actually needs your attention
• The envy that comes from relationships you never got — and why that one is really grief in disguise

The takeaway: This week, notice a moment of jealousy or envy without judging yourself for it. Then ask: what does this point to that I really want? What am I afraid of losing? What have I never fully let myself name out loud? Finish this sentence: my jealousy makes sense because ___. My envy makes sense because ___. These emotions aren't evidence that something is wrong with you. They're information about what matters most.

Chapters

00:04 The jealous girlfriend — and what nobody says about her

02:08 What jealousy actually is — and why it's fear-based, not flaw-based

04:15 Jealousy vs. envy: the distinction that matters

08:42 Alyssa's story: infertility during COVID when everyone around her was pregnant

13:11 Being happy for someone and heartbroken for yourself at the same time

16:38 The "at least you already have a baby" invalidation — and why it didn't make the want go away

17:35 The beliefs we attach to the thing we want — and how that keeps us stuck

26:55 Noticing what you say to yourself the moment jealousy or envy shows up

31:07 The guilt that arrives right behind the envy

33:20 What jealousy feels like when your best friend gets a new best friend

35:02 Envy as a map to what you want — and haven't let yourself go after

41:11 When comparison is actually useful — and when it isn't

43:22 The reason Alyssa finally started this podcast (envy)

45:38 What jealousy and envy feel like in the body

48:38 Your practice for this week

50:27 The envy that's really grief — relationships you never got

52:37 What to ask yourself instead of "what's wrong with me"

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At least you learned something. At least it wasn't worse. At least, at least, at least.

And sometimes it's not even you doing it. It's the people around you who are so uncomfortable with your disappointment that they rush you straight to the silver lining before you've had a chance to just… feel it.

But sometimes things just suck. And you're allowed to let them suck before you reach for gratitude.

In this episode, Alyssa covers both sides of disappointment — the kind that happens to you, and the kind you are so terrified of causing in someone else that you'll override your own needs almost every time to prevent it. She shares her own story of working at her dream job, showing up early, changing her schedule, building curriculum from scratch — and being passed over for a promotion anyway. Twice. And what clicked when the same position was later given to someone less qualified than her.

In this episode:

• Why rushing straight to gratitude might be robbing you of the one thing disappointment actually needs — to be named
• What "voluntary disappointment" is and how we set ourselves up for the letdown by trusting someone who's already shown us who they are
• The phrase Alyssa hears from clients that tells her immediately someone is abandoning their own needs: "I don't ask for much"
• Why we turn disappointment inward and make it about ourselves — and why that's actually a control strategy
• The other kind of disappointment: being so afraid of causing it in someone else that you relocate it onto yourself every time
• What disappointment feels like in your body — and what it's actually trying to tell you about your values
• Why all roads can lead to shame — and how disappointment is one of them if you're not careful

The takeaway: The next time you feel disappointment, resist the urge to reach for gratitude first. Just name it. "That was disappointing. And it makes sense that it hurt." Then ask: where does this point to what's important to me? What did this cost me? What does it tell me about where I was placing my trust? You don't have to fix anything yet. Just let it be disappointing first.

Chapters

00:03 Why disappointment is the emotion we dismiss fastest

02:12 Sometimes things just suck — and you're allowed to feel that

03:44 The two kinds of disappointment nobody talks about enough

04:20 Alyssa's story: her dream job, showing up fully, and being passed over anyway

09:54 Silver lining as a survival strategy — and what it costs you

13:47 When the job cares more about itself than it ever cared about you

15:11 Pouring into something that was never built to pour back

16:43 Voluntary disappointment — expecting someone to change who hasn't tried

19:39 Why we turn it inward and make it a "me problem"

20:54 The disappointment you're terrified of causing in someone else

22:43 Saying yes when you mean no — and relocating the disappointment onto yourself

24:49 "I don't ask for much" — the phrase that tells Alyssa everything

27:12 Why disappointment rarely shows up alone

29:39 What disappointment feels like in your body

33:33 Forced positivity and toxic gratitude

35:39 What disappointment done right actually tells you

37:58 Reciprocity — and why it's become non-negotiable

40:54 Your practice for this week

41:58 Questions to sit with instead of rushing to the lesson

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If you've asked yourself even one of those questions — in the middle of the night, in the car, in the bathroom with the door locked — you already know what this episode is about.

Underneath all of it, there is one belief running the whole show: if people knew who I truly was, they would reject me.

That's shame. And in this episode, Alyssa is going all the way in.

She covers shame and guilt together — because most of us use those words interchangeably when they are two completely different experiences. Guilt is about what you did. Shame is about who you are. And by the end of this episode, Alyssa wants that distinction to be permanent for you.

She also shares her own story — not one big moment, but the way shame built quietly over years. A boyfriend who cheated in high school and the question she asked wasn't "what's wrong with him?" It was "what's wrong with me?" The Christian groups in college where her real struggles were too much to say out loud. Getting pregnant, feeling like a complete failure, hiding how bad things actually were because she thought she deserved to lay in the bed she'd made. The years of proving, perfecting, and performing — trying to outrun a belief that was never going to be outrun that way.

In this episode:

• Why guilt and shame are not the same — and why the difference matters more than you think
• How shame is actually a protective emotion rooted in our need to belong — and when it stops protecting and starts running you
• Why you cannot perform your way out of a belief that lives underneath the performance
• How shame thrives in secrecy — and what happens the moment it gets spoken to even one safe person
• The impossible, contradictory shoulds women are handed and why you were always going to "fail" at holding all of them
• What guilt overdrive looks like — and why it never lets you off the hook even after you've made amends
• What shame and guilt actually feel like in your body — and why they land completely differently

The takeaway: So much of the shame you've been carrying was never built on your own values. It was built on shoulds you inherited — from family, community, culture — that you never got to question. This week, instead of asking what is wrong with me, ask: are the rules I'm living by actually mine? Did I choose them? You cannot feel like a failure by your own standard if you never got to set the standard.

Chapters

00:02 The one belief underneath every shame spiral

02:09 Guilt vs. shame: the distinction that changes everything

03:10 How shame builds quietly over years

05:43 The question Alyssa asked herself when her boyfriend cheated

11:09 Borrowing values instead of building your own

16:19 Getting pregnant — and shame hitting like a freight train

20:49 Proving, perfecting, performing — and why it never works

22:47 Shame cannot survive being seen

28:12 The impossible, contradictory shoulds women carry

32:11 Guilt overdrive — the apologizing that never resolves

33:55 What guilt vs. shame feels like in your body

43:15 Is there a healthy version of shame?

46:52 The shoulds you inherited were never yours to carry

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She prayed for patience. She tried to communicate better. She pushed it down, shoved it under, told herself she was overreacting. She convinced herself that forgiveness and letting go were the things that were going to set her free.

They weren't. Her anger was.

In this episode, Alyssa goes all the way into anger and resentment — two emotions that are almost always connected, almost always misunderstood, and almost always the ones women are most conditioned to apologize for. She shares the specific moment in 2017 that finally let her anger loose — what she heard on a FaceTime call while folding laundry, working three jobs, receiving no child support — and what happened when she stopped trying to contain it and let it guide her for the first time.

This is not an episode about managing your anger. It's about finally understanding what she's been trying to tell you.

In this episode:

• The difference between anger and resentment — and why one is a moment and the other is a decade of moments with nowhere to go
• Why anger isn't the villain — it's a protector that's been ignored for so long she had to start screaming
• Alyssa's story: the FaceTime call, the Disney princess mug in the kitchen sink, and the moment her anger finally stopped being pushed down
• Why forgiveness isn't always the answer — and how giving herself permission to not forgive is what actually set her free
• The volcano analogy — why eruptions aren't an anger problem, they're what happens when emotions have no safe outlet for years
• Primary vs. secondary anger — sometimes anger is the whole message, and sometimes it's protecting something more vulnerable underneath
• How anger was modeled in your childhood and why that's still shaping how you deal with it today
• What to do with anger in your body — because it's one of the most physically felt emotions we have and it needs somewhere to go

The takeaway: When did you last feel angry, frustrated, or irritable? Don't judge it. Just get curious. What triggered it — a boundary crossed, something unfair, feeling dismissed or mistreated? Did you push it down and tell yourself you were being dramatic? Or did it eventually come out sideways? Finish this sentence this week: my anger makes sense because ___. Fill it in. Give her the validation she's been waiting for.

Chapters

00:01 Why anger was the emotion most of you said you struggle with most

01:40 Alyssa's relationship with anger — and why she thought it was keeping her stuck

04:40 What anger actually is — and why we're taught to minimize, apologize for, and get over it

06:30 The distinction between anger and resentment

08:36 Alyssa's story: praying for patience while resentment quietly built

10:44 Shoving it down — until the Disney princess mug didn't survive

13:18 The beach ball and anger: you can only hold it under for so long

16:14 The FaceTime call in 2017 that changed everything

23:48 The moment anger guided her back to herself — for the first time

25:34 Why not forgiving was what actually set her free

28:44 Anger isn't random — it always has a trigger and a reason

30:46 DBT emotion regulation and what anger is actually trying to do

35:07 The physical experience of anger in the body

37:01 How anger was modeled in childhood — and how that's still running the show

39:27 The fear of becoming the person whose anger scared you

41:50 Resentment — where suppressed anger goes to live

46:22 Anger as protector, not villain

48:00 The volcano analogy

49:25 Primary anger vs. secondary anger

52:12 How to start having a healthier relationship with anger

56:11 How to discharge anger physically — movement, sound, shaking, venting

58:42 What to do if opening up feels like Pandora's box

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And you're still stuck.

That's not a failure. That's not a sign you haven't done enough work. That's the difference between understanding your emotions and actually processing them. And most of us were never taught that those are two completely different things.

In this episode, Alyssa introduces the somatics of emotions — where feelings actually live when you push them down, what happens in your body when your head is convinced it's handled, and why knowing more will never be the thing that finally gets you unstuck.

She opens with the beach ball analogy. You know the one — both hands pushing it underwater, holding it down, until your grip slips and it bonks you right in the face. That's what happens when we suppress instead of process. And that's exactly why so many women decide it's safer to feel nothing at all.

Alyssa also shares her own experience of spending years as a therapist understanding trauma, naming patterns, helping clients move through their pain — while quietly intellectualizing her own. Knowing everything. Feeling safe in the knowing. And not realizing that understanding had become the workaround.

In this episode:

• The beach ball analogy — and why suppressing your feelings guarantees they'll come back harder
• Why understanding your emotions and processing your emotions are not the same thing
• The difference between marinating in a feeling and actually sitting with it
• You are the sky. Your emotions are the weather. What that actually means in practice.
• Why coping skills can keep you stuck in your head instead of moving through what's in your body
• What Alyssa's own therapy session last week looked like — and why she and her therapist ended up swaying together on a telehealth call
• Why the first step to processing isn't feeling everything at once — it's feeling just enough at a level your body can actually hold

The takeaway: Next time you start to feel overwhelmed, try the sky and weather visualization. You are the sky. Whatever is happening — the anxiety, the grief, the tension in your chest — that's the weather. It's passing through you. It's not you. Can you separate yourself from it just a little? Can you notice it without becoming it? That small shift — that's where processing actually begins.

Chapters

00:01 Why understanding your emotions isn't enough

00:50 The beach ball analogy — what happens when you push feelings down

02:58 Where do your feelings actually go when you suppress them?

04:32 Alyssa's story: years of understanding trauma without realizing she wasn't feeling it

09:04 How knowing became the safe workaround — and why it keeps you stuck

15:30 Understanding lives in your head. Healing lives in your body.

18:00 The "hurry up and heal" feeling — and why it makes complete sense

20:44 The difference between marinating in a feeling and sitting with it

22:17 You are the sky. Your emotions are the weather.

25:31 What it actually means to process an emotion instead of suppress it

26:39 What Alyssa's telehealth therapy session looked like last week

28:29 The tension in your chest, the lump in your throat — you can't think your way out of those

30:12 The takeaway: knowing isn't the same as processing

31:25 The sky and weather visualization in practice

36:08 Who Her Steady Circle is for and what happens inside

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They never saw the bear. But for the rest of that hike, every rustle in the trees, every sound from the brush — her body responded like it was already there. Heart racing. Senses on high alert. Running through exactly what she'd do if it showed up.

That's anxiety. Not a character flaw. Not catastrophizing. Not being dramatic. Your nervous system running a safety protocol for a threat that hasn't happened yet — because it has happened before. And your body learned that being prepared hurt less than being caught off guard.

In this episode, Alyssa goes into anxiety from the inside out. Not the version about challenging your thoughts or stopping worst-case scenarios. The real version — where it actually lives, what it's actually doing, and why telling yourself to just relax is probably the least helpful thing anyone has ever said to you.

In this episode:

• Why your nervous system can't tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived one — and why that's not a flaw, it's the whole point
• How chaos and unpredictability in the past train your body to scan for danger everywhere — even in the lighting of a room
• Why over-planning, over-controlling, and researching everything until 2am isn't a bad habit — it's a nervous system trying to keep you safe
• The anxiety that doesn't look like anxiety: re-reading texts five times before sending, backup plans for your backup plans, a life that looks fine but a body that never fully exhales
• What stress hormones actually do to every major organ in your body when anxiety runs chronically
• Alyssa's personal stories — an unpredictable marriage where the rug got pulled out repeatedly, and going through IVF and the specific kind of anxiety that comes with tracking everything and still controlling nothing
• The one question to stop asking — and the one to replace it with

The takeaway: Next time anxiety shows up, stop asking "what more do I need to know to feel in control?" and start asking "what does my body need right now in order to feel safe?" Those are completely different questions. One sends you further into research and preparation that will never feel like enough. The other brings you back into your body, into this moment, into what is actually true right now. Try it once this week — and notice what comes up.

Chapters

00:01 The bear on the trail — and what it has to do with anxiety

03:44 What anxiety actually is (and why your body is not broken for having it)

06:01 Alyssa's story: an unpredictable marriage and a body that stopped waiting to be surprised

08:53 Real threat vs. perceived threat — and why your nervous system doesn't know the difference

10:32 What's actually happening in your brain when anxiety fires

13:42 How anxiety shows up in ways you don't recognize as anxiety

15:32 Over-controlling and over-preparing — and why our culture rewards it

16:54 When hypervigilance is also genuinely useful — and where it still gets you stuck

18:17 IVF, infertility, and the anxiety of tracking everything while controlling nothing

21:45 Control feels safe. Letting go feels more dangerous than the exhaustion of holding on.

24:04 What chronic anxiety does to your body physically

27:18 Your brain running worst-case scenarios like a movie — and why it can't stop

31:47 There is no such thing as enough certainty

32:10 The shift: stop asking what you need to know, start asking what your body needs right now

35:10 The zebra analogy — what it looks like to only respond to what's actually real

37:06 Why this is almost impossible to do alone

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Not the reflex answer. Not "good" or "fine" or "just really overwhelmed." If you had to put something more specific than that — what would you actually say?

For most of us, the answer is: I don't know. Not because we aren't feeling anything. But because somewhere between being a toddler who cried in Target without apologizing for it and being the woman who holds it all together in every room — we got taught to sort our feelings into three categories. Good. Fine. Bad. And we stopped looking any deeper than that.

This season, that changes.

Season two of the Strong But Struggling Podcast is going emotion by emotion. Not to make you feel more, but to finally give you the words for what is already there. Because the feelings you've been muting, minimizing, and converting into productivity or over-apologizing or deep cleaning your entire house — they didn't go anywhere. Your body has been storing them and getting louder in a language you don't recognize as feelings anymore.

That's what this season is about. Learning to listen.

Alyssa opens with her own story — the toxic Christian Bible study where she learned her real struggles were too much to say out loud, the marriage where her completely appropriate reactions were called crazy, the years of holding space for her clients' emotions every single day while completely ignoring her own — and what it actually cost her.

In this episode:

• Why your body's alarm system keeps getting louder — and why it's not random
• How you learned to grade your feelings as good or bad instead of asking what they're actually trying to tell you
• The thing no one ever told you: there is no such thing as a bad feeling
• What anger, jealousy, numbness, grief, and rage are actually trying to communicate — and why they're not the enemy
• Why you can understand your patterns perfectly and still have no idea what you're feeling in your body
• What secondary emotions are and why you rarely feel just one thing at a time
• The practice for this week — and how to get Alyssa's emotion pinwheel sent directly to you

The takeaway: This week, just start collecting words. When someone asks how you are — or when you catch yourself reaching for "fine" — try to say something different. A body sensation counts. "Heavy" counts. "Like I want to crawl into a hole" absolutely counts. You don't have to know what to do with it yet. You're just learning to name it. That's where this all starts.

Chapters

00:01 How are you actually feeling? The question most of us can't answer

01:29 What season two is about and why emotions come first

04:07 The moment someone asked how you were doing and you said "fine"

06:42 What happens in your body every time you mute a feeling

08:33 When the alarm gets louder — chronic pain, insomnia, snapping, spiraling

10:26 Alyssa's story: the Bible study, the marriage, and learning that her emotions were too much

17:58 Leaving and going into go-go-go mode — holding space for everyone else while ignoring herself

20:14 How we learned to sort feelings into good and bad — starting in childhood

24:44 There is no such thing as a bad feeling

26:28 Secondary emotions — feeling an emotion about your emotion

28:17 The whole season in one sentence

29:36 What emotions have you been calling bad that were just uncomfortable?

34:15 This season is not about feeling more — it's about finally getting the words

37:18 Your practice for the week

38:59 How to get the emotion pinwheel

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And before we go any further — thank you. For getting in the car with me. For doing the dishes with me. For showing up week after week, even when the topics hit places you weren't totally ready to look at.

That means something.

This episode is a little different. Alyssa is closing out season one with the seven truths that have made the biggest difference in her own life — not the things she learned from a book, but the things she had to live through before they actually landed. The ones she wishes someone had handed her back when she was in grad school, pregnant, in an abusive marriage, holding it all together on the outside while quietly unraveling inside.

If you've been doing the right things and still feel stuck, this episode is the one to save.

In this episode:

• Why survival mode doesn't always look like chaos — sometimes it looks like the most competent, put-together woman in the room
• Why discipline, planning, and willpower will never fix what is actually a nervous system problem
• What distress tolerance actually means (hint: it is not getting better at handling more)
• Why you don't have to forgive people who did unforgivable things in order to move on — and what happened when Alyssa finally stopped trying to
• The real reason you can't stop even when you're running on empty — and why that vacation didn't fix it
• The difference between rest you choose and rest your body takes from you because you never gave it a chance
• Why healing alone is why you keep starting over — and what co-regulation actually looks like in practice

The takeaway: One of these seven truths probably landed harder than the others. That's the one to sit with this week. You don't have to do anything with it yet. Just notice it. Let it be true for a second without immediately trying to fix it or think your way out of it. That noticing — that's already the work.

Chapters

00:10 Ten episodes in — thank you for being here

01:59 Why Alyssa made this podcast and what this season has been about

02:56 Her story: grad school, an abusive marriage, and trying to think her way through all of it

09:12 Truth #1: Survival mode doesn't always look like chaos — sometimes it looks like competence

13:28 Truth #2: Discipline won't fix what your body is protecting you from

17:49 Truth #3: Distress tolerance isn't learning to handle more — it's learning to come back to yourself

20:19 Truth #4: You don't have to forgive people who did unforgivable things

24:27 Truth #5: Most burnout isn't from doing too much — it's from never feeling safe enough to stop

26:33 Truth #6: The rest you're getting probably isn't real rest

29:17 Microdosing regulation — why small shifts matter more than big resets

31:07 Truth #7: Healing alone is why you keep starting over

35:24 The workshop moment — the woman who hadn't showered in five days and the room that understood

38:06 What's coming in season two

45:09 Her Steady Circle membership — what it is and how to join

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You repair it. You apologize. You do the thing you never got. And it's real, and it matters.

But there's another voice. She doesn't care about the repair. She wants to know why you keep doing this, why you need so many repairs, why no matter how hard you try, you sound more like your mom than you want to admit.

That voice is the inner critic. And in this episode, Alyssa isn't going to teach you how to silence her, argue with her, or replace her with positive thoughts. She's going to show you something most people miss entirely: your inner critic has a job. She's not your enemy. She's a protector running someone else's script — and once you understand what she's actually protecting you from, your relationship with her changes completely.

Alyssa shares the story of meeting her now-husband at 28, after years of healing work, and introducing herself by listing every "bad" thing about her — nagging, controlling, a bitch — like a disclaimer. It wasn't until she'd been in a safe relationship long enough to notice those traits never actually showed up that she realized: she had been introducing herself using her ex's words. Her inner critic had absorbed someone else's cruelty so completely that it had started sounding like self-awareness.

In this episode:

• Where the inner critic actually comes from — and why it rarely traces back to just one source
• The difference between being regulated and being calm 100% of the time (it's not what you think)
• Why your inner critic gets louder, not quieter, every time you try to fight her
• Alyssa's story of giving her now-husband a "warning label" about herself before they even started dating
• Why getting yourself first feels safer than being caught off guard by someone else's criticism
• The real work: not silencing the critic, but asking her what she's afraid will happen if she stops

The takeaway: The next time that voice shows up, get curious instead of combative. Ask her: what are you protecting me from right now? What are you afraid will happen if you stop? Usually the answer is fear of rejection, fear of being "too much," fear of being caught off guard. You don't have to agree with her or fight her. You just have to hear her — that's how she finally gets to rest.

Chapters

00:00 The moment you hear yourself sound like someone else

03:02 Meet the inner critic — and why we're not trying to silence her

06:21 Where the inner critic's voice actually comes from

09:34 When criticism is dressed up as caring

10:55 The societal voice — impossible standards, absent support

14:38 What "being regulated" actually means

18:00 Alyssa's story: the disclaimer she gave her now-husband

23:51 Realizing the traits she warned him about never showed up

24:50 A different way to relate to your inner critic — validate, don't fight

29:41 What your inner critic is actually afraid of

35:24 Whose voice is that, really?

40:00 How to practice getting curious instead of combative

44:24 The deeper work in Reclaim Your Steady

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Of course not. Their worse injury doesn't fix yours.

And yet that's exactly what you do with your own pain. If someone else has it worse, you don't bring it up. If someone else has fewer resources, you tell yourself you don't have the right to struggle. So you keep walking around on a broken leg, calling it fine, telling yourself you just need to be more grateful.

In this episode, Alyssa names something that so many women have lived but never had language for — the way pain gets minimized by the people who are supposed to support you, the way empathy gets used against you the moment it points inward instead of outward, and what happens when this gets done to you enough times that you eventually start doing it to yourself.

Alyssa shares her own story from after her divorce — accepting childcare help from her ex-in-laws that looked like support on the surface but came with control, comparison, and a Harvard study about what divorce does to kids, while never once acknowledging what addiction does to a child. She unpacks why she could name every clinical dynamic at play and still stayed stuck in it, and what it actually took to let herself feel it instead of just explain it.

In this episode:

• The "at least" minimization — why comparing your pain to someone else's "worse" situation isn't perspective, it's invalidation
• How to spot help that isn't really help: support that comes with control, conditions, or someone else's agenda attached
• Alyssa's story of accepting childcare help from her ex-in-laws after leaving an abusive marriage — and what it actually cost her
• Why your empathy is only celebrated when it benefits someone else, and gets called "too much" the moment it turns toward your own needs
• The difference between understanding why someone couldn't show up for you and needing them to have shown up anyway
• Why grief and compassion aren't opposites — you're allowed to hold both for the same person at the same time

The takeaway: Finish this sentence this week — "I've extended compassion to this person for this thing, and I've never extended the same compassion to myself for what it cost me." You don't have to remove anyone from the equation. You're just adding yourself into it.

Chapters

00:00 The broken leg analogy

02:04 How minimizing your pain gets taught to you by others, then becomes your own habit

07:13 Extending grace to someone who hurt you — and what it costs

09:11 The complicated grief of figuring out parenting without ever being parented

12:38 Why empathy is only valued when it benefits someone else

14:29 Alyssa's story: childcare help from her ex-in-laws after leaving an abusive marriage

22:00 Naming the dynamics clinically vs. actually feeling them

25:38 The "at least" minimization

29:33 Help that isn't really help — support with conditions attached

31:39 Why women get trapped in caregiving roles

33:21 Noticing who only calls you "too sensitive" when it doesn't serve them

35:31 Where are you extending compassion you've never given yourself?

38:25 Holding both compassion and grief at the same time

41:34 Your practice for the week

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Maybe it's the one from three days ago that you've been editing ever since — what you should have said, what they probably thought, whether you overshared. Maybe it's the one you haven't had yet, the one you've already rehearsed six different ways, including the part where he misunderstands you and how you'll clarify. Maybe it's the argument you're having in the shower with someone who doesn't even know there's an issue.

And while all of that is running in the background, you are also tracking your partner's mood when he walks through the door, whether your kid is off today and what that means for bedtime, whether your mom seemed short on the phone and if it was about you. You are running a full emotional weather service for every single person in your life.

And nobody — including you — is checking the forecast for you.

In this episode, Alyssa gets into the deeper layer of the mental and emotional load. Not just the schedules and the lunches and the dentist appointments — the invisible labor that doesn't live on any to-do list. The constant tracking, anticipating, pre-managing, and monitoring that has been running since the moment you woke up, at a cost no one is acknowledging.

Including you.

In this episode:

• The invisible workload that lives underneath the physical one — and why it's more exhausting than anything on your list
• Why you can tell anyone exactly how the people around you are doing, but go blank when someone asks how you are
• The story of the client who could read the temperature of every person in her life — and had no idea what her own was
• How being a highly sensitive person in an unpredictable environment taught you to attune outward so completely that your own signal got lost in the noise
• Why you're exhausted at 6pm — not from what you did, but from everything you've been tracking since you woke up
• Why the shower arguments and the rehearsed conversations aren't neurotic — they're your nervous system doing the job it learned when being prepared was how you stayed safe

The takeaway: Once today, before you check on anyone else, check on yourself first. Before you ask your partner how their day was, before you read the room at pickup, before you assess anyone's mood — ask yourself: how am I doing? What do I need? It doesn't have to be deep. Maybe you're thirsty. Maybe you're cold. Maybe you just need to put both feet on the floor and take a breath. You don't have to fix anything. You're just practicing the habit of adding yourself to the list.

Chapters

00:00 The conversations you're having in your head — all day, every day

02:06 Running a full emotional weather service for everyone around you

04:37 The invisible workload underneath the physical one

08:44 "I know everyone's temperature — but I don't know my own"

10:20 How an unpredictable parent teaches you to track instead of feel

11:54 Being a highly sensitive person in an environment that called it too much

16:05 When attuning to others goes into overdrive

17:07 Hypervigilance as a nervous system adaptation, not a character flaw

23:50 Why you're out of bandwidth by 6pm

25:06 Why you rehearse, replay, and pre-manage — and what it's actually costing you

27:12 How are you actually doing?

29:21 Putting yourself on the list

31:46 Sensitivity isn't the problem — it's where it's always been pointed

35:06 Your practice for the week

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And you want to be that woman. You really do.

So you walk into the conversation with your talking points ready. You know exactly what you're going to say. And somehow — you don't even know how it happens so fast — you walk out having agreed to the thing, comforted the person, and completely abandoned yourself in the process.

And now you're standing in your kitchen wondering what is wrong with you.

Nothing is wrong with you. Your nervous system did exactly what it was trained to do. And "no is a complete sentence" was never going to override that.

In this episode:

• Why you keep walking out of hard conversations having agreed to the opposite of what you came in to say
• The fawn response — what it actually is and why it shows up hardest when someone is being nice
• Alyssa's own story of knowing exactly what to say, having the notes, having the pep talk — and still getting completely pulled back in
• The difference between a boundary and a request (and why most of what we call boundaries are actually just requests)
• Why boundaries aren't something you either have or you don't — they're a muscle, and you've been trying to max out without ever lifting the five-pound weights
• Micro boundaries to start practicing this week — no confrontation required

The takeaway: Pick one situation this week where you would normally default to yes. Not the hardest one. The small one. Try "let me check my schedule and get back to you" instead of answering on the spot. That's it. You're not becoming a different person. You're just buying yourself enough time to get out of the fawn response and figure out what you actually want to say.

Chapters

00:00 Why the "no is a complete sentence" advice keeps failing you

02:08 What actually happens in your body mid-conversation

03:43 People pleasing as a nervous system response, not a personality flaw

05:39 The inner conflict between your values and your boundaries

13:24 The fawn response explained

17:14 Alyssa's personal story: knowing better and still getting pulled back in

22:38 Why boundaries are a practice, not a switch you flip

28:24 What a boundary actually is (and what it isn't)

35:20 Micro boundaries: starting with the five-pound weights

48:11 The nuance — when explaining yourself is actually okay

52:15 Your practice for the week

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Apply for Reclaim

Catch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth

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Main Topics:

• The difference between awareness and embodiment in change
• How patterns are stored in the body, not just in thoughts
• The myth of discipline and the role of nervous system regulation
• The impact of watching and modeling behavior, especially in family
• Practical steps: connecting with your body and creating a personalized "recipe" for healing
• The importance of community and relational healing in sustainable change

Timestamps:

• 00:00 - 02:00: Introduction and grocery store analogy
• 02:01 - 04:00: Closet analogy and pattern storage
• 04:01 - 06:00: Awareness vs. embodiment
• 06:01 - 10:00: Over-identifying with stress
• 10:01 - 14:00: Modeling behavior and family influence
• 14:01 - 18:00: Recipe analogy and embodied change
• 18:01 - 22:00: Recognizing conditioned patterns
• 22:01 - 33:03: Program announcement and practical tips

In this episode:

• Explains that behaviors like procrastination and self-sabotage are not rooted in laziness but in deeper pattern storage
• Introduces the concept that anxiety, overwhelm, and stress are stored in the body, not just in the mind
• Highlights how upbringing and environment shape our automatic responses and patterns
• Uses the analogy of baking a cake to differentiate between knowing about change and experiencing it fully
• Emphasizes the importance of sensing your body's signals and grounding into bodily awareness
• Encourages building a supportive community and reprogramming in relational spaces
• Announces the relaunch of the "Reclaim Your Steady" 12-week program designed to help women feel steady amid life's chaos
• Provides practical tips: noticing where stress shows up physically, and ways to start connecting with your body's response

Resources & Links:

• Reclaim Your Steady Program Application
• Aligned Living Membership

Connect with Alyssa:

• Instagram
• Website

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the go-go-go crash cycle. The one where you run yourself completely into the ground, hit the wall, feel guilty about hitting the wall, get back up, and do it all over again. The one that looks like productivity and ambition from the outside — and feels like barely surviving from the inside.

In this episode Alyssa gets into the cycle that shame from Episode 3 actually creates. Because shame doesn't just sit there. It drives something. It keeps you moving so you never have to stop and feel it. It fills every margin so completely there's no room left for gas — which is why some of you are driving on five miles and calling it fine.

Alyssa shares the story of taking her dog to physical therapy twice a week while ignoring her own significant postpartum back and pelvic pain. And the moment ten months postpartum when she finally hit her breaking point and asked her husband for help — and he looked at her and said: "I thought you liked doing everything."

Not with cruelty. With complete sincerity. Because she had been doing everything without complaint for so long it looked like a choice.

If you're stuck in the go, go, go rhythm and feeling guilty about slowing down, this episode is your wake-up call.

In this episode:

• The go-go-go crash cycle — what it actually is and why a better planner will never fix it
• Why the go-go-go is not ambition — it's avoidance with an impressive to-do list
• The connection between the need to control everything and a dysregulated nervous system
• Why the crash is not weakness — it's the only break you ever give yourself
• The dog PT story — funny, painful, and the most relatable thing Alyssa has ever shared
• Why asking for help is not the crash — it's what prevents it

The takeaway: Find one thing this week that you have been putting off doing for yourself. Not for your kids, your house, or your job. For you. The doctor's appointment. The PT referral. The thing you keep moving to next week. Do that one thing. Not because you've earned it. Because you have a dog who got PT before you did and it's time.

Chapters:

00:00 - Alyssa’s realization and need for change

05:05 - Understanding and breaking the cycle

17:25 - Community and support networks

30:51 - Embracing pause and reflection

Resources & Links:

• Living Aligned Collective — Join Alyssa’s community for ongoing support
• Reclaim Program — Deep dive into healing from burnout and control
• Alyssa Booth on Instagram — For direct connection and support

• Leave a review and share this episode with a mom who needs to hear this!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And you say it like it's a personality trait. Like it's just who you are.

It's not who you are. It's what you learned.

In this episode, Alyssa introduces the question that has stopped women in their tracks more than any other in her years of clinical work: why not? Why don't you ask for much? Why don't you want people to go out of their way for you? Why do you extend a grace to everyone around you that you won't let them extend back to you?

The answer has nothing to do with being low maintenance. It has everything to do with a rule your nervous system learned a long time ago — in a relationship, a community, a childhood — that needing things had a cost. And you got so good at needing less that you forgot it was ever a choice.

This episode cracks that open. In the best way.

In this episode:

• The specific moment Alyssa recognized this pattern — in her clients and in herself
• How she learned to ask for less inside an abusive marriage
• The difference between your personality and your survival strategy
• Why the people who love you most can't show up for you when you won't let them
• The one thing to try this week that costs nothing and changes everything
• 
  
• The takeaway: Notice one moment this week where you automatically edit yourself down. You don't have to do it differently yet. Just catch it. "There it is." Noticing is the beginning of choosing.

Chapters

00:00

The Struggle of Self-Abandonment

01:30

Understanding the Question: Why Not?

05:03

Personal Story: The Cost of Needing Less

15:37

The Nervous System's Role in Needing Less

19:05

Taking Action: Small Steps to Reconnect

26:09

Building a Supportive Community

Join The Living Aligned Collective

Apply for Reclaim

Catch me on IG @heyalyssabooth

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And you still cannot fully exhale.

You're on the couch but not really landing. You're on vacation but mentally still at home. Something good happens and instead of just feeling it there's this flicker — like it's too good, like there's a catch, like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop in a house where nobody is dropping shoes.

That is Survival Mode 2.0. And in this episode Alyssa explains exactly what it is, where it comes from, and why the fact that your life looks fine has almost nothing to do with whether your nervous system feels that way.

Alyssa shares what happened after she left her first marriage — how she built a new life, found a safe partner, went through IVF, had her second baby — and looked up one day to realize she was still running the exact same survival program. Different environment. Same nervous system. Same survival, different font. Now it's in calligraphy.

In this episode:

• The roller coaster feeling you're having on a regular Tuesday — explained
• What Survival Mode 2.0 actually looks like in your daily life
• Why your nervous system didn't get the memo that the hard chapter is over
• What regulated actually means — and it's not what you think
• Why you can know you're safe and still not feel it
• The one thing to try this week when you catch yourself bracing

The takeaway: Once today, when you catch yourself bracing in a moment that's actually okay — both feet flat on the floor, feel the ground, and say: "That was then. This is now." You're not fixing anything. You're introducing new information. That's how this works.

Chapters:

• (00:00) The roller coaster as a metaphor for nervous system activation
• (02:11) Why your body remains on high alert even in safe environments
• (11:36) The origins of hypervigilance in unstable childhood environments
• (16:28) The mechanics of people pleasing vs. pre-emptive people appeasing
• (19:41) The cycle of survival strategies in different life contexts
• (33:21) Recognizing survival mode masked as competence and a full life
• (36:01) Understanding true regulation vs. chronic dysregulation
• (39:01) How external stability doesn’t automatically mean inner peace
• (43:14) The importance of gradual, intentional safety experiences
• (50:24) Transforming your nervous system with small, consistent steps
• (55:34) Invitation to join the Align community for ongoing support

Resources & Links:

• Join the Align Membership
• Apply for Reclaim

Connect with Alysa Booth:

• Instagram
• Website

Remember: Healing isn’t about trying harder or doing more; it’s about gentle, consistent experiences that tell your nervous system, you are safe now. Be patient and kind to yourself as you take these small steps forward.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

if they only knew.

If they only knew what happened three minutes before that photo. If they only knew the version of you that exists when nobody is watching — the one in the car, the one at 10pm, the one that is barely holding it together on a Tuesday and performing fine in every room.

That gap — between who you are and who you think you're supposed to be — that is shame. And in this episode Alyssa goes all the way into it.

Not the surface version of shame. The specific kind that lives in the high-achieving, self-aware, doing-all-the-right-things woman who still feels like a fraud. The kind that makes "you're amazing" feel like evidence of the gap instead of evidence of the truth. The kind that drives you to do more, be more, try harder — because if you just get far enough ahead, maybe it won't catch up.

Alyssa shares what it was like to sit in a parking lot crying before work and then walk in five minutes later to help someone else put their life together — and the specific moment she realized she had been performing the version of herself she thought she was supposed to be in every single room.

And she asks the question that changes everything.

In this episode:

• The difference between guilt and shame — and why it matters more than you think
• Why "I had a good enough childhood, I shouldn't complain" is shame doing what shame does best
• The parking lot story — Alyssa's most vulnerable episode yet
• How shame drives the go-go-go, the perfectionism, and the performance
• The generational piece — what you inherited, what you're breaking, and why you don't give yourself any credit for it
• The question to ask yourself the next time shame shows up
• 
  

The takeaway: The next time shame shows up, finish this sentence: "If you reduce me to this moment, you miss ___." Fill it in. One specific true thing the shame is leaving out. Give yourself the full picture — not just the worst frame.

Chapters:

00:00 - Introduction to shame in motherhood

03:43 - Understanding the power of shame

08:28 - Repairing shame through vulnerability

17:07 - Overcoming shame with self-acceptance

22:00 - Celebrating repair and resilience

31:13 - Embracing human imperfection

35:20 - Community's role in healing shame

Resources & Links:

• Reclaim (Signature Program)
• Align Membership
• Instagram - Hey Alyssa Booth

Healing from shame is an ongoing journey rooted in connection, vulnerability, and self-compassion. Remember, you are human, and your efforts are enough—even in the messiest moments.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode explores the importance of recognizing the difference between being strong and being okay, and offers insights into healing the nervous system and breaking cycles of self-sacrifice.

Alyssa will discuss:

• The difference between being strong and being okay
• Recognizing emotional and physical signs of trauma
• Healing the nervous system through practical strategies
• Breaking cycles of self-sacrifice and shame
• The importance of vulnerability and self-compassion

Tune in to learn how to stop white-knuckling your life, and create one you don't want to escape from.

Find Alyssa on Instagram:

⁠https://www.instagram.com/heyalyssabooth/⁠

Join her membership, ALIGN:

⁠https://www.skool.com/align-empowered-living-2177/about⁠

Apply to Reclaim:

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.