But of course, y'all get the exclusive digital download of Sleeping Awake first after it's finished in post-production AND before it gets digitally distributed when it's ready, which gives us more than enough time to relax and promote it nonstop on social media before it's officially released. In the meantime, I am going to relax mostly today, but will still be online via Patreon to update a few things, and to add some new poems for y'all to read.

I hope you enjoy this version, because me and a wonderful group of studio musicians worked really hard on it, and I have a feeling that the new studio producer (who we'll be announcing soon in a future post here on Patreon and eventually on the official website, social media, etc.) will be someone that we will want to work with for the next 10-20 years of my solo music career as a Deaf trans/non-binary musician/recording artist. See y'all soon with another update!

Sincerely,
October.

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This song was recorded in a basement studio originally located in Austin, Texas in 2007 with my old bandmates from an old band formerly known as Dead Generation Beatniks, and was one of the older demos from my music catalogue and was going to be released previously, but never made the cut. Anyway, here's the lyrics to the song, Letters from the Road and I thank you again for all your support as I continue to work on brand new original music for the self-titled solo project (known as October Evans) - this album will be ready for pre-order and available for release everywhere on all music store platforms and music streaming platforms as well on October 31st, 2020, which is perfect timing because October 31st, 1999 was the year that I first started making music with my first band, Empty Existence and launched a nearly 30 year music industry career with 7 bands, a rap group and my current solo project, and is the celebration of the 21st anniversary this year since my career began. By the year 2029, it will have been my 30th anniversary since I began my music career, and I will have officially retired by then in my early 40s.

Enjoy!

Letters from the Road

credits |
Lyrics Written by October Rain Evans
Music by October Rain Evans, Lily Rikki Taylor, Amy Jane Wilder and Shawn Andrew Jameson
Mixing and Mastering by October Rain Evans and Amy Jane Wilder
Executive Producers: October Rain Evans and Amy Jane Wilder
Recorded in a basement home studio in Austin, Texas in the Summer of 2007
Trans Mad Genius Lyrics/sadistsateme.songwriting [BMI/ASCAP]
Deaf Grrrl Music/October Evans Music [ASCAP]
℗ 2007-2020 October Evans, Chiaroscuro Music Studios, Dead Generation Beatniks. All Rights Reserved.
© 1999-2020 October Evans, Chiaroscuro Music Studios. All Rights Reserved.

lyrics |
[VERSE 1]:
And everywhere that I’ve gone
Everyone that I’ve met along the way
Words that I’ve said, things I’ve done
All the writings I left on the walls everyday
So, I packed my bags and walked away into the rain
I’m wondering if you’ll ever feel my pain

[CHORUS]:
As I sit here locked inside my head, trying to write to you
I rewind the memories of my dead figuring out what the hell to say to you
All those sleepless nights in hotel rooms alone
Stages we’ve played on every night and day
Letters from the road
My way of letting you know that I was never okay
Just another way of talking to you when you’re not here
As I start drowning in all my fears
When I feel like I can’t go on, I’ll go on
The letters from the road that I’ve never sent you, they kept me strong

[VERSE 2]:
I’ve fucked up quite a bit along the way
I’ve lived through things that most people never experience
I wasn’t supposed to be alive after the shit I went through everyday
But I ended up writing to you while I was overcoming addictions
How I’m still able to remember everything makes me wonder sometimes
Just another song about my demons – will you hear me this time?

[CHORUS]

[VERSE 3]:
So, after everything we’ve been through, I come home again
Just to let you know I’m still breathing
I hope those letters from the road got to you
Come the morning after, I’ll be leaving home again
Thank you for everything
And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

[Chorus]

And they kept me strong [×4]
While I have been out here all alone on the road trying to prove you wrong...

[ENDS]

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The experience has been really amazing thus far, having worked with some really wonderful studio musicians, and I want to personally thank Paul, Brandon and Mark for all the hard work they did to make this song and the other song, Shades of Myself, something that we can all really be proud of, and stand behind the material for when it's released soon. I never thought I'd cross paths with a group of people who could really capture the essence of the songs, and to be able to convey the emotions of the lyrical content that I've written for both songs, and to be able to tell a story throughout it all with a point to make in both songs.

Sleeping Awake and Shades of Myself has been songs that I really wanted to work on for a while now, because I felt that they had real potential to become something better than its original basement demo versions back then, and to have an official version that really can do some damage and be able to capture the audience and perhaps turn those music listeners into permanent fans of our music someday. I hope that happens, because we've spent a lot of time working on those two songs, and I am personally happy with the direction we've gone into for both songs. Now, Shades of Myself is not 100% finished yet, but the songwriting and recording process for that particular song has been amazing thus far, and I cannot wait to see how it turns out in the end when we've finally finished it.

Anyway, it's quite freeing, to know that we were finally able to finish at least an completed demo of Sleeping Awake, and so without further ado, enjoy this completed demo version for the time being - we'll be back soon with an official, finished version, complete with lyrics and vocals! Thanks for your continued support here on Patreon - it means a lot to me and the entire crew at SoundBetter.

And to add an final note on a thought I've had, I wanted to say this for a while now since we started working on the songs: when I was writing Sleeping Awake, I wanted to tell a story about all the traumas, the pain, suffering, tragedies, about the people that I have loved and lost along the way to untimely demises, and mistakes I've made that I have grown from on my way to becoming a healed, happier, stronger and better woman. It was not an easy journey in the past decade or so, and it was one that I would not regret at all, because it was a journey that was absolutely necessary in order to figure out where I would go from there. At a crossroads of my life, I had to ask the question that was important to ask if I was to be able to get anywhere in life and to really move on:

If I choose this next path of my journey in this life, will it lead me to know the peace that I've heard so much about, yet can't seem to find but was oftentimes told that I was not supposed to find that peace and finally be okay? And if so, will it lead to me being able to truly rest my weary head, for I am truly bone tired and just want to be able to feel less pain and more happiness?

It was a pretty tough question to ask, but in the end, it was worth getting the answers to said question, split up into parts, and then eventually, Sleeping Awake was born. It was a song that really spoke about addictions, pain, trauma, grief and loss and how I can wake up one day and finally say, "I've had enough" and just go home and be alright. It was a real healing process, and the mess I've made to get there and finally heal throughout the entire songwriting and recording process - well, it was a mess worth making, because it taught me some new lessons that I got to learn from, taught me to grow into a better human being and that it's truly okay to be imperfectly human. Mistakes will be made, but it's what you do with those mistakes that will determine whether you will turn out to be just fine, or if you'd turn out to fall apart and never get back up again.

I'm really glad me and the crew got to work on this song. Sleeping Awake will be a song for the ages for sure. Especially for those who are a little lost along the way and struggling with mental health issues, addiction issues and mistakes they've made along the way as well. I hope this song will give people some hope at the end of their journeys from hell so that a new positive journey can begin for them, just like this song has been a new beginning of a post-healing journey for me after a decade of being on the road, being traumatized, being lost along the way and finding myself again just to make amends, find that peace I've heard so much about and to say, "I'm okay. I really am. Thank you for being a part of this with me."

Anyway, enjoy the new demo version, and we'll be finalizing the song very soon in post-production. Take care.

One Love,
October.

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This is all while protests are happening, dedicated to partaking in the actively anti-racist actions we commit to from here on out to the day we die old and grey for the Black Lives Matter movement, and I have been unlearning shit, unpacking everything, and re-parenting myself so that I can embrace the real possibility of being loved properly someday. I got a lot of C-PTSD shit bottled up inside that I gotta let out for sure.

But throughout it all, I have found a way to adapt to a new life at home, to be able to work from home and not get infected with COVID-19 at all, and thus far, I've been able to avoid getting sick, so let's keep it that way - knock on wood. And the way I used to make music, by traveling many miles between home to someone's recording studio facility, pay the money upfront and start recording music, vocals, etc. - that's gone now, and I'm pretty sure I do not want to return to that, because why the hell would I want to show up at a studio like Robot Dog Studio in Vermont, all exhausted, emotionally drained from dealing with toxic people on the way there and feeling a little bit checked out, ya know? I think doing it this way with the new changes I've made by connecting with some really great studio musicians at SoundBetter, working on music directly at home and just enjoying myself and being able to rest without stress or worry is a bit of a rather very rare experience, or privilege to have that kind of calm, that kind of peace and silence in being able to rest, to reflect, to unlearn, unpack everything and to take better care of oneself while creating brand new music that's coming out soon... it reminds me of the old days when I would work with my first band, Empty Existence, and me and the original members of that band would get together in different home studio locations, all in our basements, and just work separately, then rarely getting together at least once every two weeks to review what we've done so far, and then keep exchanging sound files, demos, song ideas, lyrics, etc. until it was completed, then by say, the end of a 3 or 6 month songwriting process in its demo stages, we rehearse, practice until we get it right, then go into someone's studio and pay a shitload of money that takes forever for us to save up and record the damn songs and make it into an album. We'd call these old days the "Basement Studio Dog Days of Our Fucked Up, Anxious Lives" - that sounds about right - (laughs).

Re-framing my point that I'm trying to make here, it seems to be a lot better this way in the midst of a pandemic, because back then, it'd take literally HOURS, if not days, just to be able to save files, then upload it and send it to our friends in the band, or to just put it on some USB flash drive stick or a burned CD to hand over to each other, especially since we were still growing in terms of the launch of the Internet, and the speed was insanely slow, not as fast as it is today. Do you even know how long it would've taken to just upload an official music video on YouTube back then? It'd probably end up taking like, 3 or 4 days, but if you're really lucky and you're rich white assholes, you'd probably get it done within a day or less. Today? Well, it's pretty fast.

Anyway, this pandemic really forced many people, myself included, to learn to re-adapt to some of the older ways of the songwriting and recording studio process, but also to re-parent ourselves, for a lack of a better term, in being able to get used to living at home more often and working on new music in home studio set-ups that we'd put together for at least a couple hundred dollars, if that. Maybe it'd take about at least 2 grand to put together some really good quality shit to use for recording and making demos together. But then comes the question that begs to be answered: How do we finalize the recording and songwriting process in post-production prior to a single, EP or full-length album release? That's a pretty damn good question.

For me, and I'm not sure how everyone else does their thing - I'd finalize all payments and receive all the files I would then get from the studio musicians I've hired to work on the music and instrumental tracks for me, then record my vocals/lyrics, all that stuff, then send it off to a studio engineer with a complete studio production team who would then do the mixing and mastering process, as well as any additional finishing touches that needs to be done in post-production, have it burned and ready to go, put it in WAV and MP3 files, and for those who are aware of iTunes/Apple Music, we'd put it in an iTunes-ready mastering process and send it off to our distributors (whether that'd be our record labels or indie labels handling that part, or for indie musicians like myself, we'd send it off to CD Baby, TuneCore, use ReverbNation's digital distribution features, or sign up with DistroKid and get it distributed to as many music stores and music streaming platforms as possible, from Spotify all the way up to Tencent Music and beyond), and then comes the hard work, well, at least for indie musicians like myself: shameless self-promotion. Gotta get the word out, ask people to stream, listen, download, buy, etc. on all the music stores and music streaming platforms, including our websites or our Bandcamp platforms, etc., and try to gain real fans that will stay with us and not leave every time we get a single out, or an EP or a full-length album release out, etc. 

The real fans, the ones who really enjoy what we do, they're the ones worth keeping around for the rest of your lives, ya know? And it's not easy, especially if you're under the federal poverty level, low income and just trying to make ends meet and save up forever to try to pay the musicians and studio team to get the music out and finished ready to go. Many indie musicians I know have suffered similar fates like me. But we're still around, right? We're still kicking ass.

But all the while, throughout the demo sessions, the songwriting and recording studio process, I have had several moments during all this where I would lose sense of time and not really pay attention to time. I would end up looking up around me in my apartment, and realize that an entire day has gone by, and I have finished writing at least 20 different chorus versions of the lyrics, or the guitarist could end up recording 1,000 melody hooks for a bridge or something, and the drummer could end up drumming throughout the night and not realize it is fucking 10 AM in the morning and he's been up for nearly 36 hours in California working on drum tracks. Hell, even the bassist could end up playing some random bass lines and get goofy.

Trust me, losing the sense of time during a pandemic isn't fun, but at the same time, it can be made to be enjoyable and fun. Why? Because of that possibility that you have just unlocked that untapped creative genius within you and drinking from its well to put out something really fucking amazing, soul-baring and honest, ya know? It's kinda a weird way to explain having lost that sense of time at home as a musician, but I think that many in the music world and its industry would agree with me on that. Maybe, maybe not - but then again, I'm just human and only one person.

Anyway, when I was writing the tunes with the crew at SoundBetter for songs like Shades of Myself and Sleeping Awake, and working on more songs yet to come, I had not really noticed yet that I had lost that sense of time, at least until around July 4th, and I had then realized that I was working nonstop for almost a month and not even realize it was the 4th of July already. I do my best to keep track of the time I spend in the world, but when you're in a global pandemic, it's like time just freezes. Almost very eerily similar to the feelings/emotions/thoughts I have had when I was writing the song lyrics for Frozen in Timeless Trauma, which is another song that I will release later on in 2021 or at least around 2022 - there are so many songs I will be releasing in the form of EPs and single releases, but to have a complete album at some point, I'm not even sure if and when that will happen, because this pandemic could go on for a decade until a vaccine is developed, and we gotta be realistic about that possibility becoming an reality. 

With that being said, maybe just doing single releases and EP releases is probably the best path going forward in terms of budgeting, ensuring that I have enough money to survive on each month after paying my rent, my bills and paying my studio musicians and my studio production team, etc., so as long as I am on budget and keeping true to that budget, I should be okay going forward from here. As I've said earlier, there is no normal to go back to. If you can't accept that, well, bully for you. I don't give a shit about your anti-lockdown rants and whiny white boy bitching. Shut the fuck up and deal with it. Wear a mask, for fuck's sake! You want your grandmas to die of COVID-19? Or your nieces? Or even your nephews, your mothers and fathers, your cousins, your aunts, uncles, etc.? Think about somebody else for a fucking change, white people. Jesus fucking Christ... 

Whew. Okay, I'm not in ranting mode anymore, so let's get back to the topic at hand. Yeah, I'd say that working on music during an pandemic is very different now than working on music in someone's studio for hundreds of dollars or thousands of dollars per session by the hour, etc. before the pandemic happened, and this is a more cost-effective way of doing so, so I'm glad I was able to stay on budget for the songwriting and recording studio process at home while my crew at SoundBetter makes it so much easier to work on the music while I work on some instrumental ideas, write all the lyrics myself and lay down the vocals and spit-fire some mad rhymes on sick beats in certain songs. Sometimes I rap, but most of the songs, I usually sing, harmonize, scream or croon - sometimes, I do a mix of everything vocal/rapping wise, so it's fun to challenge myself and to get out of my comfort zone to pull off the impossible.

I hope you all enjoyed having this discussion with me and with that in mind, I present to you something that me and the crew put together as yet another instrumental rough draft version of Sleeping Awake. Enjoy. The final finished version should be finished in a few weeks, and then we'll have it out and ready for release on all music streaming/store platforms, on my official website, here on Patreon and of course, on Bandcamp. Until then, take care, stay safe, wash your damn hands, wear a mask, save lives and keep fighting for the Black Lives Matter movement. One Love to you all. See you next time.

Xoxo,
October.

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We were discussing how the song was going to go, in terms of a direction musically, creatively and artistically, while keeping true to the production value of putting together a song that really means a lot to not just me in terms of my personal struggles and journey, but to everyone who will appreciate what the song can mean for them in their journeys of healing and becoming better people every day. 

After having revised a lot of instrumental tracks to find the perfect hooks, the perfect melody, the perfect, well - everything really, and turning it into something that me and the team never expected it to become... a song that really speaks to people as well as being able to use this song to heal ourselves from the Post Traumatic Devils we live with on a daily basis. I hope this song, upon completion, will give people hope in a world so cold.

I never expected this song to make me feel so vulnerable, so uncomfortable with my pain and suffering and yet, be able to face the music, as it were, to bare my soul into something that me and the entire team was able to create, and the end results has been amazing thus far!

It is exactly what I envisioned this song to become, and I have to give special thanks to Brandon, Mark and Paul for putting together music that really shows how big my heart is and lyrics that I wrote to show where I've been and where I'm going next in life to accompany such wonderful, honest and real music that will ultimately impact someone's life for the better when they tune in to listen to this song when it's released.

With that being said, I give you a really great instrumental draft version of the song's chorus, and I think it will turn out really good in the end when we take it to post-production, polish it up a wee bit, finish everything and have it ready for promotional release on all music store and music streaming platforms. Until then, thank you all for your continued support and we'll be back soon with more updates on Sleeping Awake, including details of when it will have an official release date. Also, before I forget - I wanted to add this one note about Sleeping Awake: it is one of the most pivotal songs that will guide in the direction of where the EP and album releases yet to come in the decades ahead is going towards to, and an ultimate goal of making sure that the stories within the music and the lyrics are told as they should be told, without covering up anything. We're going to be so brutally honest, so emotionally raw and bare our entire souls into each song leading up for the next 4 to 10 years, and beyond.

See you all soon again with more to share with you all. Take care. Enjoy this chorus draft as an exclusive goodie for those who has continued to subscribe monthly right here on Patreon - it means a lot to be able to see so many people show up and show their community love for the work I do here on this platform.

Namaste,
October.

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Note: in no way is this the official final finished version (yet...) but it's going to be a lot of fun to see how this turns out. With that being said, enjoy this rough draft demo version of Sleeping Awake from me and the entire crew at SoundBetter. Wait until you hear the lyrics and vocals for this song - it's gonna be so awesome! Also, below is some attached files of additional drum, bass and guitar material we were working on throughout the entire songwriting/recording process and thought it'd be cool to show you some additional behind-the-scenes exclusive content of what we've worked on thus far and give you an clear idea of what's to come next. 

Enjoy the content - we'll be back soon with more updates on Sleeping Awake and Shades of Myself. Then after that, we're taking a break for about a week or two, maybe 4 weeks, depending on how we all feel, and start work on the bass tracks and guitar tracks and additional synths/MIDI keyboard/DJ samplings work for the very intense, dark and sadomasochistic Industrial/Gothic/Alternative Hard Rock/Electronica song known as Shades of Myself - it's gonna be quite a kinky song. Cheerios!

One Love,
October.

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We were going for something completely different and original from its basement studio demo days, and felt that Sleeping Awake needed to have new life breathed into it, and that's exactly what me and the crew at SoundBetter did - we took something from the old days, listened to reference tracks, felt the music at the same time, used our influences for the direction of this particular song, and voila - it turned out better than expected. In Part Three of this series, we'll be discussing the rough demo version that we just finished recently (note: it is in no way 100% completed yet, but will be soon) and in Part Four, I will share with you the drum material for Sleeping Awake. You're gonna love it.

Anyway, thanks again so much for your support and we could've not done any of this without you. Your pledges on Patreon makes all this an reality, so thank you so much for helping me afford some of the best studio musicians available on SoundBetter!

Namaste,
October.

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It's been an absolute honor and really great to work with the guys at SoundBetter, and make my latest songs become so much better than its original demo versions, and it's quite a long way from the old basement studio demo days, so it feels really nice to have the songs executed in its perfectly imperfect artistic visions the way it should've been done years ago, and I think you will like what we've done so far. Here's the drum tracks of Shades of Myself. In the next part of the Behind-The-Scenes with October Evans series, I will share with you bass tracks for the second song, Sleeping Awake. We've not finished bass tracks for Shades of Myself yet, and will get around to doing that pretty soon. And in the third part of the series, I will share with you a rough demo version of Sleeping Awake, with just nothing but instrumental tracks blended pretty well together. This is not the final official version, so here you go and have fun!

Sincerely,
October and Comrades.

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This was about my struggles over the years with C-PTSD, Depression, Gender Dysphoria and living life on the road for 10 years after losing my late wife to suicide and my late daughter to leukemia.

Lyrics

Until now…
I’ve been lost searching for answers
Sleepless with eyes wide open
I never knew peace until I found myself here again
Until now…

I’ve been drifting away on icy seas
Never found hope on these lonely streets
Mistakes I made as I kept falling apart
Words I’ve said I meant from the heart
It was all gone until now…

There’s a light blinding me in my sleep
Restless nights in hotel rooms crying
Left on a train to Brattleboro
Never knew the meaning of home
I was too far gone until now…

Supposed to be left for dead
Lost in bottles of beer and pills
All the winters spent alone inside my head
No silence from my Post Traumatic Devils
Thought I was forever lost until now...

I finally unzipped out of this shell
I escaped this transphobic hell
Ohhh
Ohhh
Ohhh
So comfortable in my transgender skin
I wasn’t okay until I became a woman.

[ENDS]

Credits

released September 6, 2019
Lyrics Written by October Rain Evans
Music by Dakoda Tanksley and October Rain Evans
Originally Recorded, Produced and Mixed by October Rain Evans, Dakoda Tanksley, Shawn Jameson and Amy Wilder at Chiaroscuro Music Studios
Re-Recorded, Remastered, Reproduced and Remixed by Ryan Cohen, October Rain Evans and Robot at Robot Dog Studio
Mastering Done by Robot Dog Studio
Deaf Grrrl Music/Trans Mad Genius Lyrics/sadistsateme.songwriting [ASCAP]
Dakoda Tanksley Music [BMI]
Engineer: Ryan Cohen
Assistant Engineer: Amy Wilder and Shawn Jameson
© ℗ 1999-2020 October Evans, Robot Dog Studio, Deaf Grrrl Music, Chiaroscuro Music Studios. All Rights Reserved.

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lyrics

[Verse 1]:
Everywhere I go, memories that never fade
Strangers I had those late night diner conversations with
Passing through from Vermont to L.A.
We’re just going our own ways on the road so restless
Songs no one really listens to
Poetry that would have spoken to you
Films no one watches anymore that could’ve changed your worldviews
The art we created that may never break through

[Chorus]:
On the road, home I’ll never be
Their eyes can’t see the damage they’re unleashing
Forever wars rage on as I drive across Amerika
Home I’ll never be until we’re all free

[Verse 2]:
I play a guitar on a dark stage
Releasing my creative Post Traumatic rage
Standing somewhere on a street corner
I’m fucking for money, smoking away the pain of missing her
Hotel rooms and couches I’ve slept on trying not to come apart
Truths written on the walls I memorized by heart
They walk around enslaved in corporate bondage to the Great Pretenders
When they wake up, I hope they’ll remember to overthrow the government so tyrannical

[Chorus]

[Bridge]:
I’m going everywhere, anywhere, somewhere and nowhere
Home I’ll never be
I’m wanderlust, aimless across Amerika
Home I’ll never be
I’m the last of the Revolution
Home I’ll never be because you took everything away from me

[Chorus] x2

[Outro Verse]:
So, as I write my final poem under the stars
I look back at all the places that I’ve been
Counting the lines on my face and covering up my scars in tattoos
Stories of my life and heart I wear on my inked sleeves to share with you
Gone forever from this country as they brainwash you all
I’m gonna get out before they build their transphobic, xenophobic and racist walls
Home I’ll never be
Home I’ll never be
Home I’ll never be
Home I’ll never be

[ENDS] 

credits

released September 6, 2019
Lyrics by October Rain Evans
Music by October Rain Evans, Lily Taylor and Amy Wilder
Recorded, Mixed, Mastered and Produced by Ryan Cohen, Robot and October Rain Evans at Robot Dog Studio and Chiaroscuro Music Studios
Deaf Grrrl Music/Trans Mad Genius Lyrics/sadistsateme.songwriting [ASCAP]
© ℗ 1999-2020 October Evans, Chiaroscuro Music Studios, Deaf Grrrl Music, Robot Dog Studio. All Rights Reserved.

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