Honestly? Hell Yeah

I Am Santa Claus (2014): Santa's Sausage

Thu, 24 Dec 2020 15:38:01 GMT

From childhood, one of the greatest wonders of the world was the magic of Santa Claus, and his ability to be everywhere and anywhere at any time. In adulthood, one of the many burdens of truth lies within the knowledge that Santa Claus is really just a bunch of geriatrics getting paid to LARP as a fictional entity. In I Am Santa Claus, the velveteen curtain is pulled back to share some tricks of the trade as we follow a year in the life of 4 professional (and 1 surprising amateur) Santa Claus cos-players, and it’s both everything and nothing that you would expect. Swaddle yourself in the holiday spirit and join us as Jen joins the Fraternal Brotherhood of Real Bearded Santas, Danielle sixty-nines with Michigan (not as sexy as it sounds), we all learn a thing or two about combining orgies with hot buffets, and so much more! Tune in for some exciting news, stay for the LoLs! Happy ho-ho-ho-holidays!

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The Inventor (2019): Thank God for Uber

Fri, 18 Dec 2020 08:00:00 GMT

Imagine: You're an aging big-wig billionaire, respected by many but feared by all. Everyone you meet wants what you've got, and that's MONEY. So they attempt to peddle their wares and sell you on the next "big idea" in hopes that you'll be inspired enough to cut a big, fat check to make all their dreams come true. You've heard it all and it all stinks; so much so that you're not sure you'll ever make another $125M investment again. You're ready to pack it all up and never work in this town again when suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere appears a (literally) bright-eyed and (literally) bushy-tailed 19 year old college dropout with an idea so crazy that it just might work. In the Inventor, we follow the rise and fall of grifter goddess Elizabeth Holmes as she wages a deadly war on phlebotomy, fashion, and ethics alike. Join us as we assess the relationship between Elizabeth's hair as it interacts with her turtle necks, wonder how people in Arizona spend their money at Walgreens, weigh in on science?? and tech???, and ultimately ~change the world~. Tune in!

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Three Identical Strangers (2018): Meaty Paws

Fri, 11 Dec 2020 08:30:00 GMT

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Identical triplets with pretty big hands reunited after 19 years! In Three Identical Strangers, we are treated to and tortured by the incredible true story of three adult men finding the brothers they never knew they had through a series of events that definitely involved community college. And if some were suspicious of their genealogy, please rest assured that they even smoke the same cigs AND all like Chinese food! You just can’t make this stuff up! Join us as we watch these newfound celeb siblings suck and fuck their way through New York City, wearing disco suits and opening tacky restaurants called—you guessed it—“Triplets.” But you know what they say: With all good things comes a diabolical experiment being conducted against its participant’s will. Tune in!

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Jasper Mall (2020): Every Kiss Begins with Clay

Fri, 04 Dec 2020 08:00:00 GMT

With the holidays swiftly approaching, have you thought about where you're going to buy gifts for your loved ones? You've probably got some things in an online shopping cart, plans to hit the local shops, or maybe you're making presents this year like a POOR PERSON (guilty as charged). Regardless, something tells us that few of you are clamoring to get to the mall like you may have in seasons passed, turning what we call "the mall industrial complex" on its head. In Jasper Mall, we visit a once beloved establishment that has all but been abandoned as it clings to the paltry scraps its few geriatric patrons are willing to spare at any of its 8 remaining stores. So ask your parents for some cash and a ride to the mall where you'll get a criminally crooked undercut at Master Cuts, buy some dusty fake funeral flowers at Robin's Nest, play dominoes in the empty food court, and not much more! And you might not be the horny teenager who once loved bird-doggin' chicks at the mall, but don't worry: it's mostly a place for patriotic senior citizens and Covid tests now! Tune in!

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Wasted: The Story of Food Waste (2017): Make it Sexy, Make it Cheap

Fri, 27 Nov 2020 08:00:00 GMT

Gobble gobble, BITCHES. It's holiday season, so we're here to get fucking Wasted, and that's just the inconvenient truth™. Thanksgiving is over but the hangover persists as we shove the excessive leftovers into the 'fridge where they'll stay until they go bad and eventually into the trash without a second thought. In a desperate attempt to teach us the error of our ways in regards to the treatment of food throughout the world, reluctant narrator Anthony Bourdain gives us an important lesson in capitalism, excess, waste, and how it's fucking everything up, as usual. Join us as we stuff squash stems with pig rectums, stuff pig rectums with squash stems, not waste a single bite of food, and pay through the goddamn nose for it. Tune in!

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This is Paris (2020): A Swan Song About Eating Crow

Fri, 13 Nov 2020 08:00:00 GMT

She's beauty and she's grace. She's queen of 50 states. She is elegance and she's taste, she is Miss United States...and her name is Paris (Hilton). In the first (?) and only (?) of it's kind, the brand new YouTube documentary called This is Paris checks in with the unofficial American princess of the early aughts after a quiet retreat from the relentless spotlight of celebutante stardom. What we find is that there's a surprising amount to learn about the girl who seemed to bear it all, and a darkness is brewing underneath the bubbly veneer. Join us as we give impressively accurate impressions of Paris Hilton's ACTUAL voice, speculate wildly about Nikki Hilton's treatment of poor people, realize rich people don't know who Homer Simpson is, and learn that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. This episode is big LoLs, betches, so tune all the way in!

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Feels Good Man (2020): Quite Frankian

Fri, 06 Nov 2020 08:00:00 GMT

It all started out innocently enough: A cartoon of a stoned humanoid frog named Pepe peeing into a toilet began circulating the internet amongst artists and weight lifters alike, as they echoed to his simple and relatable statement that [it] "Feels Good, Man." But when nice-guy Matt Furie uploaded his innocuous comic strip to Myspace in 2008, little did he know he would unexpectedly and accidentally change the course of life as we knew it...literally. When the virginal demons of 4Chan got their grubby little Cheeto-logged paws on the Pepe the Frog cartoon, they did what they do with most things, like relationships & job opportunities: Ruined it! They began manipulating images of the dopey frog to promote things like violence & hatred towards women and minorities, which spread like wildfire and were eventually adopted as a symbol of the "Alt-Right" white supremacists that mobilized to get Donald Trump elected. Join us as we go on the campaign trail to free Pepe from the clutches of the oppressors, fighting for his right to drawn as the bong-tokin', pizza-eatin', peace-lovin' dude he was meant to be!

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Hell House (2002): Juiced

Fri, 30 Oct 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Every October, the scares and screams of Halloween are difficult to escape. Ghouls, ghosts, witches, and demons haunt the streets, giving us a fright at every corner! However, the rough and tumble citizens of Cedar Hill, Texas ain't scared of no stinkin' skeletons and Frankensteins; they laugh in the face of vampires and werewolves, yessiree. Now, if you really want to get a bunch of evangelical Texans shakin' in their boots, you take them to a small rave, or introduce them to a gay person. And if you really want to freak them the fuck out, the mere notion of pre-marital sex will have them running in fear. In Hell House, these are the themes explored throughout a homemade, church-sanctioned haunted house that attracts tens of thousands of horrified guests per year. Try to be brave and join us as we re-enter the post-9/11 Bush era, where it's always the victim's fault and eternal damnation is the punishment! Tune in!

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Wrinkles the Clown (2019): Our Worst PSA to a 10 Year Old

Fri, 23 Oct 2020 07:00:00 GMT

It's a digital folklore tale as old as time: Not so long ago, in a simpler time, a pandemic would break out from the swampy streets of Florida unlike any we've seen before or since. Suddenly, creepy clowns were plaguing the streets and the internet alike, terrorizing stupid kids and obnoxious teenagers all throughout the nation (but mostly Texas). However, this mania couldn't be traced back to a bat or mosquito, but instead a sudden influx of ominous stickers featuring a melty clown face with a message reading: "WRINKLES THE CLOWN 407-734-0254." Join us as we follow the man behind the mask, witnessing a day in the life of a retired, liver-spotted van dweller who lives off a steady diet of Natural Ice, titty bars, frozen dinners, and 3,845 daily voicemails from parents begging them to come kill their kids. It's not depressing or stupid at all, we promise!

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The Blackout Experiments (2016): Walking on Sunshine, Dancing with Darkness

Fri, 16 Oct 2020 07:00:00 GMT

During this entire lifetime you've spent on Earth, do you ever find yourself searching for more? Are there untapped desires within yourself that you have yet to explore? Were your grades TOO good in school? Have you ever been famously addicted to huffing computer duster? Is your wife an addiction specialist? Have you ever just NOT wanted to play football?? If you can answer "yes" to any of the aforementioned questions, rest assured that there's an exclusive collective of sadists eager and willing to give you more (???????) in the Blackout Experiments. That's right people, for the low, low price of $50.00 a session, you can pay a bunch of strangers to strip you naked, waterboard you for hours, tell you that your dad doesn't love you, and spit you out onto the streets wearing nothing but a trash bag! And while that may sound pretty similar to every other blackout you've had, did you ever stop to consider the artistic properties of your shame? If you're thinking that there really aren't any and that there's got to be better ways to face your demons, we agree! Tune in!

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The Devil & Father Amorth (2018): That's Amorthe!

Fri, 09 Oct 2020 07:00:00 GMT

The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! And when it comes to exorcising a demon from your body and/or sitting through the entirety of The Devil & Father Amorth, truly only the power of Christ can compel you to do so. 43 years after its release date, The Exorcist director William Friedkin crawled out of the retirement community he was placed in to try his hand at documentary filmmaking, and gave us...this. Guys, it's the worst documentary we've ever covered, and is therefore a true autumnal cornucopia of LoLs, tricks, and minimal treats. Join us as we schedule a routine procedure exorcism in a carpeted office room sometime midday, where an antique man will incoherently mumble Bible verses (or, you know, whatever) in our ears and MAYBE scare these demons off once and for all. Spoiler alert: It won't work! Tune in!

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Demon House (2018): Go F-U-K Yourself

Fri, 02 Oct 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Many-if not most- people dedicate their lives to securing a spot in Heaven, and more importantly, avoiding an eternal sentence in Hell. Now, what these God-fearing folks don't know is that there is a place on Earth much more evil than any depiction of Hell, where all the demons and douchebag filmmakers go to wreak havoc, and that place is Gary, Indiana. In Demon House, we are treated to a $22M rendezvous with the Devil himself, shepherded by his Monster-fueled henchman named Z-A-K. Join us as we discuss the parallels between being possessed and just being a teenager, the parallels between being possessed and just being a white guy from the midwest, the parallels between being possessed and just being drunk, and so much more (including a riveting sidebar on the tapetum lucidum!) Don't miss out!

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Miss Snake Charmer (2018): Rugrats & Reptiles

Fri, 25 Sep 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Yeeee-haw, girls! It’s that time of year again in Sweetwater, TX. where the birds are chirpin’, the season is changin’, and the rattlers are rattlin’, just waitin’ to be rounded up, beheaded, and ceremoniously skinned alive! That’s right, y’all, it’s the annual Rattlesnake Roundup and along with the ritualistic genocide of any and all nearby rattlesnakes, a new flock of hopeful young ladies lines up to participate in the yearly Miss Snake Charmer beauty pageant. Please join us as we explore the rights of teen pharmacists, forget who Mike Pence is, reveal ourselves to be utterly talentless, and finally learn that maybe, just maybe, snakes IS one of us. Tune in!

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Florida Man (2015): WAP (Wet Ass Peninsula) with Rhett Anderson

Fri, 18 Sep 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Well, sheeeit. We're headin' on down south to run a-goddamn-mok with the most rootin', tootin', Mad Dog-shootin' specimen known to man: the Florida Man. Joined by a bona fide Florida Man himself, Rhett Anderson is back to shed some light on the land from which they hail, and we quickly learn that the mean streets of Pensacola to Daytona ain't for everybody. Crack open a cold one and tune in as we consider the logistics of "doin' it" on a rotten beam under a pier, shod ourselves, refuse the combination of socks and sandals once and for all, and SO MUCH MORE. And for your ultimate listening pleasure, please watch Florida Man on YouTube and do not listen to this episode sober...please.

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Class Action Park (2020): Libertarian Land

Fri, 11 Sep 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Kowabunga, dude! Welcome to Action Park, where the water is dangerously cold, ALL employees are underage, the rides WILL kill you, and the beer flows like blood down a poorly constructed alpine slide! Built by teenagers and funded by a disgraced Wall Street scammer, Action Park was the premier location for horny teens to drunkenly pressure each other into death-defying acts of amusement park bravery, or unfortunately run the risk of being called a "pussy"...and they LOVED IT. It was a lawless land with only two unspoken rules: 1) You have to pay to get in or else you get electrocuted by a cattle prod and 2) If you get violently injured or die, you better not sue. What's not to like?! Now--and hear us out--we suspect this lewd oasis posed a host of problems that, in hindsight, are as clear as a freshly-filled wave pool, and we're diving in. Tune in!

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Curse of the Man Who Sees UFOs (2016): A Cleveland Daymare

Fri, 04 Sep 2020 10:00:00 GMT

☹︎✋︎💧︎❄︎☜︎☠︎ ❄︎⚐︎ ❄︎☟︎✋︎💧︎ ☜︎🏱︎✋︎💧︎⚐︎👎︎☜︎ ✌︎☠︎👎︎ ☝︎✋︎✞︎☜︎ ❄︎☟︎☜︎ ☟︎⚐︎☠︎☜︎💧︎❄︎☹︎✡︎✍︎ ☟︎☜︎☹︎☹︎ ✡︎☜︎✌︎☟︎ 🏱︎⚐︎👎︎👍︎✌︎💧︎❄︎ ✌︎ 👌︎🕆︎☠︎👍︎☟︎ ⚐︎☞︎ ✡︎⚐︎🕆︎☼︎ 💣︎⚐︎☠︎☜︎✡︎📬︎ 👌︎☹︎✌︎👍︎😐︎ ☹︎✋︎✞︎☜︎💧︎ 💣︎✌︎❄︎❄︎☜︎☼︎📬︎ ✌︎👍︎✌︎👌︎📬︎ 👌︎☜︎ ☠︎✋︎👍︎☜︎📬︎ ❄︎☟︎✌︎☠︎😐︎💧︎✏︎

Wow, an amazing correspondence from the extraterrestrial! Now, we're no UFOlogists, but if we had to guess what it means, we'd say that they're trying to tell us to definitely watch Curse of the Man Who Sees UFOs, listen to this episode, drink every time Danielle accidentally refers to Christo as Kenny, avoid crapping your pants on a golf course at all costs, and stop being a fucking furry! And that we must all heed their warning...or else! Tune in!

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BONUS EPISODE: Interview or Die

Mon, 31 Aug 2020 13:30:16 GMT

In our most profound act of dignified journalism to date, we sit down with the star and directors of one of the most popular documentaries we've covered to date: SOAP or DIE. First, tune in to hear the one and only Ryan Jaunzemis wax poetic about wearing a mask at Buffalo Wild Wings, new projects he has in the works (and yes, they do involve rhythmic gymnastics), give dating advice to Juggalos, and SO much more. Then, at the 43:10 mark, listen in as we clown around with directors Logan Shillinglaw IV and Grey Keith, covering topics such as LARPing, Catfishing, the biggest Soap shoes ever made, and of course the inside scoop on how one of the greatest documentaries of our time was made. DO NOT MISS THIS EPISODE! And Chris Morris, if you're reading this, we were just joking around!

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Wheat & Tares (2012): Serpent Smells

Fri, 28 Aug 2020 07:00:00 GMT

THE END IS NEAR! THE END IS NEAR! YOU MUST REPENT! THE END IS NEAR! Or, like, it was. Once upon a time--almost a whole decade ago--there was a smallish group of people who believed that on May 21, 2011, the Earth and all the graves on it would open up for God to rescue all of the worthy souls to take to Heaven and leave all the sinners to endure 5 months of utter destruction. ***SPOILER ALERT*** That didn't happen. In Wheat & Tares, we follow a group of families preparing for the end by spending every last penny they've ever made and burning every last bridge they ever built in the hopes of being the chosen ones swept right out of their clothes and up to Heaven. Join us this week as we attempt to check the math of an actual dinosaur skin walker, present M. Night Shayamalan with the opportunity of a lifetime, swim in lava, and a whole bunch more. Tune in...or else!

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Apologust (Ep. 4): Everything Else (Feat. Rhett Anderson)

Thu, 27 Aug 2020 07:00:00 GMT

At long last, the final episode of our first annual limited series Apologust is here. On the last stop of the Apology Tour 2020, we make a wonderfully sloppy attempt at total forgiveness by bringing up all the things we just hoped you'd forget about, and even drag in our one and only guest to beg for mercy. Tune in one last time, and please accept our humble apologies!

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The Weather Underground (2002): Cop Prom

Fri, 21 Aug 2020 07:00:00 GMT

1969 was an iconic year in American history. From it spawned the Summer of Love, Woodstock, the Charles Manson murders, and of course one of the most radical activist groups the country has ever known: The Weather Underground. Made up of a bunch of bona fide genius hotties, this group of revolutionary movers and shakers were taking it to the streets to violently overthrow American capitalism, war, and racism as we knew it through the use of homemade pipe bombs and relentless orgies. While only marginally successful in making a difference since we’re still fighting the good fight in this godforsaken year known as 2020, we have no choice but to stand in solidarity with the bravest, most motivated, and HOT hippies the nation has ever known. Join us as we strategically stroke the egos of the FBI, shout out our alumni from the Chocolate Muffin Kiosk Club, and discuss the right and wrong times to 69 your comrade! Tune in!

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Apologust (Ep. 3): SPIRITual Healing

Thu, 20 Aug 2020 14:43:29 GMT

Whether you have been an avid listener, or have only tuned in for 45 seconds, it's glaringly obvious that we're fully drunk at all times of recording...and for that, we're fucking sorry, okay? We're also sorry for often times neglecting to abide by the themed-cocktail rule we've put upon ourselves, and for also coming up with DISGUSTING cocktails to fit the theme along the way (banana mules, anyone?) So pour yourself a stiff one and tune in to hear us drunkenly grovel for your SPIRITual forgiveness.

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Shut Up, Little Man! (2011): We're Watching F*cking Wheel of Fortune!

Fri, 14 Aug 2020 07:00:00 GMT

It's safe to say that we have all had roommates sent directly From Hell ™ to permanently wreak havoc on our lives and domain in ways we'll never forget. Sometimes they steal our hooch, or throw away our mail, maybe they'll even set the house ablaze with pizza rolls left in a 500*F oven for 6 hour straight. But have you ever had a relationship with your roommate so volatile that you stoop so low as to accuse them of "giggling falsely?" In Shut Up, Little Man, we are treated to the voyeuristic journey of a life time, as two punk kids begin secretly recording the utter blowouts of their grumpy old male neighbors, and what they catch on tape turns out to be comedic gold that takes their San Francisco community by storm. Join us as we recklessly stereotype people from Wisconsin, cruelly eviscerate community theater (again), and of course *beep* *beep* while *beeping* and *beep*, but still *beeeeeeeeep!* Tune in!

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Apologust (Ep. 2): Auditory Assault

Mon, 10 Aug 2020 18:58:01 GMT

Listen, we know our sound is bad...very, very, very bad, and we're fucking sorry, okay? We have no idea what we are doing in most facets of life, but man, are we useless when it comes to Podcast Sound Engineering™, and probably will be until someone wants to pay to send us to podcast college. Until then, tune in to hear us grovel for your forgiveness over poor audio regarding our poor audio.

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Soap or Die (2017): A Little Bit Country, A Little Rock 'n' Roll

Fri, 07 Aug 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Once upon a time, a new shoe design would hit the market and change the world as we knew it. An unsuspecting sneaker adorned with a plastic plate cupping the bottom of the bridge, allowing its master to effortlessly grind on curbs, rails, picnic tables, and virtually any long object with a hard edge that you can imagine; and they were called Soap shoes. Suddenly skateboarders and rollerbladers were forced watch from the sidelines as Soapers ruled the rails of the skatepark and streets alike, led by their fearless king, Ryan Jaunzemis. In Soap or Die, we follow the first (only?) and last professional Soaper as he describes his thrilling life before and during Soap, and his shameful fall from grace after sending a hateful email that would shock the Soap community (and his mom) forever. You might be wondering what could be left for a disgraced Soaper after the company shuttered, and we're here to tell you that it most certainly involves getting banned from the UK, releasing a single called "Poppin' Dem Motorollas," becoming a pick-up artist in Vegas, and not much more. But what happens when fate allows you to don another pair of plastic-plated sneakers all these years later? Tune in and find out!

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Apologust (Ep. 1): An Apology to Virgins

Mon, 03 Aug 2020 16:14:55 GMT

In the first installment of our limited series, Apologust, we attempt to make amends with virgins and flumpy dumpers once and for all, and boy, do we have a lot to atone for. We hope you tune in, and accept our heart-felt apology that we will probably have to apologize for in the future.

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Kurt & Courtney (1998): aKraut a Girl

Fri, 31 Jul 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Through the years, the music industry has produced some pretty infamous couples: Sonny & Cher, Sid & Nancy, J.Lo & Puff Daddy, and of course Kurt & Courtney, whose tragic demise would ROCK the world (get it, guys? Because they were rockers in rock bands. Nirvana and Hole. Rockers…rocking the world). When Kurt Cobain was found dead with a bullet wound to the head on April 8th, 1994, many believed that Kurt had succumbed to the demons of his depression and heroin abuse by taking his own life. However, when a limp-dick BBC reporter starts poking around the mean streets of Washington looking for answers surrounding Kurt’s death, he uncovers a widespread hatred for his wife, Courtney and is compelled to get everyone in the world who ever met her to talk as much shit about her on camera as possible (journalism!) This week, Jen & Danielle do their best to stay on topic despite extensive sidebars on krautrock, Dave Grohl’s likability, the differences between a shock JOCK and a shock ROCKer, and generally just fucking hating this stupid movie. If you want to hear their extensive, long-winded opinions on a topic they couldn’t really care less about, and maybe even have a bunch of LOLs along the way, tune all the way in!

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The Hollywood Complex (2010): That's Showbiz, Babe!

Fri, 24 Jul 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Lights! Camera! Action! It’s pilot season in Hollywood, baby, and the streets are flooded with young hopefuls willing to sell their souls for a big break—or really any work you’d be willing give them for any amount of money (please). In The Hollywood Complex, we follow some of the desperate parents putting their children, homes, families, jobs, financial security, dignity, pride, integrity, etc. all on the line to move into dumpy studio apartments in search of Hollywood STARDOM! It’s a dog eat dog world out there, as we learn that the life of a struggling child star consists of lousy continental breakfasts, Diet Coke, and pretend Oscar speeches at best, and racial profiling, utter rejection, traumatizing coaching, and wayyyyyy too many hot dogs at worst. As two HIGHLY sought-after, very FAMOUS, and RICH Hollywood virtuosos, Jen and Danielle are ready to pull back the curtain and show how the sausage gets eaten—or made, or whatever. Tune in!

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Team Foxcatcher (2014): Did You Know About Saigon?

Fri, 17 Jul 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Guys! We have pretty decent sound quality this week! Too bad it’s wasted on this absolute snooze-fest of a documentary, Team Foxcatcher! This may come as a shock to some of you, but we don’t know shit about Olympic wrestling, being rich, or really anything that men do, in general. Never fear, though, because we are still fully willing to give our uninformed opinions on (water) polo, athletic philanthropy, “American royalty,” and lots more! Please tune in for the most homoerotic venture into the lamest documentary neither of us could stay awake for to date! Exclamation point!

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Monster Camp (2007): Bonking Up the Wrong Tree

Fri, 10 Jul 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Hear ye, hear ye! Do you enjoy dressing up from head to toe in felt? Do you spend countless hours practicing your sword-wielding prowess in your mom’s backyard? Do you survive off a steady diet of little else but Mountain Dew and frozen burritos? Are you a hopeless virgin? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, we have just the place for you: Monster Camp! Nestled in Millersylvania State Park outside of Seattle exists a world populated by dragons, elves, fairies, rat gladiators, goblin kings, and any other fantastical creature you can dream up making it up as they go to fight to the death for some fake, unintelligible reason. That’s right, people: We’ve got a bunch of LARPing incels on our hands and we are going where no sexually experienced person has dared to go before. Join us as we feebly attempt to understand the laws of the lawless games these jokers play, consider the different shapes, sizes, and patterns neckbeards take on, cast devastating spells, and so much more! Please bear with us as the sound quality is as bad as ever, but the LOLs are heartier than ever! Tune in!

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Catfish (2010): Yay Freedom

Fri, 03 Jul 2020 07:00:00 GMT

It’s a pastime as American as baseball, watching TV, or suing your neighbor: the act of spending hours, days, months, and even years on the internet convincing a person to fall in love with you under false pretenses. There’s a name for such an activity, and it all comes from the 2010 cultural juggernaut documentary, Catfish. This week, Jen and Danielle follow some poor little rich boys to the shadiest corner this side of the dark net as they dive head first into an long distance and ill-advised friendship with a mysterious 8-year-old horse girl that—big surprise—isn’t as it seems! Join us as we consider the necessary precautions to take when visiting Michigan, point out the countless red flags that go unnoticed when being catfished, and even embark on the role-paying opportunity of a lifetime as we exchange the most luke-warm sexts two strangers could possibly muster up on the 4th of July in 2008. Tune in already, and God bless America!

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Tread (2020): Kill Buildings

Fri, 26 Jun 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Jen and Danielle are a goddamn mess, y’all, but that’s not going to keep them from bringing the LOLs this week as they discuss the hottest doc of the year, TREAD. It’s Grumpy Old Men meets Michael Bay as a super complicated (simple) land feud between a bunch of old white guys turns into utter (mild) destruction when a fortified bulldozer wreaks havoc on a sleepy mountain town in the name of JUSTICE (“God’s plan”). We cover a lot of ground in this episode—or at least as much as a huge piece of machinery can going 8 mph—as we discuss the semen-laced inner-thoughts of a man in a hot tub, concrete dust, the need for everyone in 2004 to jerk off to Vin Diesel, and a whole lot more. And this may come as a surprise to some of you, but we have no idea what mufflers are comprised of, or how land ownership works in regards to sewage lines. Tune in!

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Rats (2016): www. ihavenotv .com

Fri, 19 Jun 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Well, well, well. It looks like Morgan Spurlock has officially clawed his way out of the solitary confinement cell of director’s jail as he admittedly blows our minds with his Discovery Channel documentary, Rats. From the sewers of NYC, to the rice fields of Cambodia, we meet the millions of diseased monsters helping to wreak havoc on the world and society alike. Join us as we discuss the yum-factor of rats around the world, apply to Rat College, drink gallons of poison, and listen to Jen ruthlessly and needlessly defend these diseased rodents because “their hands” (???) Tune in!

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American Juggalo (2011) & ICP: A Family Underground (2008): Hot Soda

Fri, 12 Jun 2020 07:00:00 GMT

If you had all the money, time, and resources in the world available to you to spend on the destination extended weekend of your dreams, where would you go? Maybe a luxury yacht off the coast of Spain? How about a relaxing stay at a beach resort in the Bahamas? A rowdy weekend in Vegas, perhaps? Now, and hear us out, have you ever considered 3+ days in Hog Rock, Illinois in the middle of a landfill littered with the sweat-stained bloated bodies of the Insane Clown Posse fandom? We’ve packed our bags, booked our flights, and have infiltrated the annual Dark Carnival of Souls to whoop whoop it up with our family as we watch both American Juggalo AND ICP: A Family Underground this week. Alongside our ninja kings, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, we don our tiniest braids, finest spray-painted faces, and baggiest jorts to roll around in hot soda, mutilate each other’s foreheads, jiggle some kitties, and fully overdose on gasoline in a trashcan. So if you’re down with the clown, tune in, family! Whoop Whoop!

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Living Dolls (2013): Big Fae Energy

Fri, 29 May 2020 07:00:00 GMT

From Hershey, Pennsylvania to Manhattan, from the United Kingdom to somewhere in Florida, there is a pocket of society that lives, laughs, loves little else but DOLLS. Barbies, Cabbage Patch kids, homemade converted robots, sex dolls, British Bratz dolls, you name it: if it’s an inanimate humanoid, these freaks LOVE it. This week, we went where presumably literally no one has gone before and watched a lil’ documentary called Living Dolls, which can only be compared to a slightly longer episode of My Strange Addiction (enjoyable!) We discuss the historical parallels between doll-people and bird owners, whether stop motion robot porn is cool or not, our understanding that beans are the predominant currency in the UK, plus so much more! And we can’t believe we have to say this, but just because you put eyelashes on your cum rag doesn’t mean you can bring it into a bed & breakfast! Tune in!

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The Trials of Ted Haggard (2008): I "Had" to Say Something

Sat, 23 May 2020 00:56:11 GMT

The year was 2006 and there was nothing fun, cool, or sexy about it. Beloved icon Steve Irwin passed away, Vice President Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face, New Orleans was still recovering from Hurricane Katrina, and some thirsty bitch named Mike Jones (NOT THE RAPPER) emerged from the gutter to out megachurch superstar pastor, Ted Haggard for engaging in—get this—gay sex and drug use. So what does the church do? They strip Ted of his pastor powers (???) and condem him, his wife, and kids to the closest place to Hell on Earth: Scottsdale, Arizona. In The Trials of Ted Haggard, we watch Ted navigate his new life as a crestfallen religious leader who apparently has not one single dollar, no job prospects, no home, ugly kids, and a completely heterosexual marriage all because he lived his truth “L”ing a “B” the best way he knew how! Join us as we attempt to deliver some much needed justice to an undeserving, yet fully problematic pariah.

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Grey Gardens (1975): My 600 lb. Hoarders of East Hampton

Fri, 15 May 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Yooo-hooo darlins! You’ve been cordially invited by notorious socialites Big Edie and Little Edie Beale to accompany them for some rum and corn at their coveted East Hamptons decrepit mansion! Don your most glamorous brown “costume,” pin your favorite washcloth to your head with mother’s brooch, bushwhack your way through the swampy beach jungle of Grey Gardens, and behold as your hosts entertain you with cockamamie song and dance of yesteryear as their feral cats eat actual shit off every dusty surface in sight. And while you might not find it to be the most titillating invitation, rest assured that it’s an experience so noteworthy that the goddamn Library of Congress deems it required viewing. THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, people. So wheel out your phonograph and tune in! And once again, we are very stupid and officially don’t know history OR math.

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Welcome to Leith (2015): Live, Laugh, Love, Leith

Fri, 01 May 2020 07:00:00 GMT

With a population of 24, the three square miles of the uncharted territory called Leith, North Dakota is an unexpected safe-haven for hot mayors, beer-slingin’ cattle ranchers, one whole bar, and trigger-happy young families. However, this little slice of heaven on Earth is so irresistible that even full-blown Nazis want a piece of the pie as known white supremacist Craig Cobb moves in and buys all the vacant land in Leith for a cool $500. With the help of his two sister-fucker redneck cronies, will he be successful in turning Leith into the aryan nation of his dreams? Tune in to find out as we live, laugh, love, Leith!

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Sour Grapes (2016): Diva Cup of the King

Fri, 24 Apr 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Picture it: You’re just a multi-millionaire wine connoisseur minding your own business when suddenly AOL alerts you that you’ve got mail...it’s the auction house and boy, do they have a deal for you. For the low, low price of $35,000, you can add to your cellar a wine so rare, so delicious, so irresistible that it can only be compared to “beef noodles with a hint of sappy barnyard plums.” Naturally, you place your bid, pray to not spend more than $100K (but totally throw down if you have to), retrieve your prize and crack it open only to discover that your non-refundable bottle isn’t filled with anything but Sour Grapes. This week, we stan yet another scammer who’s taking these wine snobs for every penny they’ve got. Join us as we reveal ourselves to be the true plebeians you always knew we were! Cheers!

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Super High Me (2008): A Lute Positive Space (Featuring Rhett Anderson)

Thu, 16 Apr 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Happy 420 you STONER SKANK🏽!!! Make sure a BLUNT isn’t the only thing you wrap your TENDER LIPS around today. Get HIGH today and make sure to LISTENto our new episode on stoner ⭐️super star ⭐️ DOUG BENSON’S dumbass documentary SUPERHIGHME Puff puff pass the word on that the weed doctor ‍⚕️ is in as special guest Rhett Anderson joins us again to commemorate this special occasion Remember: the only way to make 4️⃣2️⃣0️⃣ even BETTER is by adding 6️⃣9️⃣! Send this to all of your stoner sluts and tell them to tune in. If you get NONE back you get stoned to death! If you get 5 back your a HOT lil nug. If you get 20 back you’re the ULTIMATE STONER SLUT

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A Courtship (2015): Reactions to Dubstep and Other Short Stories

Thu, 09 Apr 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Hey all you single ladies! Dating is just an absolute nightmare, amirite? Thank God (literally) there are rodent-faced married fathers of two out there willing to house 33 year old single women and screen the men they would be dating otherwise! In A Courtship, we meet a freaky makeshift family of fundamentalists who believe that a woman simply cannot achieve her dreams of a perfect (Confederate) wedding without finding a suitor who is willing to jump through the fiery hoops of an inquisitive spiritual parent. Join us as we chat about our love for bread and butter sandwiches, Christian confusion regarding dubstep, promiscuous smooching, and sooo much more. And although Danielle is illegally drunk, you simply must hear our review on what Jen calls “the Jesus Camp of documentaries!” Tune in!

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The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia (2009): The Matriarch's Sexiest Daughter

Thu, 02 Apr 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Yeee-haw motherfuckers! It’s time to pack up the entire family and every prescription pill in your neighborhood as we head on out to visit The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia! And ooooo-wee, do Mamie, Jesco, Sue Bob, Kirk, Bo, Mousie, and Bertie Mae have a great time planned for us. We’re gonna do lines off our relatives’ various body parts, play with loaded guns at toddlers, fuck each other’s baby daddies, get misspelled tattoos, and a whole mess of other family-fun shit! Sorry to say that the sound in this episode is as rough as an extended stint in rehab, but you know what they say: you can’t cut the mustard until you lick the jar...or whatever!

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The Woman Who Wasn't There (2012): Just Maui'd

Thu, 26 Mar 2020 13:23:07 GMT

With every generation comes an event so significant that the memory of your own experience during that time comes into question throughout your lifetime: Where were you when you heard that Prince died? How old were you when Mary Kay Letourneau announced she was pregnant with Vili Fualaau’s baby? Remember when you watched Britney Spears’ 2007 VMA performance? And of course, do you remember where you were during the attacks on 9/11? Apparently, for some lady named Tania Head, the memory is a little foggy as she cements herself as The Woman Who Wasn’t There. Join us in our first-ever remote Skype recording as we discuss the 9/11 celeb circuit, the inappropriate nature of an ill-fitting brown button-up, the illegitimacy of Meredith Vieira, and so much more! Disclaimer: the sound quality is less than average, but we’re just two girls living in a COVID-19 world. Tune in!

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BONUS EPISODE (2020): Sad and Forbidden

Fri, 20 Mar 2020 23:45:34 GMT

This week, we abandon our regularly scheduled programming as we spill our Moscow mule-filled guts, dishing about the ramifications of the COVID-19 pandemic. We try to bring as many LoLs as we can amongst the anguish of this global meltdown. Do we succeed? Tune in and find out!

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Thought Crimes: The Case of the Cannibal Cop (2015): www.cannibalismsucks.com

Thu, 12 Mar 2020 07:00:00 GMT

Beware ladies, the boys in blue are after you. And they want to kidnap you and cook you and eat you?? Or at least one of them does. In Thought Crimes: The Case of the Cannibal Cop, we meet a butthole-eyed, flumpy dumper of a NYPD cop named Gilberto Valle, whose deepest, darkest desires to hunt and eat the women in his life were put on blast when his wife discovered his disturbing and humiliating cyber sexts with other horny cannibals. But without ever actually fulfilling any of the plans he made to achieve his dreams, did he actually commit a crime? Join us as we shed our esteemed legal opinions on this landmark case, question this amateur’s cooking techniques, and establish ACAB once and for all! Tune in!

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Room 237 (2012): A Straight On Hard On (with Rhett Anderson)

Thu, 05 Mar 2020 09:00:00 GMT

Look, there are a lot of wild conspiracy theories out there: Pizzagate, chem trails, flat Earth, Sandy Hook was a hoax, some pretty out-there stuff to be sure. However, have you heard that Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining is actually about hot, sexy MINOTAURS? Or that it’s actually subtle peace pipe porn? Or how about the idea that the Shining is actually a letter from Stanley Kubrick to his wife confessing that he filmed the “fake” footage of the first moon landing? Gather ‘round folks, because Room 237 has managed to assemble the nation’s most prolific virgins to weigh in with their revelations on this classic piece of cinema. Joined by special guest, Rhett Anderson, we drunkenly dissect this virgin manifesto, wondering if Tom Cruise is even allowed in a Big & Tall store, try to find answers in baking powder, describe metaphoric dick-sucking in grave detail, and a whole lot more! Heeeeeere’s Johnny!

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Bikram: Yogi, Guru, Predator(2019): A Big Strong Asshole

Thu, 27 Feb 2020 08:00:00 GMT

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Easing into Eagle pose, your charkras are aligned and your third eye is open, on the precipice of ultimate enlightenment when from the sky comes a voice telling you to SUCK IN YOUR FAT FUCKING STOMACH, YOU STUPID UGLY BITCH. Suddenly you realize you’re in a stinky 120 degree room with 500 other people and an old man in a speedo trying to balance on your hip bones. In Bikram: Yogi, Guru, Predator, we unfortunately learn that as bad as that sounds, you were “lucky” to leave a Bikram session with only having been shamed and verbally abused, instead of enduring the sexual and physical abuses bestowed upon many of this scum bag’s loyal students. So find your dristi and join us as we navigate the health trends of late-90s L.A., consider the benefits of yoga to achieving a strong asshole, and fully downward-dog on Bikram and his predatory empire. Namaste, bitches!

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Mommy Dead and Dearest (2017): Bad Historians

Thu, 20 Feb 2020 08:00:00 GMT

In 2015, a story would come out of Springfield, Missouri that would make even the most seasoned true-crime aficionado blush. It had it all, and then some: Mommies, murder, Munchausen, medications, even a guy named Nicholas. In Mommy Dead and Dearest, we learn of the sordid history and eventual demise of Make a Wish Foundation celebs, Gypsy Rose and her mother, Dee Dee Blancharde. Log in to your Christian Mingle account, put on your favorite princess wig, and join us as we navigate the nuances of being a proxy, put a call out to a sexy bayou bumpkin to make Jen an honest woman once and for all, masturbate in a McDonald’s for 9 hours with a large knife, and lots more! Tune in!

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Tallhotblond(2009): Lips of an Angel

Thu, 13 Feb 2020 08:00:00 GMT

Talhotblond: hello sexy...asl?

marinesniper: 47/m/NY

marinesniper: i mean 18/m/NY chiseled war hero w/ a fully functioning 9” penis...u?

Talhotblond: 47/f/WV

Talhotblond: i mean 18/f/WV who just graduated high school and plays volleyball every day! very tall, extremely hot, definitely blond

marinesniper: wow, I love u w/ all my heart and am fully willing to abandon my boring wife and kids for u, and also kill for u as soon as I get back from sniping in a war

Talhotblond: yes baby, let’s cyber each other to death

marinesniper: im coming

Talhotblond: g2g listen to the new ep of Honestly? Hell Yeah. ttyl xoxo

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Fursonas(2016): Talk Squeaky to Me

Thu, 06 Feb 2020 13:53:21 GMT

At long last (or at least since the 1994 release of the Lion King), the furries have finally come home to roost in the 2016 love letter to themselves, Fursonas. Demanding privacy AND global acceptance, while insisting this fandom ISN’T sexual but admitting that, yeah, they TOTALLY have sex in their costumes, we try to determine just what these freaks on an actual leash are really all about. We’re frankly no closer to the answer, but what we do know is that these virgins think semen and lube are the same thing, furries do love to party, that watching a 6’2” man in a fox costume play flirty hide ‘n’ seek in the woods is the most embarrassing shit we’ve ever seen, and that it’s totally “NOT” sexual! So ditch the raccoon tail, kick back with a tall glass of “Special Kitty Milk,” and tune all the way in! And more than ever, content NOT suitable for furries.

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I Like Killing Flies (2004): A Trick of the Nokia

Thu, 30 Jan 2020 08:00:00 GMT

I Like Killing Flies is a truly one of a kind documentary on a truly one of a kind institution. Through the lens of what appears to be the camera on the first prototype of a car phone, we are blessed to follow the Shopsin family as they run their decades-old corner store/general store/grocery store/bodega and cafe in Greenwich Village. Order yourself an OG Blisters on my Sisters, take a fistful of penny candy, and watch as Kenny Shopsin rigs his kitchen to within an inch of its life, waxing poetic about how we should be allowed to kill our children until they turn 18, all while whipping up 900 menu items with, well, minimal ease. Join us as we enjoy a couple tall glasses of flax milk and vodka, consider the fuckability of the cafe itself (Jen “would”), and decide whether or not Kenny wears a big ol’ wig. And you know what they say about a big wig...

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Tickled (2016): Don't be Fooled by Petra

Thu, 23 Jan 2020 08:00:00 GMT

The internet has given us so much: endless knowledge at the tip of our fingers, effortless connection to loved ones, colleagues, and strangers alike, shopping with the click of a button, and perhaps most amazingly, competitive endurance tickling. Yes, thanks to the internet, Jane O’Brien Media has provided hundreds of videos depicting young men mounting and tickling each other for “sport” and heterosexual consumption ONLY! However, a curious kiwi is positively Tickled by this content, and just can’t help himself as he unknowingly begins to irreparably disturb the shaky grounds on which this tickling empire was built. Join us this week as we strap on our moisture wicking athletic gear, fire up the 1996 camcorder, mount each other PLATONICALLY, and open an AOL portal directly to Hell that will require thousands of threatening birthday cards to close. Goochie-goochie-goo, bitches!

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Dig! (2004): Anyways, here's "Wonderwall"

Thu, 16 Jan 2020 08:00:00 GMT

*MUSICIANS WANTED*

I, the son of God, am looking for our 400,001st member to join the most prolific rock ‘n’ roll band in North America, ya Dig? If you’re a groovy dude or a righteous chick who knows how to take up space on a stage without necessarily playing an instrument, then we’re the band for you. Inquire within if you have a terrible heroin and/or drinking problem, mutton chops, can hold your own in a brawl when we inevitably start beating the shit out of each other mid-gig, and don’t mind inhabiting house without running water (yes, we insist on living with each other). Need not apply if you have songwriting input, problem-solving abilities, or really any integrity at all. So come join the revolution, man, and show those Dandy Warhols what a bunch of pussies they are after all! Dig!

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Grizzly Man (2005): A Bear in the Streets and a Freak in the Sheets

Thu, 09 Jan 2020 08:00:00 GMT

You know Downey, and Ed, and Grinch, and Ollie. Aunt Melissa, and Saturn, and Mickey, and Mr. Chocolate. But do you recall the most famous Grizzly Man of all? Timothy Treadwell was a lovable, towheaded goof who spent 13 summers living amongst (and protecting??) the wild grizzly bears roaming the Alaskan wilderness, documenting his and their every move on videotape. Through watching his rudimentary vlog so lovingly prepared by German zaddy, Werner Herzog, we manage to speculate about his potential title as the granddaddy of all furries, that he would totally lay better pipe than Paris Hilton, that animals definitely rule, Timothy definitely conquered, and so much more! Disclaimer: This episode deals with the gruesome and graphic details of Mr. Treadwell’s fatal encounter with Bear 141. Oh, and as usual, we are very fucking stupid. Tune in!

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What Would Jesus Buy? (2007) : Cash That Check Your Ass Just Wrote

Thu, 26 Dec 2019 08:00:00 GMT

Welp, it looks like we have a Christmas miracle, everyone: We found the lamest fucking documentary ever made. That’s right, we watched What Would Jesus Buy? so you don’t have to! Join us as we fly off the fucking rails, becoming bona fide capitalists strictly in spite of this terrible movie, despite its agreeable message. Pour yourself a tall glass of eggnog and vodka (as Jen would make it), kick back, and tune in as we discuss the length of Brokeback Mountain (the book), living in Orange Julius, the shameful lives of poor children, and all those other things that bring you holiday cheer. Oh and also, fuck Morgan Spurlock.

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Hail Satan? (2019): Keep Your Testaments Off of My Ovaries

Thu, 19 Dec 2019 08:00:00 GMT

Do you ever find yourself looking for something more? Are you looking for answers and only finding more questions? Do you identify as an edgy thespian and/or magician with an insatiable desire to troll the religious patriarchy? If so, look no further than the Satanic Temple! Led by aging, milky-eyed, sexy(????) prankster Lucien Greaves, you’re sure to find the brother/sisterhood you’ve been craving as you pour milk all over yourself dressed as a giant baby in front of an abortion clinic as a form of protest in the name of Satan! Forge a special Satanist’s bond as you smooch your brethren atop a deceased homophobe’s grave! Promote equality, love, and unity all while choking on daddy’s wine! You owe it to yourself. Join us this week as Danielle, once again, disgraces her husband with her questionable, yet public taste in men. And honestly? Hail Satan.

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Hot Girls Wanted (2015): The Pickle in You

Thu, 12 Dec 2019 08:00:00 GMT

As documentaries are often tragic in nature, where better to head back to than the gator-and-body-infested swamps of Florida to get some good material? This week, the land of tragedy has provided us with a wealth of teen desperation to unpack as we close the blinds, turn on private browsing, and watch Hot Girls Wanted. Join us as we wonder why amateur porn stars insist on going by “Ava ______,” assess Paris Hilton’s ability to lay down good pipe, bear our souls like a couple of amateur starlets, and lots more! DISCLAIMER: NSFW content NOT suitable for children, moms, dads, OUR moms, OUR dads, or furries (as always).

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Jeremiah Tower: The Last Magnificant(2016): Hot Cucumber, Cold Fish

Sat, 30 Nov 2019 08:00:00 GMT

In the thankless business of hospitality, specifically the restaurant industry, it’s amazing that a handful of chefs have managed to claw their way from the grease trap into becoming household names. You’ve got Gordon Ramsay, that Emeril guy, Michelin star sweetheart Rachael Ray, and who could forget Jeremiah Tower? Oh yeah, everybody! Luckily, we have Jeremiah Tower: the Last Magnificent to regale the history of the man credited with reinventing the modern American dining experience. Join us as we learn about the dignified elder who, through his love of aspics and like, cucumber fish(??), grew into an epicurean mentor for hippies who could only make black beans, open the most popular restaurant that no one has ever heard of, and eventually drop off the face of the planet for decades until he decides, in his geriatric mind, that it’s time to return to the kitchen of a failing restaurant that everybody hates! Will he bring it back from the depths of critics-review-Hell, and learn that the backbreaking work of an under-appreciated and under-paid chef is just what he’s been missing for all those years? Tune in to find out!

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The Rachel Divide(2018): More Confused Than Ever

Thu, 21 Nov 2019 08:00:00 GMT

In the age of the 24-hour news cycle, there was a story out of Spokane, Washington in 2015 so shocking that it lasted a whole 72 hours: NAACP President and professor of Africana studies, Rachel Dolezal, was outed as a white woman posing as a black woman. With such a salacious scandal disrupting the lives of her community and family, does Rachel have a moment of introspection and fess up to her misguided choices and maybe even apologize to those she has hurt through her confusing actions? Nope, she doubles down, coins the problematic term “transracial”, ruins her kids lives by filming The Rachel Divide, and legally changes her name to Nkechi. Join us this week as we tackle our unsolicited, yet complicated feelings on this complicated woman. If that doesn’t rope you in, if you’ve ever wondered what movies Rachel Dolezal would rent from Blockbuster, we have the inside scoop! Don’t miss out!

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The Imposter (2012): Yee-hon hon hon!

Thu, 14 Nov 2019 08:00:00 GMT

Picture this: You're a twenty-something French man crouching in a phone booth in Spain and the cops just got called on you. What do you do once taken into custody? If your answer is to convince federal agents spanning multiple continents that you're a missing 13-year-old boy from Texas by dying your hair blonde and enlisting a child to give you 3 back-alley stick & pokes, and then to move in with the family that claims you've been missing for 4 years and live a life as a person you've never met before for no apparent reason, then you have a documentary made about you! And it's called The Imposter! And we're talking a whooooole bunch of shit about you in this week's episode! Tune in!

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The Queen of Versailles (2012): Swamp Cabbage: A Riches to Rags Story

Thu, 07 Nov 2019 08:00:00 GMT

For us poor losers to wonder how the "other half" lives is a daily pastime. We dream up fantastical escapades of grandeur: traveling to exotic locations with private transportation, dining in Michelin star restaurants for every meal, getting veneers whenever they want, maybe even having health insurance. However, the wealthy Siegel family featured in the Queen of Versailles would have you believe that a billionaire's life consists of little more than filling your house with over-sized gold vases and actual dog shit, ordering hundreds of chicken nuggets at a time, off-brand beauty pageants, and rigging presidential elections. Join us this week as we revel in watching these monsters try to build the biggest house in America atop a landfill of swamp cabbage while simultaneously losing their "billions" of "dollars!"

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Haunters: The Art of the Scare (2017): You're in Hell, Bitch!

Wed, 30 Oct 2019 19:35:11 GMT

BOO! Whoops, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you there, but that’s nothing compared to the screams and scares you’ll have during a viewing of Haunters: The Art of the Scare. If you think you have the guts, join us in this week’s episode as we meet the absolute freaks (and extreme geeks) who dedicate their entire lives to giving you a fright. Tune in and get your mind freaked as we discuss horny haunted house thespians, call upon the Feds to investigate and shut down McKamey Manor once and for all, have Jen regale us with tales of her former life as a shameful clown baby carnie, and so much more! *insert Criss Angel Mindfreak theme song here* Are you ready?

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Finders Keepers (2015): The High Court of Haggle

Wed, 23 Oct 2019 16:21:39 GMT

You know how the old sayings go: Finders Keepers, losers weepers. You don’t know a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. One man’s disgusting, amputated, mummified leg is another man’s one-way ticket to Hollywood stardom. In this week’s episode, we discuss the very strange feud between one country bumpkin who accidentally lost his leg (in every sense of the word) and the other country bumpkin who accidentally purchased it. Along the way, we touch on topics like smooching on a crashing plane, ways to get rich, a monarchy of hagglers, and lots more! We would also like to announce that we are Bone People now, tune in to find out why!

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If a Tree Falls (2011): He Composts, for Christ's Sake!

Wed, 16 Oct 2019 20:14:27 GMT

There’s no question that our Mother Earth is in desperate need of some nurture, and who better to come to her aid than a bunch of junkies, fregans, and a 22-year-old who had never seen a tree before? In the 2011 documentary, If a Tree Falls, we meet many of the heroes involved in the ELF (Earth Liberation Front) as they protect our planet the best ways they know how: bombing horse blood factories, smashing windows, and getting pepper sprayed in their actual buttholes. So pack your didgeridoos and hackey sacks and join us as we stan these righteous fucking hippies. YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT IS WILD.

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Love Me (2014): The Bigger the Pores, the Smaller the Heart

Wed, 09 Oct 2019 19:41:14 GMT

What is love? Is it spending $10,000 on translated emails to a catfish across the world? Is it demanding marriage from a stranger within 20 seconds of meeting them? Is it small(er) pores? This is the eternal question prompted in the 2014 documentary, Love Me and let’s just say that we are further from the answer than ever before. However, that’s not going to stop us from humiliating ourselves by repeatedly saying “THE Ukraine” instead of just “Ukraine,” offending an entire continent with our pathetic Australian “accents,” and getting in an on-air brawl about cubed ham. Stay tuned for Danielle’s ineloquent rant that she drunkenly mistakes for a “manifesto” at the end!

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King of Kong (2007): A Runty Whisper

Wed, 02 Oct 2019 18:48:12 GMT

For as long as man has engaged in sport, another man has rivaled him to be the best: Red Sox vs. Yankees, Lakers vs. Celtics, Tyson vs. Holyfield, that one sports guy vs. that other one. But there has never been a more contested or sensational rivalry than the one that rages between reigning champ Billy Mitchell and newcomer Steve Wiebe as they compete for the title of King of Kong. This week, we boldly go where no DDG (drop dead gorgeous) girl has ever gone before as we discuss the competitive world of high-score arcade gaming, the hard-boiled egg-based diet of virgins, stupid kids who can’t wipe their own butts, and so much more! Listen to the episode having Danielle put her marriage on the line to lovingly stan some fucking nerd from Washington!

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Tabloid (2010): I'd Rather be Dead in Arizona than Alive in Utah

Wed, 25 Sep 2019 18:10:03 GMT

It’s a Tabloid tale as old as time: a genius southern belle moves to Utah in search of cultural wisdom, falls in love with a frumpy dumpy Mormon schlub with EXTREMELY clean skin, and introduces an entire nation to the nuances of spread-eagling! And then impersonates a deaf-mute to flee said nation! And then clones her dog 5 times! You know the same ol’ story, but join us in this real doo-doo dipper of an episode anyway in unpacking it the best way we know how (drinking an entire bottle of Kinky liqueur and reciting Mormon anti-erection prayers). Content warning: We don’t know what Scotland Yard is.

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Abducted in Plain Sight (2017): Necking in Plain Sight

Wed, 18 Sep 2019 18:13:06 GMT

Visit Pocatello, Idaho! Nestled in the hills of the Northwest, it’s always the early ‘70s here and believe us when we say that everyone is evil, stupid, and covered in liver spots! Join our community and your child, too, can be Abducted in Plain Sight by your irresistible businessman neighbor! Although our only business was burned down by two prison goons, you’ll still be charmed by how easy it to call the FBI directly, and how simple it is to be seduced into giving your buddy subpar handjobs in the car! So come on down to Pocatello: Where everyone sucks and nothing matters!

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My Kid Could Paint That (2007): Wow, That's Fucking Ugly and You Need to Back Off

Wed, 11 Sep 2019 21:30:36 GMT

So, you think your kid could paint that? Turns out, they probably could! Hell, even WE could probably paint...that. Join us in this week’s episode covering the 2007 documentary, My Kid Could Paint That as we discuss the trials and tribulations of being an overnight manager of a Frito Lays factory, high art aesthetics, baby fame, and drink way too many Jell-O shots and vodka-spiked Capri Suns. Spoiler alert: much like the famed baby artist in this story, we don’t know shit about art! Googoo gaga, bitches!

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Glory Daze: The Life and Times of Michael Alig (2015): Auschwitz, Meet Las Vegas

Wed, 04 Sep 2019 18:29:49 GMT

Nightlife! Fashion! Drugs! Murder! It’s a Disco Bloodbath as we discuss the Glory Daze of Michael Alig and the short-lived hay day of the infamous NYC Club Kid scene of the 1990s. Drop some ketamine and meet us at Limelight to party with goats, dress in diapers, lick knives, and shoot poseurs up with Drano!

Disclaimer: This episode contains discussion pertaining to murder and dead bodies more so than others. Discussion of glitter-laced cum is right on par.

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Alt-Right: Age of Rage (2018): Show Me Your Dukes

Wed, 28 Aug 2019 19:03:14 GMT

Once again, angry white men have completely harshed our mellow, only the damage they’ve done this time is almost as crippling as Jen’s hangover in this week’s episode regarding the 2018 Netflix documentary, Alt Right: Age of Rage. While the material at hand is no laughing matter, we still manage to poke a little bit of fun at famed neo-Nazi Richard Spencer’s affinity for Depeche Mode, engage in a rousing bout of fisticuffs, talk relentless shit about those involved in the alt-right movement, and celebrate those fighting it. Tune in to the episode that has made us reconsider covering upsetting subject matter ever again!

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Beware the Slenderman (2016): More Porn, Less Creepypasta

Wed, 21 Aug 2019 19:01:34 GMT

During this day and age, it’s safe to say that white men in suits are pretty scary. In this week’s episode, we discuss the scariest, whitest, stiffest suit of them all as we watch the HBO “digital folklore” drama, Beware the Slenderman. Join us in the woods of Wisconsin as we recite hentai-adjacent poetry, remember what it’s like to be ugly pre-teens, consider the A/S/L of Slenderman, and NOT stab each other 19 times with a kitchen knife! Content still not suitable for furries.

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Behind the Curve (2018): If it Ain't Flat, Don't Fix It

Wed, 14 Aug 2019 18:55:48 GMT

The Earth: Is it round? Or is it flat? In this week's episode, we look Behind the Curve to discover that it's definitely round but that a bunch of absolute freaks seem to think otherwise! Join us as we discuss the repercussions of adult onset virginity, a delicacy known only as "iced applesauce," what it takes to be a Flat Earth daddy, and so much more. Content may not be suitable for all audiences, especially Flat Earthers and furries.

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Fyre Festival Docs (Hulu & Netflix 2018): Burning Man on Fyre

Wed, 07 Aug 2019 19:14:19 GMT

Pack your bags, influencers! It's summertime and you deserve a vacation, so we're taking you all the way back to the Exuma Sandals Resort parking lot to party at the FYRE FESTIVAL! Kick back, relax, and join Jen and Danielle in guzzling rum, admiring Billy McFarland's boots, demanding flying V formations, and calling everyone a "fucking piece of shit". You're in for a lux journey, only this time it won't cost you $250K to party for an hour!

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Jesus Camp (2006): You Can Vote for Pedro AND Love Jesus!

Wed, 31 Jul 2019 19:42:13 GMT

We are having a wet, hot, American summer and what better way to wash away our sins than to unpack the holiest documentary ever made, Jesus Camp?! We talk the implications of a free flowing rat tail, going to school in the mall, a whether or not this all DID come from goo! Join us as we have literally the best (and drunkest) time ever on the road to salvation!

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Intro: Honestly? Hell yeah.

Fri, 19 Jul 2019 18:18:07 GMT

In this brief, and honestly unprecedented episode, America is introduced to its newest (and hottest) sweethearts: Jen and Danielle! We talk about our torrid professional roots, Danielle's newfound obsession with "Soap shoes," and try to clarify exactly what the FUCK we think we're doing making this podcast. Join us as we live, laugh, love, and haphazardly turn knobs on the microphone that we probably shouldn't be touching.

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