Sam Gardner spent 21 years in care. He now delivers transformative talks and training for those supporting care-experienced children -and is one of the most powerful voices in the sector.

His message to anyone working with children in care comes down to one word:

Stay.

Stay when they push you away. Stay when they call you Mum and then never call anyone Mum again. Stay when the seeds you plant won't grow for ten years.

This episode broke me a little. I hope it lands with you too.

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In this episode, we explore how emotional safety, consistent relationships, and everyday moments of connection create a true sense of belonging. Because a home isn’t just where a child lives - it’s where they feel safe, seen, and accepted, even on the hard days.

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The cars haven’t magically multiplied.

Your brain has just started noticing what you’ve told it to look for.

This came up in this week’s episode of The Kindness Code Podcast with Andy Baker, author of Targeting the Positive with Behaviours that Challenge - and honestly, it really stopped me.

Because if a whole staff team keeps saying, “This young person is aggressive”…

What are we training everyone to see?

Aggression.

Every time.

And then even the smaller things, the things we might not have noticed before, start getting pulled into that same story.

That is powerful. And it’s dangerous.

The answer isn’t just “catch them being good.” That sounds lovely, but it’s far too vague.

The real work is identifying the positive incompatible behaviour - the thing the young person can’t do at the same time as the behaviour we’re worried about.

So if we’re worried about abusive language, the opposite might be respect.

But “respect” on it’s own doesn’t mean much unless we define it properly.

What does respect actually look like in this home, on this shift, with this child?

It might be speaking kindly.

Holding a door.

Walking away rather than escalating.

Helping someone who is struggling.

That’s what we need to train our brains to notice.

And as always in care, the work starts with the adults first.

Able Training | Training made easy.

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This week on The Kindness Code, we’re joined by Bethaney Dixon.

From lived experience to building a movement…

Bethaney shares how her own journey through the care system led her to create Adelphi – turning lived experience into a growing movement that supports care-experienced people through guidance, community, and partnerships across the UK.

Together, we explore what it really means to move beyond stigma and labels - and how awareness, education, and empowerment are key to creating lasting change.

Because support shouldn’t stop at independence.

Adelphi – Adulting, Together™ | Digital Support for Care Leavers & Organisations

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It rarely happens when you expect it.

It happens in the car. At the sink. Mid-cartoon. In the silence after a hard day — when a child finally decides you're the one they're going to tell.

What you say in the next ten seconds matters more than almost anything else you'll do in your shift.

In this episode, Carmel and Chelsea talk through how to respond when a child discloses something difficult — in a way that protects them, holds the trust they've just handed you, and keeps you steady when your own stomach drops.

We cover:

• Why disclosures almost never look like disclosures
• The two phrases that should be muscle memory for every adult working with children: "I'm really glad you told me."
• "I may need to share this to help keep you safe, but I'll support you through it."
• Why "promising to keep a secret" is the single most damaging response — and what to say instead
• How to manage your own reaction in the moment (because children read your face before they hear your words)
• What happens after the disclosure — and why your job isn't done when the conversation ends

Because how a child is met in that moment shapes whether they'll ever tell anyone again.

• Press play.

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For most children, transitions are uncomfortable. For looked after children, they can feel catastrophic — and the behaviour that follows is almost always misread.

In this episode, Carmel and Chelsea go beneath the surface of what's really happening when a young person "kicks off" during change — and why the nervous system doesn't care that the move is "for their own good."

We talk about:

• What transitions actually trigger in a child with a history of loss
• Why the smallest changes (a new shift pattern, a different mug, a swapped routine) can land harder than the big ones
• How adults unintentionally make transitions worse — even with the best intentions
• What regulation, safety, and trust look like in practice when everything feels unstable
• The difference between managing a transition and holding a child through one

Because transitions aren't events. They're experiences — and how we show up during them shapes what a child believes about adults for years to come.

Press play.

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In this episode, Carmel and Chelsea unpack what it means to treat behaviour as a message rather than a problem to stop. Chelsea shares the story of AJ, a young person whose withdrawal, shouting and breaking of items felt personal to staff — until they noticed the pattern. His behaviour always escalated before family visits. Once the team understood the message, they could prepare him emotionally, offer choices, and create space to decompress afterwards. Incidents decreased. Connection grew.

They also talk about validating emotions without giving in, holding boundaries thoughtfully, and the role of rupture and repair in real-life practice.

Takeaway: pause and ask — what is this behaviour trying to tell me?

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When a child is dysregulated, correction doesn't reach them - because they don't feel safe. And when a child doesn't feel safe, they can't learn or reflect, only protect themselves. Chelsea shares what she's learned over a decade in children's residential care, including a story about a young person who wouldn't come down for dinner — and what changed when staff stopped calling and simply sat alongside her.

They also talk honestly about getting it wrong, the importance of rupture and repair, and why children need real adults, not perfect ones.

The takeaway: when a child is struggling, pause and ask — what do they need from me right now?

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In this opening conversation, they share why kindness - shown thoughtfully, intentionally and consistently -sits at the heart of meaningful work with care-experienced children. They talk about behaviour as communication, the importance of rupture and repair, and why children need real adults, not perfect ones.

Future episodes will explore staff wellbeing, supporting autonomy, creating positive culture in children's homes, and practical strategies you can use the same day.

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