How Can I Say This...

Claiming Space with Eliza VanCort

Fri, 14 May 2021 21:36:06 GMT

As the vintage advertising for Virginia Slims cigarettes told women, you’ve come a long way, baby. Women have carved out a bigger seat at the table over the past 70 years. But we still have challenges when it comes to our voices being heard.

Our question this episode: How can women claim their space through confident communication that also builds relationship?

My guest is Eliza VanCort, author of “A Woman's Guide to Claiming Space: Stand Tall. Raise Your Voice. Be Heard.” This is an episode for women AND men who want to support the women in their lives!

Hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC. More info and archives at www.howcanisaythis.com. Your ratings, reviews, and shares are appreciated. Thanks so much for listening!

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Pausing and People Pleasing with Alan Heymann

Fri, 30 Apr 2021 19:58:38 GMT

There are lots of things that get in the way of our ability to successfully handle conflict. They often have to do with a limiting mindset, a leaning towards people pleasing, misidentifying the root cause of the conflict, or not creating a safe environment for feedback or different opinions. The good news is that there’s a lot we can personally do to remove those barriers.

Our question this episode: What are some simple but powerful ways we can set ourselves up for better success when we get into conflict?

My guest is Alan Heymann. Alan is a leadership and executive coach in the Washington DC area. He’s a communications and marketing veteran from the media, government, and nonprofit sectors, with degrees in journalism and law. He’s worn many hats, including being a reporter, anchor, editor and producer, spokesperson, business owner, activist and team leader. His entire career has focused on doing good in the world, by helping others grow.

Hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC. More information and episode archives at www.howcanisaythis.com. Your reviews, ratings, and shares are appreciated! Thanks for listening and caring about courageous conversations.

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The Language of DEI with Arlene Koth

Fri, 16 Apr 2021 19:16:09 GMT

Whether we’re aware of it or not, the past year has introduced most everyone to a new language. Words that we used in one context, such as equality, equity, diversity, belonging, and systems, are now taking on new meaning and are being used in new contexts. It’s not always easy to keep up, but for the sake of courageous conversations, it’s important we try. Our question this episode: how do we talk respectfully and directly about matters of race and privilege when we’re still learning the vocabulary?

My guest today is Arlene Koth, Founder of OPC Consulting. Arlene has over two decades of HR management and organizational planning experience, nearly 20 years of nonprofit experience, and 15 years of C-suite/executive leadership experience.

How Can I Say This… is hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info and archives at howcanisaythis.com. Thank you for listening! Your shares, reviews and ratings are welcome.

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How to Talk to Strangers (Listener Question)

Sat, 27 Mar 2021 16:58:36 GMT

We spend a lot of time thinking about how to have conversations with people we care about. After all, these are the relationships that have the biggest influence in our lives. But what if we spent as much time thinking about the conversations we have with strangers? Could there be new experiences we’re missing out on that would enrich our lives?

Our question this episode: how do you start a conversation with a stranger that might serve as a lead-in to friendship?

If you enjoy this episode, please share with friends, family and colleagues! Your reviews, ratings and subscriptions are also appreciated. Learn more about the podcast, read a transcript of this episode, and access the archives at howcanisaythis.com. Thanks so much for listening! ~Beth B.

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How are you? as a gateway to connection

Mon, 22 Feb 2021 19:22:35 GMT

It’s a reflexive question most of us ask when we start a conversation, and it’s one of the easiest and most challenging questions to answer: how are you? Every time it comes up, I find myself hesitating just a little. This is especially true in the past year, when it feels like an extremely loaded question.

Our question this episode: how far do you go when you answer, “how are you?”

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow. Full episode transcript is available at howcanisaythis.com. Your reviews, ratings, and shares are welcome! If you have a listener question you’d like to have addressed in a future episode, use the submission form at howcanisaythis.com. Thanks for listening!

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Calming Your Nerves (Listener Question)

Fri, 05 Feb 2021 23:36:27 GMT

It happens to all of us, no matter how many times we’ve been in a difficult conversation: we get nervous. We feel stress. That stress can show up in lots of ways: in our body language, breathing patterns, our seeming inability to put words together in a logical order. Even when we figure out what we want to say and how to say it, we can tie ourselves up in nervous knots.

Our question this episode: how can you work through stress so that you can effectively engage in a difficult conversation?

This episode features my response to a question submitted by a listener. If you have a question you’d like addressed on a future episode, visit howcanisaythis.com for details. You’ll also find the transcript of this episode, plus archives of past episodes, on the site. Thanks for listening!

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Acknowledging the Good in the Bad

Sat, 09 Jan 2021 22:29:47 GMT

How can I say this? When you have a day like January 6, 2021 in the United States, it’s hard to know what to say. It left many of us speechless, then enraged, mortified, and confused. When societal norms are violated in such a violent manner, words often escape us. And then we become unable to see the people we feel have violated us as our fellow human beings. We also can refuse to acknowledge those who do the right thing after long doing what we’ve felt is the wrong thing.

Our question this episode: how can we keep our hearts and minds open when we feel cynical about another person’s sincerity?

Hosted by Beth Buelow. Thanks for listening! More episodes on your podcast platform of choice or at howcanisaythis.com. Your shares, ratings and subscribes are welcome!

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The Art of Letting Go

Thu, 31 Dec 2020 20:02:48 GMT

While every year has its ups and downs, 2020 will go down as an especially interesting year for lots of reasons. Our everyday vocabulary expanded to include words previously only used by doctors, lawyers, and politicians. And the conversations we’ve had with friends, family, and colleagues have challenged our understanding of what we thought was true. Sometimes, the new understanding leads to a re-evaluation of the relationship, or even a decision to call it quits.

Our question this episode: how do we know when it’s time to let go of a relationship?

Read a transcript of this episode at howcanisaythis.com. I look forward to more learning together in the coming year. If you enjoy what you hear, subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and share with friends, family and colleagues. Reviews are always welcome! Thanks for listening, and Happy 2021!!

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How to have meaningful virtual conversations with Jennifer Britton

Wed, 23 Dec 2020 19:54:47 GMT

For those of us that grew up with a rotary telephone glued to the wall and no answering machine, the idea of being connected 24/7 everywhere we go still has a bit of novelty to it. I still sometimes marvel that while I walk my dog or go on errands, I’m basically carrying the world in my pocket. That convenience can lead to complacency, which can compromise our approach to conversations that happen over and through advanced technology.

Our question this episode: how can we make sure technology doesn’t interview with real connection?

My guest is Jennifer Britton. Jennifer is passionate about working with teams and organizations around leadership, teamwork and performance issues, specializing in remote work, and virtual teams. Author of Effective Virtual Conversations and four other books. She is an award-winning program designer in the areas of coaching and mentoring. Co-host - Remote Pathways podcast. Master Virtual Facilitator and trainer of others in virtual facilitation.

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Talking about Race at Work with Kwame Christian

Fri, 28 Aug 2020 21:28:19 GMT

Awkward, emotional, uncomfortable. This is how many of us feel when we try to talk about race. But we need to know how to have these conversations if we’re going to make progress toward a more equitable and high-functioning society. Negotiation expert Kwame Christian joins me to give us some starting points on how to talk about race, particularly in a work environment.

This episode is also available on YouTube! Listen AND watch the conversation here: https://youtu.be/1ewGfsSCpVA

Kwame Christian: http://americannegotiationinstitute.com

Podcast: http://howcanisaythis.com

Beth Buelow: http://bethbuelow.com

Thanks for listening and watching the first HCIST video! You can learn more about the podcast, access past episodes, submit a listener question, and learn how to leave a rating or review, all at howcanisaythis.com.

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Using Reflective Inquiry for Better Conversations with Marcia Reynolds

Thu, 04 Jun 2020 19:09:11 GMT

A coaching client recently reminded me of a truth that’s easy to forget: if you want to have a great conversation with someone, focus on trying to be interested, rather than interesting. And how do we demonstrate interest? We ask questions. But there’s more to it than that, and not all questions are created equal. Our question this episode: how can we use curiosity to make more meaningful connections with others?

My guest is Marcia Reynolds, PhD, MCC. Her newest book is "Coach the Person, Not the Problem: A Guide to Using Reflective Inquiry." Your can learn more on the episode webpage at howcanisaythis.com

Your feedback, ratings, reviews, and shares are welcome. Thanks for listening!

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Couples Communication in Quarantine with Marianne van Dijk

Fri, 22 May 2020 21:20:48 GMT

As life in the pandemic continues, our capacity for empathy and connection can come and go. Sometimes it’s easy to be present for our loved ones, and other times, we need space and just to be left alone. Asking for what we need and having boundaries can be challenging enough during non-stressful times, but add a pandemic and all that comes with it into the mix? Things get more complicated.

Our question this episode: how can we take care of ourselves and our relationships during a time of uncertainty and stress?

My guest is relationship communication expert Marianne van Dijk. We talk about how to keep your love relationship healthy, especially in times when tensions are high. (PS: Her tips work for other types of relationships, too!)

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. Your reviews, ratings, and shares are welcome and appreciated! More information at howcanisaythis.com. Thanks for listening!

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Creating a Communication-Friendly Space with Rebecca West

Sat, 09 May 2020 00:54:30 GMT

We all know that our physical surroundings influence our mood and ability to focus. But do we fully appreciate how much they affect our communication? How a room is arranged, what’s in the space, and how welcoming it is all contribute – or detract – from being able to have productive conversations. Our question this episode: what does our physical space have to do with our capacity for connection?

My special guest is Rebecca West, founder of Seriously Happy Homes.

Thanks for listening! Your reviews, ratings, and shares are greatly appreciated. You can learn more at www.howcanisaythis.com.

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Liars and Stonewallers: Listener Questions

Tue, 28 Apr 2020 19:57:10 GMT

If you’ve been listening to this podcast for a while, you know that on the surface we talk about communication, but underneath that, we’re really talking about relationships. Caring about another person is why we are thoughtful about how we speak with one another. Today we’re going to hear from two listeners that have very different situations but share some common themes. I'm also pleased to welcome Rebecca West of Seriously Happy Homes to offer her insights on one of the listener questions.

Our questions this episode: how do you have a difficult conversation with someone who is lying? And how do you talk to someone who just pulls away?

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com. Your reviews, ratings, shares and subscriptions are welcome. Thanks for listening!

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Mori Taheripour Shares How to Bring Yourself to Negotiations

Tue, 14 Apr 2020 02:03:37 GMT

When we think of negotiators, we often think of people who are trying to find a bargain, job seekers, or people on the front lines of a hostage situation. Those things might be true some of the time, but there’s so much more to it than that. Life is a negotiation; and right now, it’s showing up in the form of negotiating new structures, working arrangements, and relationships in light of the coronavirus pandemic. We’re all negotiators.

Our question this episode: what are the benefits of bringing yourself – your true self – to a negotiation?

My conversation with Mori Taheripour focuses on her new book, "Bring Yourself: How to Harness the Power of Connection to Negotiate Fearlessly." We talk about the different traits of effective negotiators (it's not what you would assume), the role of empathy in successful negotiations (and relationships), and what to keep in mind when you're negotiating ideas with someone you disagree with (she feels hopeful we can find common ground).

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at HowCanISayThis.com. Your reviews, ratings, shares and subscribes are encouraged and appreciated! Thanks for listening!

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A Simple Mantra for a Complex Time

Thu, 02 Apr 2020 21:08:26 GMT

When we’re in close quarters with someone for a long time, even the strongest of relationships can be tested. In this episode, I offer you a simple mantra that can help you stay calm and compassionate while we shelter-in-place. #spaceandgrace

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information and downloadable mantra images at howcanisaythis.com. Your feedback, shares, reviews and ratings are welcome!

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Difficult Conversations with Kern Beare

Sat, 21 Mar 2020 01:50:48 GMT

It’s a phrase I’ve heard over and over these past few years: there’s no point in trying to talk to them. Them is always the person with whom we have strong disagreements, or it might represent an entire group of people we’ve decided are unreachable. But there is a point; it’s just not what you might think. Our question this episode: how can we get past our surface differences to find our common humanity?

My guest is Kern Beare, founder of The Difficult Conversations Project. More information at howcanisaythis.com.

Shares, ratings, and reviews are always welcome and appreciated. Thanks for listening!

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These 7 Words are Undermining Your Effectiveness

Sat, 22 Feb 2020 03:35:26 GMT

When we think of forming new habits, our minds go to the obvious – changing what we eat, how much we exercise, what time we go to bed or get up in the morning, deciding to meditate. Those are all good habits to pay attention to, and there’s one more to add that can change your life just as much. Our question this episode: which small word choices make a huge difference in the effectiveness of our communication?

You can find past episodes, find out how to leave a review, and learn more about the show at howcanisaythis.com. Thanks for listening!

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Humor: Helpful or Harmful?

Sun, 09 Feb 2020 01:24:07 GMT

There are many ways to evaluate the health of a social connection. We know to notice eye contact, body language, tone of voice and balance of listening and talking. But what about laughter? We intuitively know that when we laugh together, there’s a high probability we like one another or have something in common. It can also signal discomfort, a power indifference, or low self-esteem. Our question this episode: what are the ways laughter and humor advance or distract from our communication?

Part one of two.

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. Thanks for listening! To access past episodes, learn how to leave a review, or contact Beth, visit howcanisaythis.com.

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Overcoming Public Speaking Anxiety with Michelle Barry Franco

Fri, 31 Jan 2020 17:42:32 GMT

There’s a widely circulated saying that people fear public speaking more than death. That funny but misguided bit of trivia distracts us from the opportunity we have whenever we’re given the literal or metaphorical microphone and invited to share our thoughts.

Our question this episode: what strategies for overcoming public speaking anxiety can help us be better communicators?

If you don’t consider yourself a public speaker, I invite you to think again. I can’t remember who planted this idea in my head, but there’s truth to it: we are all public speakers, every day. Whenever we open our mouths to speak to someone, we are communicating publicly with the intention of being persuasive, giving or receiving information, or accomplishing a goal. You don’t have to be on a stage or behind a podium to carry yourself and your voice with authority. My guest today is Michelle Barry Franco, and she shares strategies that help you speaking from the stage with ease also apply to having more courageous everyday conversations.

Find more information, past episodes, and submit your communication question at howcanisaythis.com.

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Ep61: Words Create Worlds

Fri, 24 Jan 2020 04:55:28 GMT

"Almost all words do have color and nothing is more pleasant than to utter a pink word and see someone's eyes light up and know it is a pink word for him or her, too." ~Gladys Taber

Our words are paint strokes on the canvas of life – sounds cheesy, but it’s true. We create a certain picture with every word we choose, both in thinking and speaking. Our question this episode: what world are we creating with our words?

How Can I Say This… is a podcast focused on building connection and community through courageous conversations. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information and archives at howcanisaythis.com. Your reviews, ratings and shares are welcome and help this community grow!

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Ep60: Ending the Shame Game

Fri, 10 Jan 2020 21:31:20 GMT

You’ve messed up. You feel embarrassed, you know what you did was a mistake, and you own up to it. You say you’re sorry. And even though you acknowledge it, the other person still wants to chew you out. They want to make sure you know how badly you’ve screwed up. It feels terrible, and you shut down.

Our question this episode: what’s the harm with shaming the shameful?

This episode was inspired by a post I read over the break with the clickbait headline, "How Should I Tell People a Shameful Secret About My Dog?" The question itself was interesting, but it was the response the columnist gave that really got my hackles up. I’m not going to be talking specifically about the issue the post brought up, but more about the dynamics that played out on the page that we can all learn from.

Learn more about the podcast, listen to the archives, get info about leaving a review, and submit your listener question at www.howcanisaythis.com. Thanks for listening!

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Ep59: Working with Disrespectful Colleagues (Listener Question)

Sat, 21 Dec 2019 23:16:26 GMT

Being successful in our professional lives depends on lots of people agreeing on certain principles. Show up on time. Follow through. Take your responsibilities seriously. Respect your boss and your colleagues. But what do you do if those shared expectations are violated? Our question this episode: How do you behave when your direct report behaves disrespectfully and refuses to acknowledge that you found the behavior disrespectful?

This episode features a listener question about working with a disrespectful colleague. The ideas I offer certainly apply in a professional setting, but I hope they also might be useful in any relationship where it feels like respect and lack thereof is a problem. I also share a couple of must-listen podcast recommendations if you want to better understand your fellow humans.

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com. Ratings, reviews, and shares always welcome! Subscribe to always receive the latest episodes. Thanks for listening!

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Ep58: Making Your Private Beliefs Public

Sat, 07 Dec 2019 04:56:28 GMT

On February 20, 1954, Albert Einstein said the following during an address to the Chicago Decalogue Society: “…in long intervals I have expressed an opinion on public issues whenever they appeared to me so bad and unfortunate that silence would have made me feel guilty of complicity.” As a public figure with a particular reputation and credibility to maintain, Einstein had to weigh the pros and cons of making his private opinions public. Not everyone feels they have the luxury of making a choice, and you don’t have to be Einstein to know that sharing your positions and views can backfire in today’s especially volatile environment.

Our question this episode: how do we decide when to publicly speak out or stay silent about our personal views?

This question of, “should I be telling them this?” is important to leaders, business owners, teachers, lawyers, doctors, and other professionals who often are expected to have a certain neutrality when it comes to their public personas.

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com. Your ratings, reviews and shares are encouraged and welcome! Thanks!

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Ep57: Avoiding Conflict During Thanksgiving

Wed, 27 Nov 2019 17:11:53 GMT

It’s that time of year, when we look forward to food, drink, and time with people we care about. It’s also when we might dread time with people we care about, because that time is filled with talking, and that talking might go in directions that cause conflict. And no, I’m not talking about debating who will win the big game or which movie you want to watch. While Thanksgiving 2016 was probably the most stressful in recent memory for families and friends with differing political views, the Thanksgiving of 2019 is likely to be a close second.

Our question this episode: how can we come together when our views threaten to drive us apart?

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at www.howcanisaythis.com. Your reviews, ratings and shares are always appreciated!

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Ep56: Staying Civil on Social Media

Sat, 16 Nov 2019 16:19:57 GMT

Once upon a time, if we were upset or disagreed with a person, policy or decision, our thoughts on the matter rippled out maybe as far as our second- or third-degree connections, but not much further. Things moved fairly slowly, and we could generally trust our information sources. But now, almost everyone, with a single click on the word “post” or “tweet,” can share their thoughts with friends and strangers alike, and we can unknowingly spread misinformation or rumors that have the potential to harm others. And if we take the bait when others post provocative content, any possibility of civility goes out the window.

Our question this episode: what are some best practices to help us engage constructively with one another on social media, rather than destructively?

Hosted by Beth L Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com. Subscribe to stay updated on future episodes. Your shares, reviews and ratings help spread the word and bring more courageous conversations to the world!

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Ep55: De-Escalating Internal Anger

Fri, 08 Nov 2019 03:20:22 GMT

There are lots of mantras I live by, including "I’m open to outcome, not attached," and "I can handle whatever happens." I’ve recently adopted a new mantra based on some recent experiences – experiences that have found me angry and upset – and it’s such a good I have to share it. Our question this episode: what can we do when we’re so mad we can hardly see straight?

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at www.howcanisaythis.com. You can support this podcast through your ratings, reviews, shares, and subscription. Thanks for listening!

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Ep54: Anatomy of an Interaction

Sat, 26 Oct 2019 02:00:44 GMT

How many times have you been in a conversation and the other person says or does something unexpected or hostile, and you think to yourself – where did THAT come from!? In fact, you might have thought that very thing about yourself! We might think that frustration, anger, confusion, or other emotions that block productive conversations “come out of nowhere,” but the truth is that they always come from somewhere. Our question this episode: what influences our capacity for connection with others besides what we say and how we say it?

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at www.howcanisaythis.com

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Ep53: When It Gets Personal (Listener Question with guest Arden Clise)

Fri, 18 Oct 2019 00:47:35 GMT

If we hang around with someone long enough, there are little things that pop up that can distract us from heart of the relationship. It might be the way another person eats, dresses, or even folds the towels. And those might seem trivial – after all, differences or annoyances in those areas aren’t make-or-break issues. But they’re not so trivial when they become distractions that suck up our attention.

Our question this episode: how should we approach sensitive topics that have to do with someone’s personal habits?

This episode focuses on a listener question about giving feedback to someone about a personal quirk. When I read the question, I found myself stumped a bit, so I decided to call on my friend and colleague, Arden Clise. If you’re a regular listener, you might remember her from our conversation in episode 5, which serves as a good companion episode to this one.

Here's the listener question, submitted anonymously:

"How do I tell a member of my family about their eating habit, about eating with their mouth shut without hurting their feelings?"

Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at www.howcanisaythis.com.

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Ep52: Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable

Sat, 12 Oct 2019 01:27:16 GMT

When we hear someone make a statement that’s not true, or express a personal opinion that cuts us to the core, it’s easy to react by lashing out and attacking that person. It’s not so easy to offer a thoughtful reply that is both respectful and direct. Our question this episode: how can we take the high road while still calling someone out on their harmful actions? I highlight two recent videos - one from James Corden, the other from Annabel (aka @montanaranchwife) - that provide excellent examples of how to express disagreement without being disagreeable. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep51: Surviving Small Talk

Sat, 05 Oct 2019 00:40:54 GMT

Most people dread it. Some people avoid it at all costs. We’ll skip the networking events, duck behind a big display in the store, or avoid eye contact in a public place. What am I talking about? Small talk. It’s something we all have to do, but we almost universally despise. Our question this episode: what can we do to make small talk less painful and more productive?

The inspiration from this episode comes from a recent presentation I gave at the MIT Media Lab. I was talking about being an introvert in an extroverted environment, and part of my message was about the value of small talk. And while I’ve made mention of that topic in previous talks and writing, the inclusion of it in my presentation was also inspired by a Sept 17 New York Times article titled, “The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat.” Since small talk is a huge part of the interpersonal communication we all engage in every day, I thought it was worth sharing a few thoughts on the topic here. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep50: Drama Queens (Listener Question)

Sat, 21 Sep 2019 02:40:10 GMT

A listener asks: How do you deal with a drama queen when they are a close friend? How do you know it is someone being a drama queen and not you being sensitive? Those are our questions in this 50th episode of How Can I Say This.... Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep49: Expressing Feelings at Work with Melanie Katzman

Fri, 13 Sep 2019 03:17:02 GMT

There are lots of “F” words that we’re supposed to avoid in the workplace. Fear. Failure. Flirting. Fighting. And of course, the word to end all “F” words, which I won’t say because I like to avoid an explicit rating! But there’s another F word, and this one we avoid at our peril: Feelings. Our question this episode: how can we talk about our feelings at work?

My guest today is Melanie Katzman, PhD, author of the forthcoming book, "Connect First: 52 Simple Ways to Ignite Success, Meaning, and Joy at Work" (McGraw-Hill, Oct 22, 2019). Melanie offers us some quick and easy ways to create more connection in the workplace by embracing our feelings and emotions, rather than avoiding them. We also discuss the art of asking for and receiving an apology, and strategies for moving forward with a vision or project when your colleagues aren’t on the same wavelength. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep48: Two Lessons from The Art of Gathering

Fri, 30 Aug 2019 23:50:40 GMT

How many meetings or events have you attended this past week? Maybe you’ve invited people over for dinner, been to a birthday party, or you’ve gotten together in a favorite park for a hike. Chances are you’ve been in at least one work, client, or school meeting. Perhaps you’ve attended a conference, seminar, training, networking event, city council meeting, church gathering, book group, or Rotary luncheon. And how often have you left those gatherings feeling like it was time well-spent, that something was accomplished? Too often we come together with what we think is clear intention. But in reality, it’s murky at best, and a huge missed opportunity at worst. Our question this episode: how can we make sure our gatherings aren’t a complete waste of time?

Good conversations go hand-in-hand with good gatherings. In this episode, I share two lessons learned from my new favorite book, “The Art of Gathering," by Priya Parker, and use some of my own recent experiences as examples of gatherings gone right and wrong. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep47: Cultivating Conversational Intelligence with Michael O'Brien

Fri, 23 Aug 2019 00:49:18 GMT

Sometimes our journey towards greater self-awareness seems slow and ponderous. And other times, life decides to hit the fast-forward button and give us a can’t-miss catalyst for profound change. No matter which happens to you, both involve conversations. Conversations we have with ourselves, and those we have with others. And the quality of those conversations shapes our life satisfaction.

Our question this episode: how can we boost our conversational intelligence, from the inside out?

Today we’re going to hear from Michael O'Brien, who experienced that can’t-miss catalyst for change in a way that I hope none of you listening ever have to live through. In the first part of our conversation, we focus on the destructive self-talk that he learned how to move through. Then we shift a bit to discuss the basics of Conversational Intelligence, which increases our capacity to build trust and connection with others. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep46: Cross-Cultural Communication with Susan Shirley

Sat, 17 Aug 2019 01:32:22 GMT

When we think of traveling outside our native country, we usually consider the obvious differences we’ll experience: language, food, clothing, architecture. But there’s another layer of difference that’s more subtle and can dramatically affect how well we navigate our new environment.

Our question this episode: what’s important to consider when communicating with others in a culture different from your own?

Today’s guest caught my eye on LinkedIn with a post about cultural sensitivity when working in countries other than your own. I realized after our conversation that even within our own country, we can feel out of step with others when we go to a different region. This conversation will help you whether you're traveling abroad or just across state lines. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep45: Poetry to Grieve By

Sat, 10 Aug 2019 00:57:34 GMT

Today is Friday, August 9, 2019, and it’s been a rough week. I’ve found that I haven’t had much to say. The news and its tragedies have overwhelmed me, as they have the world. For a podcast about how to say it, whatever “it” is, I’m finding myself at a loss. I’m not even sure I have a key question for this episode, except wondering what we can do when words fail us.

This is a rather short episode, because I’m still feeling in shock from the mass shootings that happened in El Paso, Texas and Dayton, OH on August 3rd and 4th. When I can't find words, I turn to the words of others. Two poems by Naomi Shihab Nye and Lucille Clifton have provided me solace and centeredness, and in sharing them here, I hope they have the same affect on you. Hosted by Beth L Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep44: Generational and Gender Communication Differences with Lee Caraher

Fri, 02 Aug 2019 03:05:04 GMT

When I tell you I’m "going to get back to you by the end of the day," what does that mean to you? And what about how you interpret “get back to you?” You might be surprised to hear that what those phrases mean to you depends on your age. And how you respond to a compliment depends on your gender, in addition to context.

Our question this episode: how can we best communicate across generational and gender differences?

This episode’s topic brings me back to a listener question from episode 6 about how to communicate with someone who is in a different generation. I’ll include a link to that on the webpage for this episode, because it’s a great companion piece for the conversation today with Lee Caraher. This topic feels personally relevant, as my husband and I are from two different generations; he’s a Boomer, and I’m a Gen Xer. We’re 10 years apart in age, and usually the difference is most apparent when it comes to cultural references, especially music. It’s made me realize how much music comes to define a generation. It’s a mood and memory catalyst, which further cements it in our psyches and almost becomes part of our identity. And this chat with Lee brought to the surface even more places where generational differences come into play, particularly as the age gap between you and another person gets wider. She offers valuable tips on how to clear up any confusion, as well as how communication has changed in the #MeToo era. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep43: Deep Listening with Oscar Trimboli

Fri, 26 Jul 2019 01:02:19 GMT

We spend 55% of our time in an average day listening; but what are we really doing? Are we attentive? Fully present? Passive? Distracted? Waiting until the other person stops talking so we can talk? Our questions this episode: what does it mean to really listen, and how can we become better at it?

While this podcast is often focused on the words we say, it’s equally important to focus on the way we hear the words of others. My guest today is coach, author, fellow podcaster and deep listening evangelist Oscar Trimboli. In this episode, we look at what gets in our way of being good listeners, as well as the antidotes to those challenges. There are so many parts of this conversation that have practical applications, and I’m guessing that even if you feel like you’re a good listener, you’ll hear something of yourself in Oscar’s description of the four types of listening gremlins. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep42: Flipping Failure with Sarah McVanel Part 2

Thu, 18 Jul 2019 17:47:42 GMT

Failure. It’s something we avoid as adults, equating it with incompetence, lack of effort or resources, bad ideas, faulty execution, and a sign that we’re on the wrong track. But as little kids, we accepted it. Whether we were conscious of it or not, we knew that we were going to mess up on our way to learning something new. Our question this episode: what would it mean if we could normalize failure and talk more openly about it?

This episode is part two of my conversation with Sarah McVanel, who is going to share with us insights she gained as she wrote her latest book, "Flip Side of Failing." You don’t have to have heard episode 41 to get value out of this conversation, but I highly recommend you take the time to listen when you have a chance. We talked about how to recalibrate our relationship to failure, starting with the self-talk and stories we engage in. Today we’re looking at how we relate to failure externally, including how to have a difficult feedback conversation with someone who’s on the brink of failure. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow. More information at howcanisaythis.com.

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Ep41: Flipping Failure with Sarah McVanel (Part 1)

Fri, 12 Jul 2019 01:56:05 GMT

There are things we say we’re okay with, but when the rubber meets the road, we balk. Failure is one such thing. Our society often hands us contradictory messages that failure isn’t an option, while saying it’s important we learn from our mistakes. Yes, context is everything. We don’t want a surgeon operating on us to decide failure is an option they can take. But most of us hold ourselves to a surgeon’s standards, saying we’re okay with failure but then feeling like the world is ending when it actually happens. Our question this episode: how can we re-calibrate our relationship to failure so that it’s productive, not destructive?

My guest today is Sarah McVanel, who is going to share with us insights she gained as she wrote her latest book, "The Flip Side of Failing." Hosted by Beth L. Buelow. More info at howcanisaythis.com.

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Ep40: Freedom of Speech Reflections

Fri, 05 Jul 2019 00:28:00 GMT

Family picnics, sparklers, and watermelon seed spitting contests. These are all part of the fourth of July fun here in the United States. While it’s an opportunity to say that funnel cake has no calories because it’s a holiday, it’s also a chance to celebrate the ideals that our country was founded on, especially the first amendment. Our question this episode: what does it mean to exercise our right to free speech effectively and responsibly?

In this episode, I offer some brief reflections on the first amendment, specifically about free speech, as a way to acknowledge the observance of Independence Day here in the US. And of course, because the US isn’t the only country to enjoy free speech, I hope at least pieces of what I have to say apply to listeners in the 49 other countries that are part of the How Can I Say This… community. I’m going to offer a bit of historical and legal context for the first amendment, but being that I’m neither a historian nor a lawyer, and I’m not prepared to dive into the highly complex topic of what freedom of speech means from a legalistic standpoint, I’m going to quickly pivot to more practical, everyday applications that inform how we express ourselves and communicate with one another. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep39: Is It Empathy or Hijacking?

Fri, 21 Jun 2019 20:16:29 GMT

One of the ways we form connections with one another is by noticing where our experiences overlap. It’s a wonderful moment when that noticing leads to empathy and intimacy. But just like anything wonderful, there’s a flip side. Our question this episode: when does saying, “I know how you feel” shift from empathy to hijacking?

A recent coaching session inspired me to share a few words on today’s topic of empathy versus hijacking. When it came up in the session, it reinforced something that I learned early in my coach training: clients will come to you with the same challenges you as a coach have dealt with, either in the past or present. It creates a special sort of tension in the coach’s mind; as much as we know that what the client is going through isn’t about us and that sharing our experience might just muddy the waters, we’re human. We will feel an impulse to say, “oh my gosh, I’ve had that happen to me, too” or “I know exactly how you feel.” But we’re trained to check that impulse, and most of the time, it’s the right thing to do. It was just this week, however, when I put two and two together and fully realized that it’s not just coaches or other professionals who listen for a living that would benefit from some self-management strategies. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep38: Brave Interfaith Conversations in the Workplace with Zahabia Ahmed-Usmani and Kyle Kooyers

Thu, 13 Jun 2019 21:51:38 GMT

Religion ranks right up there with politics, sex and money as a subject that is mostly off-limits in the workplace. Whether it’s obviously part of someone’s identity or completely invisible to others, our spiritual beliefs inform everything from what we wear or eat, what holidays we do or don’t celebrate, what we name our children, and how we live our lives in general. With it being so pervasive, it’s not reasonable to try to ignore it because we’re uncomfortable with the topic. Our question this episode: how can we bring deeper understanding and respect for a wide range of faith-based beliefs and practices in our workplaces?

My guests today are Zahabia Ahmed-Usmani and Kyle Kooyers of the Kaufman Interfaith Institute, and we’re going to talk about how to create a culture that is interfaith friendly and how to gracefully handle oops and ouch moments when we talk about faith. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow. More information at howcanisaythis.com.

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Ep37: Ethics, Criticism and Rivals with Yonason Goldson

Fri, 07 Jun 2019 02:48:59 GMT

When we think of how we communicate on a personal level, we don’t naturally think of it in terms of ethics and responsibility. But there’s an ethical component to our relationships that is important to acknowledge and discuss. This is especially true when it comes to conversations that happen in groups or that impact large numbers of people, like they do in our neighborhoods, work, schools, places of worship, and government. Our question this episode: what can ethics teach us about effective communication?

My guest today is Yonason Goldson, who will give us some insights on how ethics can inform how we communicate with others, and what our experiences in professional settings can tell us about how to have better conversations about sticky topics – such as politics – in personal settings.

Immediately after our conversation, I’m going to turn to a listener question from Jessica, who wants to know how to communicate better to her fast-moving boss.

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Ep36: Introverts and Extroverts in Conversation

Fri, 31 May 2019 20:24:12 GMT

There are lots of reasons why we get our wires crossed when communicating with others. Some of it might have to do with our mood, our assumptions, our past experiences, the nature of the relationship between us and the person we’re talking to, and even bigger picture reasons such as race, gender, religion and other identities that inform how we relate to one another. One trait that falls on the spectrum of communication obstacles is whether someone is coming from an introvert or extrovert perspective. Our question this episode: how do we honor our own introvert or extrovert style while being accommodating to others?

In this episode, we’re going to look at how a particular energetic trait- whether you’re an introvert or extrovert – influences how we communicate. This is fresh on my mind, since I gave a keynote presentation in Chicago a week and a half ago on the topic. It was also the focus of my work from 2010-2018, so much so that I wrote a book related to the subject called The Introvert Entrepreneur, a little of which I’ll share in this episode. While I’ve expanded my business focus, I still care about spreading the word about how introverts can live more fully in alignment with their strengths and their natural energy. Since that’s not a topic that’s come up specifically in this podcast, it felt like a great time to give it its own episode. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com and theintrovertentrepreneur.com

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Ep35: Empathy in Action in Difficult Conversations

Fri, 10 May 2019 02:49:38 GMT

When it comes to difficult conversations, we’re often focused on what divides us. We are acutely aware of the ways in which we are different from one another. After all, that’s probably what makes the conversation difficult! But if we’re able to balance that difference with commonalities, we’ll have a better chance at easing the conflict. Our question this episode: how does empathy help move us towards a deeper understanding of one another?

This is a continuing exploration of the 4 Keys to More Civil Conversations. Last week, we looked at humility. This week, we’re going to take a closer look at empathy: what it means, if we can cultivate it, and the role it plays in difficult conversations. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com. Please consider subscribing, and know that your shares, reviews, and comments are appreciated!

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Ep34: Humility, Ego, and Civil Conversations

Sat, 04 May 2019 01:10:36 GMT

If we’ve spent a lot of time thinking about our values and beliefs and how those apply to social and cultural issues, then we can become very attached to thinking that we’re right, they’re wrong, and that’s that. But remember: everyone feels that way, and the person you think is wrong thinks they’re right, and you’re wrong, and that’s that. We’re left with an impenetrable wall between us that only becomes taller as we dig in our heels. But there is another way. Our question this episode: what role does humility play in challenging conversations? Hosted by Beth L Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep33: How to Talk with Kids About Tough Topics with Dakota Duncan

Fri, 26 Apr 2019 00:49:46 GMT

When a challenge is big, scary, or complex, sometimes it feels easiest to bury our heads in the sand and hope that someone else figures it all out. That might work with some things, but it doesn’t work with the stuff that affects us all, like climate change. We have to find a way to talk about it. And that urgency is compounded when we have kids. Our question this episode: how do we talk with kids about a complex, emotional topic such as climate change?

My guest today is Dakota Duncan, who will give us some advice on having a potentially difficult conversation with children about the environment and climate change. That might seem like a narrow focus, but in reality, you’ll find her insights useful for a range of difficult conversations with adults and children like. Hosted by Beth L Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep32: How to Ask Better Questions (Part 2)

Thu, 18 Apr 2019 15:23:08 GMT

Throughout our education, we’re often so focused on being able to answer questions, we forget to pay attention to how skilled we are at asking them. But our ability to get good information from someone is directly connected to our ability to ask good questions. Our question this episode: what can we do to make our questions more productive and effective?

In this episode, I continue an exploration of the art and science of asking good questions. It’s something we do every day – at least, I hope we’re asking questions every day! – but we don’t often think about how effective our questions are in moving us forward with our goals, whether that’s finding out your partner’s thoughts about taking a summer vacation to persuading a colleague to support your idea at work. Hosted by Beth L Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep31: How to Ask Better Questions (Part 1)

Fri, 12 Apr 2019 01:10:19 GMT

It’s something that can drive new parents insane, but it’s essential to our development as social creatures: asking questions. As children, we ask questions incessantly as a way to understand the world around us. As we mature, our questions become more nuanced and complex, and our motives are less obvious. Or we hesitate to ask questions for fear of sounding dumb or because we don’t want to challenge someone. We’re encouraged to be curious, but we’re seldom told that curiosity is a skill that we can improve. Our question this episode: How can we ask better questions to get better results?

In this episode, I explore a fundamental element of good conversations, and especially productive conflict: questions. There’s both art and science to crafting questions that help us to influence, connect, and learn from one another. Hosted by Beth L Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep30: What To Do When You're Triggered

Sat, 06 Apr 2019 02:08:23 GMT

You know when it’s happening: your breathing might become more shallow. Your mind starts racing. You feel like there’s a brick in the pit of your stomach. You might even feel a sense of déjà vu. You’re so irritated, you can’t even hear what the other person is saying. Our question this episode: what can we do when someone’s behavior is triggering us?

In this episode, I will offer some thoughts on a relatively new awareness I experienced this past week. It left me in a “how can I say this…” place, and even wondering if I should say anything at all. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep29: Getting Past Fine with Matt Crevin

Fri, 29 Mar 2019 00:17:01 GMT

It’s an answer we’ve all given and received multiple times in our lives: “I’m fine.” It could be a polite way to respond to a stranger’s “how are you?” or it might be your partner, colleague, or offspring giving you what feels like the cold shoulder. But if we really care about someone, we care about the real answer, the one underneath the surface. Our question this episode: what can we do to get past “I’m fine”?

We’re joined in this episode by Matt Crevin, who will share tips for parents talking to teenagers and the importance of teenagers talking to one another. His tips, by the way, apply to communication in any relationship where there’s an imbalance of power or conflicting agendas. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep28: Self-Awareness and Authority with Caryn Lee

Fri, 22 Mar 2019 18:54:59 GMT

"There are three things extremely hard: Steel, a Diamond, and to know one's self." With those words from the 1750 edition of Poor Richard’s Almanac, Benjamin Franklin shared a maxim that has been around since the ancient Greeks: know thyself. Long before Franklin, Socrates gave us the oft-quoted saying “The unexamined life is not worth living.” In addition to giving life meaning, examining our lives and knowing ourselves helps us to be in relationship with other people. When we know who we are, we can be better communicators. Our question this episode: how do our personality and preferences influence our communication with others?

I’m pleased to be welcoming Narrative founder Caryn Lee to the show to talk about how deepening our self-awareness can support us in figuring out how to best communicate with others, especially in sticky situations. We also respond to a listener question about asserting one’s authority in the face of resistance. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep27: The Fragile Bully as Narcissist with Laurie Helgoe

Thu, 14 Mar 2019 16:19:22 GMT

When a word or phrase rises to prominence in the collective conversation, there’s a danger of it becoming diluted or distorted so much that it strays from its original meaning. That’s happening now with the word “narcissist.” Everyone from the arrogant boss to the selfie-loving teenager becomes a narcissist. The truth is, we all have a touch of narcissist in us, but not everyone deserves that label. Our questions this episode: what’s the true definition, and how do we interact with people who sit at different places on the spectrum?

I’m pleased to be welcoming Dr. Laurie Helgoe back to the podcast for a continuation of our episode 2 conversation about narcissists and bullies. In this episode, we dive a bit deeper into the nuances of narcissistic traits, including how to take care of yourself when talking with a narcissist and how narcissism shows up individually and collectively. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep26: Your Questions: Resolving Conflict Within Community with Judy Hissong

Fri, 08 Mar 2019 02:10:42 GMT

It’s the rare environment when we’re completely alone with no one else to consider. Whether it’s home, work, school, or social situations, our choices and actions have a ripple effect, even if we aren’t aware of it. Sometimes it’s easy to fit in and our impact is minimal. Other times, our behavior isn’t just a ripple, it’s a tsunami, and that’s when a challenging conversation might be in our future. Our question this episode: how do we diffuse conflict while staying in community with one another?

We have a terrific listener question to respond to, and my guest, Judy Hissong, is the first person who came to mind as being ideally suited to offer her perspective. I'll preface this by saying that while the context of the listener question is sports, what she asks applies in almost any environment where people are expected to respect one another, be accommodating, and collaborate. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More info at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep25: Communication Lessons from the Animal Kingdom

Fri, 01 Mar 2019 21:24:12 GMT

I’m all for consulting the experts to learn more about how to be more present, more mindful, more anything that I want to be in my life. They have research and strategies that contribute to making us healthy, wealthy, and wise human beings. But sometimes it helps to absorb lessons from experts that don’t have a single book, podcast, blog, or Facebook page to their name. Our question this episode: what do our pets have to teach us about being better communicators?

This episode is a reflection on the communication and relationship lessons we can glean from our four-legged family members. While I’m using animals to illustrate my points, my goal is to take that information and translate it into tips on how to have better communication with our fellow human beings. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. Learn more at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep24: Talking to Your Doctor with Tami Stackelhouse

Thu, 21 Feb 2019 19:38:23 GMT

When it comes to challenging communication situations, few match the difficulty of talking to highly trained professionals who have expertise we don’t have. This is especially true when we’re seen by doctors. We’re in a vulnerable position, and it’s not always easy to assert ourselves and make our concerns fully understood. Our question this episode: how can we set ourselves up for successful interactions when there’s an imbalance of power?

This episode topic is inspired by a recent experience I had going to the doctor. Over the course of two days, I saw three different doctors about a problem I was having with my leg. While they were all pleasant to deal with and well-meaning, they also talked really fast, seemed to focus on one part of my story without hearing the whole thing, and scared me a bit with words like “surgery.” I felt a bit frustrated because I wished I’d had the wherewithal to ask them to slow down their explanations and ask more questions. It occurred to me that I can’t be alone in feeling this way, so I decided to seek out someone who could give us some tips on advocating for ourselves in those very stressful situations. Even though our focus is on talking with your doctor, the information applies to almost any conversation with someone with expertise, which could be a lawyer, accountant or financial advisor, veterinarian, or others with authority and specialized knowledge. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep23: Complainers and Energy Drainers with Linda Swindling

Thu, 14 Feb 2019 14:32:48 GMT

There’s at least one in every office, family, or group: the person who says things like, “Why do we have to do this?” “This is too complicated!” “No one ever helps me.” They seem to be focused on whatever is wrong about a situation but rarely offer up any solutions. And they seem get suck the energy out of the room in the process. Our question this episode: how do we best communicate with the complainers and energy drainers in our lives?

This episode features a conversation with author and negotiation expert Linda Swindling. Together, we dig into the different types of complainers that you might encounter at work or at home, looking at what motivates them and how we can use that information to improve our relationships with them. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep22: Money: Make the Case, Make the Ask with Grace Judson

Thu, 07 Feb 2019 16:24:11 GMT

When I was in grad school for arts administration, we learned a basic fact in our fundraising course that I’ve never forgotten: the number one reason people don’t give money to charity is because they aren’t asked. That goes not only for donations, but for raises, for project funds, or any other situation where direct ask has to happen in order for money to change hands. Our question this episode: how do we frame a request for money so that we increase our chances of success?

I’m pleased to welcome Grace Judson back to the show for a conversation about something many of us get tied up in knots about: asking for money. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information and resources at HowCanISayThis.com

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Responding When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Fri, 01 Feb 2019 02:17:20 GMT

The phone rings. It’s your friend who says, “I have cancer.” An email pops into your inbox. The subject line? “Bad news.” Your Facebook feed consistently shares stories of pets who have crossed the rainbow bridge, people who unexpectedly lose their jobs, or parents, spouses, or siblings who are having a rough time.

Our question this episode: how do you respond to hard situations when you don’t know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing?

Hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC. More information and episodes available at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep20: Parker J. Palmer on Connection and Community

Thu, 24 Jan 2019 02:40:55 GMT

How we talk to one another is directly connected to how we feel about ourselves: our self-worth, our willingness to be open and vulnerable, and our self-compassion. We can show up more fully for others when we show up fully to ourselves. But unhealthy ego, fear of humiliation, and isolation can stop us in our tracks. The antidote is community and connection. Our question this episode: how can we hold conflict creatively in order to build stronger relationships?

You’re in for a super big treat today in the form of a wide-ranging discussion with writer, speaker, and activist Parker J. Palmer. Podcast hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com.

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Using the Ladder of Inference to Reframe Conflict

Wed, 16 Jan 2019 03:01:02 GMT

We’ve all heard the phrase “jumping to conclusions,” but have we really stopped to think about how that jumping happens? It’s a phenomenon that we’ve all experienced: We see something, our brains quickly search for evidence that supports or refutes what we see, and we draw a conclusion. All of this happens in a split second, without even being conscious of it. The end result is often an assumption, which can lead to misunderstandings, communication breakdowns, or worse. Our question this episode: how can understanding our thought processes help us manage conflict? We look at the Ladder of Inference as a tool to shed light on how we move from reality to beliefs to action. Hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com.

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Your Questions: When Someone is Gaslighting You

Wed, 02 Jan 2019 03:41:19 GMT

We all know people who exaggerate, or take liberty with the facts or know how to bluff their way through a topic they know nothing about. There are times when we might even be that person! After all, our memory isn’t perfect, and we do the best we can to remember things as they happened. But there are some people who don’t have that same desire for truth. They create their own truth, and they’re set on convincing you that you’re the one who’s wrong. There’s a term for it: gaslighting. Our question this episode: what do we do when someone is clearly and repeatedly lying to us?

This episode looks at the challenge of handling a situation where the truth is being manipulated. I also offer you a New Year’s invitation designed to stretch your communication capacity in 2019. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information and resource links at howcanisaythis.com

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Your Questions: How to Rein in a Disruptive Colleague

Wed, 19 Dec 2018 03:09:08 GMT

It doesn’t matter what kind of group it is. It could be members of a family, office, church, book group, or knitting circle. All of us have at one point experienced the person who sucks the oxygen out of the room by taking over the conversation and basically holding court. Our question this episode: how can we break the spell of the dominant talker without causing conflict?

This is the question submitted through the online form by Suky, who wrote:

I would consider myself an introvert, especially around colleagues who are not. Currently I work with a colleague who I find is over powering, takes over any conversation, discussion or debate. She always wants to know who I’m talking to and why, and she really worries that she will miss out on something. This leaves me feeling I have no voice - when she is there, and we share the same office - I find myself fading in the background. As an example, somebody will walk into the office to ask me a question, and she will actually take over the conversation either by interrupting or jumping in and taking over. There are times I get so frustrated that I end up walking out of the office. How can I address this without causing conflict?

Hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep16: Busyness and Negative Framing

Wed, 05 Dec 2018 21:58:51 GMT

We all know that the words we choose to describe situations and experiences tell a story about how we see the world. Are you a partly cloudy or partly sunny type of person? Is the glass half-empty, or half-full? Are you "so busy" or "keeping busy"? The words we use might shift depending on our mood, but most of us have a leaning towards either optimism or pessimism. While I don’t want to say one is better than the other, I’m going to say it anyway: healthy optimism, combined with a dose of healthy pessimism – or one might call that realism – is worth trying to cultivate and sustain. Our questions this episode: what are some ways that we put a negative spin on things, and how does that hold us back?

This episode highlights two language habits - automatic "I'm so busy" responses and negative framing - that can undermine our success.

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Charlotte Parsons, Modeling Healthy Conflict for Kids

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 04:36:10 GMT

Many years ago, I was chatting with a work colleague when she brought up that she and her husband were separating. The relationship had several challenges, but guess what was an ah-ha moment for her about the root of their problems? Neither of them knew how to argue. Growing up, they rarely, if ever, saw their parents in conflict, so they thought conflict was to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, the cost was their marriage. How can we learn to model healthy conflict for the benefit of our family relationships?

In this episode, we’re going to explore how adults can normalize conflict for one another and their kids. Even if you’re like me and don’t have children, what my guest shares is applicable to the work place, since there are similar authority/subordinate hierarchies at play, just as there are in the home.

I’m joined in this episode by mediator Charlotte Parsons. Charlotte is a parenting coordinator, parent educator, an empty-nest mom and wife of 29 years in Columbus, OH. Like many mediators, she comes from a variety of backgrounds with previous careers in journalism, healthcare and parent education, with degrees from The University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill.

Hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC. More information at howcanisaythis.com

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Barbara McAfee, Using Your Full Voice

Thu, 15 Nov 2018 02:40:03 GMT

Watch your tone… it’s advice we’ve all received at some point, most likely when we were children and saying, “I don’t want to” to a parent, or “give it back,” to a sibling. As adults we still have to watch our tone, as how we say something is as important as what we say. Tone takes on new meaning, not just the attitude, but the pitch and timbre. How can we be powerful communicators by using our words and our tone?

How you convey your message is just as important as the message itself. Voice Coach Barbara McAfee teaches us how to powerfully express ourselves using our full voice. Barbara McAfee is a voice coach, singer/songwriter, keynote speaker, and author who merges lessons from 12 years in organization development with the transformational power of sound. Her book, Full Voice: The Art & Practice of Vocal Presence, is based on her 25+ years as a voice coach, supporting people from many professions in learning how to access the full power and expression of the voice in service to their work and relationships.

Hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC. More resources and information at howcanisaythis.com

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Kwame Christian, Compassionate Curiosity

Wed, 07 Nov 2018 04:23:12 GMT

There are times when we feel stuck in our communications, that no matter what we say or how we plead our case, we make zero headway with the other person. We’re so fixated on what we need and want, we forget to consider the other person and their needs and wants. What are some ways we can turn that around and create a situation where everyone gets what they need?

This episode features my lively conversation with guest Kwame Christian, who offers us some awesome insights on how to connect on a meaningful level with someone – even a 2-year old! – and have a persuasive conversation.

Kwame Christian is Director of the American Negotiation Institute, where he puts on workshops designed to make difficult conversations easier. As an attorney and mediator with a bachelors of arts in Psychology, a Master of Public Policy, and a law degree, Kwame brings a unique multidisciplinary approach to the topic of conflict management and negotiation.

He’s the author of Nobody Will Play With Me and his TEDx Talk, Finding Confidence in Conflict, was the most popular TED Talk on the topic of conflict of 2017. He also hosts the top negotiation podcast in the world, Negotiate Anything. He’s also been a repeat guest on my other podcast, The Introvert Entrepreneur; links to those shows can be found on the page for this episode at howcanisaythis.com.

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Your Questions: How to Stop Rambling

Wed, 31 Oct 2018 00:47:36 GMT

When I get nervous, I can talk… and talk and talk and talk. It’s really embarrassing sometimes, and I don’t know how to stop myself once I get going. I’m sure the other person is bored to tears or wishing I’d just shut up already. But I can’t help it. Or can I? Is it possible to gracefully stop our rambling and get the conversation back on track?

In this episode, I respond to a listener question about what to do when you find yourself talking too much, as well as start an exploration of what really gets in our way when we’re having difficulty being in conversation with someone we disagree with. I also share an insight from Alan Alda about the importance of empathy in conversation. Hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC. More information at www.howcanisaythis.com

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Derek Pratt, Tips for Neighbor Conflicts

Tue, 23 Oct 2018 19:02:39 GMT

It doesn’t matter if they’re down the hall or across the street: being in community with other people can be hard work. We’ve probably all experienced a noisy neighbor or inconsiderate coworker who doesn’t seem to be aware of how their actions affect others. How do we address those problems with the people we live and work with in a way that doesn’t make things worse? My guest is Derek Pratt, founder of 4ward With Progress Inc. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information at www.howcanisaythis.com.

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Your Questions: Negative People, Protecting Colleagues

Wed, 17 Oct 2018 03:04:18 GMT

There are times in most relationships when we’re faced with one of two situations: we feel a need to protect ourselves, or we feel a need to protect someone else. Every once in a while, especially when it comes to giving feedback, those two things can happen at the same time! How can we act in a way that establishes boundaries while still being kind? In this episode, we take a look at two listener questions: dealing with negative people and sharing difficult feedback with a colleague who’s having personal issues. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information and resources at howcanisaythis.com.

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Your Questions: Creating Closure from a Distance

Tue, 09 Oct 2018 22:01:51 GMT

In an ideal world, relationships that end would do so clearly and with no loose ends. Each person would walk away feeling like they’d tied a nice neat bow on the matter. But we don’t live in an ideal world, and endings can be messy and feel incomplete. What do we do when we are left with lots of loose ends and no one to help us tie them up?

In this episode, we’re going to do a deep dive into a listener question about how to find relationship closure alone when it’s not possible to do it together. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. Learn more, submit your questions, and subscribe at howcanisaythis.com

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Ep008: Veronica Cravener, Determining Your Interests and Wants

Wed, 03 Oct 2018 02:21:41 GMT

We’ve all found ourselves in arguments where we reach a stalemate. Neither person seems willing to budge on what they need, and frustration builds instead of goes away. After all, what I want is what I want! Isn’t that what I’m arguing for? Well, it turns out there’s more at stake than what we think. And one way to get past the frustration is to find out what that is. What are some ways we can get at what really matters in a disagreement? In this episode, I’m joined by mediator Veronica Cravener, who provides insights about what gets in our way in difficult conversations and how we can best share our needs, wants and interests with others. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. Learn more at howcanisaythis.com

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Grace Judson, Empathy in Conversations

Tue, 25 Sep 2018 18:15:19 GMT

There’s a time and place for everything, and that includes emotion and intimacy. Most of the time it’s clear when we can show emotion and wear our heart on our sleeve. But sometimes, especially in professional environments, it can be more challenging to know how to respond when a clear need for empathy presents itself. We want to connect as human beings while still respecting boundaries. What’s a healthy way to walk that line with people we care about? Leadership Coach Grace Judson joins to me to discuss this and more. Hosted by Beth L. Buelow, PCC. More information and resources at www.howcanisaythis.com

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Your Questions: Friendship Challenges, Generational Differences

Tue, 18 Sep 2018 17:39:49 GMT

How can we offer our perspective in a thoughtful way that doesn’t put someone on the defensive? In this episode, we’ll be looking at some listener questions about telling it like it is to someone you care about, intergenerational conversations, and lopsided friendships. Submit your question and find more information about this podcast can be found at howcanisaythis.com. Hosted by Beth Buelow, PCC.

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Arden Clise, Tricky Feedback, Establishing Boundaries (Ep005)

Tue, 11 Sep 2018 13:42:20 GMT

I welcome etiquette consultant Arden Clise to the show, and together we respond to listener questions on giving and receiving sensitive feedback, as well as how to establish boundaries when you value your privacy.

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Cinnie Noble, Navigating Conflict and Passive-Aggressiveness

Tue, 04 Sep 2018 13:00:49 GMT

Conflict coach Cinnie Noble joins me in conversation about what constitutes healthy and unhealthy conflict. We also offer some perspectives to a listener that's dealing with passive-aggressive behavior.

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Your Questions: TMI, Unsolicited Help, Releasing a Client

Tue, 04 Sep 2018 12:00:05 GMT

This episode features listener questions about how to gracefully exit a client relationship, tell someone their help isn’t needed, and extract yourself from a TMI conversation.

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Laurie Helgoe, How to Handle Bullies and Narcissists

Tue, 04 Sep 2018 11:00:56 GMT

Psychologist and author Laurie Helgoe joins me to talk about dealing with bullies and narcissistic types. We also respond to listener questions about someone who won't take "no" for an answer and how to connect with others as an introvert.

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Bridging Political Divides with Kern Beare

Tue, 04 Sep 2018 10:00:49 GMT

In this debut episode, we jump right into the fray with a conversation about how to bridge the political divide when you're talking with someone who thinks very differently than you do. My guest is Kern Beare, founder of Pop the Bubble, an initiative born in the wake of the 2016 election. After taking a cross-country “conversation road trip” with his son Will to better understand the source of our divide, Kern created a workshop called “Difficult Conversations: The art and science of thinking (and living) together.” He’s been traveling the country leading the workshop since October of 2017.

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