For Our Sins: The Clichés Pod Archive

Football Clichés has moved! Here’s where to find us…

Thu, 12 Oct 2023 10:00:00 GMT

After three years and 262 glorious episodes for The Athletic, the Football Clichés podcast is moving to a new home.

The back catalogue will stay right here for you to revisit but Adam, Charlie and David’s exploration of the language of football (and beyond) will continue here: https://lnk.to/kdWOMyTA

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The end of an era

Wed, 31 May 2023 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and - in his final appearance - David Walker for the closing Adjudication Panel of the season. On the agenda: the Premier League's "Pure Referee's Name XI", a deep data dive on footballers' appearances on celebrity TV shows, the criteria for "waltzing through" a defence, a textbook end-of-season rallying cry from Sean Dyche and Richard Keys' Premier League predictions revisited.

Meanwhile, the panel decide who is and isn't allowed to be included in the "spine" of a team and enjoy David's best bits from his three years of the Clichés pod.

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The Football Clichés Quiz VIII

Thu, 25 May 2023 03:00:00 GMT

The Football Clichés Quiz returns for its eighth edition, and the stakes have been raised for defending champion Michael Cox as his challenger this time is none other than Adam Hurrey himself, with past-winner Charlie Eccleshare stepping into the quizmaster's chair.

Cox and Hurrey duke it out over another five rounds of niche footballing knowledge, including the Keys & Gray round, guessing the price of video calls with retired footballers on Cameo, mid-00s world cup squad battles and much more.

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Crosses left on the doorstep, egg all over his shirt & the Phantom Drury Effect

Mon, 22 May 2023 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: What type of goal is the most "still had work to do" goal possible, the No 1 religious reference to deploy during a live TV commentary, the greatest recorded example of something other than a goal being "cheered like a goal", ambient household noise and the "Phantom Drury Effect", and the lowest-profile footballer who could end up on a celebrity reality TV show.

Meanwhile, the panel examine a US term for a goalkeeper spilling a low cross in their own six-yard box, while Charlie's Premier League Years memory skills go beyond parody.

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Suitcase moods, goalkeepers on fire & VAR eavesdropping

Thu, 18 May 2023 06:57:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for a midweek edition of the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: some tense Serie A small talk with an Italian, the Russian football equivalent of being “on the beach”, the concept of being "the first name on the teamsheet", whether a goalkeeper can ever be "on fire" and some football-inspired language from the wider world.

Meanwhile, the panel ponder why some footballing acts are said to be out of the “top drawer” and look back at Howard Webb's bid for VAR transparency on Sky's Monday Night Football.

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The trajectory of a ping, going down with a whimper & the "knows the club" coefficient

Tue, 16 May 2023 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: stress-testing a “knows the club” coefficient model, the threshold for a club “going down with a whimper”, an exhaustive list of football’s “promised lands” and whether Michael Olise's latest assist was the epitome of a "ping".

Meanwhile, the panel discuss Arsenal vs Brighton in the Premier League's "day out" derby and a retiring referee giving his cards to a fan in the crowd.

***

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Base layers, the "WELL IN!" threshold & the language of champions-elect

Thu, 11 May 2023 15:46:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker welcome the listeners' May entries for Mesut Haaland Dicks, with the Clichés faithful nominating their niche footballing fascinations and irritations.

Among the selections are the futility of fans trying to put off penalty-takers, the dying art of commentators just listing players’ names as they pass the ball, some niche observations on the wearing of base layers, the non-committal language for champions-elect and the precise parameters for shouting "WELL IN!"

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel hear of the most forward-thinking under-5s football team in the world and admire the inevitable end game for Erling Haaland vs Dixie Dean.

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Old-fashioned No 9s, seeing your name in lights and the spice-rack league table

Tue, 09 May 2023 14:45:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: The managerial disciplinary tightrope, when old-fashioned No 9s first became “old-fashioned”, the subtle difference between "score" and "scoreline", the language of Erling Haaland not scoring a goal, an entirely understandable misconception of “at sixes and sevens” and tenuous football curses.

Meanwhile, the panel help a listener with his spice-rack league table and decide where and when it's most appropriate for a player to do the “geeing up the crowd” gesture.

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Title-race non-twists, ChatGPT does MHD & pinpointing the start of the 'modern era'

Thu, 04 May 2023 14:46:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for a midweek edition of the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the spiralling language of Chelsea's meltdown, ChatGPT selects its Mesut Haaland Dicks, reducing Sam Allardyce's Leeds unveiling to its purest essence, how far into added time counts as "deep into added time" and what constitutes a title-race "twist".

Meanwhile, the panel try and pin down when football's "modern era" began and Charlie wrestles with a encyclopaedia-level definition of "The Barclays".

***

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The greatest moment in football podcasting history

Tue, 02 May 2023 16:22:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the latest edition of the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Kasper Schmeichel's Monday Night Football punditry debut, Roy Keane spotted at the snooker, Rishi Sunak’s Northern Premier League Division One East play-off final rallying cry, podcaster Sam Allardyce returning to top-flight management and a 27-year wait for the final piece of a football-culture jigsaw is finally, sensationally ended.

Meanwhile, the panel decide if a listener should name their child after the Championship top scorer and if a new signing could ever be described as "like a player returning from a long injury".

***

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'He's got his goal', the 'family club' criteria & ChatGPT's Streets Won't Forget XI

Thu, 27 Apr 2023 14:30:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for a midweek edition of the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: More surname-based goal celebrations, football punditry's equivalent of a solar eclipse, Erling Haaland and the most “he’s got his goal” goal ever scored, destiny brings together two Clichés listeners on a dating app and ChatGPT attempts to compile a "Streets Won't Forget" XI.

Meanwhile, the panel decide what constitutes a "family club" and assess the worst fictional footballer in the history of American straight-to-TV love films.

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Sting in the stands, quickfire topical chanting & the velocity of a wounded duck

Tue, 25 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the latest edition of the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: a handball-appeal hat-trick at Ipswich, the most “left on the halfway line to defend when your team has a corner” player ever, a brand new option for shot-velocity metaphors, the quickest turnaround for a topical chant in Premier League history and the BBC take on Sky in a "Sting spotted in the stands at Newcastle" pun-off.

Meanwhile, the panel debate why the word "delivery" is exclusive to set pieces or crosses and what the threshold should be for away fans demanding a refund.

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The Overmythologised XI

Thu, 20 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and Michael Cox to compile a lineup of players whose myths, auras and internet legacies have eclipsed their mortal footballing existences.

The selection process takes in cartoon goalkeepers of the 1900s, defenders who played on one leg for half their career, "Scholes, of Manchester", a midfielder who defined both an entire role AND sparked the most boring football debate of all time, the token striker who was good on a computer game when you were 15, an 8,000-word Wikipedia page and the big question: Zlatan or Eric?

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Beginner-level knee-slides, ChatGPKeys & the Match of the Day seagull

Tue, 18 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker on the Adjudication Panel for the 250th episode of the pod. The agenda includes: the new world record for keepy-uppies, Rolls Royces at the snooker, horses finding pockets of space at the Grand National, the least textbook knee-slide celebration in Premier League history, a Match of the Day viewer uncovers some bizarre audio that nobody had ever noticed.

Meanwhile, the panel appraise the traditional vantage point of watching football from a nearby tree and try to define the classic footballing "departments".

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Pure Cliches: What makes a stadium a cauldron? & mundane FIFA animations

Sun, 16 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

With 249 episodes in our archive we thought we'd raid our back catalogue to bring you some examples of the purest essence of the Football Cliches podcast. This week we head back to episode 69 to identify exactly what elements a stadium needs to make it a cauldron, and from episode 84 we provide the boffins at EA Sports with a raft of suggestions as to how they could improve FIFA by including the most mundane footballing animations possible.

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5-a-side shouters, relentless Continental whistling... and what's the best name for a second division?

Thu, 13 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker entertain the listeners' April entries for Mesut Haaland Dicks, with the Clichés faithful nominating their niche footballing fascinations and irritations.

Among the selections are being the self-appointed "shouter" at 5-a-side, the quaint radio practice of commentators telling you which team is playing "from right to left", the intricate game within a game of winning a corner off a defender's shins, the out-of-possession whistling of Continental home crowds and a comprehensive cataloguing of every possible naming convention for second-tier leagues in world football.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel enjoys "the most Neil Warnock thing ever heard in a Hollywood action film".

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Title race in their hands, the world at their feet & the streets forgetting Teemu Pukki

Tue, 11 Apr 2023 11:25:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel. The agenda includes: Whose hands the Premier League title race is actually in now, the threshold for a young starlet having “the world at their feet”, a listener's Sunday League instincts kick in at an office meeting and a quickfire Keys & Gray Corner.

Meanwhile, the panel ponder whether "the streets will forget" Teemu Pukki and if a wrestling match can ever be "end to end".

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Match vs Game and the most 5-a-side Premier League goal ever

Thu, 06 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: a potential new career option for Frank Lampard, "the most 5-a-side goal the Premier League has ever seen", stadiums that have their own famous "roar", and Keys & Gray tell (again) the story of the birth of the Premier League.

Meanwhile, the panel decide what makes a team "too good to go down" and what might make a side think their "name is on the cup".

***

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No Context Peter Drury, a spate of sackings & leaving everything out there

Tue, 04 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the need for a collective noun for manager sackings, some deluxe-level Peter Drury commentary, the mid-weekend shorthand language of title races and the most ‘on in the background during a pub lunch’ fixture of all.

Meanwhile, the panel ponder the footballing verb "to stun" in a modern context and begin the search for the most unthreateningly-named hooligan firm in the UK

***

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Pure Cliches: the 'on toast' threshold & the great Three Lions mystery uncovered

Sun, 02 Apr 2023 04:00:00 GMT

With well over 200 episodes in our archive we thought we'd raid our back catalogue to bring you some examples of the purest essence of the Football Cliches podcast. This week we head back to episode 216 to discuss the threshold for describing whether Player X has Player Y 'on toast', and from episode 77 we uncover the origins of the famous Alan Hansen and Jimmy Hill clips from the start of Three Lions.

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International ringers, Messi vs stewards and footballers' home museums, with Max Fosh

Thu, 30 Mar 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Nick Miller are joined by comedian and YouTube star Max Fosh for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks. Among Max's selections are the precise thought process behind a switch of international footballing allegiance, the late-1990s Premier League obsession with Vicks VapoRub, the very modern power struggle between trained stewards and elite players when someone invades the pitch for a selfie and players with a museum to themselves in their own house.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel bemoan the collapse of all standards when it comes to publishing the simple information that is group tables.

Produced by Mike Stavrou.

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Smashing records, The [Player X] Show & Xerxes' big-game bottlers

Tue, 28 Mar 2023 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the Window Cleaning World Cup, whether Harry Kane really has "smashed" the England goalscoring record, a very footbally reason why the second Persian invasion of Greece in 479 BC ended in defeat, the English football kit-manufacturer pyramid and the definitive hierarchy of silly football Wikipedia editing.

Meanwhile, the panel ponder the requirements to make a game "The {Player X} Show", and take a philosophical approach to the concept of "tap-ins".

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Pure Cliches: Unfinished Business and Kevin Keegan at the Meat Management Industry Awards

Sun, 26 Mar 2023 04:00:00 GMT

With well over 200 episodes in our archive we thought we'd raid our back catalogue to bring you some examples of the purest essence of the Football Cliches podcast. This week we head back to episode 109 for an extraordinarily detailed look at what constitutes 'unfinished business', and from episode 94 we rejoice in hearing all about Kevin Keegan's appearance at the 2021 Meat Management Industry Awards.

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The purest Soccer AM lineup, the Messi of Maths and the tidiest Premier League player

Thu, 23 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Marking the demise of Soccer AM by selecting its ultimate guest lineup, "The Messi of Maths" and his equivalent of the cold, wet Tuesday night in Stoke, some very alternative goal commentary from the archives and an unexpected footballing name pops up in Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

Meanwhile, the panel dissect the art of the Wacky Friday Press Conference Question and try to statistically crown the "tidiest" player in the Premier League.

***

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Fictional football shirts & the most internationally eligible player of all time

Tue, 21 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: The most punworthy FA Cup quarter-final in living memory, Nike vs Warner Bros in a Ted Lasso kit saga, the player eligible to play for the most different countries, tracking down the goalkeeper cited in an unfortunate dictionary definition and, once again, checking in with good old Richard Keys.

Meanwhile, the panel debate whether it's better to be a "handy" side or a "useful" one and which Premier League fixtures just belong in a certain year.

***

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Pure Cliches: Basement boys & the Europa League XI

Sun, 19 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

With well over 200 episodes in our archive we thought we'd raid our back catalogue to bring you some examples of the purest essence of the Football Cliches podcast. This week we head back to episode 61 to examine the true meaning of the phrase 'Basement Boys', and from episode 95 we bring you the midfield selections & deliberations of the Pure Europa League XI

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Childish stadium nicknames, classy Sunday League touches & the "perfect" goal

Thu, 16 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, James Maw and Jack Lang field March's listener entries for Mesut Haaland Dicks, where the Clichés faithful nominate their niche footballing fascinations and irritations.

Among the selections are childish (and borderline pathetic) nicknames fans give for local rivals' home grounds, the precise rhythm and intonation of a perfect full-time whistle, the catharsis of complimenting opposition players at Sunday League, teams being guilty of trying to score the perfect goal, goalkeepers who rush out with the ball from a corner only to find nobody to distribute it to and the eternal and unexplained flaw of Wikipedia football career summaries

***

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Cracked MOTD badges, natty free kicks and the reigning Voice of Football

Tue, 14 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: surveying the wreckage of the weekend's Match of the Day saga, an unexpected Indian summer for one English manager's career, a Premier League referee texting into a music radio station and yet another example of a thing being dubbed the Rolls-Royce of Item X.

Meanwhile, the panel wonder who - if anyone - can lay claim to being "the voice of football" in 2023.

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Pure Cliches: Dreamland, solo efforts, and "no disrespect to egg"

Sun, 12 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

With well over 200 episodes in our archive we thought we'd raid our back catalogue to bring you some examples of the purest essence of the Football Cliches podcast, this week we head back to episode 154 for the definitive discussion on what constitutes the concept of 'Dreamland', from episode 78 we attempt to define what makes a goal a 'solo effort', and finally one of the most ridiculous clips in Football Cliches history as Pierre Emile Hoijberg shows "no disrespect to egg"

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Dion Dublin's Blackpool boasts & the most Premier League club yet to play in the Premier League

Thu, 09 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: some professional musicians wade into the Sheffield Wednesday/ABBA saga, a thorough fact-check of Dion Dublin’s goalscoring boasts on Homes under the Hammer, the parameters for a "slaloming" dribble, the most versatile generic football fan outburst of all and arguably the best parody-metal song about the 1994 World Cup final you have ever heard.

Meanwhile, the panel pin down the most "Mickey Mouse cup" in football and identify the most Premier League club never to have played in the Premier League.

***

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Martin Tyler vs Peter Drury: The Bake-Off

Tue, 07 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Some more joyous local radio co-commentary, the least expected product in the world to be described as a "Rolls-Royce", Martin Tyler and Peter Drury on proverbial cake-topping scorelines and an unprecedented way of saying a game is still goalless.

***

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The Football Clichés Quiz VII

Thu, 02 Mar 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Football Clichés Quiz returns for a seventh edition. Reigning champion Michael Cox looks to retain his title once more as the takes on ex-Opta information ace Duncan Alexander across another five rounds of niche footballing knowledge, including Things In Football That Somehow Have Never Happened, the Premier League's foreign influx, top-flight managers with moustaches and much more.

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League Cup champions don't exist & the big upfield/downfield debate

Tue, 28 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Using the word "champions" for cup winners, Jurgen Klinsmann's perfect new job, a brief history of Steve McManaman measuring space in ounces, a Sheffield Wednesday fan's ABBA dilemma and the looming prospect of a "Big Seven" in English football.

Meanwhile, the panel decide what constitutes a defender "doing just enough" and ponder whether "upfield" and "downfield" really do mean the exact same thing.

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Pure Cliches: Greater Goalmouth & Elis James' Generic Crowd Noise

Sat, 25 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

With well over 200 episodes in our archive we thought we'd raid our back catalogue to bring you some examples of the purest essence of the Football Cliches podcast, this week we head back to episode 61 to bring you an unprecedented pronunciation of an area of the pitch that made the Clichés panel reassess everything they thought they knew, and even further back in episode 46 Elis James blew our minds by helping us discover the most recognisable piece of generic football crowd noise you'll ever hear

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Football through a pub window, "Sign him up!" and transfer-rumour Photoshopping

Thu, 23 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker field February's listener entries for Mesut Haaland Dicks, where the Clichés faithful nominate their niche footballing fascinations and irritations.

Among the selections are watching football through a pub window, the five specific scenarios that allow you to chant "SIGN HIM UP!", players being photoshopped into the kit of the team trying to sign them and substitutes who creep onto the pitch while they're warming up.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel look ahead to Graeme Le Saux's stand-up comedy debut, enjoy the sons of two Barclays-era names going head to head in the National League and assess an AI-generated vision of the footballing loves and hates of Richard Keys.

***

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Unexpected centre-backs in Frasier and a scandalous football TV quiz question

Tue, 21 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: a Premier League centre-back namechecked on Frasier 29 years ago, what scorelines qualify as "a rout", a Match of the Day commentator responds to our scepticism over his description of a header, North Korean football journalism and a scandalous football-related question on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Meanwhile, the panel check in on an April 2022 prediction from Richard Keys about Erik ten Hag.

***

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Pure Cliches: The Sam Allardyce XI & Cometh The Hour-gate

Sun, 19 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

With well over 200 episodes in our archive we thought we'd raid our back catalogue to bring you some examples of the purest essence of the Football Cliches podcast, this week we bring you a snippet of the Sam Allardyce XI and relive the now infamous Cometh The Hour-gate

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Sunday League pre-seasons and how to 'bring the ball under your spell', with Josh Pugh

Thu, 16 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by comedian and writer Josh Pugh for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks. Among Josh's selections are players who go to World Cups because they're "good to have around", the phrase "bringing the ball under their spell", Sunday League pre-season regimes and the complex philosophy of "playing football the right way".

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel enjoy some more quintessential Glenn Hoddle co-commentary and an ex-player very politely editing their own Wikipedia page.

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Self-appointed visitors, Carlo Ancelotti for England and Match of Day's canned laughter

Tue, 14 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: whether Carlo Ancelotti is the most international team-y manager who’s never managed a national team, the difference between the midfield jobs of "sniffing out danger" and "putting out fires", some exquisitely-timed Match of the Day crowd noise and at what point a gap at the top of a league turns into a "procession".

Meanwhile, the panel decide if a team can ever call themselves "the visitors", and what leads can be "raced into" .

***

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Boring on-pitch jobs, late fitness tests and artificial atmospheres, with Nick Hancock

Thu, 09 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by broadcaster and 90s football video legend Nick Hancock for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks. Among Nick's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are the mundane details of timewasting, our evolving expectations of footballers' intellect, the curious mind games behind the late fitness test, manufactured matchday atmosphere, the vagaries of the football disciplinary process and lazy football merchandising.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel discuss whether football shorts really need pockets, Dayot Upamecano's voice coaching from an opera singer and a new level in weird goalnet sounds.

Produced by Mike Stavrou.

***

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Thrashing thresholds and the most culturally significant Harry Kane goal of all

Tue, 07 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel.

On the agenda: every recorded Jack Grealish reaction being fouled, the intensely disturbing vibe of Nathan Jones, the commentary turning point of Harry Kane's 267-goal Spurs compilation and an astonishing moment of radio-reporter synchronicity.

Meanwhile, the panel decide when a team can be described as "high-flying" and discuss the nuanced meaning of the word "benched."

Produced by Abi Paterson

***

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The Pure Serie A XI

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by James Horncastle and Michael Cox to compile the most representative lineup of players from the last 30 years of Italian football's technical quirks, huge egos and curious career paths.

Their journey takes them from an early goalkeeping dilemma to an ancient but granite-reinforced back three, the inevitable Thomas Helveg, a textbook selection at left wing-back, an imported No 10 who stayed so long he essentially became Italian, a late-blooming domestic goal machine, an impish strike partner from the Gazetta golden era...and one fabled taskmaster to drill them all into a winning unit.

***

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Picking up the pieces in the cathedrals of football

Tue, 31 Jan 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Duncan Alexander for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Brendan Rodgers talks about his 50th birthday in the most football way possible, the point at which goals compilations can go from "best" to "greatest", whether a fullback can be described as "box-to-box" and some far-fetched movie references on the BBC for Wrexham's FA Cup Hollywood heroics.

Meanwhile, the panel decide the threshold for a stadium to become a "cathedral of football" and the precise location for a player to be "picking up the pieces".

***

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Interrogating celebrity fans and post-victory highlights binging, with Matt Lucas & Elis James

Thu, 26 Jan 2023 14:44:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by British comedy royalty Matt Lucas and his Fantasy Football League sidekick Elis James for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Matt's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are using football small talk to win over your other half's dad, the schadenfreude of watching the opposition's Fan TV YouTube channels after a win and the interrogation techniques faced by celebrity fans of big clubs.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel enjoy some research-based, middle-class football chanting from the National League South.

***

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Deconstructing (and reassembling) the most "silencing the critics" goal celebration of all time

Tue, 24 Jan 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the optimum order of the components of the "ignoring the outside noise" goal celebration, whether a goalkeeper can ever be a "passenger", an ambitious attempt to document all the types of footballing "stuff" and a potential successor to the outdated goalmouth-scramble descriptor of "Keystone Cops".

Meanwhile, the panel enjoy Mikel Arteta being brought to touchline justice and pick apart a curious chant during Southampton vs Aston Villa.

***

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FA Cup sex noises, combined XIs and the elegant pointlessness of centre circles

Thu, 19 Jan 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller field January's listener entries for Mesut Haaland Dicks, where the Clichés faithful nominate their niche footballing fascinations and irritations.

Among the selections are the need to explain dramatic football moments to nearby people who don't care, the provocative scourge of Combined XIs, the functional pointlessness of centre circles, and the underreported confusion of "Last 5 Matches" form graphics.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel assess the aftermath of the unprecedented live "sex noises" scenes on the BBC's FA Cup coverage.

***

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Lovely little NBA players and outfieldery-looking goalkeepers

Tue, 17 Jan 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: How and where players can "tear it up", whether it's possible to be a "lovely little player" in the NBA and transfer reporters clashing over the linguistic nuances of the January window.

Meanwhile, the panel attempt to standardise one of the most cluttered punditry cliches of all and decide which Premier League goalkeeper most looks like an outfield player forced to go in goal.

***

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The "dog on pitch" protocol with Duncan Alexander

Thu, 12 Jan 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by former Opta ace Duncan Alexander for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks. Among Duncan's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are lesser-known football-influencing dogs, the exact threshold at which an act of showboating triggers widespread hand-wringing and the poor souls who volunteer as assistant referees in youth football.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel mull over a third dimension to send a goalkeeper the wrong way with a penalty.

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Is it better to be a carthorse or a donkey?

Tue, 10 Jan 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined on the Adjudication Panel by Charlie Eccleshare and - for his 100th appearance on the pod - David Walker. On the agenda: the specific footballing skills referenced most in football chants, what constitutes being "held to a draw" and a revolutionary but unacceptable usage of the oldest football cliché of all.

Meanwhile, the panel consider the merits of "the Maracana of skiing" and weigh up the fundamental footballing differences between a "carthorse" and a "donkey".

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There or thereabouts, how to let your country down and low-key football inventions

Thu, 05 Jan 2023 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the first Adjudication Panel of 2023. On the agenda: The administrative hurdles for stadiums being named after Pele, Goodison Park's first big boo of the year, a man who claims to have invented goalkeepers shouting "Away!" at corners, whether the concept of "gameweeks" is truly acceptable in mainstream football chat and Richard Keys' first niche complaint of 2023.

Meanwhile, the panel attempt to define the footballing phrase "there or thereabouts" and decide who will be next on the Gary Neville's Soccer Box sofa.

***

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The Best of Football Clichés in 2022 - Part Two

Fri, 30 Dec 2022 15:37:00 GMT

The "whisper it quietly, but" phenomenon, more psychological Cliches Quiz warfare, when a "game of chess" becomes "cat and mouse", the footballing definition of "Johnny on the spot", Keys and Gray meet Sean Dyche, cometh the hour... cometh the scandal, The Premier League of Club Badges, the logistical nightmare of being a proverbial fly on a dressing-room wall, Gareth Southgate’s postman, a For My Sins Corner for the ages, the Woke VAR conspiracy, the greatest listeners’ MHD selection of the year and our personal World Cup broadcasting highlights.

In the second of an end-of-year double-header, Football Clichés takes another look at the podcast's very best moments of 2022.

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The Best of Football Clichés in 2022 - Part One

Sat, 24 Dec 2022 14:15:00 GMT

In the first of an end-of-year double-header, Football Clichés takes another look at the podcast's very best moments of 2022, featuring:

Plausible parliamentary football chants with Sir Keir Starmer, Les Miserables meets Serie A, Andy Townsend in and around the Foo Fighters, The Future Turkish Super Lig XI, the true origin of the proverbial "farmers’ league", bringing the great James Richardson down to our pedantic level, living rent-free in Match of the Day commentators’ heads, Keys & Gray's favourite recipes, Maisie Adam goes top bins (for her sins), the ultimate Gary Neville megamix, Tim Vickery in the Zone of Elaboration, Ian Darke’s mid-90s WWF voice twin, a Clichés Quiz rollercoaster of niche knowledge, off-duty Peter Drury, Birds of a Feather, "no disrespect to egg", the strategic, net-busting importance of the village of Bagworth and the most disturbing football montage of the year.

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Argentina's dreamland, Salt Bae the footballer and Keys on Kaka

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 01:42:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller on the final Adjudication Panel of 2022. On the agenda: the finer details of the greatest World Cup final of all time, what kind of footballer that ubiquitous VIP Salt Bae would be, news of a multi-talented goalkeeper in the seventh tier and the last For My Sins Corner clash of the year

Meanwhile, the panel imagine the parallel football existences of the Darts World Championship contenders.

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Hip-hop Brian Moore and the definitive 2022 World Cup exit descriptions

Fri, 16 Dec 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker on the latest World Cup Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the official description for the World Cup exits of all 14 vanquished nations in the knockouts, some late-1980s industrial hip hop featuring legendary commentator Brian Moore, Peter Walton goes toe-to-toe with the ITV pundits and some hidden cultural references in the BBC commentary.

Meanwhile, the panel decide if the World Cup counts as "silverware" and take on Charlie's dream Sporcle football quiz.

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Fine margins, the on-toast threshold and England's victorious 2030 World Cup XI

Tue, 13 Dec 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker on the latest World Cup Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: A poignant moment for the AI-powered Alan Smith commentary, the first ever player to plug their autobiography in a post-match interview, the most likely co-commentator to get annoyed about fans filming a free kick on their phones,

Meanwhile, the panel establish the parameters for a player being "on toast" and pick the team that will win England the 2030 World Cup (based on all previous teams that were going to win England future World Cups.)

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Armchair fandom, conveyor belts of talent and Roy Keane's kickabout goal celebration

Fri, 09 Dec 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker on the latest World Cup Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Roy Keane's ITV kickabout goal celebration, a moral judgement on bringing on your third-choice goalkeeper when 4-1 up, how far down the football pyramid you can find "armchair fans", and when a Panenka isn't really a Panenka.

Meanwhile, the panel compete in a tense For My Sins Corner double-header and unearth the most boring interview with a referee of all time.

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Three Lions (AI-powered Alan Smith Qatar 2022 Remix)

Tue, 06 Dec 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and James Maw on the latest World Cup Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: EastEnders scriptwriters getting in on the World Cup act, Qatar 2022's baffling obsession with 90s one-hit wonders, 19-year-old Jude Bellingham's age, whether the third-place playoff counts as a "knockout" game, and the least cool Brazilian footballer name ever seen.

Meanwhile, the panel decide what entitles a tournament year to earn an “and all that” and enjoy Adam's remix of Three Lions.

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Big magicians, AI-powered football commentary and the Pure Qatar 2022 World Cup XI

Fri, 02 Dec 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker on the latest World Cup Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Other possible group-stage tiebreakers, the mythical status of tiddlywinks, a curious mid-tournament friendly result, kit colour combinations, a brief history of World Cup lanyard sizes and the ominous first words of a new artificial-intelligence football commentator.

Meanwhile, the panel select the first names on their Pure Qatar 2022 World Cup XI teamsheet and wonder why you never hear about "big magicians".

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Scoring for fun, the big nil-all debate and John Herdman's Premier League destiny

Tue, 29 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare on the latest World Cup Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Peter Drury announces himself to the Moroccan market, Martin Tyler's solo World Cup commentary marathon and whether the phrase "nil-all" should ever be allowed into the mainstream.

Meanwhile, the panel establish the threshold of "scoring for fun" and speculate on charismatic Canada coach John Herdman's likely next move.

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The World Cup shop window and the worst person possible to watch England vs USA with

Thu, 24 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller on the latest World Cup Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the least enviable venue to watch England vs USA, the most timeless World Cup fixture possible, a technical dismantling of Bebeto’s iconic USA '94 goal celebration and a sensational commentary moment involving a pigeon.

Meanwhile, the panel decide which is the most "in the shop window" team of the tournament and declare a winner between the BBC and ITV's opening title sequences.

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The Three Lions' share of possession, lucky chickens & referee shirt names

Tue, 22 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare on the first Adjudication Panel of the World Cup. On the agenda: England's eventful opener against Iran, the latest tedious tournament-predicting animal, a brave new world for on-screen possession statistics and David Beckham's crisps advert with Peyton Manning.

Meanwhile, the panel break down the latest, Christmas-themed version of Three Lions and revisit the multi-layered comedy of Richard Keys' 2014 World Cup YouTube diaries.

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The Pure World Cup XI

Thu, 17 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Michael Cox prepare for the small matter of Qatar 2022 by selecting a team of players who are most disproportionately known for their World Cup exploits, from Mexican goalkeepers, and centre-backs, to diminutive Paraguayans, an Italian full-back on the wing, breakout stars turned run of the mill Premier League midfielders, an Englishman who clocked up the pre-tournament air miles, to genuine World Cup icons.

They are also joined by Chris Evans, author of "How to win the World Cup - secrets and insights from international footballs top managers", to ensure that we pick the definitive manager to marshal our rag tag bunch to glory

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Everton booing in the mirror, World Cup snubbings and Jonathan Pearce's yuletide supremacy

Tue, 15 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare on the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the most comprehensive post-defeat fronting-up in Premier League history, Peter Drury nails an unprecedented quadruple alliteration, confused baby-related goal celebrations, World Cup snubbings and squad-announcement-graphic layout woes.

Meanwhile, the panel undertake a definitive exploration of footballing "huffing and puffing" and consider some future Premier League interim managers.

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The Perfect World Cup

Thu, 10 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

As a widely-criticised winter World Cup approaches, The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by James Maw and Jack Pitt-Brooke to dream up a Perfect World Cup, composed of the best individual elements from the tournament's history.

From the complex concept of the "dark horses" to optimum TV kick-off times, the greatest kits, the textbook controversies, the most rightful hosts and the ideal World Cup final winning goal....this is the Perfect World Cup.

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Ally McCoist of Troy, towerous headers and Mick McCarthy's central defenders club

Tue, 08 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and James Maw on the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Which year each Champions League last-16 tie really belongs in, the mid-table vocabulary of Graham Potter, Peter Drury lending his voice to Aldi's Christmas advert and Ally McCoist's knowledge of the Ancient Greeks saves humanity once more.

Meanwhile, the panel decide what constitutes a traditional "clattering", a second-half "onslaught" and what makes a player "raw"

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Tenuous landmarks and angry DMs to Transfermarkt: The myths and realities of Messi vs Ronaldo

Thu, 03 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by Joshua Robinson, co-author of new book Messi vs Ronaldo, to examine the way football has consumed the two greatest players of the modern era.

From the textbook elements of Ronaldo's backstory to Messi's curiously non-famous voice, the more quaint examples of Ronaldo's ego running riot, bafflingly bad TV adverts, the goalscoring numbers, the terrible opinions and the prospect of one final twist in the 2022 World Cup final.

Meanwhile, the pod imagine what Messi and Ronaldo's career paths would have been if they were simply half as good at football.

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Tunnels of doubt, Carry On Up The Tyler and a proud EFL goals round-up tradition

Tue, 01 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and James Maw on the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the "tunnel of doubt" tries to disrupt the stranglehold of the "corridor of uncertainty", football chants that just don't scan, some bawdy commentary from Martin Tyler, the superstar DJs who could derail England's World Cup dream and one of the best Halloween-themed Football League goals round-up voiceovers of all time.

Meanwhile, the panel establish the difference between a ground "rocking" and "bouncing" and the definitive parameters of "working the goalkeeper"

Produced by David Walker

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The Football Clichés Quiz VI: World Cup Edition

Thu, 27 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Football Clichés Quiz returns ahead of Qatar 2022 with a special World Cup edition. Reigning champion Michael Cox aims to become the first to retain the title as he takes on former champion Charlie Eccleshare across five rounds of niche World Cup knowledge, including Evers & Nevers, World Cup Kits, Name That Squad and, of course, World Cup Clichés.

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Stomping grounds, Panenka volley-lobs and premature glimmers of hope

Tue, 25 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller on the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Did the Premier League bring badge-kissing to US sport? Can Tottenham's stadium be your "old stomping ground" if you only played for them at White Hart Lane? Is a "Panenka volley lob" physically possible?

Meanwhile, the panel assess the concept of the "new-manager bounce" for hastily-appointed caretakers.

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Managers in sunglasses, pointless punditry and the definition of a disallowed goal, with Geoff Shreeves

Thu, 20 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by Sky Sports' chief touchline reporter Geoff Shreeves for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Geoff's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are pundits' pointless turns of phrase, microscopic modern shinpads, why Steve McClaren's infamous umbrella has also led to an anti-sunglasses stigma in football and the matchday heroics of the broadcaster's sound supervisors in capturing the noise of ball against woodwork.

Adam and Charlie also pick their favourite extracts from Shreeves' new book Cheers, Geoff! Tales from the Touchline.

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The pinball threshold, MLS linos & kicking football jokes out of politics

Tue, 18 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker on the Adjudication Panel for the 200th episode of the pod. On the agenda: the official end for football/politics crossover humour, former guest Doc Brown returns with a new twist on his big footballing bugbear, a deep dive into the MLS Assistant Referee of the Year award and some passionate co-commentary from the fabled "defenders' union".

Meanwhile, the panel examine the word "effort" for goalscoring attempts and decide the threshold for penalty-area "pinball".

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Carbon-copy goals, rounding the keeper & the last five minutes of half-time: The listeners do Mesut Haaland Dicks

Thu, 13 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller field this month's listeners' entries for Mesut Haaland Dicks, where the Clichés faithful nominate their niche footballing fascinations and irritations.

Among the selections are identical wondergoals in the same match, the precise kind of player £6 million buys you these days, the dying art of strikers rounding the goalkeeper and the seemingly eternal, empty last five minutes of a half-time break.

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The crossbar crisis, regurgitated corners & a tricky trip to Google Road

Tue, 11 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the epidemic of non-regulation-height crossbars, Countdown's Susie Dent plants her flag on Clichés soil, a predictable twist for anti-VAR discourse and a very curious description of a Serie A penalty.

Meanwhile, the panel debate if a striker can be the "heartbeat" of a team and whether a Sunday league team can have their own footballing "way".

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Football in the dictionary, Gareth Southgate's annoying postman and The Timewasting XI

Thu, 06 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller for another Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the Oxford English Dictionary's new football-related entries, the six-year saga that Gareth Southgate and his opinionated postman and Glenn Hoddle adding to the sub-genre of Unexpected Co-Commentator Noises.

Meanwhile, the panel decide how each footballing scoreline should best play out for the neutral and pick their lineup of cynical game-management aces for the Pure Timewasting XI

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Toe-plonks, fan extractors and the 'men against boys' threshold

Tue, 04 Oct 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by David Walker and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: Kevin Keegan hosting yet another obscure industry awards ceremony, an Irish variation on the new-fangled "draught excluder", a close inspection of Erling Haaland's signed hat-trick ball and John Terry gets the standard BeIn Sports treatment over in Qatar.

Meanwhile, the panel establish the criteria for a match to be labelled "men against boys" and whether differences in footballing class ever come in anything other than a "gulf".

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International talismans, brave battlers and disappointing deflections: The listeners do Mesut Haaland Dicks

Thu, 29 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker present a new monthly edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks, in which the pod's army of listeners nominate their niche footballing fascinations and irritations.

Among the Football Clichés faithful's selections are one very specific pass out from the back by a centre-back, international teams with just one world-class player, the tiny aesthetic things that briefly ruin a game for the neutral, wondergoals that turn out to be disappointing deflections and beaten teams being described as "brave".

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Comic Sans trophies, darts' 12th man and 'acres of time'

Tue, 27 Sep 2022 07:34:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this time: the technicalities of England's hotly-disputed open-play goal drought, darts taking the concept of "the 12th man" to an unprecedented new level, "acres of time" and the language of footballing spaces and some reassuringly universal-sounding Welsh co-commentary.

Meanwhile, the panel discuss inappropriate typefaces for top-level trophy engraving.

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Price-tag placement, England's kit font and the 'What Are YOU Doing Here?' XI

Thu, 22 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker to select a lineup of players who made some unexpected, barely-computable stops in their careers. From goalkeepers who just couldn't quit, to graceful midfielders who were thrust into unenviable engine rooms and elite-level strikers who looked very odd in another club's shirt...these are the transfers that just sound so wrong.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel tear into the tenuous marketing speak for the new England shirts and pin down some classic footballing collective nouns.

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Goalscoring wildlife, giving the goalkeeper the eyes and lighting the blue touchpaper

Tue, 20 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: a stock-take of the remaining Erling Haaland superlatives, commentators who greet certain goals with the words "AND HOW!", the maximum range a goalscorer can "give the goalkeeper the eyes" from and a delightfully subtle corruption of the old classic "hairdryer treatment".

Meanwhile, the panel decide the thresholds for "a matter of minutes", "lighting the blue touchpaper" and "no less than [Team X] deserved".

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Half-hearted Premier League All-Stars, minimal backlift and flies on dressing-room walls

Thu, 15 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. The latest agenda includes: the grim reality of what would be the Premier League All-Star game, whether "minimal backlift" is actually a thing or not, the practicalities of being a proverbial half-time fly on a dressing-room wall and the difference between midweek "exploits" and "exertions".

Meanwhile, the panel analyse the NFL’s slightly-too-literally-worded equivalent of our beloved Super Sunday theme tune.

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San Marino vs Seychelles, seventh-tier ball plinths and a cold, wet night in Buffalo

Tue, 13 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: the NFL embraces the "cold, wet night in Stoke", alarming reports of ball plinths in the seventh tier, a comprehensive preview of San Marino's no-love-lost showdown with Seychelles, and the Premier League table of club badges.

Meanwhile, the panel gracefully accept Adam's climbdown over the "cometh the hour, cometh the man" furore and Charlie takes on the Turkish Super Lig Transfer Window Quiz.

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Chelsea managers who somehow never happened & the great Champions League pronunciation debate

Thu, 08 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and Jack Pitt-Brooke for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: dusting off the "Sacked Chelsea Manager discourse" phrasebook, David Beckham's latest Qatar tourism promo, Martin Keown's decade-long fixation with botanical co-commentary and details of the podcast's forthcoming UK & Ireland tour.

Meanwhile, the panel argue over the precise conditions for "cometh the hour, cometh the man" and ponder the predominant emphasis used in the words "Champions League"

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Footballers as verbs, the Brazilian Michael Flatley and Sean Dyche meets Keys & Gray

Tue, 06 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: players who deserve to have their names used as footballing verbs, Tony Pulis' apparently exclusive phrase of "leg beaters", some alarming US TV co-commentary from Lee Dixon and an unexpected debate about "unanswered goals".

Meanwhile, the panel get stuck into a bumper edition of Keys & Gray Corner, as the boys out in Doha welcome none other than Sean Dyche to their podcast. The results are exceptional.

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Rainham Steel, statuesque goalkeepers and fraudulent throw-in appeals, with Rory Smith

Thu, 01 Sep 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks by Rory Smith, chief soccer correspondent of the New York Times and author of the new book Expected Goals: The story of how data conquered football and changed the game forever.

Among Rory's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are Premier League advertising hoardings for quaint local businesses; goalkeepers rooted to the spot as shots fly past them into the net; the unquestioned tradition of having a wall at a free kick and players who claim throw-ins that they know aren't theirs.

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Gloss-adding goals, away fans sucking the ball in and... Nigel, it's Fulham

Tue, 30 Aug 2022 15:29:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: Whether or now away ends can "suck the ball into the net", a very curious usage of "rolling back the years", identifying the most "Crisis? What crisis?" team in the Premier League and an analysis of the footballing phrase "Johnny on the spot".

Meanwhile, the panel decide which goal in a thrashing is the one that "adds gloss" and reflect on a big weekend for the complex concepts of Richard Keys, Arsenal and celebrating.

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Every Premier League Club’s Transfer DNA

Thu, 25 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and Jack Pitt-Brooke for a stock-take of all 20 Premier League clubs' transfer market identities: which precise sort of player encapsulates their transfer window habits in the modern era? And who is the most Club X player never to have signed for Club X?

This journey through the transfer window and beyond includes: the England Under-21s of the early 2000s who somehow never played for Leeds; an entire lineup of overwhelmingly Bournemouth names; which club have the strongest obsession with goal-shy strikers; and the most by-the-numbers club-website transfer announcement ever seen.

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Wazzed corners, four-and-a-half-pointers and EFL abbreviation abominations

Tue, 23 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: the most expensive footballer of all time not to have a Wikipedia photo, a Portuguese twist on the old "six-pointer", corners being "wazzed" in, penalties being "lashed in", and some very curious half-and-half scarves at the King Power Stadium.

Meanwhile, the panel try and make sense of the unfolding controversy over the abbreviation of EFL team-names and establish the “You know exactly what you’re going to get from a [Manager X] team” league table.

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The Welcome to the Premier League XI

Thu, 18 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and James Maw for a journey deep into the ego of the Premier League. After 30 years of its self-declaration as the greatest - and hardest - league in the world, with its own physical, psychological and moral standards, the panel compile a lineup of players who have been tested the most by the Premier League's unique demands.

From a symbolic, save-shy goalkeeper to tormented World Cup winners, forlorn figures, divers, spitters, showboaters and slowcoaches, these 11 players have had the most uncomfortable welcomes to the Premier League.

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Caught in three minds, EFL saxophones and 28 seconds of Drury deliberation

Tue, 16 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: Conor Coady breaks the "football club" world record for his Everton unveiling, the harmless but inappropriate theme tune for ITV's EFL highlights, some textbook Peter Drury at Brentford and why goalkeepers' saves are like sausages.

Meanwhile, the panel examine whether a player can be caught in more than two minds and enjoy Richard Keys commandeering the Premier League's 30th birthday all for himself.

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Ball-boy dark arts, gaffers and We Are The Champions, with David Goldblatt

Thu, 11 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by football writer, broadcaster and sociologist David Goldblatt for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among David's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are the various emotional states of the average ball boy, the enduring presence of the word "gaffer" in British football, the decline of the football radio phone-in and his intolerance of Queen’s “We Are The Champions”.

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Classified Results 0 Auto-Pilot Hysteria 1, quickfire doubles and thirsty managers

Tue, 09 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker gather for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: Every layer of the backlash to the news that the BBC Radio 5 Live have scrapped the classified results after 70 years, the difference between "cat and mouse" and a "game of chess" and when to use either in relation to a football game and David Seaman at the National Cat Awards.

Meanwhile, the panel wade through the first Keys & Gray Corner of 2022-23, and it's a busy one.

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The Football Clichés Quiz V

Thu, 04 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Football Clichés Quiz returns ahead of the new season. Reigning champion James Maw aims to become the first to retain the title as he takes on challenger Michael Cox across five rounds of niche footballing knowledge, including YouTube football compilations, Guess the football men from their introductory videos on Cameo, the potential Charlies of Bournemouth and, once again, Premier League shirt sponsors.

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Textbook Lionessing, scandalous kit evoking and school playground crowd sounds

Tue, 02 Aug 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker form the Adjudication Panel once again. On the agenda this week: the mandatory elements of the Lionesses' Euro 2022 glory, some scandalous kitspeak from Fulham, new twists on the "cold night in Stoke" concept and the most footballery description of a wedding of all time.

Meanwhile, the panel discuss the difference between a "pass" and a "ball", the threshold for becoming an "£Xm man" and listen in on the most atmospheric school playground kickabout ever recorded.

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Breaths of fresh air, managers vs head coaches and Leeds' Korean-language legacy

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker are reunited for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: the footballing implications of the phrase "whisper it (quietly) but...", the Big Premier League "Manager or Head Coach" Quiz for 2022-23, the slightly fictional-sounding ex-Serie A journeyman now playing in the tenth tier of English football and the definitive "breath of fresh air" team in Premier League history

Meanwhile, Charlie reports from Seoul on how former Leeds and Manchester United ball of fury Alan Smith helped create an everyday Korean cliché.

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Heathrow Ultras, the Butcher of Amsterdam & Every Premier League pre-season friendly ever

Tue, 19 Jul 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller gather for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: the sad demise of the football/politics analogy, the sensational story arc of William "Worst Miss of All Time" Akio, Lisandro Martinez - the last remaining footballing "butcher", this week's Transfer That Just Sounds So Right and the most successful footballing full name of all time.

Meanwhile, the panel nail down the mandatory types of Premier League pre-season friendly, from goal-filled clashes with far-flung domestic-league "All Star XIs" to "friendly they agreed to three years ago after poaching that small club's academy player for a pittance".

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The Pure Team GB Olympic XI

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, James Maw and debutant Ajay Rose mark 10 years since Team GB cobbled together a men's football team for London 2012, one of the most curious one-offs in modern football history, by asking: what would that team look like today?

Mark Noble or no Mark Noble? What other Olympic sport should someone called "James Ward-Prowse" be competing in? And which manager would lead this XI in 2022?

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel revive the age-old debate of whether an own goal can "nestle" and enjoy the latest commentary highlight of Euro 2022.

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Taliswomen, the worst miss of all time and the summer World Cup you didn't know about

Tue, 12 Jul 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and James Maw form the latest Adjudication Panel.

On the agenda: Can Denmark's Pernille Harder be Denmark's "talis...woman"? Breaking down every element of the greatest miss in football history, the definitive list of footballing "merchants", Aidy Boothroyd's new job in India, some very economical co-commentary from Mark Bright, and what it means to "meet" a cross.

Plus, there's a special report from Adam's visit to the World Cup of.....foosball.

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Mickey Mouse on a Bosman, QPR's Nick Kyrgios and fishing with David Seaman

Tue, 05 Jul 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller convene for the Adjudication Panel once again. On the agenda: Champions League football coming to the BBC, the Barry Davies World Cup 2002 commentary we all thought was lost forever, Mickey Mouse leaving Disney on a free, and players who have two "unfinished business" transfers in a row.

Meanwhile, the panel decide the likely football careers of the men's last 16 at Wimbledon and enjoy David Seaman hosting a live fishing quiz on Instagram.

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Max Rushden on Sunday League aggro, ex-footballer ice-breakers and the noble art of the target man

Thu, 30 Jun 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by Guardian Football Weekly host and former Soccer AM ace Max Rushden for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Max's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are unnecessarily violent Sunday League opponents, the nostalgic glory of the target man, banal football questions posed by official social media accounts and 5-a-side team-mates who refuse to play the ball backwards.

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Long-lost commentary, transfer-coup thresholds & the birth of the Cold Night in Stoke

Tue, 28 Jun 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Nick Miller and James Maw are on this week's Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: another blow for those who still call it "the Premiership", whether Gabriel Jesus to Arsenal counts as a "transfer coup", Marseille and Real Betis going head-to-head in...Chesterfield and the podcast's most disturbing montage yet. Meanwhile, the panel recall some iconic but long-lost commentary lines and take a deep dive into the complex history of "a [rainy/cold/windy] [Tuesday/Wednesday] night in Stoke."

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Corrie kit crimes, unplayable strikers and training-ground naming conventions

Tue, 21 Jun 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker convene for the Adjudication Panel once again. On the agenda: some semi-convincing football small talk on Coronation Street, Frank Lampard's accurate portrayal on Football Manager, the most training-groundy training ground name possible and what we mean when we say a striker is "unplayable on their day."

Meanwhile, the panel humour some desperate close-season projects: calculating the precise UK coordinates of the average Premier League goal and a definitive 92-club league table of how acceptable it is to say "for my sins" after declaring who you support.

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Touchline bust-ups, Pro Evo commentary and "dislocated shoelaces", with Lawro

Thu, 16 Jun 2022 15:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by former Liverpool defender, European Cup winner and long-serving BBC pundit Mark Lawrenson or, as simply everyone knows him, Lawro.

Among Lawro's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are managerial touchline bust-ups, referees making players walk over to them to get booked and, of course, "players squealing when they get tackled".

Meanwhile, Lawro discusses the cultural reach of his now-retired BBC predictions column, his curious Pro Evo 2010 commentary and that alleged on-air falling-out with Guy Mowbray during a live World Cup game.

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Robo-linos, basement boys England and the future stars of Soccer Aid

Tue, 14 Jun 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for the latest edition of the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: celebrity baker Paul Hollywood, Rolls-Royce cricketers, The Killers playing Carrow Road, England's Nations League relegation dogfight and a look at the curious annual phenomenon of Soccer Aid.

Meanwhile, the panel decide if Liverpool's signing of Darwin Nunez qualifies as "a statement of intent" and what makes a fit-again player "like a new signing".

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Flimsy transfer language, the "super sub" threshold and Hojbjerg vs Egg

Tue, 07 Jun 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller assemble for the latest edition of the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: football talk creeping into cricket and darts, the flimsiest possible language used for transfer speculation, Thibaut Courtois' ongoing war against the content creators and Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg giving his verdict on some Korean food.

Meanwhile, the panel define the parameters for a "super sub" and discuss the current state of mid-game Mexican waves.

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The dying art of the stepover, and superficial footballing superstitions, with Dotun Adebayo

Wed, 01 Jun 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by host of the Brazilian Shirt Name Podcast, 5 Live presenter, Charlton Athletic supporter and existential philosophy enthusiast Dotun Adebayo

Among Dotun's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are the dying art of the stepover, the misunderstood application of 'philosophy' in football, superficial footballing superstitions and the 0-0 draw.

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The evolution of goalkeeper celebrations and "the pause before the roar", with Conor McNamara

Tue, 31 May 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by BBC commentator Conor McNamara for the latest instalment of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Conor's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are the precise techniques of goalkeepers' goal celebrations, the "pause before the roar" that commentators are trained to fill with expert timing and the tricky logistics of pre-match team huddles.

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Great Escapes, double guards of honour and the body language of Erik ten Hag

Wed, 25 May 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and James Maw assemble for this week's Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the true definition of a "Great Escape" (and why Everton and Leeds don't qualify), Erik ten Hag's rough start at the hands of the UK's only body-language expert, a dubious double guard of honour in Spain and the final Keys & Gray Corner of 2021-22.

Meanwhile, the panel establish the two types of footballing "prowess" and examine a Watford coach's very curious end-of-season compilation video.

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Muted celebrators and magnanimous managers: The Classy Touch XI

Thu, 19 May 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker explore the curious coverage of footballers' gestures of humanity by selecting the most traditional "classy touches" on and off the pitch, from goalkeepers refusing to celebrate their freak goals against their opposite numbers to the complex art of muted celebrations.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel compare some charmingly obscure official club merchandise and one listener gets in touch to vent his fury about the way footballers clap.

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Going down in instalments, Eurovision's "big five" and a stunning football chant discovery

Tue, 17 May 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for this week's Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Eurovision's football parallels, perhaps the greatest ever real-life case of a goal-shy striker "needing one to go in off his backside", the true definition of "going down in instalments" and an astonishing chant by fans of Bishop's Stortford FC from 2007.

Meanwhile, the panel discuss whether it is acceptable for a fan to wear a signed shirt to a match and share their disbelief over Alastair Campbell's 2018 football/terrorism novel "Saturday Bloody Saturday".

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The Pure FA Cup XI

Thu, 12 May 2022 03:45:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Jack Pitt-Brooke select the most magical all-time FA Cup line-up of all, with fierce competition in goal, a rollercoaster of Cup fortunes in defence, a truly romantic midfield, a cast-iron choice up front and one very unfortunately-named referee to keep them all in line.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel decide whether Man City's deal for Erling Haaland is the most last-piece-of-the-jigsawy signing of all time and wonder how much longer Aston Villa Football

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Pundits on the beach, pantomime crowd noises & the language of balls vs woodwork

Tue, 10 May 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller form this week's Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this time: the Spanish media rattled by an unexpected English voice, the number of departing players needed for a "fire sale" or a "clearout", a spectacular hat-trick of curious penalty punditry, the most pantomime crowd noise of the season, and why Schalke should adopt the Birds of a Feather theme tune as their pre-match anthem.Meanwhile, the panel semi-successfully attempt to establish The Official Scale of Terminology for the Ball Hitting or Missing the Woodwork.

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Swashbuckling centre-backs & mercurial wingers: The Classic Adjective XI

Thu, 05 May 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker select a lineup of the most classic footballer-related adjectives, from "eccentric" goalkeepers to "impish" forwards via "talismanic" midfielders.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel pick out the classic protagonists of a textbook pitch invasion, cast doubt over the Premier League futures of some emerging transfer-gossip stars and take a deep dive into Richard Keys and Andy Gray's 2002 appearance on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

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Wine for Jose, premature calm-before-the-storm-ing and Keysey in "Big Saino's"

Tue, 03 May 2022 16:57:20 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker form the Adjudication Panel once again. On the agenda this time: Snooker players wearing their "scoring boots", the enduring mini-obsession with managers buying Jose Mourinho a bottle of wine, the definition of a footballing "linchpin", positions that footballers can be "by trade" and a concerning instalment of Keys & Gray Corner.

Meanwhile, the panel debate when a club is allowed to tweet "The calm before the storm" ahead of a big game and the complex threshold at which it is acceptable for a live TV game to focus on the stadium scoreboard.

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Off-duty Peter Drury, Big Sam's call of nature and mistranslating Mourinho, with Ned Boulting

Thu, 28 Apr 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by sports broadcaster and author Ned Boulting for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Ned's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are his good friend Peter Drury, the unique tenses used in footballspeak, the misunderstood Jose Mourinho and elite players' obsession with golf.

Meanwhile, Ned reveals how he pioneered the divisive art of pre-match TV poetry and the mundane secrets of interviewing footballers.

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Gilt-edged penalties, managers kicking every ball and the proverbial Row G

Wed, 27 Apr 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for another Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this time: some wholesome commentator giggling, Netflix dramas getting in on the Clichés act, Channel 4 winning the rights to England games this summer, which Premier League manager "kicks every ball" the most and who Richard Keys thinks should have got the Manchester United job.

Meanwhile, the panel ask: can a penalty ever be “a gilt-edged chance”?

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The Football Clichés Quiz IV

Thu, 21 Apr 2022 03:00:00 GMT

In the fourth instalment of the Clichés quiz, reigning champion Charlie Eccleshare aims to become the first to successfully defend the title as he takes on mandatory challenger James Maw.

They battle it out over five rounds, including Players Who Somehow Didn't Play For That Club, Wikipedia “Style of Play” sub-sections and, as tradition dictates, the potentially pivotal football clichés round.

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A voyage into dreamland, hockey commentary gold & predicting half-time interviews

Tue, 19 Apr 2022 23:46:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker are back for another Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: the precise criteria for a team being in "dreamland", the #classiest football photo ever taken, some surprise commentary from the top table of European hockey and the most Richard Keys tweet ever constructed.

Meanwhile, the panel dismantle a very curious depiction of modern football from Sidney Sheldon's 2004 crime thriller Are You Afraid of the Dark?

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The Trademark Goal XI

Thu, 14 Apr 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Michael Cox use their vivid footballing imaginations to put together a team of industry-standard goalscorers, from goalkeepers venturing up for last-minute corners to inverted wingers cutting inside to do the inevitable.

Among the big decisions to be made in this 4-3-3 lineup are: Why are left-backs more spectacular than right-backs? Just what do managers really mean when they challenge a midfielder to "add goals to his game"? When does a "curler" become a "pearler"? And what constitutes a classic No 9's goal in the year 2022?

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Combovers, Surname-ball and Andy Gray's Beef Olé

Tue, 12 Apr 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for another Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: a novel new word for a near-post flick-on, examining football's classy new fad of crest-respecting, the most Australian co-commentator of all time, and a bumper instalment of Keys & Gray Corner.

Meanwhile, the panel discuss which manager was the first to earn themselves the "Surname-ball" honour, what makes a player an "old warhorse" and what exactly constitute "the basics" in football.

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Maracana phoneboxes and "the zone of elaboration", with Tim Vickery

Thu, 07 Apr 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by the BBC's South American football correspondent Tim Vickery for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Tim's selections for his footballing loves and hates are traffic-stopping post-match celebrations, the relentlessness of the Brazilian football calendar and impatient, vertical football

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Superman's goalkeeping, Gary Neville's favourite phrases & Brighton's 25.8% urge-to-shoot record

Tue, 05 Apr 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker line up for this week's Adjudication Panel.

On the agenda: Gary Neville's two favourite phrases in the English language, Brighton's Graham Potter finally loses patience with a traditional crowd noise, Antonio Conte wins a weird little trophy and some commentary highlights from the footballing weekend.

Meanwhile, the panel look back at some 2013 predictions for the team that will win England the World Cup on Qatar and decide, once and for all, the exact lyrics to that song teams sing when they're jumping up and down after winning a title.

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Tenuous booing reasons, Frasier's football film and the most England-y World Cup draw possible

Thu, 31 Mar 2022 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for a bonus edition of the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Jeff Stelling's Soccer Saturday U-turn, Kelsey Grammer's new football film and a look ahead to what England can almost certainly expect in the World Cup draw.

Meanwhile, the panel assess some spectacularly sketchy reasons for booing footballers during a game.

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Gareth Bale's mantelpiece, Peter Drury at the darts & the Pure Masters Football six-a-side team

Tue, 29 Mar 2022 11:45:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for this week's Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the definition of the footballing verb "to slot", unexpected commentator accents for far-flung World Cup qualifying matches, what it means to be "a sleeping giant" and a vintage, non-football slice of Peter Drury.

Meanwhile, to mark the forthcoming return of Masters football, the panel put together the definitive six-a-side lineup of accessible, still-got-it over-35s to grace the "iconic" blue pitch.

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Cup final songs, pre-match TV poetry and Robbie Keane's dreams, with Séamas O'Reilly

Thu, 24 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Nick Miller are joined by bestselling author and columnist Séamas O'Reilly for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Séamas' selections for his footballing loves and hates are the demise of the FA Cup final song, the underrated but anatomically awkward Irish legend Robbie Keane, the filler content of the average footballer's autobiography, pre-match TV poetry and the depraved depths of the chat boxes on illegal livestreams.

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Leyton Orient's staunch stanchions and how to celebrate like you've won the league

Tue, 22 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller line up for this week's Adjudication Panel. On the latest agenda: An unexpected podcast tribute from US high school ice hockey, a revelation about Leyton Orient's unique goalframes, the threshold for "celebrating like you've won the league" and an actually quite reasonable opinion from Richard Keys.

Meanwhile, the panel try to establish the official [Manager X’s Team Y] Premier League Table, with "Sean Dyche's Burnley" the favourites on paper to take the title...

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Maisie Adam on vuvuzelas, greasy burgers and managers 'doing a Bunty'

Thu, 17 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by comedian and Leeds United fan Maisie Adam for the latest instalment of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Maisie's selections for her footballing loves and hates are the 2010 World Cup's much-maligned vuvuzela, England's stubbornly outdated matchday food offerings and managers who just can't let their old clubs go.

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A certain Mr Tom Brady, Wout Weghorst's scrapbook and a steak dinner with Richard Keys

Tue, 15 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker form this week's Adjudication Panel. The agenda includes: the Premier League Net Noise of the Week, NFL legend Tom Brady being spotted at Old Trafford by literally everybody, some glorious crowd sounds from Elland Road and Richard Keys' favourite home recipe.

Meanwhile, the panel examine just who is "well within their rights" to shoot at goal and from where, and which stadiums qualify to be a "famous old ground".

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The Generic Modern Football XI

Thu, 10 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Jack Pitt-Brooke combine their footballing intellects to perform a stock-take of football in 2022 and select the most generic lineup possible.

Among the anonymous figures on the teamsheet are a short-sleeved, side-volleying goalkeeper, a press-resistant walking yellow card of a midfield fulcrum, a false-false No 9 and a standout managerial candidate to lead them out in their bowl-shaped out-of-town megastadium...

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Roy Keane's upper register, technical-area testiculation and allowable olé-ing

Tue, 08 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker line up for the Adjudication Panel. This week's agenda includes: the latest overblown Sky Sports punditry, Roberto Carlos finds himself in a Shropshire village pub, reviewing the debut crime thriller by Mesut Ozil's agent and, of course, Keys & Gray Corner.

Meanwhile, the panel establish the parameters for a team's goal to be "living a charmed life", disagree about bicycle kicks and undertake some forensic analysis of some historical Premier League olé-ing.

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Match of the Day's Robyn Cowen on applauding crossfield passes and footballers who don't look like footballers

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Nick Miller are joined by Match of the Day commentator Robyn Cowen for another edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Robyn's selections for her footballing fascinations and irritations are the weird things that we mindlessly clap during matches, the obsession with the Match of the Day running order and the futility of pre-match interviews with managers.

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Reggaeton referees, silenced MLS chainsaws and a weekend with Keys & Gray

Tue, 01 Mar 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Nick Miller and James Maw gather for this week's Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Jamie Redknapp's fury at Chelsea's penalty-shootout strategy, the surprise Latin origin of two full-back-related football phrases, a new twist for "the corridor of uncertainty", and some unparalleled crowd-silencing from Major League Soccer.

Meanwhile, the panel indulge in a bumper edition of Keys & Gray Corner, in which the Doha duo chart the last hours of Marcelo Bielsa's Leeds United reign.

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Little eels, international breaks and Bum Bum Quagliarella, with James Richardson

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by the Totally Football Show supremo and acceptable face of golden-era Serie A, James Richardson.

James' selections for his fascinations and irritations of football include: the rivalry-defying joy of Fabio Quagliarella, Roma's rousing pre-match anthem at the Stadio Olimpico, commentators' innocuous but unacceptable turns of phrase, and his complex relationship with the beginning, middle and end of an international break.

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Own goals: the final boss, Armbandmania and Maximum Peter Drury

Tue, 22 Feb 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller convene for this week's Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: where human civilisation can really go next after a perfect hat-trick of own goals, some very slightly overaggressive Scottish goal commentary from La Liga, Joe Cole and the genesis of the phrase "farmers league" and the latest tribute to intercontinental Premier League brand ambassador Peter Drury.

Meanwhile, the panel lament a mild outbreak of "Armbandmania" and bask in the glory of the once-in-an-era event that is Cameron Jerome, Connor Wickham and Saido Berahino all scoring on the same day.

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Keane vs Souness & The Pure BeIN Sports XI

Thu, 17 Feb 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker delve back into the world of football punditry to decide each UK broadcaster's definitive studio lineup, from ITV's settled squad to Sky Sports' waistcoated elite (via the freelance free-for-all of Amazon Prime Video.)

Meanwhile, the pod finally gets round to compiling the Pure BeIN Sports XI, the ultimate lineup of Keys-and-Gray-approved pundits.

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Lineker does Lampard, staring down the barrel of a win and the definition of "swazz"

Tue, 15 Feb 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker line up for the Adjudication Panel.

On the agenda this week: Gary Lineker's 6/10 Frank Lampard impression, the worst possible moment for a co-commentator to hail an unsung hero, the hotly-disputed definition of "swazz", the latest from Keys & Gray out in Qatar, and the panel ponder whether it is indeed possible to stare down the barrel of a win.

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Rhys James on initiation songs, post-defeat Twitter apologies and the ubiquitous Dion Dublin

Thu, 10 Feb 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by comedian and writer Rhys James for another edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Rhys's selections are the enduring tradition of initiation songs for new signings, the life and work of Dion Dublin and the internet conspiracy against people who just want to know what TV channel a game will be on.

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"What is a half-chance?", sleeping with trophies and penalty shootout celebration etiquette

Tue, 08 Feb 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: the major trophies it would be most comfortable to share a bed with, the ongoing crisis of club-name abbreviations during live TV games and the official guidelines for post-penalty-shootout celebrations.

Meanwhile, the panel discuss the factors that define the threshold at which a goalscoring chance becomes merely a "half-chance".

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Professor Sir Jonathan Van-Tam on metaphorical football matches and Gazza at Boston United

Fri, 04 Feb 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by England's deputy chief medical officer and pandemic cult hero Professor Sir Jonathan Van-Tam for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Van-Tam's selections for his fascinations and irritations are the occasional accuracy of football films, the terrace humour down in the English sixth tier, weak referees allowing flagrant timewasting and the uniquely footballing anxiety that comes with "scoring too early".

Meanwhile, JVT shares memories of Paul Gascoigne turning out for his beloved Boston United, explains how he's convincing his family to let him have a BUFC tattoo, and we finally piece together the pulsating football match he used as his famous vaccination metaphor.

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"In and around the Kremlin", Frank Lampard's Football Clubs & the January Transfer Window XI

Wed, 02 Feb 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker form this week's Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: A young fan's tin-foil Papa John's Trophy, trying to establish the criteria for answering the age-old question of "Who won the transfer window?" and picking apart Frank Lampard's first interview as manager of Everton (Football Club).

Meanwhile, the panel run through a "January Transfers That Just Sound So Right XI", captained by Aston Villa's Calum Chambers.

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The Future Turkish Super Lig XI

Thu, 27 Jan 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Jack Pitt-Brooke mark the impending climax of the transfer window by embarking on an ambitious attempt to compile a line-up of players seemingly destined for a cultural cornerstone of modern European football: the Turkish top flight.

Among those whose careers are getting a speculative reboot are a back-up Premier League goalkeeper, an immobile but explosive left-back, captain Granit Xhaka finally finding his rightful home amid a 13-man melee at the Ali Sami Yen and the inevitable Andriy Yarmolenko - plus, there's a shock call-up for a man desperate to escape the vacuum between the Premier League and the Championship.

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"Come what February", Pep vs Pat and Lukaku's bangers

Tue, 25 Jan 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker convene the Adjudication Panel once more.

On the agenda this week: A potential world record for “fans counting out how long a goalkeeper is holding the ball”, the enduring ding-dong battle that is Pep Guardiola vs Sky's Patrick Davison, Romelu Lukaku’s implausible plant-based protein promo patter, how a team "takes the sting out of a game" and excruciating football-crossover scenes from the Australian Open tennis.

Meanwhile, the panel enjoy Paul Merson artfully mangling an old cliché and guess how much Phil Dowd's referee shirt from the 2010 Carling Cup final is going for on eBay

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Josh Denzel on fan-hugging etiquette, hapless stadium announcers and Turf Moor trips

Thu, 20 Jan 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by sports presenter and 27th member of England's Euro 2020 squad Josh Denzel for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Josh's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are hugging random strangers after a goal, the various quirks of the Premier League's stadium announcers and away trips to Burnley.

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Steve McManaman's iconic hands, silencing the snooker ultras, and the midfielder's union

Tue, 18 Jan 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker form the Adjudication Panel once again. On the agenda this week: more unique Serie A vocals, snooker's answer to mid-1990s Galatasaray, a £250 scale model of Steve McManaman (with four sets of "iconic" detachable hands), Andy Townsend reviews the Foo Fighters and one listener launches a spirited defence of long-distance runners making up the numbers at 5-a-side

Meanwhile, the panel run through football's proverbial trade unions, from the perennially paranoid Goalkeepers' Union to the surely unworkable Midfielders' Union.

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Sir Keir Starmer on his matchday rituals, the humanity of 5-a-side and ketchup bans

Fri, 14 Jan 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Jack Pitt-Brooke are joined by Sir Keir Starmer, leader of the opposition, for the latest instalment of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Keir's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are fans' matchday rituals, the great leveller that is amateur five-a-side, the intense irritation of sitting next to a fan who commentates through the game and Premier League managers' ketchup bans.

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21-foot-tall defences, "Desmond 2-2" and wrongly-timed wondergoals

Tue, 11 Jan 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker gather for the latest Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: a never-heard-before commentator tone of voice, an unexpected tribute to the late, great Desmond Tutu, football words popping up in second-tier American wrestling events, wrongly-timed wondergoals, and the greatest Twitter reply to an official club statement EVER.

Meanwhile, the panel decide the precise threshold for having "one foot in the next round of the FA Cup" and whether consolation goals have been unfairly discriminated against all these years.

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Injury time subs, Screwfix adverts and begging for players' shirts, with Jonathan Liew

Thu, 06 Jan 2022 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by The Guardian sports writer Jonathan Liew for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Jonathan's selections for his footballing fascinations and irritations are the soundtracks to YouTube football compilations, tenuous football references in non-football advertising and the modern Premier League epidemic of "Can I have your shirt [Player X]?" signs.

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In and around with Andy Townsend, Booooooodison Park and "famous wins"

Wed, 05 Jan 2022 01:01:34 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for the first Adjudication Panel of 2022. On the agenda this time: the old master Andy Townsend showing us how it's done, Richard Keys and Andy Gray in top form over in Doha and elite-level booing from the Evertonians.

Meanwhile, the panel attempt to set some parameters for "a famous win" and enjoy the early breeze through the newly-opened January transfer window.

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The Best of Football Clichés in 2021 - Part Two

Tue, 28 Dec 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Soccer Saturday obsessions, Kevin Keegan’s surprising meat industry knowledge, decoding the punditry of Roy Keane, the purest co-commentary of all time, Jamie Carragher’s Mesut Haaland Dicks, random footballers’ names in songs, the "Didn’t Play for Sam Allardyce’s Bolton But Really Should Have Done" XI, the art of "You’re just a s*** [Player X] , the purest essence of Ally McCoist and a titanic quiz finale...

Wrapping up the very best of the truly unique Football Clichés podcast in 2021.

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The Best of Football Clichés in 2021 - Part One

Tue, 21 Dec 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The definitive Barclays Premier League XI, what Peter Drury hates about football, the most comprehensive examination of the words “the game’s gone”, how to be a co-commentator (aka The Lulu Effect), why Tom Rosenthal hates you shouting tactical advice from the stands, getting in and around Doc Brown, the precise psychology of Sunday League, 2 minutes and 20 seconds of just David Seaman chuckling…and the greatest moment in football podcasting history.

In the first of a festive two-parter, revisit the very best of the truly unique Football Clichés podcast in 2021.

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The Football Clichés Quiz III

Thu, 16 Dec 2021 02:23:23 GMT

One year on from claiming the title in controversial - some may even say scandalous - scenes, Jack Pitt-Brooke defends his Clichés Quiz crown against highly-rated challenger Charlie Eccleshare.

They battle it out over five rounds, including made-up football Wikipedia pages, players who may or may not have played for QPR, the language of the beautiful game and "Famous Goals, as Commentated on by Adam Hurrey’s Football-Averse Dad".

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Boris Johnson losing the dressing room & Brendan Rodgers patting Eddie Howe

Tue, 14 Dec 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Adam Leventhal meet for the final Adjudication Panel of 2021. The latest agenda includes: Boris Johnson's "Mourinho season", the Serie A co-commentary moment we all wanted to happen and a forensic examination of Brendan Rodgers’ pre-match patting of Eddie Howe’s upper torso.

Meanwhile, the panel react to another astonishing world record for post-joke commentary silence during a live TV game.

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Advanced geography, illegal livestreaming & unfashionable football shirts, with Michael Cox

Thu, 09 Dec 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and James Maw are joined by Michael Cox for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Michael's selections for his footballing loves and hates are the basic geographical knowledge that the game gifts you, the 3pm blackout (and the guilty pleasure of illegal livestreaming) and the desperate attempts to make football shirts fashionable.

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Chess co-commentary, shop windows and the Purest Essence of Ally McCoist

Tue, 07 Dec 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for another Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this time: some blissfully unaware Serie A commentators, the standards of modern chess punditry, and whether the verb "roofed" should be welcomed into the goalscoring vernacular.

Meanwhile, the panel thrash out the precise definition of a footballing "shop window" and there's a 49.3-second audio masterpiece that is The Purest Essence of Ally McCoist.

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Record terrestrial TV scorelines, forbidden zeroes and "taking one for the team"

Thu, 02 Dec 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker meet for the Adjudication Panel once again. In their in-tray this time: Professor Jonathan Van-Tam's lengthiest football analogy so far, Sean Dyche refusing to engage with the Premier League news cycle, Amazon Prime's refreshing commentary performances and why data can reveal the earliest moment a player should "take one for the team" with a red card.

Meanwhile, the panel ponder whether the word "zero" will ever climb alongside "nil" and "nothing" to find acceptance in English football.

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The Emirates Screamer, plant-based Bovril & early Christmas presents

Tue, 30 Nov 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller gather for a jam-packed Adjudication Panel. On this week's agenda: the Highbury Screamer lives on, the precise minimum distance for a shot to be met with "...and why not?" from a commentator, yet another player-ratings scandal and Graham Potter taking on his Brighton boo boys.

Meanwhile, the panel try and nail down the earliest date that careless backpasses can be described as "an early Christmas present".

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Floodlights, Traktor Stalingrad & Championship Manager 01/02, with Danny Kelly

Thu, 25 Nov 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and David Walker are joined by broadcaster Danny Kelly for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Danny's selections for his footballing loves and hates are the romance of floodlit matches, the glorious club-name prefixes of the Communist era, the sweet spot of football management simulators and a novel solution for limelight-seeking referees.

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Shock archaeological swap deals & the nuances of "You’re just a s*** [Player X]"

Tue, 23 Nov 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker form the Adjudication Panel once again. On the agenda this time: Greece and Britain's Elgin Marbles negotiations being reported in transferspeak, stadium announcers going beyond the call of duty and the very precise language of the relegation zone.

Meanwhile, the panel discuss - in depth - how many "gears" a team can shift into during a performance and the true difference between "caretaker" and "interim" managers.

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Last-minute winners and ruining the away fans' day, with Nedum Onuoha

Thu, 18 Nov 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by Premier League defender turned broadcaster Nedum Onuoha for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Among Nedum's nominations for his footballing fascinations and irritations are last-minute winners, outspoken pundits who have forgotten what it's like to be a player and the lack of authenticity on footballers' social media accounts.

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Saying all the right things on the managerial merry-go-round

Tue, 16 Nov 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare convene for another edition of the Adjudication Panel. On the latest agenda: updating the "managerial merry-go-round", analysing Harry Maguire's loaded goal celebration and the horrifying spectacle of a team forming their own guard of honour.

Meanwhile, the panel explore the mandatory things a new manager must say at their unveiling to pass the "spoke very well" test.

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Scripting the most regular weekend of Premier League football possible

Thu, 11 Nov 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller put together the most textbook Premier League weekend schedule: from Friday night under the lights at the Emirates, the most Saturday 12.30pm kick-off possible, Manchester City 5 Burnley 0, the phantom untelevised 2pm Sunday game that you’d actually rather be watching instead, futile calls for refereeing consistency and...Monday night under the lights at Goodison.

One regular weekend of Premier League. That's all we ask. Could one day happen.

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Acromioclavicular subluxation and the art of self-deprecatory football chants

Tue, 09 Nov 2021 02:03:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare meet for another Adjudication Panel. The latest agenda features a salsa-flavoured cover of World in Motion, a definitive explanation of “the lion’s share of possession”, the very specific scenarios in which players do not “cover themselves in glory”, some premature festive co-commentary and the Vatican City’s FA Cup kicking off in earnest.

Meanwhile, the panel explore the humble sub-genre of self-deprecatory football chants, from the charming optimism of "we're gonna win 5-4" to Norwich's recent masterpiece, "How s*** must you be, we're drawing away."

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Defining "unfinished business" and a deep dive into non-verbal football communication

Thu, 04 Nov 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller explore some more glorious footballing niches. This time, Football Clichés finds itself in a podcast awards Group of Death, the "political football analogy" silly season is officially in full swing and it's that time of year again: the release of the Premier League's yellow ball.

Meanwhile, the panel explore just what constitutes a manager having "unfinished business" in the Premier League, unorthodox ways of following your team in action and the underappreciated hand gestures of the modern game.

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"You don't know what you're doing"

Tue, 02 Nov 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and James Maw form this week's Adjudication Panel. The latest agenda includes unexpected celebrities offering their takes on hot football topics, the legally-mandated contents of Antonio Conte’s Tottenham “in-tray” and some people taking Jeff Stelling’s impending Soccer Saturday exit far, far too seriously…

Meanwhile, the panel assess a potential new world record for "length of silence following a joke from a co-commentator during a live TV game."

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The “Didn't Play For Sam Allardyce's Bolton But Really Should Have Done” XI

Wed, 27 Oct 2021 17:19:48 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller revisit one of the cultural cornerstones of Premier League history and attempt to compile a line-up of mid-2000s talent that somehow never turned out for Sam Allardyce at the Reebok Stadium.

Ruffling the big clubs' hypothetical feathers are barrel-chested Danish internationals, semi-retired Iberian centre-halves, a highly functional midfield engine room, damaged goods at No 10 and a genuine warhorse up front.

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Harry Maguire looking in the mirror, midfield engine rooms and matches that "have everything"

Mon, 25 Oct 2021 16:09:15 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller bring you another instalment of the Adjudication Panel. This week's big questions include: Can a game be so bad that it gets both managers sacked? How late is it acceptable to say “this has got 0-0 written all over it”? And what precisely does a football match need to have “had everything”?

Meanwhile, the panel examine another classic slice of Weird Post-Match Pep Guardiola, explore the concept of the "midfield engine room" and one intrepid listener discovers the true, belly-dancing genius behind the Football Clichés podcast's theme tune

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Diving headers, warring team-mates and goal music, with David Prutton

Thu, 21 Oct 2021 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and David Walker are joined by Premier League midfielder turned Sky Sports presenter David Prutton for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Prutton's nominations for his love and hates of football include the rare sight of a diving header, team-mates arguing on the pitch, lazy punditry phrases and the scourge of stadiums playing music after goals.

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Warnock as Forrest Gump, referees in jeans and the Football Podcast "Big Six"

Tue, 19 Oct 2021 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller convene for a jam-packed edition of the Adjudication Panel. This week's agenda includes: Neil Warnock's Forrest Gump impression, calculating the maximum number of times two teams could theoretically play each other in a single season, 40-goal thrillers in the 16th tier of the English pyramid and some truly excellent TV-drama football small talk.

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Nutmegs, pre-match cheeseburgers and 40-year-old goalkeepers, with Ralph Ineson

Thu, 14 Oct 2021 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by Ralph Ineson, star of The Office, Game of Thrones and the Harry Potter films, for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Ralph's loves, hates, fascinations and irritations of football include: the joy (and cruelty) of nutmegs, touching the match ball when it flies into the stand, the irritation of short corners and co-commentators who clearly hate your club.

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Watching football at the pub and the neverending joy of Ally McCoist

Tue, 12 Oct 2021 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller assemble for another Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: Ally McCoist's international co-commentary masterclass, Steve Bruce's inevitable next career step and a worrying new Italian offside experiment.

Meanwhile, the panel examine the practical and psychological challenges of a very specific form of football consumption: watching a game at the pub.

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Crosses into Quality Street, Andy Gray's top drawer and random footballers' names in songs

Thu, 07 Oct 2021 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker assemble for another Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this time: Troy Deeney's autobiography emoji, the credentials of "Quality Street" as a long-term successor to the corridor of uncertainty, Everton fans tracking sand dredgers in the Irish Sea, and when footballers' names appear unexpectedly in song lyrics.

Meanwhile, there's a brief journey into the often awkward sub-genre that is "football commentary re-recorded after the event for various reasons".

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Episode 100 with Jamie Carragher

Tue, 05 Oct 2021 02:30:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare chalk up a century of episodes as Jamie Carragher joins for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Carragher's selection of footballing fascinations and irritations include centre-backs being sent up front, the excitement that comes with signing a star of a major tournament and a truly underreported crime: fans applauding strikers who block clearances down the line that then go out for a goal kick.

Meanwhile, Carragher is grilled about his involvement in the 1997 Sony Minidisc Euro Sixes, the weirdest six-a-side tournament of all time.

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Raps, Roars and "Roo": How (not) to write a football headline

Thu, 30 Sep 2021 02:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Jack Pitt-Brooke and Alex Kay-Jelski pick apart the often awkward but occasionally glorious genre of football headlines, from "Super Caley go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious" to "Lionel Flair!", via the strict rules that govern the evergreen "Z, Y and Z" long-read headline format.

Plus: the definitive guide to words that only appear at the top of football stories - but you should never say them out loud.

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The purest co-commentary ever, scontro salvezza and how three teenagers prank-called English football

Tue, 28 Sep 2021 02:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller meet for another Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: the most relatable piece of co-commentary ever recorded, Jonathan Pearce's one-man mission to get men back on the posts at corners, the phrase "six-pointer" goes into Europe and the campaign to start using the word "doubler" officially kicks off.

Meanwhile, the podcast's first-ever live caller tells the previously unheard story of how three teenagers, with a handful of 20ps and a copy of Championship Manager 97/98, almost turned the world of football transfers upside down.

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Classy touches and second-half capitulations, with Clive Martin

Thu, 23 Sep 2021 02:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and David Walker are joined by writer Clive Martin for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Martin's loves, hates, fascinations and irritations of football include: Premier League players visiting kids in hospital, teams capitulating after half-time, the failing national institution that is Arsenal Football Club and the curious career trajectory of Andre Villas-Boas.

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"Footovers", quaint referee abuse and decoding Roy Keane

Tue, 21 Sep 2021 02:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker gather for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: Phil Jones finally gets his deserved (and very detailed) revenge on the keyboard warriors, why Alan Smith has been using the word "footover" on Sky Sports since at least 2014, and your tales of distinctly PG-rated matchday outbursts at players and referees.

Meanwhile, the panel tackle the very precise punditry sub-genre of "talking about a player as they warm up before a televised game” and identify a curious pattern to the Super Sunday irritations of Roy Keane.

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The Pure Europa League XI

Thu, 16 Sep 2021 00:11:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, James Maw and Jack Pitt-Brooke languish in the second tier of European football to establish the most Europa League lineup possible: from diminutive Iberian playmakers to Brazilians with one name and a squad number between 80-99, via a lengthy dispute over the merits of Victor Moses.

Led out, naturally, by Unai Emery, these are the ultimate Thursday-nighters.

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Martin Tyler's Merseyside Reds and barbecuing with Kevin Keegan

Tue, 14 Sep 2021 02:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller assemble for the Adjudication Panel. On the agenda this week: Richard Keys and Andy Gray bravely dismantling the Marcelo Bielsa Myth, Mike Dean's comedy TV cameo, and the latest entry into the grand pantheon of freak footballing injuries.

Meanwhile, the panel enjoy some more peak Peter Drury and some frankly incredible scenes from the 2021 Meat Management Industry Awards... hosted by Kevin Keegan.

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The 12 Stages of a club crisis - PART 2

Thu, 09 Sep 2021 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Jack Pitt-Brooke and Phil Hay trawl through the history books to finally nail down the definitive twelve stages of a club crisis.

In part two of this special double-header the panel ponder whether the dreaded vote of confidence is still relevant in the social media age, examine how many ways a beleaguered manager can pretend he's not beleaguered and engage in a very important discussion about the most effective methods of writing protest messages on old bedsheets.

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The twelve stages of a club crisis - PART 1

Tue, 07 Sep 2021 03:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Jack Pitt-Brooke and Phil Hay trawl through the history books to finally nail down the definitive twelve stages of a club crisis.

In part one of this special double-header our panel document the early warning signs of a club in turmoil including pre-season woe, opening day deflation via transfer window frustration, and the eternal debate about ketchup in the canteen.

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Half-volleys and diving hysteria, with actual footballer Cillian Sheridan

Wed, 01 Sep 2021 22:41:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and David Walker are joined by the much-travelled striker Cillian Sheridan for the latest edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Sheridan uses all his experience to share his love of retro football boots, the satisfaction of a good half-volley and why he gets so annoyed by football commentators.

Meanwhile, he decides if he really is a "beanpole journeyman" and why diving just really isn't that big a deal.

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Physios wearing Predators, Wolves Will Be Fine and the perfect deadline-day deals

Tue, 31 Aug 2021 16:53:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller convene for another Adjudication Panel. This time, they scrutinise Brendan Rodgers' claim about Norfolk sunshine, debate whether Wolves are currently the most "they'll be fine" club ever and examine the most inevitable-sounding deadline-day transfers.

Meanwhile, they discuss the rights of physios to wear Predators, Newcastle turning the Goal! trilogy into real life and why Jurgen Klopp tops one very, very niche Premier League table.

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Square pegs in round holes: The Ultimate Makeshift XI

Thu, 26 Aug 2021 02:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, James Maw and Michael Cox cobble together a line-up of emergency goalkeepers, stoppers, enforcers and goal-poachers.

Why is there such a rich history of strikers fancying themselves at centre-back? Why do we assume that ageing forwards will be able to retire to midfield and "spray the ball about"? Are right-footed left-backs the most unsatisfying sight in football?

They're spectacularly out of position, but ready to do a job for you - it's the ultimate Makeshift XI.

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Inevitable Premier League scorelines, pedantic kit men and niche specialist coaches

Mon, 23 Aug 2021 22:22:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller form the Adjudication Panel to deconstruct a mesmerisingly dull Gareth Bale interview, admire the pedantry of the West Brom kit man and decide the most inevitable-sounding Premier League scoreline of all.

Meanwhile, the panel decide which next footballing niche will earn its own specialist coach and it's the world premiere of "Every League Two Soccer Saturday roving reporter update ever"

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The “Premier League Players We Remember For Precisely One Thing” XI

Thu, 19 Aug 2021 02:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, James Maw and Nick Miller compile a line-up of players whose Premier League legacies are overwhelmingly based around one very specific thing: a defining moment, a unique skill set, a silly goal celebration or a catastrophic mistake.

Does Massimo Taibi get the nod in goal? Has Ben Thatcher elbowed his way into contention? Should we choose Mario Stanic or Lilian Nalis? And is there really anything new left to say about Ali Dia?

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Six clichés in 11 seconds and deconstructing the traditional "Welcome to the Premier League"

Tue, 17 Aug 2021 01:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker form this week's Adjudication Panel, as Peter Drury rises above the competition to provide the best spoken-word Premier League preview montage, Jamie Carragher enjoys Arsenal being Arsenal just a *bit* too much and the concept of being "welcomed to the Premier League" is thrown into chaos.

Meanwhile, a Scottish manager squeezes six clichés into just 11 seconds, BBC newsreader Huw Edwards turns himself into a transfer rumour and one man tries to tweet out every single Premier League goal ever.

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Clueless goal celebrations, half-and-half scarves and armchair fandom, with Joel Golby

Thu, 12 Aug 2021 01:46:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and David Walker are joined by writer Joel Golby for the return of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Golby's nominations feature the moment a referee gets hit by the ball, a spirited vindication of half-and-half scarves and goalscoring defenders who just don't know how to celebrate.

The podcast also confronts an uncomfortable question: is 90% of all pre-match TV build-up just massively unnecessary?

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Mundane FIFA 22 animations and football's future without towering headers

Tue, 10 Aug 2021 02:29:44 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and James Maw convene the Adjudication Panel to rule on a referee blowing the match ball a kiss, twee tweeting about Lionel Messi from non-League clubs and what mundane footballing situations should be added to the animations of the forthcoming FIFA game.

Meanwhile, they consider what football would really lose if all 58 types of header - towering, crashing, bullet, or otherwise - were suddenly banned.

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Overly detailed 2021-22 season predictions and the smallest transfer fee ever paid

Thu, 05 Aug 2021 00:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare raise the curtain for 2021-22 as they assess the state of the summer transfer sagas and try to find the smallest - and weirdest - transfer fee a player has ever commanded.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel run the rule over Kevin Friend showing the crowd a yellow card and assess some reassuringly probable-looking Very Detailed 2021-22 Predictions from the listeners.

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Porte Anticipate and the language of penalty woe

Tue, 13 Jul 2021 01:34:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare finally crash out of Euro 2020 by examining the language of penalty shootout agony, a surprising translation of Roberto Mancini's post-match interview and the inevitable "Fan of Beaten Finalist Got a Premature Tattoo" story.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel run the rule over the latest transfers that just sound so right and pick apart the World Cup final scene in big-budget sci-fi blockbuster The Tomorrow War.

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Unwallcharted territory

Fri, 09 Jul 2021 01:40:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and James Maw bask in England's post-semi-final warmth as they examine the glorious crowd sound of a penalty scored on the rebound, consider the merits of granting "Luke Shaw territory" independence and look ahead to perhaps the most frenzied three days of build-up in English football history.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel rule on the most Scott Parkery eight seconds imaginable, Sam Allardyce's surreal GB News appearance and whether we should be watching the final on the BBC or ITV.

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Tempting fate with the football gods: what if England win Euro 2020?

Mon, 05 Jul 2021 01:12:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and James Maw indulge in some extreme fate-tempting as they look at the most inevitable cultural consequences of England - maybe, probably, definitely - winning their first tournament in 55 years. Who's getting an OBE? Would there be a national Three Lions Day? What commemorative tat would you be obliged to buy? And who is going to name their child Jordan Kyle Harry John Luke Kalvin Declan Bukayo Mason Raheem Harry?

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel rule on how long a wall chart should stay up after a tournament, why long-sleeve football shirts are dead and how to surround a referee: Italian-style.

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A cultural chronology of England 2 Germany 0

Thu, 01 Jul 2021 01:09:24 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller march into the Euro 2020 quarter-finals as they examine the more peculiar aspects of the coverage of England's win over Germany, from Harry Maguire's curious dribbling technique to Harry Kane "running his socks into the ground".

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel examine the marketing speak of the new Premier League ball, navigate the legal minefield of the phrase "man of the match" and decide what the threshold is for a "thumping".

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The England-Germany hype machine and the true definition of a solo goal

Sun, 27 Jun 2021 22:24:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and James Maw explore some more urgent Euro 2020 niches, including the state of play for England vs Germany media hype, why the BBC are getting thrashed by ITV on expected goals, and whether Italy's Federico Chiesa really did score a "solo effort" against Austria.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel explore the latest analogy from Professor Jonathan Van-Tam and give a measured review of Glenn Hoddle's surprise assault on the UK singles chart.

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How to "crash out" of Euro 2020, tricky demonyms, and solving football's biggest mystery of all

Thu, 24 Jun 2021 00:28:33 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Charlie Eccleshare debate some more Euro 2020 minutiae, including the language of tournament exits, the latest status of England-squad clamouring, and the definitive ranking of all 24 Euros nations' demonyms (it's bad news for "the Austrians", good news for "the Czechs" and mixed news for "the Portuguese" and "the Swiss"...)

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel explore the best-by date for the words "newly promoted" before two-thirds of the biggest mystery in football are finally revealed to the world.

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Dark horseplay, football pundit mercenaries and unleashing Jack Grealish

Sun, 20 Jun 2021 23:05:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and James Maw bathe in some more Euro 2020 pedantry, including whether Patrik Schick really qualifies as "that man", if Turkey's "dark horses" tag was the biggest scam of the summer, the ludicrous poses of Roberto Mancini and just who England fans are "clamouring" for now.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel explore the art of newspaper player ratings, the Unofficial Football World Championship and whether a goalscorer can "complete a brace".

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Biting techniques, Schick's genre-buster and the language of football fixtures

Thu, 17 Jun 2021 00:08:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller are back for another slice of alternative Euro 2020 analysis, including the moral panic of footballers biting each other, Patrik Schick breathing new life into the genre of halfway-line wonder strikes and whether a penalty in a shootout should ever find itself in a "greatest goals" debate.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel explore the mandatory language of Premier League Fixtures Day, appraise the BBC and ITV Euros studios and enjoy a very special episode outro indeed.

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Expected chuckles, the Welsh Giroud and "the language of goals"

Mon, 14 Jun 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and James Maw explore the alternative sub-plots of Euro 2020's early stages, including a successful union of Tyldesley & McCoist, Barry from EastEnders transmitting Euros fever, expected chuckles (xCh) with David Seaman, Romelu Lukaku's "language of goals" and the future mid-table Premier League stars of the tournament so far.

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How to make the perfect Euros

Thu, 10 Jun 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller hit peak Euros-previewing by putting together their fantasy European Championships tournament - the best format, the best ball, the best official mascot, the best TV theme tune, the dream punditry lineup and the most iconic winning team.

They also discuss a charming cricket/football crossover, Marcelo Bielsa's classy touch, John Motson on trains and a very worrying pronunciation of Ireland's Euro 1988 goalkeeper's surname.

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The Pure International Football XI

Thu, 03 Jun 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, James Maw and Michael Cox warm up for the Euros by selecting a team of players who are most disproportionately known for their international exploits, from Mexican goalkeepers to 100-cap right-backs, a controversial Croatian, cult playmakers, an Englishman who got caught in a tug-of-war before we even knew him, World Cup goal machines...and David Healy.

They also discuss a worrying new case of football nicknaming and run some candidates for the Everton job through a sophisticated Athletic Long-Read Headline Generator to examine their long-term prospects.

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England's utility men and the perfect Europa Conference League anthem

Thu, 27 May 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by Opta's Duncan Alexander for the final Adjudication Panel of 2020/21, in which they dive deep into the newly-unveiled branding for UEFA's new competition and take a moment to appreciate the traditional fringe members of an England squad at a major tournament.

The panel also discuss Ben Brereton's surprise Chile call-up, an excruciating moment between Martin Tyler and Sergio Aguero and the first clumsy Euro 2020 marketing campaign of the summer.

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Long-range curlers, voluptuous goalnets and when TV gets football all wrong, with Jonathan Wilson

Thu, 20 May 2021 22:39:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Jack Pitt-Brooke are joined by football writer Jonathan Wilson for another edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Wilson's selections feature goals curled into the top corner, tiny footballing plot holes in TV crime dramas and why elite-level goalnets have lost all their personality...

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel explore some potential names for an independent football regulator, nail down the true definition of "a natural finisher" and wonder what happened to Premier League players called "Ian".

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Fortresses and cauldrons: the language of football stadiums

Thu, 13 May 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare welcome Vithushan Ehantharajah on loan from the Independent and the Football Ramble to explore football stadiums....or should that be stadia?

Is it "stamping ground" or "stomping ground"? What constitutes a "fortress"? What’s the most patronised ground in football? How does a stadium become a cauldron? And whatever happened to those Qatari World Cup robot clouds…

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel get stuck into some fresh, young English managerspeak and perhaps the greatest ever use of the phrase "in and around".

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Footballers on LinkedIn, and when does a Matt become a Matty?

Thu, 06 May 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, David Walker and James Maw convene for another extended session of the Adjudication Panel, where they enjoy a strong candidate for the most aurally-pleasing goal of 2021, speculate on how and where Gareth Southgate saves his England squad list, and take a deep dive into just how a footballing "Matt" becomes a "Matty".

There is also the bizarre backstory to one of the greatest football club nicknames of all time, a brief history of footballers on LinkedIn and the definitive discussion on what constitutes a "consolation goal".

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Slide tackles, tiny shinpads and romantic Champions League semi-final dreams, with Shura

Thu, 29 Apr 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and James McNicholas are joined by singer, songwriter, producer and ex-Manchester City youth player Shura for another edition of Mesut Haaland Dicks.

Shura's selections include her deep love for slide-tackling, David Seaman's "Refreshers" goalkeeper kit at Euro '96 and an irrational aversion to Jack Grealish's barely-existent shinpads.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel discuss whether snooker can ever have "a 12th man", the tedium of the Budweiser Premier League Hall of Fame and yet another Brilliant Scottish Co-Commentator...

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"Super Ridiculo": How we all chewed up the Super League and spat it out

Thu, 22 Apr 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker pick through the rubble of the 48-hour-long European Super League and what it meant for our consumption of modern football.

How did Gary Neville become the Pied Piper of football discourse? Why did nobody use the words "game's gone" despite the game quite literally nearly going?

Did we witness the worst-ever instance of politicians deploying football analogies? And what was the most surreal moment of the whole news cycle?

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Half-yards, acres of space and the corridor of uncertainty: mapping the modern football pitch

Thu, 15 Apr 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Michael Cox navigate their way around the language of the football pitch, from the fabled "mixer" to the sovereign state of "James Ward-Prowse territory". How big is a "pocket of space"? How exactly does a goalkeeper find themselves in "no man's land"? And will football ever go fully metric?

They also discuss whether "cheese slice" is ever an acceptable way to describe a yellow card and precisely what constitutes "rolling back the years", before Charlie and Michael go head-to-head in the latest instalment of "Out Of Control".

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Dominik Diamond on match-going priests, training ground bust-ups and the state of footballer's socks

Thu, 08 Apr 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by TV and radio presenter and former GamesMaster host Dominik Diamond for another edition of 'Mesut Haaland Dicks'.

Dominik waxes lyrical about ticket-touting priests in Barcelona, 10-year-old matchday gangsters in Glasgow, hilariously polite Canadian soccer fans and how he was partly responsible for David "Calamity" James' Liverpool blunders.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel discuss who Line of Duty's DI Steve Arnott supports, rate Gary Neville's Andy Gray impression out of 10, and wonder why "training-ground bust-up" has become so enshrined in the language of football.

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The Sunday League XI

Thu, 01 Apr 2021 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and David Walker celebrate the return of grassroots football by taking a voyage through the classic Sunday League lineup, an XI of precious goalkeepers, dutiful right-backs, reluctant left-backs, chatty centre-halves, spherical but untouchable midfield playmakers and The Big Man Up Front.

They also examine the anatomy of every half-time Sunday League team talk ever, why the words "All day!" can ruin an entire weekend, and the most important skill of all: getting yourself a lift home afterwards.

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Getting "in and around" with Doc Brown

Thu, 25 Mar 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by rapper, comedian, actor and writer Ben Bailey Smith, aka Doc Brown, for another edition of 'Mesut Haaland Dicks'.

Among the things Ben can finally get off his chest are weirdly old-fashioned football chants, the pure joy of Ian Wright and a deep, deep dive into the mandatory punditry phrase that is "in and around".

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel also explore Martin Tyler's obsession with "the Croydon De Bruyne", a very peculiar pronunciation of "Cantona" and poor Joe Hart's post-match Instagram hell.

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Pele, Zlatan and the small matter of global thermonuclear war

Thu, 18 Mar 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller convene for an extended meeting of the Adjudication Panel, in which they try and untangle the statistical chaos of Pele vs Cristiano Ronaldo, celebrate the phrase “basement boys” and decide which footballing things would survive a nuclear apocalypse.

They also decide if anyone has the patience for a summer of “Zlatan” at the Euros, ponder the age-old clichés of retired footballers, before Charlie and Nick go head-to-head in the first edition of new quiz format “Out of Control”.

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Tom Rosenthal on World Cup balls and celebrating goals that didn't actually go in

Thu, 11 Mar 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Jack Pitt-Brooke are joined by actor and comedian Tom Rosenthal for the latest edition of 'Mesut Haaland Dicks'.

Tom's gloriously niche picks for his loves and hates of modern football include teams wearing emergency kit combinations, the humiliation of celebrating goals that don't actually go in, and fans who shout futile tactical advice from the stands.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel also discuss whether commentators should be allowed to mention rival broadcasters during a game and whether there can ever be such a thing as "textbook trademark header"

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Expected goals and the unexpected sounds of empty stadiums

Thu, 04 Mar 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by the Mirror's chief football writer John Cross for the latest edition of 'Mesut Haaland Dicks'.

John's picks for his loves and hates of modern football include eavesdropping on the mundane chats of substitutes, the eternal magic™ of the FA Cup, glorious retro football TV shows and a deep dive into why commentators keep using the word "footrace".

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel also decide which young England starlet's career should be doomed to failure by selecting him in a speculative 2030 World Cup XI and select the most perfect few seconds of that Sky Sports stand-off between Jamie Redknapp and Roy Keane

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How to be a Co-Commentator

Thu, 25 Feb 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Amitai Winehouse examine the art of co-commentary, from the relaxing chattiness of Ally McCoist to the A-list authority of Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher — and why "Relight My Fire" by Take That (feat. Lulu) is an unlikely but perfect showcase of why we need co-commentators.

They also discuss some not-quite-so-seamless Match of the Day commentary editing and why the proposal to start clapping referees out on to the pitch may be one of the worst ideas in football history.

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The Pure Champions League XI

Thu, 18 Feb 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Jack Pitt-Brooke celebrate the return of the European action by selecting their all-time Pure Champions League XI: a lineup of players who encapsulate everything about the modern era of continental football, from hapless Russian goalkeepers to bland UEFA-approved playmakers.

They also examine the classic but previously unexplained punditry phrase "it's one of those" and enjoy some textbook commentary pleasantries by Glenn Hoddle.

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The Game's Gone!

Thu, 11 Feb 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and George Caulkin examine the evolution of footballing outrage: from the backpass law to the 39th Game, from expected goals to players swapping shirts at half-time...and why poor, old Stockley Park has become the supposed resting place for football as we know it. But what exactly does "the game's gone" even mean?

They also discuss whether you can you ever be in "the final hour" of a match and, of course, the soap opera transfer merry-go-round.

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Football Magazines

Thu, 04 Feb 2021 02:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, James Maw and Michael Cox flick through a brief history of football magazines, including glossy adverts for shinpads, dissecting every quickfire footballer interview ever, the story of Icon, the ill-fated magazine created by Jamie Redknapp and Tim Sherwood....and the eternal debate: Shoot or Match?

They also discuss football's disappointing lack of eponymous adjectives, the strict criteria of a team's match going "from bad to worse" and, of course, Premier League defenders nicknamed after walls.

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The Transfer Rumour XI

Thu, 28 Jan 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller are your transfer experts in the lead-up to deadline day as they explore the seven classic types of January signing, propose some possible deals that make almost perfect sense for everyone involved, and select their ultimate Transfer Rumour XI.

They also forecast the likely Chelsea career trajectory of Thomas Tuchel, discuss who has the most "unfinished business" with the Premier League and answer an important question: where would Peter Crouch be most useful in the wall at a free kick?

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Peter Drury on biased commentary and meaningless stats

Thu, 21 Jan 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by football commentator Peter Drury for the latest edition of 'Mesut Haaland Dicks'.

Peter's picks for his loves and hates of modern football include gloriously biased local radio commentary, meaningless statistics and teams wearing their away kits for absolutely no reason.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel also discuss whether we should really be betting on what commentators are going to say during a live TV game and the surprisingly controversial subject of which English club's name has the most forgettable suffix

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The Foreign Influx

Thu, 14 Jan 2021 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Nick Miller and James Horncastle present a brief history of foreign players in the Premier League, from the flops to the superstars.

They look back at some of the more naive unveilings of exotic new signings - including Paolo Di Canio and a frozen pizza - the traditional challenges faced by Premier League imports and, once and for all, get to the bottom of the concept of "the English premium"

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The Definitive Barclays Premier League XI

Thu, 07 Jan 2021 06:00:00 GMT

Bald American goalkeepers, giant hapless centre-halves, functional wide men, set-piece specialists, defensive midfield enforcers signed off the back of a 7/10 major tournament, flash-in-the-pan foreign goalscorers….and Yakubu?

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller bring you the definitive Barclays Premier League ELEVEN!

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The Best of Football Cliches in 2020

Thu, 31 Dec 2020 06:00:00 GMT

The pros and cons of actual jumpers for goalposts, the goalscoring word crisis, the uncertain future of “You’re Shit Aaaaaahhhhh!”, the theory behind a perfect knee-slide celebration, the Cliches quiz scandals of 2020, the psychological challenges of office 5-a-side, the most Champions Leaguey group possible, how to get your Soccer Saturday roving reporter name, the art of footballing small talk, the truth behind THAT generic crowd noise, why 90% of football pundits are wearing THOSE shoes….and the true meaning of “Not for me, Clive”, from the man himself.

Brought to your ears in 2020 by The Athletic...this is the very best of Football Cliches.

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The weird and wonderful world of mascots

Wed, 23 Dec 2020 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey delves into the weird and wonderful world of football mascots and is joined by the foremost authorities on the subject - the man who literally wrote the book on mascots, Nick Miller, and a woman who has actually designed a real life mascot herself, Katie Whyatt.

We look at problematic shrimps, diving hornets, the cult of Boiler Man, mascot marriages, the mascot Grand National, and many more aspects of this most absurd corner of the footballing world.

There's also the hilarious and heart-warming story of Kio, the anti-racism mascot with a globe for a head, that Katie designed when she was 11-years-old

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The Football Clichés Quiz returns!

Thu, 17 Dec 2020 06:00:00 GMT

The Football Clichés Quiz returns!

Six months after winning it in controversial lockdown scenes, the Athletic's Oliver Kay returns to defend his title against new challenger Jack Pitt-Brooke, over five rounds of questions including Famous Football Quotes Put Through Google Translate, the film cameos of Premier League managers, and "Have these men ever played for West Ham or Aston Villa?"

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Deep Heat and Pyro with Kelly Cates

Thu, 10 Dec 2020 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by Sky Sports and BBC Radio 5 Live presenter Kelly Cates for another edition of of 'Mesut Haaland Dicks'.

Among Kelly's nominations are the visual spectacle of pyro on a European night, the smell of Deep Heat, the acute joy of an undeserved win and football fans using players' nicknames as if they're best friends.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel get to the bottom of Hector Bellerin's foul-throw habit, a glorious example of the Commentator's Curse and Steven Gerrard's new twist on "treating every game like a cup final".

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Football chants you don't hear any more, with Elis James

Thu, 03 Dec 2020 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Charlie Eccleshare are joined by comedian, actor and Swansea City fan Elis James for another edition of of 'Mesut Haaland Dicks'.

Among Elis's nominations are the curious cliché of The Kop "sucking the ball in" at Anfield, commentating over the top of his own goals at 5-a-side, the absurdly baggy sleeves of mid-1990s football shirts, and when TV and film just get football completely wrong.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel also try to fathom why Dele Alli is the most popular name on football shirts in the US state of Vermont, the uncertain future of fans watching FA Cup ties from nearby trees and President-elect Joe Biden's metatarsal injury.

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On the beach with Ivo Graham

Thu, 26 Nov 2020 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and James Maw are joined by comedian, writer and Swindon Town fan Ivo Graham for the latest instalment of 'Mesut Haaland Dicks'.

Ivo's eclectic nominations for his loves and hates of modern football include the slippery concept of the 'Group of Death', describing teams as being 'on the beach' and the visceral thrill of a goalkeeper making a double save.

Meanwhile, the Adjudication Panel also discuss swearing during live TV games, Alan Pardew's unexpected arrival at CSKA Sofia, and Theo Walcott inventing a whole new football cliché.

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The Art of the Penalty Kick

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Katie Whyatt dive deep into the complex psychology of penalties, the eternal joy of goalkeepers taking spot kicks and the soap opera of shootouts.

They also discuss the recent trend of football goal celebrations on daytime quiz shows and the curious idea of Barnsley trying to sign Mario Balotelli, Katie watches Diana Ross's USA '94 penalty for the first time and then takes on Charlie in the Cliché Quiz.

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Textbook pitch invasions with Mark Watson

Thu, 12 Nov 2020 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Nick Miller are joined by comedian, writer and Bristol City fan Mark Watson for the first in a new series we are tentatively calling 'Mesut Haaland Dicks'

Mark chooses three things he love about football and three things he palpably dislikes about football and we all have a thoroughly nice time chatting about it. Think of a cross between Desert Island Discs and MOTD's 2 Good, 2 Bad and you've got the idea.

There is also discussion of Gary Neville's increasingly pervasive groaning noises when penalties are given, Piers Morgan bringing the phrase 'a wet Wednesday night in Stoke' into the royal arena and a nearly-very-good-but-still-not-quite-right footballing analogy from Professor Jonathan Van Tam.

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Playing with a Pro, Brits Abroad & The Future Language of Football

Thu, 05 Nov 2020 06:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Seb Stafford-Bloor gather for episode 42 of the Football Cliches podcast and begin with tales of what it's like to actually play football with a proper professional player.

Why are such seemingly average ex-pros so unbelievably good when they enter the mortal realm of the 5-a-side pitch? And why is Nigel Winterburn so bloody difficult to nutmeg?

There's also discussion of Mauricio Pochettino's MNF punditry appearance/job interview, Mick McCarthy signing up to be the latest Brit Abroad after taking the APOEL Nicosia job, and with the help of Peter Reid we discuss whether terms like 'half-space' and 'high press' are really just a load of old bollocks or genuinely worthy of their place in the modern-day footballing vocabulary.

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How To Talk About Football and Get Away With It

Thu, 29 Oct 2020 06:00:00 GMT

Adam Hurrey, Nick Miller and Neale Rigg explore peculiarities and socially awkward scenarios surrounding football small talk.

Why is the opening gambit of asking someone who they support so fraught with peril? Is there any better footballing small talk than with a taxi driver on holiday? How do you chat to a fairweather football fan? And what is the most tedious football trivia question of all?

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Violent Conduct

Thu, 22 Oct 2020 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare & James Maw to discuss the language of violence in football.

What constitutes a football hard man in 2020? Is there such thing as an iconic foul? And what are the vital components of a proper 21-man brawl?

Access to The Athletic is just £1 a month - get all our great content on the app and listen to podcasts like this ad-free. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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International Football

Thu, 15 Oct 2020 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey calls up Charlie Eccleshare and Michael Cox to discuss the quirks and foibles of international football.

What actually is international level? Has there ever been a successful wind-up about someone’s call-up to the national team? Who would make the quintessential England B lineup in 2020? And what’s the most “held at Loftus Road on a Tuesday night” international friendly imaginable?

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Soccer Cliches U.S.A.

Thu, 08 Oct 2020 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey and Pablo Maurer are joined by the Rory Smith of The New York Times to discuss two nations divided by a common language of soccer.

Can we ever accept the word “winningest”, why were we so obsessed with Bob Bradley’s soccer vocabulary, how much damage did Green Street do for US-UK footballing relations, and just what is it about bald American goalkeepers in the Premier League?

Access to The Athletic is just £1/$1 a month.. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up!

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Money, Money, Money

Thu, 01 Oct 2020 05:00:00 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller discuss football's weird relationship with money and the salacious language that surrounds it.

What’s the difference between eye-watering and money-spinning? Is the Sky Sports News transfer totaliser the ultimate symbol of modern football? And what does £25m really buy you in 2020?

Access to The Athletic is just £1 a month.. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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The Unwritten Laws of Football

Thu, 24 Sep 2020 05:00:11 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Michael Cox and Dan Barnes discuss the unwritten laws of football.

Have we found the worst ever song about referees,? What is the most emphatic refereeing hand gesture of all? And just how famous are the likes of Clattenburg, Poll and Dean allowed to be?

Access to The Athletic is just £1 a month. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up

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Watching Soccer Saturday

Thu, 17 Sep 2020 05:00:02 GMT

Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Jack Pitt-Brooke examine the enduring appeal of Soccer Saturday. Is it the purest form of football broadcasting? How did pundits suddenly become the headline makers? And we reveal the formula to get your Soccer Saturday roving reporter name...

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PART 2: What Will Happen in the Premier League in 2020-21

Thu, 10 Sep 2020 05:00:08 GMT

Adam Hurrey, Nick Miller and Charlie Eccleshare predict how the second half of next season will play out including. Desperate January loan signings, Proper Football Men whinging, and matches earning themselves their own Wikipedia pages...this is what will definitely - probably - happen in the Premier League in TWENTY-TWENTY/TWENTY-ONE

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What Will Happen in the Premier League in 2020-21

Thu, 03 Sep 2020 05:00:22 GMT

Adam Hurrey, Nick Miller and Charlie Eccleshare predict the season ahead,..13 degrees on the opening day, the Zaki-Pukki Effect and the annual managerial breath of fresh air..this is what will definitely - probably - happen in the Premier League in TWENTY-TWENTY/TWENTY-ONE

Access to The Athletic is currently free for 30 days. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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The rise & fall of Own Goals and Gaffs

Thu, 27 Aug 2020 05:00:10 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Jack Pitt-Brooke and Nick Miller dust off the VHS player to reminisce about the glory days of the own goals and gaffs video, before the internet came along and ruined everything forever.

Who's the true master of the genre - Danny Baker or Nick Hancock? What are the criteria for the ultimate own goal or missed sitter? What happened to poor old Peter Devine?

All this plus a journey through the murky depths of the football DVD world featuring a cast of former players and celebrities all getting in on the act ranging from Vinnie Jones, Ray Winstone, Robbie Savage, Paddy McGuinness and even Zoe Ball.

Access to The Athletic is currently free for 30 days. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up !

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Football & Music

Thu, 20 Aug 2020 05:00:42 GMT

Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller examine football's complicated relationship with music. What actually is a Farmer’s league, whatever happened to the TV football theme tune, which Canadian hip-hop duo are named after a now-defunct former Football League club and what is the most withering football chant of all?

Access to The Athletic is currently free for 30 days. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up !

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The Football Cliches for every position

Thu, 13 Aug 2020 05:00:07 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller talk through the football cliches we are all guilty of using for every position on the pitch.

What do Italians call the “terzino sinistro”? Who was the most out-of-position footballer of all time? What actually is “end product?” And can “bagsman” ever be an acceptable word for a striker?

Access to The Athletic is currently free for 30 days. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up !

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European Football, Thursday Nights, Channel 5

Thu, 06 Aug 2020 05:00:08 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, James Horncastle and James Maw discuss the particulars of watching European football.

Who were last crack east European outfit? What is the threshold for a gruelling midweek European trip? Who are the most Europa League club of all? And just who are the those children employed to wave a giant Champions League ball on the pitch before kick-off?

Access to The Athletic is currently free for 30 days. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up!

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The Football Cliches Awards 2019/20

Thu, 30 Jul 2020 05:00:21 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Dan Barnes & Nick Miller bring you the Football Cliches Awards 2019/20. Who was the most beleaguered manager? What was the season’s Game’s Gone moment? Which was the greatest Lampardian Transition of them all? And which of this season’s footballing phrases do we never want to hear again?

Access to The Athletic is currently free for 30 days. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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The Business End™ of the season

Thu, 23 Jul 2020 05:00:14 GMT

As the season draws to a close, Adam Hurrey, David Walker and Nick Miller debate the important questions. When does the business end of the season start? What is the threshold for making a Great Escape from relegation? And what is the definitive Too Good For the Championship, Not Good Enough for the Premier League ELEVEN?

Access to The Athletic is currently free for 30 days. Go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up!

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Football and Twitter

Thu, 16 Jul 2020 05:00:07 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Harriet Drudge and Jack Pitt-Brooke join forces for a look at the weird and wonderful relationship football has with Twitter.

We travel back to the innocent age of early twitter when football parody accounts ruled the roost, we ponder the perils of being the admin for the official club account and pine for the days where Wayne Rooney asked Rio Ferdinand if he still wanted a lift for training.

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How to Lose at 5-a-side

Thu, 09 Jul 2020 06:00:13 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Dan Barnes discuss the things make playing five-a-side football so great and also very, very strange.
What’s the most polite way of kicking people off a 5-a-side pitch when their time is up, how long does it take to judge the seriousness of midweek office football games, why can’t people keep score and what the hell is 7G astroturf.

Access to The Athletic is currently free for 30 days taking through to the end of the Premier League season. Go to www.heathletic.com/clichespod to sign up.

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Footballs - why we love to kick them

Thu, 02 Jul 2020 05:57:35 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Ecclehare and Sam Lee discuss the most important piece of equipment in the game - the ball. Where does the design of match balls go next? Was the Mitre Mouldmaster the worst football of all time? Are we about to witness the death of knuckleball? And, quite simply, what are microflaps?

"Access to The Athletic is currently free for 30 days taking through to the end of the Premier League season. Go to theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up That’s www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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Football Punditry featuring 'Box Office' Roy Keane

Thu, 25 Jun 2020 06:00:07 GMT

Adam "Football Cliches" Hurrey is joined by Charlie Eccleshare and Jack Pitt-Brooke to discuss the weird science of football punditry. Where does the real Roy Keane end and the box office Roy Keane begin? As Neil Warnock returns are there any managers left who haven’t managed Middlesbrough? Does Coleman really rhyme with “goal man”, Martin Tyler? And how far back in time would you need to go to cut it as a professional footballer?

To celebrate the return of the Premier League we're offering 40% off a subscription with The Athletic for a limited time only - go to www.theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up for less than £3 a month.

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#WelcomeBackFootball

Thu, 18 Jun 2020 11:44:43 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Jack Pitt-Brooke get reacquainted with the return of football with a little help from Sean Bean.

It's a feeling that can't be explained but they are going to spend the pod explaining it and they do not apologise for it.

"To celebrate the return of the Premier League we're offering 40% off a subscription with The Athletic for a limited time only - go to theathletic.com/clichespod to sign up for less than £3 a month. That’s www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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The Football Clichés Quiz

Thu, 11 Jun 2020 06:00:02 GMT

Adam Hurrey hosts a special quiz with contestants George Caulkin & Oliver Kay to lead us out of the darkness of footballing lockdown..

Famous commentary moments played backwards, Premier League shirt sponsors, players who somehow never signed for Turkish clubs, and can you name a single Premier League assistant referee?

To celebrate the return of football you can now enjoy access to The Athletic for free for 30 Days - enough time to watch “Graham Taylor: An Impossible Job” 563 times in a row - by going to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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Football Adverts

Thu, 04 Jun 2020 06:00:22 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare & James McNicholas pick apart memorable football-themed TV adverts. How did Ronaldo, Roberto Carlos and co get away with their 1998 airport antics? How did Gareth Southgate get embroiled in an Independent Television Commission investigation? Was the 1994 Jungle World Cup final marred by a doping scandal?

To celebrate the return of football you can now enjoy access toThe Athletic for free for 30 Days by going to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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Goalkeepers

Thu, 28 May 2020 06:00:03 GMT

You can enjoy The Athletic for free for 90 Days - enough time to watch 2004 DVD classic David Seaman’s Jeepers Keepers 2,273 times - by going to www.theathletic.com/clichespod - this offer expires May 28th at Midnight

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Football & computer games

Wed, 20 May 2020 20:53:33 GMT

You can enjoy The Athletic for free for 90 Days - that’s enough time to listen to 1987’s hit single It’s Goodbye by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle more than 33,000 times - by going to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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The Little Joys Of Football

Thu, 14 May 2020 06:00:09 GMT

You can enjoy The Athletic for free for 90 Days - that’s enough time to watch Escape to Victory 1,107 times in a row, with just enough time left to watch it again right up to the moment the match kicks off - by going to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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The Most Annoying Things About Football

Thu, 07 May 2020 06:00:32 GMT

You can enjoy The Athletic for free for 90 Days - that’s enough time to walk from Wembley Stadium all the way to the birthplace of Tofiq Bakhramov, the “Russian Linesman” from the 1966 World Cup final…..and back! - by going to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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The A-Z of Football Cliches - Part Two

Thu, 30 Apr 2020 06:00:03 GMT

You can enjoy The Athletic for free for 90 Days - that’s precisely 2.73 Steve Coppell reigns as Manchester City manager in 1996 - by going to www.theathletic.com/clichespod

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Goal Of The Season

Thu, 23 Apr 2020 06:00:04 GMT

To find out the winner Goal Of The Season on Sunday night, make sure you subscribe to The Athletic by going to theathletic.com/clichespod to take advantage of our 90 Day Free Trial.

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The A-Z of football clichés - Part One

Thu, 16 Apr 2020 04:00:03 GMT

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The Language of Football Kits

Thu, 09 Apr 2020 04:00:22 GMT

You can sign up and get 90 days free access to The Athletic by going to theathletic.com/clichespod

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The Art of the Goal Celebration

Thu, 02 Apr 2020 04:00:26 GMT

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Premier League Years 98/99

Thu, 26 Mar 2020 05:00:26 GMT

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The Anatomy of a Footballer

Thu, 19 Mar 2020 05:00:25 GMT

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The Sounds Of Football

Thu, 12 Mar 2020 05:00:17 GMT

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The Language Of Football Management

Thu, 05 Mar 2020 05:00:03 GMT

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The Art Of Football Commentary

Thu, 27 Feb 2020 05:00:04 GMT

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How We Follow Football

Thu, 20 Feb 2020 05:00:07 GMT

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Football On Film

Thu, 13 Feb 2020 05:00:12 GMT

1. Things we noticed in football this week! - 00:01

2. Why is football so hard to stage? - 7:40

3. Jamie Vardy - The Movie - 16:30

4. Best & Worst - 22:30

5. Football Hooligan films - 35:14

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Goooals!

Thu, 06 Feb 2020 05:00:07 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Michael Cox & Jack Lang talk goals galore; the language of goalscoring, what makes a wonder goal and things they've noticed in football this week..

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Grassroots Football

Thu, 30 Jan 2020 05:00:01 GMT

The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare & James McNicholas take a journey into football's grass roots...

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The Transfer Window

Thu, 23 Jan 2020 05:00:03 GMT

Caroline Barker hosts The Athletic's Charlie Eccleshare, Adam Leventhal and Mr Football Cliches himself - Adam Hurrey - to pick apart the absurd language we all love to use during the transfer window.

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