Genuinely You

Why Worry?

Mon, 11 May 2020 00:00:00 GMT

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Gina introduces herself and her work with her coaching clients and her beliefs around helping people, and how learning to walk twice as an adult whilst also running an award-winning school has informed her approach to living a life that is thriving and not just surviving.

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What is Wisdom?

Mon, 04 May 2020 00:00:00 GMT

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How to Cure The Epidemic of Learned Helpnessness

Mon, 27 Apr 2020 00:00:00 GMT

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Dealing With Abuse

Mon, 20 Apr 2020 00:00:00 GMT

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Is Silence Golden?

Fri, 10 Apr 2020 00:00:00 GMT

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Courage Interview with Sandra Walston

Mon, 24 Feb 2020 01:00:00 GMT

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Genuine Dialogue With Debora Thorne 5

Mon, 17 Feb 2020 01:00:00 GMT

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Genuine Dialogue With Debora Thorne 4

Mon, 10 Feb 2020 01:00:00 GMT

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Gina Speaks With Spiritual Teacher Mike Neville

Mon, 03 Feb 2020 01:00:00 GMT

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Mike is an international spiritual mentor and healer with almost 20 years' experience of helping people as individuals and groups understand their core values and align with them, in order to accelerate their spiritual progression. He is dedicated to helping people manifest what is rightful for them in accordance with their life plan.

He works with people to unlock deeply embedded traumas. Being clairaudient, clairsentient and highly sensitive he reads energy and energetic patterns at micro levels including links into the physiological systems.

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Genuine Dialogue With Debora Thorne 3

Mon, 27 Jan 2020 01:00:00 GMT

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Genuine Dialogue With Debora Thorne 2

Mon, 20 Jan 2020 01:00:00 GMT

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Genuine Dialogue With Debora Thorne

Tue, 14 Jan 2020 18:03:19 GMT

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Detriggering Festive Stress With Gina & Marilyn

Mon, 06 Jan 2020 01:00:00 GMT

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Global Social Depression With Gina Gardiner

Mon, 30 Dec 2019 01:00:00 GMT

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Dreams And Their Importance to Happiness

Mon, 16 Dec 2019 13:00:00 GMT

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Wholehearted Vs. Halfhearted

Mon, 09 Dec 2019 01:00:00 GMT

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Balance And Happiness

Mon, 02 Dec 2019 01:00:00 GMT

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Do Ultimatums Lead To Happy Relationships?

Mon, 25 Nov 2019 01:00:00 GMT

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Respect Equals Happiness

Mon, 18 Nov 2019 01:00:00 GMT

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Being Single And Happy

Mon, 11 Nov 2019 01:00:00 GMT

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Are Doubt Or Delusion Getting In The Way Of Your Happiness?

Mon, 04 Nov 2019 13:00:00 GMT

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Are People Doing Their Best?

Tue, 08 Oct 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Windfalls

Mon, 16 Sep 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Sacrifice

Mon, 09 Sep 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Integrity

Mon, 02 Sep 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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The Hero Journey

Mon, 19 Aug 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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The Simplest Yet Hardest Question You'll Ever Be Asked

Mon, 12 Aug 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Happiness

Mon, 05 Aug 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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A Legacy of Small Things

Mon, 29 Jul 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Motherhood

Mon, 22 Jul 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Love

Mon, 15 Jul 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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What Is Faith?

Mon, 08 Jul 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Belonging And Stepping Away From The Herd

Mon, 01 Jul 2019 21:00:00 GMT

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Can You Praise Too Much?

Mon, 24 Jun 2019 21:00:00 GMT

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How Long Can You Keep Blaming Your Parents?

Mon, 17 Jun 2019 21:00:00 GMT

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Redefining Personal Power

Mon, 10 Jun 2019 21:00:00 GMT

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Where Were You This Time Last Year?

Mon, 03 Jun 2019 21:00:00 GMT

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Community

Mon, 27 May 2019 21:00:00 GMT

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My Future Business - Interview With Gina Gardiner

Mon, 20 May 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Leadership

Mon, 13 May 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Dealing With Mean People

Mon, 29 Apr 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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New Years Resolutions

Mon, 22 Apr 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Gina introduces herself and her work to the Passionate World Radio listeners and in particular, her work with her coaching clients and her beliefs around helping people, and how learning to walk twice as an adult whilst also running an award-winning school has informed her approach to living a life that is thriving and not just surviving.

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Christmas Advice

Mon, 15 Apr 2019 09:00:00 GMT

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Playing Small And Avoiding Risks

Mon, 08 Apr 2019 16:00:00 GMT

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Sweeping Generalisations

Mon, 18 Mar 2019 19:51:09 GMT

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Time, and How To Make The Most of Yours

Mon, 11 Mar 2019 10:00:00 GMT

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Mean People

Mon, 04 Mar 2019 17:00:00 GMT

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Anticipation Anxiety And Making Better Decisions

Mon, 25 Feb 2019 18:00:00 GMT

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Labels We Apply To Ourselves

Mon, 18 Feb 2019 17:00:00 GMT

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Mountain Climbing Vs Mountain Observing

Mon, 11 Feb 2019 17:00:00 GMT

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Jealousy

Mon, 04 Feb 2019 17:00:20 GMT

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Gullability And Trust

Wed, 30 Jan 2019 20:51:48 GMT

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Do You Secretly Love Having Problems?

Mon, 14 Jan 2019 17:03:32 GMT

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Five Rules For Life

Mon, 07 Jan 2019 17:00:44 GMT

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Death And Living

Mon, 31 Dec 2018 17:00:48 GMT

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Valuing Yourself

Mon, 24 Dec 2018 17:00:54 GMT

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Getting Some Perspective

Mon, 17 Dec 2018 17:00:09 GMT

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The Link Between Fear And Micro-Managing

Mon, 10 Dec 2018 17:00:38 GMT

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Community

Mon, 03 Dec 2018 17:00:48 GMT

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Being A Good Team Member

Mon, 26 Nov 2018 17:00:29 GMT

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Leadership

Mon, 19 Nov 2018 17:00:54 GMT

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Authenticity

Mon, 12 Nov 2018 17:00:31 GMT

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Defensive People

Mon, 05 Nov 2018 17:00:13 GMT

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Managing Curve Balls

Mon, 29 Oct 2018 17:00:27 GMT

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Chaos Versus Order

Mon, 22 Oct 2018 16:00:35 GMT

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Dealing With That Critical Voice - Gina shares her beliefs about helping people and how we should look inside to see how we can better communicate with ourselves

Mon, 15 Oct 2018 16:00:07 GMT

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It Is Not All About You - In all reality, the universe does not revolve around you, people are doing the best they can in their own lives

Mon, 08 Oct 2018 16:00:30 GMT

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Sacrifice - Showing that the word doesn't have to be negative or meaning that you have to give up everything

Mon, 01 Oct 2018 16:00:58 GMT

[powerpress]

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How To Listen - Actively following along and creating an atmosphere for being open with other people

Mon, 24 Sep 2018 16:00:05 GMT

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Living To Your Values - Not compromising your values, the right and wrong for which we hold dear and find important.

Mon, 17 Sep 2018 16:00:30 GMT

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Dealing With Loss - Out of loss can come gifts, learning to find the blessings that are still there

Mon, 10 Sep 2018 16:00:09 GMT

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The Silliness of Always Being Right - Do you have to have the last word in little arguments? Find your confidence and a better way to handle these situations

Mon, 03 Sep 2018 16:00:09 GMT

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The Anatomy Of Commitment - How committed are you to something and do you actually see it through?

Wed, 22 Aug 2018 16:00:06 GMT

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The Challenge Of Saying Sorry

Mon, 20 Aug 2018 16:00:12 GMT

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Self-Sabotage

Mon, 13 Aug 2018 16:00:54 GMT

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Being Assertive

Mon, 30 Jul 2018 16:30:29 GMT

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The Art Of Managing Anxiety And Ten Tips To Do It

Mon, 23 Jul 2018 16:00:30 GMT

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Dealing With Decision Fatigue

Mon, 09 Jul 2018 16:00:02 GMT

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Managing Mood

Mon, 02 Jul 2018 00:53:12 GMT

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Developing Professional Confidence

Mon, 25 Jun 2018 16:00:52 GMT

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The Art Of Believing In Oneself

Mon, 18 Jun 2018 16:00:49 GMT

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Living Your Life On Purpose

Mon, 11 Jun 2018 16:00:06 GMT

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Theme Of Anticipation

Mon, 04 Jun 2018 16:00:18 GMT

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Putting The Past Behind You

Mon, 28 May 2018 16:00:15 GMT

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Creating And Maintaining Healthy Relationships With Others

Mon, 21 May 2018 16:00:24 GMT

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Inspiration

Mon, 14 May 2018 16:00:26 GMT

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Dealing With The End Of A Relationship Consciously

Mon, 07 May 2018 16:00:10 GMT

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Should I Settle For Second-Best In A Relationship?

Mon, 30 Apr 2018 16:00:27 GMT

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Pushing Through Barriers

Mon, 23 Apr 2018 16:00:43 GMT

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Are You Reaching Your Full Potential?

Mon, 16 Apr 2018 16:00:18 GMT

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Self Esteem

Mon, 09 Apr 2018 16:00:54 GMT

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Making The Most Of Your Time

Mon, 02 Apr 2018 16:00:42 GMT

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How To Keep Your Sanity As A Parent

Mon, 26 Mar 2018 16:00:55 GMT

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Gratitude

Mon, 19 Mar 2018 17:00:22 GMT

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Compassion

Mon, 12 Mar 2018 17:00:50 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

Life offers lots of challenges, detours and seeming dead ends, these can stop you in your tracks, causing you to get stuck in the morass of feeling overwhelmed or they can act as the impetus to achieve a better way of being. That is where “Thriving Not Surviving” is there to help you. It offers you a SAT NAV to help you reach your deepest desires more easily, and gives you lots of examples of where people, just like you, have used the principles and strategies to navigate their way through life's challenges.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

The book can help you to learn to challenge your habitual way of being and how to establish different more empowering approaches.
Individually the perspectives, principles and strategies offer you a powerful tool to enrich and enhance the quality of your life; collectively they are positively transformational!

Each of the 5 Secret Pathways offers you a different route along your journey to achieving a happy, successful and fulfilling life. “Thriving Not Surviving” achieves this by sharing with you the principles and strategies which I have learned through my personal experience and the lessons I have learned from others. They are proven to work and easy to incorporate into your busy life.

Each of the pathways provides you with the route map to navigate a particular theme: self-belief, creating lasting loving relationships, achieving sustained personal and professional success, choice and managing change and finding your true purpose and achieving fulfilment.

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Using Positive Anchors

Mon, 05 Mar 2018 16:00:00 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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How to Dig Yourself out of that Deep Dark Pit

Mon, 26 Feb 2018 10:00:21 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Thinking Positively is not Enough to Change Your Life Consistently

Mon, 19 Feb 2018 02:35:18 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Counting the Cost

Mon, 12 Feb 2018 10:00:12 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Theme Thriving not Surviving

Mon, 05 Feb 2018 10:00:44 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Self Worth

Mon, 29 Jan 2018 01:51:21 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Being Mindful

Mon, 22 Jan 2018 10:00:39 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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What is Stress?

Mon, 15 Jan 2018 10:00:38 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Circle of Excellence

Mon, 08 Jan 2018 10:00:58 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Dealing With Panic Attacks

Mon, 01 Jan 2018 10:00:19 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Mountains and Molehills

Mon, 25 Dec 2017 02:00:39 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Learning To Say No

Mon, 18 Dec 2017 00:30:53 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Internal Chatter

Mon, 11 Dec 2017 00:30:01 GMT

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“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Mountains And Molehills

Mon, 04 Dec 2017 10:00:21 GMT

Get The Book Here: https://thrivetogethertribe.com/buy-book

“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Patterns of Thinking

Mon, 04 Dec 2017 00:40:22 GMT

Get The Book Here: https://thrivetogethertribe.com/buy-book

“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

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Thriving Not Surviving - New Book Released!

Fri, 01 Dec 2017 05:15:13 GMT

Get The Book Here: https://thrivetogethertribe.com/buy-book

“Thriving Not Surviving” is designed to help you get the very best out of life.

It is important to remember that you remain in the driving seat. It is up to you how fast you go, where you begin your journey and which elements you want to focus on.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

6 Top Checks To Ensure That You Are In The Right Relationship

Mon, 15 May 2017 08:00:54 GMT

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Finding lasting love with the “right” person is high on most people's wish list. Finding your ideal partner is just the first challenge, knowing whether they are a “keeper” or one to leave before they do any damage is the second and if that wasn't difficult enough the third and longest challenge is how to maintain a loving inter-dependent relationship over time and through the many significant challenges of daily living.

How is it so many people get it so wrong? Why do so many relationships appear to be great at the start, but deteriorate often quite quickly into something which is at best disappointing and at worst destructive and toxic?

I have worked with many people in every stage of the relationship game. Those who yearn for love and who are lonely. Those in the first flush of a relationship where there are high levels of attraction (and hormones) but lots of unresolved issues, those facing a break up or dealing with a painful parting and the challenge of getting their lives together again, those who are struggling to make their relationship work, who love one another but are finding communication or something else a challenge and of those who have created a wonderful relationship over years but face a life without their other half through bereavement.

Through my work helping people to create, manage and maintain loving relationships I have identified six key ingredients which have been universally present in great loving, lasting relationships, and at least one of them has been an issue where relationships have had difficulties.

6 Key Ingredients to a lasting loving relationship:

These are not in any order of priority, as it is the cumulative effect which makes the relationship so powerful and successful.

When you are with your partner you are the best version of you. They bring out the best in you, and want the best for you. They believe in you and boost your confidence. They never put you down, belittle you or make you feel small. They are your most loyal supporter, ready to encourage and support and at the same time keep you grounded and realistic. You value their opinion and take it into account but know your opinion counts too. You have equal status within the relationship and even though you both have different strengths and weaknesses you each add value to the other.

Think about the way your partner talks to you, their tone and whether they make you feel good about yourself. Do they listen to what you have to say with interest? – of course you need to pick your moments, during a cup final is not a good idea

You share the same values in life – that does not mean you have to agree on everything. Indeed, things work well when couples can enjoy a lively debate and hold their corner, where both parties respect each other's opinion and can agree to differ. But at the deepest level couples need to know that you share similar values particularly around fidelity, trust, love, money, sex, bringing up children etc.

Have you and your partner talked about your core values and why they are important to you. It is really helpful to consider this individually. Having created the list put them into priority order. Then compare your lists. They may have differences and that's fine. It is in the discussion around what you value and why, that you really discover how closely compatible you are.

Once you have identified the values it is really useful to help your partner understand how you experience their values.

E.g. "I feel loved when you……."

"It makes me feel …… when you ……."

An honest and open discussion about what makes you feel loved and valued and where things don't work for you in an even voice at a time when you are having a calm loving conversation is so much more helpful rather than trying to share your distress in a crisis when things get heated and you are likely to handle things in a negative way.

You love one another unconditionally. Many people offer and withdraw their love on a barter system. If you do this for me, in that way then I'll love you. Of course, it's much more subtle than that but the underlying message is the same.

Many people get together, believing that they will be able to change the things which irritate them in their partner once they are together. It is the kiss of death to creating a loving inter-dependent relationship. Unconditional means you love all of them, of course it doesn't mean you have to like all their behaviours, but you love them no matter what.

The only person you have total power over is yourself. You are your responsibility. You are totally responsible for your emotional wellbeing. It is not your partner's responsibility to make you happy.

Interestingly, if you change the way you approach things, it often has an impact on other's behaviour. If you want to change a behaviour, it is far better to praise and reward the behaviours you want, rather than nagging and criticising the ones you don't.

You communicate effectively and often! I think it is helpful to remember that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. If you listen twice as hard and as often as you talk it will help enormously. Actively listening requires your full attention not only to hear the words but to appreciate what is going on behind them.

Whist people may use the same words they often mean different things. Imaging one person is speaking apples and the other bananas. They are both talking the language of fruit yet they appear very different. Successful couples create a third shared language which is based on mutual understanding.

Understanding how one's perspective actually changes the reality you experience is really helpful here, particularly when you couple it with the capacity to consider that, motive is not always the one you assume. Most people do not deliberately hurt others, the hurt is unintentional. They are just too busy dealing with their own stuff to realise that in the process the other person is upset.

The most successful couples are great friends. They treat one another as you do a valued friend. There is a shared experience which is built over time.

When things are going well they enjoy one another's company, have shared interests and some individual interests too. There is a real honesty and a shared trust which is rock solid.

When something goes wrong in life they offer support and comfort. They can whether the inevitable storms because they like one another. If there is a disagreement it is aired, lessons are learned and they move on. They are generous with praise, forgiving and ready to trust and show their vulnerability.

Create a list of the things you think make a great “best friend.” Think of the attributes and behaviours you would expect form your best friend. Consider as wide a range of situations as possible and make your list as comprehensive as you can.

Think about the way you behave when with your partner. How well do you measure up to your Best Friend List? How do they? This is a useful exercise to do individually but it is a great activity to do with your partner.

Couples who laugh a lot together, who are playful and have fun do really well. Laughing is an incredibly powerful way of bonding when both parties are laughing with one another rather than at someone's expense.

It is so easy to lose those precious moments especially with the pressures of work, managing the children, the house and the expectations from the extended family. Creating opportunities to be together on your own may need some creativity and a great deal of determination but they are well worth it. Every relationship requires nurturing if it is to thrive and being aware of the need to cherish one another vital.

What should you do if your relationship feels as if it is missing any of the key ingredients?

There are lots of options but all of them will require some action from you. If you do nothing, then nothing will change. It's your choice. It is entirely possible to change things for the better.

If you want to improve and strengthen your existing relationship, that is entirely possible, and getting some help can make things easier.

A great relationship requires a significant emotional investment, but it is well worth the effort.

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5 Great Things About Being Over 50

Mon, 08 May 2017 04:05:01 GMT

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Age is an interesting issue.

Many of the clients I've worked with worry about getting older and the significant “0” birthdays fill them with dread.
Others worry that they are too young and won't have the experience or gravitas to be taken seriously. This is a very common belief in emerging managers who are really worried about managing others who are older than them.

In my experience age has far less to do with how many candles there are on the birthday cake or how mature we are than the beliefs we have about ourselves and the world and our attitude to life.

One thing is clear: being over 50 brings with it several very significant advantages if we choose to see them.

No. 1 We can let go of the angst about what others think

By the time we reach 50 the anxiety that we experience as youngsters around fitting in has lessened. Many teenagers many feel a desperate need to belong to an accepting peer group, to be part of the in- crowd. When left on the outside of the group it triggers a huge sense of isolation. This has been hot wired into humans since very early times when we were part of a clan, dressed in animal pelts and living in caves. Survival was dependent on being part of the collective group.

Isolation meant almost certain death. It was almost impossible to be able to hunt effectively or be protected from marauding rival clans and wild animals as a single body.

The very real agony young people experience when they feel excluded can be replaced as we get older with the realisation that just being us is enough.

Life has offered most of us the opportunity to learn that it is not the challenge which defines us but the way in which we approach and deal with it. Instead of designing our lives entirely on what others MIGHT think about us we have learned to trust our own inner wisdom and to follow it. This approach brings with it an enormous sense of freedom both spiritually and emotionally.

No. 2: 50 is the new 30

It was watching the Oscar ceremony a while ago and I was struck at how many of those attending were over 50 and had never looked better. The same thing is true of friends, family and clients. Yes, they may have more cellulite and gravity has had some impact on certain parts of their body but the negative impacts of time are more than compensated for by the sense of confidence which has developed through living half a century.

Modern technology, medical science and a very different standard of living from our parents and previous generations have provided us with the opportunity to learn life's lessons without looking old.

Better health care has eradicated many of the diseases which either killed people or left them looking old and warn out has made a tremendous difference. There are those who have chosen to have surgery to help them look younger too.
Access to better nutrition, far more sophisticated skin care, greater awareness of the damage by sun or smoking have all helped to make people look young and vibrant for longer.

No. 3: We have the opportunity to lead more interesting lives than our forebears.

The opportunity to travel has never been greater. It's not so long ago that only the very affluent had the opportunity to widen their horizons with travel. Most people lived and died a stone's throw from where they were born.

Now, people travel far and wide, experiencing different cultures, having a wide range of amazing experiences.

There is the opportunity to stimulate the brain, to utilise our senses and to question and explore. We can engage our sense of adventure, our curiosity, enjoy our hobbies and pastimes in a very different way to those who came before us.

No. 4: As we grow older we move from being inexperienced and insecure into an age of mastery

Marianne Williamson says “Your youth has not been ended so much as your prolonged youth has been interrupted – not as some bum deal that comes at the end of the party, but as your salvation from ultimate meaninglessness your one last chance to get it right….. And whilst you might be feeling a bit depressed that you are no longer young, you're ecstatic that you're no longer clueless."

During the preceding decades we have learned a huge set of skills and gained a wide range of experiences. These enable us to understand it is all about perspective. Emotional mountains which have had the potential to challenge and unsettle can be downsized into molehills.

We have time and opportunity to challenge any beliefs which have limited us in the past. Whether we choose to do that is entirely up to each of us. As we become aware of any limiting belief it is our choice whether to hold on to it, or to challenge and change it for something far more empowering. I have known so many clients at around 50 who have made the active decision to overhaul their belief system and as a result have stepped into their true power.

No. 5: 50 seems to be a landmark when many people stop chasing material goals.

They recognise that more “stuff” will not create a sense of lasting fulfilment. They become more aware of finding their true purpose in life.

I think it is the time when many choose to redefine themselves as a “Human Being” rather than a “Human Doing”.

Early adulthood brings with it the need to succeed financially, professionally and personally. People spend years chasing the goals they set themselves. ( Many of them set so high that failure is almost inevitable)

When faced with the need to constantly prove equal to the challenges - professionally, within relationships, as parents it brings an undeniable set of pressures. These pressures keep us in constant motion always working towards a better job, a bigger house and often a greater and greater sense of disconnect and dissatisfaction.

How many people strive hugely to achieve their dream and when they arrive at their dreamed of location there is a sense of disappointment. “Is this it?”

By the time we reach half a century on this Earth the need to constantly prove things to ourselves and others begins to lose its momentum. It is in that slowing down we can finally appreciate that everything in life comes down to what is going on in that moment.

There is actually nothing else. We can only live our lives one moment at a time. Anxiety, worry, fear can keep us stuck in the past but the result is it destroys the potential of NOW. Constantly chasing the goals of the future without enjoying the NOW is like taking a journey to an unknown destination in a vehicle with no windows. By focussing only on the future there is no opportunity to enjoy the journey there.

How we choose to spend our lives moment by moment is what determines its quality.

Appreciating the many gifts our life offers us even when it is challenging, articulating gratitude for the natural world and the people we care about gives us a sense of fulfilment and joy.

So if you are approaching a significant other's birthday, take the time to celebrate the freedom that age and experience offer. You are starting a new and exciting chapter in your life.

It's time to choose to make the most of it.

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Learning From Leo - Living In The Moment

Fri, 14 Apr 2017 06:21:08 GMT

Part 1

Living in the moment.

See the world through the eyes of a kitten and you get the perfect lesson of how to live in the moment.

The world is full of exciting new things to explore. Everything is a potential play thing. Every sense is heightened as you go moment by moment through the day.

Here is a taste of the world according to Leo:

Leo was loathe to get up this morning when I went I to the kitchen. He yawned, stretched to his full capacity and then closed his eyes and went back to sleep.
As I opened the cupboard door to get out the food pouches and his dishes he went from completely relaxed and flat out to fully alert, he bounced out of bed and was sitting ready for breakfast with his tail neatly wrapped around his feet before I had the pouch open.

Breakfast hoovered up he was off, out of the kitchen, to explore. Every nook and crannie was examined, each item sniffed, patted, some chewed before bouncing on to the next.

Periodically the exploration process was suspended while he attacked his scratching post, climbed onto the top and dived off to catch the ribbons which are attached to it with string.
How often are you distracted by worrying about all those other things on you “To Do” list, or thinking about the past and wishing you had done things differently? Focusing too much on the past or what might or should happen in the future detracts hugely from enjoying the here and now.
Leo has no such problem. His attention is fully on the now. He uses every fibre of his being to grab life and enjoy it.
If you find yourself harping on about the past a useful strategy is to journal the events and how it made you feel.
Consider what lesson you have learned from the experience
Ask yourself – where is the gift?
Give yourself permission to let it go
Create a ceremony around letting the past go. Burn what you have written in your journal, tear it into tiny pieces and bury it in the garden or sprinkle it in the sea. You don't actually have to do any of these physically, it works if you do it in your mind's eye. It's your choice.

Part 2 Living In The Moment

Leo's attention was then taken up with a paper sack I'd left on the floor. He stalked it carefully, bottom stuck up in the air as he edged his way towards this strange brown thing he'd never encountered before. The hairs on his back were up, tail twice the normal size he rushed in for the attack. He pounced and as he pounced the bag made a loud crackling noise. Leo leapt into the air all four paws spread wide, before landing and rushing to hide under the sideboard.

All was quiet for a few moments until a little face appeared from under the corner of its hidey hole. In inch by inch he manoeuvred himself closer and closer to the bag. A tentative paw uncurled and patted the bag. As the bag rustled Leo jumped back but held his ground. Once again he crawled belly to the ground toward the bag. He drew himself up, and then jumped high into the air before landing squarely in the middle of the bag. He attacked the bag with teeth and all four paws, growling as he did so. Only when he was absolutely convinced that the bag was no threat did he step back. He sat head on one side whilst deciding what to do next.

The opening to the bag presented itself and Leo lay on his side whilst poking a paw inside. Little by little he wriggled forward until he disappeared inside. The next thing I saw was the paper bag apparently moving unaided along the floor as Leo pushed from the inside.

After a few moments quiet in the dark there was a great amount of rustling and crackling as Leo turned himself around and finally shot out of the bag like a rocket.
When tackling something new how much of your approach is affected by things which happened in the past? This can be hugely positive where you bring previous skills, expertise and knowledge to bear in the new situation.
It can also be negative where you have lots of baggage from previous experiences generating a fear of failing or getting hurt or mistrust of people. It is these which become incredibly counter productive.
Fear of being hurt stops many people from getting out there to look for a loving relationship. The paradox is that the fear keeps them stuck in a place where they are lonely and unfulfilled.
Leo has no such baggage. He accepts each different situation for what it is. Momentary fear passes and as soon as the perceived threat is over he carries on which enthusiasm and an incredible verve for life.

Part 3 – Living In The Moment

Grooming was next on the agenda. Leo washed each part of himself with a thoroughness even the most particular would approve of. His white front sparkling like something out of a detergent advert before looking around to see what mischief he could get Into next.

It was then the turn of the orchids. The roots growing out of the pot bounce up and down very satisfyingly when patted with a paw. This activity kept Leo fully engaged for quite a while. He patted them from the front, the sides and the back. He tried it with his right paw and then his left. Each time he batted the root he put more and more pressure in the pat until the whole plant jumped out of the pot and onto the floor covering him and the floor with orchid bark. He looked very surprised, sneezed and then started to play football with the bark which flew across the floor in a very satisfying way when he patted it.

Compare Leo's approach to life with how many of us fail to make the very best of each moment.

When I initially start working with clients I am struck on just how many allow their past to define and spoil their 'now'. Instead of taking the lesson or the gift from their past experiences and moving forward they are chained to the negative impact.

Others are so busy planning and goal setting and future destination they fail to enjoy the journey.

Why not choose to savour your day. Take a few moments out of your busy day to really be in the moment.

One simple way to do it is to take the time to look around you and imagine you are seeing the natural world for the first time.
See the textures, colours and shapes
What can you hear? Are the noises natural or man- made?
Use each of your senses and really focus on what you are taking in.
How does it make you feel?

It's great if you can get outside into the garden, a park or the woods but, don't let time, or lack of it stop you from truly living in the moment.

Use all of your senses when you eat. Eat slowly and enjoy each mouthful.

Be playful about living in the moment. Smile and see the world through a child's or Leo's eyes. The great thing is there is no pressure to do things in any particular way. He doesn't care what others think he's just having fun!

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Save Or End Your Relationship

Wed, 05 Apr 2017 09:29:40 GMT

Relationships can inspire, nurture, enrich and fulfil us or be destructive, tear us apart and grind us down. When things go wrong and (sometimes they do spectacularly) partners are often so caught up in the hurt and anger that a future together appears impossible.

Having worked with so many couples now I have a pretty clear indication of when it's time to walk away and make a new life and when couples can deal with the challenges and find the way forward.

I'm not talking about having a half- life full of recriminations, bitten tongues and unsaid words. I'm talking about moving forward and creating a loving, inter dependent relationship where both partners are 100% committed to making things work in the long term, where they want the very best for each other and themselves. It is what we all deserve and I believe what we should all be striving for.

On the surface there are so many reasons why relationships fail, yet in reality the actual issues boil down to a few core issues.

Shared Values

Couples who have the same values in life are at a huge advantage. Our values are those unwritten rules by which we live our lives, the things we feel to be really important. Great stress is created when one of the partners begins to engage with behaviour which is at variance with values of the other.

Fidelity and trust are common examples. When one partner betrays the trust of the other by having an affair it triggers a huge range of emotions in the person who feels betrayed and let down. In my experience it often feeds a crisis in self- confidence - if I was good, pretty, clever, rich etc enough they wouldn't have looked elsewhere. Anger at the straying partner is mixed with feeling worthless, this is then combined with a tremendous fear of what the future holds. This generates a huge level of anxiety about the uncertainty for the future and a feeling of their life being completely out of control.

In my experience of working with couples the person who has been unfaithful usually feels guilty and bad about themselves. They either get bolshy and try to justify their behaviours at least to themselves or completely shut down their emotions. This emotional withdrawal is often seen as a further insult by the partner who feels abandoned and the situation spirals out of control.

Things are made worse as partners who have been together for any length of time know exactly which buttons to press. The trouble is that everyone in these situations is working on a short fuse, their partner's behaviour is setting off triggers all over the place and a self- perpetuating pattern is established.

Relationship with self and others

In a close partnership there are actually 3 relationships. The one that each person has with themselves and the one they have with one another.

Relationships work best when both partners feel confident about themselves. where they are able to love themselves and who they are. This doesn't mean an indulgent love, but one where you are comfortable in your own skin and where you feel good about yourself wobbly bits and all.

When one or both partners have a poor sense of self-worth and limiting beliefs about themselves they generally look for their partner to love them unconditionally. The trouble is they are often dealing with their own issues and can rarely provide the constant reassurance and support the other person craves.

If you have had a string of negative relationships it is important that you look to yourself before trying to find someone else to make it right. People who love and value themselves expect to be treated well and with respect. They create appropriate boundaries which avoid being treated badly.

Effective Communication

Recognising that there are three relationships in the partnership makes it easier to understand that there are also three different languages within the relationship. The challenge it to recognise that although people use the same words they rarely mean exactly the same thing. We talk of love, trust, respect, passion etc but everyone had a different interpretation of what that means to them.

If you imagine that one person speaks oranges and the other grapes the way to success is for couples to create a shared language of fruit. To do that each partner needs to share their understanding of the important things. If every couple had a shared understanding of their values AND the behaviours they need to experience from the other in order to feel loved or that they can trust etc many relationships would be far more successful.

Let me share an example. I was working with a couple who were considering divorce. Both felt unhappy and unloved and appreciated by the other. We were working on their values and both identified "love" as a high priority. I asked them what they needed to experience from the other in order to feel loved. She said "I want him to buy me flowers". He was indignant!
"But I buy you flowers every Friday"
"No what you do I'd dump a bunch of flowers in the shopping trolley, and usually they are the ones on special offer"
I asked her what she meant by buying flowers. Her response was very interesting. " I don't need them every week. I want him to go to a florist and pick flowers I like. I'd like them wrapped and for him to give them to me, to give me a kiss"
In reality what she needed was to feel that some thought and effort had gone into the process.

The same couple demonstrated other common issues. He found it difficult to express his emotions. When things got difficult he withdrew. She felt rejected and alone. She on the other hand often played the martyr. She wouldn't ask directly for what she wanted. She would hope and expect her partner to be a mind reader. When he failed to interpret the sighs and looks she was then angry and felt like a victim.

Understanding each other's needs and being able to articulate them calmly, to truly listen to one another is vital if a long and happy relationship is to be achieved.

Habitual Patterns Of Behaviour

When we begin to interact with another person everything is coloured by the way we see the world. Our beliefs underpin our behaviours, 95% of which are habitual. By that I mean that we don't consciously think about our response. It is an instinctive reaction to the words we hear, the tone of voice or the behaviour. In turn our responses or lack of them trigger an equally habitual response in the other. Patterns of behaviours are established and for the most part people are oblivious to the part they play in them.

If you have always done what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got. If you don't like the way things are going and you want things to change for the better the best place to start is with yourself. You are the only person you have control over. Trying to change others is far more difficult. The wonderful thing is that when you change your pattern of behaviour it has the capacity to act as a catalyst for change in others.

The next time you find yourself ready to bite back with a sharp or unkind retort to something your partner has said which has annoyed you stop. Think about how you respond. A hug, a "sorry you feel that way - I love you" can bring about a very different response if you mean it.
Forgiveness

Learning to forgive yourself and others is truly a gift. Holding on to old resentments, bearing a grudge is like taking the poison yourself and expecting someone else to suffer.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting or condoning the action which has caused the problem. It is about letting go of the hurt and the anger and moving forward. Not doing so keeps you chained to the past. Once you truly forgive it gives a future with huge hope and potential for things to be different.

The willingness to forgive past transgressions determines whether any relationship which have been in difficulty have the chance of a happy and loving future.

Of course it is dependent on lessons being learned. When someone indulges in repeated infidelity it is time to examine why you stay.

Can relationships where one partner has been unfaithful not only survive but thrive? I believe so.

Forgiving a partner who has been unfaithful is possible so long as they work to create a sense of trust which then remains unbroken and both partners are prepared to examine what went wrong in the relationship and to change those things. If either partner is unwilling or unable, to draw a line on the past and focus positively on the present and the future the relationship has a very uncertain future, I would say it is doomed. Where both couples are prepared to invest 100% in creating a loving inter dependent relationship there is every chance that they will make it work.

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What Will The Last Words They Hear From You Be?

Wed, 05 Apr 2017 08:55:26 GMT

The loss of someone you love is always very difficult but out of bereavement comes a golden opportunity to examine your priorities and to re-evaluate the way things are done.

The loss of my brother made me think about many things at a personal level and also it gave me the opportunity to think about how a sudden bereavement impacts on others. As I thought about it there were a number of lessons which stood out. I started to think about the many clients I work with and how the lessons created through David's death might be of value to others. A television programme looking at the last few moments of the people killed in the Twin Towers terrorist attack and the contacts made with their loved ones who knew they were about to die confirmed my thoughts.

One of the things which struck me forcibly was how powerful the impact of the last words shared between loved ones was on the people left behind.

The one thing that really stood out was that the last words spoken between people are the ones which remain for ever with the person left behind. The people receiving phone and text messages from their loved ones in the Twin Towers heard words they will treasure for the rest of their lives. How much they were loved and what high a value the person they were about to loose placed on them and their relationship. It didn't take away the agony of loosing their loved one but without exception the surviving partner, parent, child or friend gained enormous comfort in the days after their loss from those few loving words.

One thing which has made my brother's family grief easier is the thought that they had shared a wonderful holiday immediately prior to David's death. They had in face returned the night before. They have great memories of quality time together, lots of laughter and loving words to draw upon. How different would it be if the last words shared has been argumentative or negative?

Dave was great at keeping in touch with friends and family. This has helped enormously. He was really good at telling people he cared about them. He often sent me a quick text saying “Luv Ya” or “Thinking about you” and it always brought a smile to my face and a warm glow to my heart. I know from talking to others that they share similar feelings.

I thought of all the partners of workaholics I know. It struck me how often the time spent with their loved ones was coloured by their sense of sadness, anger, irritation or loss at their partners work habits. I know the short time they spend together is often quite pressured, and negative words are exchanged or resentments are often shared without any words being spoken.

What were the last words you said to your partner? Think about the past week. What proportion of your conversation was dealing with day to day living? How much was spent nagging or complaining? How much was spent saying something which will have a positive impact on the relationship? When was the last time you told them you loved them and there were no strings attached.

Some simple principles can make a huge difference:

Make sure that no one ever goes to bed or leaves the house on an argument.

When was the last time you told your partner that you loved them – unconditionally?

Texts are a wonderful way of sending a positive message which can be picked up at a time and in a way which is undemanding, never the less the sentiment is just as powerful. A little note in their brief case can do the same thing. Keep it light and undemanding and as always with unconditional love expect nothing in return.

Be sure that what ever happens the words you offer give you no cause for regret

If your anxiety or frustration lead to harsh words, negative body language, if you feel unhappy or dissatisfied with life then it is time to take control of your own life and to do something differently, get some help.

Make every day count and live it fully.

Treasure the people you care about and tell them often that you value them just for being them.

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How To Avoid Destroying Your Relationship By Playing Games

Wed, 05 Apr 2017 08:23:51 GMT

We all play games.

No I'm not talking about football, cards or tiddlywinks. I'm talking about the games we play with ourselves and others.

The “I'm not going to listen to what you have to say - even if it makes perfect sense, because if I do it will mean that you are right and I'm wrong” game

Or the ….

The “I won't tell you what I really want or need. You should notice with out my saying anything and when you don't I'll feel hurt, rejected, frustrated and / or angry. I'll play the martyr” game.

Or the …

The “poor little me – no one understands how hard it has been; it is alright for everyone else” game.

Or the …

“When people ask me to do things I always say yes even though I really don't want to do it.

But then I feel resentful or angry because I don't feel as if I have any choice or that is the only way I feel I have any value” game.

Or the
My parents didn't / don't love me because they are always telling me what to do / don't give me enough attention / gave my brother or sister a better deal” game.

Or the
‘My boss is a B------- he's always on my case' game

The games we play are as numerous and varied as there are people.

In essence the games are always based on the stories we tell ourselves about the things which happen in our lives.

These stories keep us stuck in a pattern of beliefs and behaviours which is great if they are empowering but all too often they are destructive and limiting.

Once we create a story we then start to look for evidence to support our story. If you look hard enough you can ALWAYS find evidence to support any belief.

As time goes on we stack more and more evidence to support the story.

Is it based on truth?

It is based on our perception of the truth which is an entirely different precept.

In reality our perception of the truth can be empowering, neutral or destructive.

You can choose to see your partner as neglectful and uncaring or as someone who is driven to work unreasonable hours because of the needs which drive them.

The amazing thing is that as soon as you give up the need to play the game, magic things can then begin to happen.

If you can give up the need to be right or the need to position yourself as the one who has been treated badly you can begin to see your situation through a fresh eyes.

As soon as you do that solutions which had previously been hidden from view begin to emerge.

So think carefully about the ‘games' you play.

Until now they will have generally been unconscious (but are no less destructive because of that).

Think carefully about the patterns of behaviour you run in your life. If they are empowering to you and those around you keep them going.

Where you are left feeling a victim, a martyr, angry, resentful or depressed, where there are winners and losers look for the ‘game' which underpins the process.

You will need to be extremely honest with yourself and you may not like what you reveal.

Imagine yourself as an independent observer watching and listening to what you do and say, the tone of voice, the body language, and to what you leave unsaid or done.

Be conscious of the feelings which precede your actions and how you feel in the aftermath.

Acknowledging that you play games is the first step.

Identifying what they are is the second.

The third and probably the most powerful stage is to tell the person you play the games with what you have been doing and say you are sorry.

Completing these stages offers you the opportunity to redesign your existing relationships with your partner, your parents, children and your boss and most importantly with yourself.

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10 Principles To Creating Lasting Change In Your Life

Wed, 05 Apr 2017 08:18:16 GMT

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Creating lasting change is something many of us find difficult. If it was easy, none of us would ever fail to lose weight, or keep smoking despite wanting to give it up, nor would we continue to have disastrous relationships, to work too hard, or continue to make New Year's resolutions and then fail to keep them.
How often have you decided you need to do something to change your life?
To go on a diet, meet more people, give up listening to that negative voice in your head which is constantly nagging or cut down on your work commitments.
Yet how often do you find yourself opening the biscuit barrel or booking another work appointment almost immediately?
Having eaten the biscuit or had another cigarette after making the decision to give up and rather than stop at one found yourself thinking I've broken my resolution so I might as well have another…….?
Have you ever wondered why it is that so many people make new year's resolutions and by the second week of January they already a distant memory.
Creating lasting change is so much easier if you stick to the principles outlined below.

1) Be clear about what you want to change and why?

Understand what is going well in your life. What is it you want more of?
What is it you hate about your life and want you want to change?
What difference would the change make to your life if you achieved it?
What is the cost to the quality of your life if you don't?
The clearer you are the easier it will be to plan the change but even more important is the why!
Is it your why? Or are you trying to please other people
The most dramatic changes happen when “shoulds” and “musts” become I choose to do this because it is really important to me!.

2) Believe it is possible to make the change.

Think about other examples within your life when you have succeeded in changing something.
Many of the changes seemed impossible – yet you did it. You have absolute evidence that you are capable.
If you can succeed in one area then there is nothing to stop you achieving in another other than your belief that it is possible.

3) Set clear, specific goals.

The more specific you are about what it is you want to change the easier it is to plan how to do it and to measure your success once you have achieved it.
It is really common to over- estimate what we can do in a day or a week but under-estimate what we can do over a longer period of time.
That is particularly true of losing weight.

4) Imagine Your Success is already a reality.
Imagine yourself at a time in the future when you have succeeded in making the change.
See the outcomes of your success.
If you want to loose weight see the slim and healthy you enjoying trying on a whole new wardrobe.
Enjoy feeling healthy, full of energy and feeling good about yourself.
See the admiring glances as you walk down the road.
Think about what difference the change is making to your life?
How do you feel about the fact you have succeeded?
As you visualize it (at night just before you go to sleep is a great time to do this) use each of your senses to create as detailed experience as you can.
Research had shown that people who create a sense of success while they are working towards it actually succeed much more easily.
It is now regularly used by top sportsmen and women, by performers and top business people. If it works for them why not give yourself the same opportunity.
Remember nothing succeeds like success. Use your past and present success to help you know you can make any future change and succeed at that.

5) You get what you focus on.

If you want a brilliant relationship but you only focus on work or financial success you are much less likely to achieve a brilliant relationship.
Set aside time and energy to make things happen in the area of your life you want to change..
The decisions you make will be very different if you focus on failing or on how you can achieve success.

6) Take action

If you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have now.
Nothing will change unless you make the decision to do things differently. Any change needs to become embedded and part of our daily lives if it is to make any sustained impact.
Many of us do the single grand gesture and then loose interest.
It is the small actions taken consistently which make a sustained difference to our lives.

7) Ask for help

We have no hesitation in calling for a car mechanic or heating engineer when we want to sort our car or our heating system out yet when we want to make fundamental changes to our lives we often try to do it alone.
Work with a coach, a personal trainer or mentor.
They can help you clarify your thinking, set goals, plan how to achieve them and hold you accountable for the choices you make.
If you think it too expensive think of the cost to the quality of your life of not achieving your desired outcome.
Consider the cost as an investment.

8) Surround yourself with positive people

If you want to give up something, drinking, smoking you will find it easier to spend time with people who do not smoke or drink heavily.
If you want to do something well, look for those who are masters of it. Watch and listen carefully. What is their approach, how does it differ from yours. Is it a question of technique or one of sustained activity or a mixture of both?
Seek those who have already achieved what you are wanting to do or be and model their behaviours.

9) Maintain the pace

What action can you take today which will start you on your journey to success?
Remember even the longest journeys start with the first step.
Where do you want to be in 4 weeks time? In three months? By the end of the year?
Set milestones so you can measure your progress.
Make them achievable but with a level of challenge.
One thing is absolutely vital. If you experience a set back recalibrate your milestones rather than give up.
So many people start out at the gym wanting to get fit. They go a few times but quickly become disillusioned and give up.
If you fall off the wagon during the day – don't give up. Rather than think “Oh well I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb” and then finish the cake, the bottle of wine or packet of cigarettes. Start afresh straight away.
Instead of saying I'll start the diet again on Monday and eating lots of fattening things over the weekend if you eat a big piece of cake adjust your eating for the rest of THAT day. You'll begin the next day feeling better about yourself.

10) Celebrate your success

Celebrate each small victory. (Create celebrations which support rather than work against your goal. If you want to loose weight eating a cream cake is not a useful reward). Remember that positive reinforcement is a powerful motivator.
Think about the future and the changes you want to make.
Don't wait for Monday or January 1st.
Every day is the start of the rest of your life! so don't let the date stop you from making a resolution to improve your life.

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Lonely But Not Alone Living With A Workaholic

Wed, 05 Apr 2017 08:09:59 GMT

Since I started working coaching I have often been struck at how many people are feeling very lonely and isolated. It leads to great unhappiness and is often the trigger which brings clients to work with me.

Surprisingly many of these clients were actually living within a relationship with a significant other. Listening to their stories has made me realise that it is common to feel very alone in a relationship which isn't working. Sometimes the loneliest place is when we are in the midst of others.

Many of these clients arrive believing that everything would be ok if only they could change the way their partner behaved. They see themselves as a victim with no choice and no power.

For much of the time clients felt that they were expected to manage entirely on their own whilst their partners were busy with work.

They were left waiting for long periods of time simply waiting for their partner to be available to talk to or to do things with.

Having their partner physically present was no indicator of their being available as their attention was elsewhere.

Modern technology adds the final twist of the knife any workaholic partner has so many more opportunities to be in work mode. Mobile phones, Blackberrys and emails all have a voracious appetite for attention 24/7.

Those with children find themselves living the life, in all practical terms of a single parent within the marriage or partnership.

An added pressure is created because the children often idolise their missing parent.

The absent partner is rarely there to do the boring stuff like homework and nagging them to tidy up their bedroom.

When they do make themselves available the children get to do fun things it is such a rarity it gives the activity very high status.

Once the partner returns into work mode the parent left behind has the double whammy of having to deal not only with your own feelings but with disgruntled and disappointed children too. It can feel so unfair.

An added difficulty arises when your partners also wants to take time “for them” to unwind and relax. Where those activities exclude you and / or the children it acts very often like a slap in the face.

Those working significantly long hours expected their partner to be on tap when they finally had time to spare on the relationship making it very difficult for the partner to create a fulfilling hobby or spend time with friends.

When your workaholic partners want to spend time with you or needs to entertain people for work you are expected to drop everything and be available. You are faced with variations on a theme of the following logic:

“You have been nagging me to spend time with you, then when I want to do just that you are off doing something else.”

“I have so little time surely you want to spend it with me.”

“My commitments are so much more important than yours, after all it is me who supports the life style you enjoy. You could do what you have planned at any time.”

“I bring home the money which keeps you in the manner you want, surely it is not too much to ask for you to be with me when I have the time.”

“when I get home from work I'm too tired to deal with all this ….. surely you can sort out ….. the plumber… the insurance…. their homework…. the problem with the teacher….. the dentist etc.”

“I want to spend quality time with the children, so lets do something fun.”

“I buy them wonderful things… what more do they… or you want from me?

I can hear you all saying “ We know the problem, what we want to know is how to fix it!”

If you have tried all the usual ways of trying to change the workaholic habits of your partner may be it is time to change your attitude towards the problem.

There is no simple answer to what is a complex problem, but ask yourself how indispensable are you and your partner to one another?
The first principle to establish is the only person you have total control over is yourself.

The second principle is the person who is responsible for your happiness and wellbeing is YOU.

The third principle is if there is something happening in your life that you don't like – it is up to you to do one of two things:
To change it or to change the way you react and feel about it.

You are not a victim unless you choose to be. You are the common denominator to every situation in your life. You can choose to give others the control over your emotions and your destiny or you can choose to take the power back into your own hands.

Of course it can be scary, or / challenging but the rewards are well worth it.

When you have no control over changing someone else the only thing you can do is change your attitude towards it. Very often changing your attitude impacts on the very thing you found impossible to change. The only place to start changing anyone else is by changing your approach, your emotional state and your behaviours.

Loving your partner and accepting unacceptable behaviour are two different things.

Think about your particular circumstances. Do you sit waiting for your partner to find a small space for you in their life? By sitting waiting for them to be free you begin to create a structure within the relationship which states that it is acceptable for them to treat you in this way. They are able to sustain their pattern of behaviour because you are at some level colluding with them.

This is not about paying them back – indeed that is the very last thing I am suggesting.

This is about:
• Developing a strong sense of your own self worth.

• Being honest with yourself and avoiding playing the victim.

• Learning what motivates and drives both you and your partner and understanding how to make both sets of needs work.

• Being loving to your partner whist loving yourself..

• Learning to communicate effectively with your partner. (Often we use the same words but the meanings we attach to them are completely different.)

• Using loving language which sets out your case clearly and firmly. (Without accusing, nagging or whining.)

• Setting out clear boundaries of what is acceptable and not and sticking to them.

• Creating a life which you find fulfilling, even when your partner is not available. Making sure you make the most of every moment of your life rather than sitting waiting.

There are lots of strategies to help you achieve this set out in The Relationship Bridge or if you'd like some individual help you can book a session with me through the website.

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Step Into Your Power

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 08:34:18 GMT

The principles are the same both Personally and Professionally.

The quality of your life is entirely determined by the quality of your thinking. Surprisingly few of us actually give any attention to the way in which we think and there is a really good reason for that.

Research has demonstrated that for most of us, most of the time, we think in habitual patterns for around 95% of the time. Our thoughts bypass our conscious mind. Something happens and it triggers an automatic response

To be truly powerful you have to think and act mindfully, to make conscious, informed decisions.

Why is it so important?

Our beliefs generate out thinking,

Our thinking generates emotions which in turn generates actions.

Beliefs can be either empowering or dis-empowering. Our beliefs about ourselves and the world we live in are often created when we are very young, once installed we look for evidence to support it being true.

Trouble with that is beliefs can remain in place for years unless they are challenged.

I have studied countless people who have stepped into their power and as a result are extremely successful. It is easy to see why. They follow the same pattern of mindful thinking. It's not magic or rocket science. Great thing is that there is nothing about the way highly successful people operate, that cannot be replicated by you, if you have a mind to do it.

So let's look at what makes the difference

Consider the following approaches

No 1

If you think - I will fail. It's becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – it's a done deal. Many people will not even start if they think they will fail. They would rather not try than be seen to fail.

No 2

I might fail. Whilst they go through the motions everything is coloured by the fear of failure. It is rather like trying to run up hill with a boulder strapped to your back

No 3

I will succeed

If you are determined to succeed it doesn't mean you have to know al the answers from the start. Indeed people who are mindful about being determined to succeed will see every failure as an opportunity to learn before moving forward.

Dyson who is now a multi – millionaire made nearly 2000 prototypes before creating a carpet cleaner that was commercially viable.

For each of the three approaches there is a corresponding set of approaches to decision making. You will make VERY different choices if you are fearful of failing to if you know you will succeed and see anything which goes wrong as just a step closer to getting it right.

Think about your approach to life. Do you spend much of feeling you will fail or being fearful of failure?

2) To step into your power it is important that you make the best use of the resources at your disposal

Time, energy and money are all finite resources. Of course you can use your money to buy other people's time and energy. There are times when it is far more cost effective to buy other's expertise and experience and other times when learning to do things yourself is a far better option.

How strategic are you in your use of time, energy and money.

Do you spend much time worrying about things or complaining. Both are actually an expensive use of time as not only do nothing to move you forward in achieving the thing you desire they leach your energy, take over your thinking and make you feel un-resourced.

Research shows that on average, people tell 37 people when things go wrong and only 5 when they go right. That's a lot of wasted energy!

If you live to 70 you have just 613620 hours. It makes sense to make the most of them.

3) Successful people make as many mistakes as the general population. Indeed they are more likely to make more as they generally procrastinate less and give things a go.

So what is the difference between people who are successfully living an empowered life and those who are less so. Some may think it is all down to luck. A famous golfer once said “Its funny – the more I practice the luckier I get” Success is far more about the quality of thinking, the level of activity and the general approach than it is down to luck.

When you own your power it is easier to be more optimistic about life – and when you expect a good result it is far more likely to be successful.

Stepping into your power means having clear goals –being definite about what you want to achieve and why it is important to you.

The sense of clarity is important. If you don't know what you want and why it is so much more difficult to plan how to achieve it.

Highly successful people aim to achieve their goal or something better. They celebrate each achievement along the way which gives them the impetus to keep going. They adapt their plans as necessary – they are resilient when things go awry. They are enthusiastic, resilient, they look for solutions rather than dwelling on the problems they encounter.

They have a sense of perspective which helps them keep the end goal in sight.

Crucially empowered people take action but they do it in a very specific way. They are proactive rather than reactive. They make active choices in the knowledge that in many circumstances it is only hindsight which will reveal whether the decision was good or not. Very often the decisions we make are not right or wrong – they are simply different. It's like taking a journey from London to Glasgow. You can fly, take the train or coach, drive a car, ride a bike or walk. Every decision has a consequence in terms of the time taken and the cost financially or physically.

Life is not a spectator sport. You can choose to sit on the side lines but you will experience a very different quality of life if you choose to take a full and active part.

Stepping into your power requires you to take consistent action over time rather than making a grand gesture which fizzles out as soon as things get a bit tricky.

Think about how many people join a gym after Christmas as part of their New Year Resolutions. They buy the membership and all the gear. They go on the first visit and go for it all guns blazing. As a result their body complains, they are stiff and full of aches and pains for several days. They then stop going to the gym because it is too hard.

The successful approach would be to start with a short programme in the gym one which leaves them tired but able to move. They then keep going to the gym over the coming weeks and months building up the programme as they develop stamina and strength.

The same principles hold true in every aspect of life.

You are the author of your life story so why not give yourself the part of a hero or heroine rather than the victim.

Life can be very challenging but it is not the challenge which defines you. It is how you react to the challenge that makes the real difference. Learn to focus on what you can do rather than what you can't. Be creative about finding a different way to achieve what you want if necessary. Often the alternative route has real bonuses to offer.

When things go wrong, look for the learning which comes out of it. That is the real gift.

Just as in Marriane Williamson's poem give yourself permission to shine. If you are unfamiliar with the poem you can find it on my website.

Lean to be more child-like rather than childish – be playful and curious. There are lots of free materials on my website if you'd like more information.

Remember being powerful requires courage – the courage to be vulnerable and to step out of your comfort zone. The interesting thing is that for anything that is important you need 20 seconds of courage. By then you will have past the point of perturbation – your comfort zone will have begun to expand.

Remember these three simple rules in life:

If you do not GO after what you want, you'll never have it.
If you do not ASK, the answer will always be NO.
If you do not step forward, you'll always be in the same place

The difference is when you are in alignment with your core purpose in life – it makes your heart sing and your soul fly.

Fulfilment is possible for all of us. The first step towards creating a life of power, joy and fulfilment is to be truly authentic – the genuine you!

How do you know if you have stepped into your power?

You will know you are living in your power and being your “genuine” self:

When you live life in love rather than fear
When you feel fully aligned with your values
When you are being authentic about who you are and what you do
When you allow yourself to shine
When life is in flow and everything falls into place easily
When you embrace each day with enthusiasm and joy
When everything just feels RIGHT

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How To Have A Healthy Relationship With Others

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 08:31:33 GMT

LISTENER OFFER: Free 7 Principles Course https://genuinely-you.com/7principles

Seeking the perfect relationship with others is often about learning to have the right relationship with ourselves. In this blog I share some insights into how the way we have learned to view the world affects the way we view ourselves, and consequently the way we perceive others!
Towards the end is a quick quiz – a self-audit to help you understand your perceptions. This is the first step to maximising your potential for happier, healthier personal and professional relationships!

Your relationship with you…

The relationship we have with ourselves is based on a number of things, our genetic make up and hormonal and chemical balance – (nature), how we are bought up – (nurture) and on our interpretation of all our experiences both positive and negative, throughout our lives. Every experience we have is filtered through our senses and through the set of principles by which we measure any experience. Let me give you some examples.

1. You are in a park. It is a beautiful day. A large hairy dog comes galloping up to you, tongue lolling out. Do you think “What a great dog, isn't it friendly?” or “Oh no, that great brute is coming for me, look at its huge mouth…!”

2. You are in the same park sitting on a bench enjoying the sunshine. A stranger comes and sits next to you on the bench. They say “Hello” and try to start up a general conversation. Do you think “Friendly person” and make general conversation with them or think “What do they want? Must move away as I feel threatened”.
Neither response is better or worse than the other but how you respond to outside experiences will make a huge difference to what you expect out of life, the way you live and enjoy your life and the sort of relationships you create with others.

Know you can instigate change…

It is important to understand that you can radically change the relationship you have with yourself if you choose to do so. It is actually a matter of conscious choice. However, to exercise choice you need to be very clear about what you believe and the impact that has on the way you behave.

To do that you need to:
• Identify the things that work well, protect them, and use them as a model for other positive beliefs and behaviors.
• Identify beliefs and patterns of behaviour that do not serve your best interests, deal with them and create more positive and productive beliefs and behaviours in their place.

I guarantee that this can be done by anyone who has a real desire to improve their life and their relationships.
Any partnership is really a combination of three relationships…
The first two being a relationship which each individual has with themselves. The third is the relationship the two people have with one another. Whilst I am going to focus on personal relationships the principles hold true for us in a professional context too.
At its best, a truly loving, interdependent relationship makes us more than we would be as separate independent people. It is based on the principles of win-win. Both parties have a commitment to look for solutions that facilitate growth and trust. The relationships are built on mutual trust and respect and communication is open and ongoing.
At its worst, a relationship can be destructive, where power and control play a major part and where there are always winners and losers. Partners constantly strive to get their own way and see giving in as a sign of weakness and defeat. Communication is often sparse or built on misunderstanding. People use the same words but mean entirely different things.
For many people their relationship exists somewhere in the middle ground. There are times when it is great, but that at other times tensions surface and difficulties are experienced usually around particular themes.

Common ones are:
• Money
• The way one partner treats and values the other
• Lifestyle and health
• Work/life balance
• Trust and fidelity (perceived or otherwise)

An example would be concern about work/life balance and health. Partner A feels that they spend too much time alone because partner B spends too much time at the office. They feel neglected and unloved. At the same time they are worried about how stressed their partner is and the fact that they drink too much and are carrying too much weight.
If you want to truly understand the relationship with your partner and understand how to make it work even better, you need first to understand the relationship you have with yourself and then need to be open to understanding the relationship your partner has with themselves.

Self Audit

So what sort of relationship do you have with yourself? Think carefully about the following questions. Be as honest as you can. There is no right or wrong answer. The questions are designed to help you understand yourself and your approach to life even better than you do at present.
How do you introduce yourself when you meet someone new at work?
How would you introduce yourself if you were at a party?
Do you still introduce yourself as what you do?
“I'm a financial advisor” or “I work in insurance”
How would you introduce yourself if you were not able to use what you did professionally as part of your description?
Do you find that more difficult?
When you look in the mirror when no one else is about.
Who do you see?
What sort of person are you?
Think about how you would describe yourself to others?
You could start with describing the values you live by:
I'm kind
I'm hardworking
I have a strong sense of integrity etc.
What are your unique abilities?
What are you good at?
What do you enjoy doing?
How would you describe yourself physically?
How do you feel about yourself?
Do you like yourself as you are?
How highly do you value yourself?
Do you esteem yourself?
What gives you your sense of worth?
Is just being you enough?

Do you rely on the opinion of others or on what you can do for others to give you a sense of who you are?
When do you feel the best about yourself? Do you EVER feel great about yourself?

Take some time out to think about the times you have felt really good about yourself during your life to date. Are there any common patterns?
Consider the following statements and decide if they are: Always true? Sometimes true? Never true?
• I feel best about myself when I'm at work
• I feel best about myself when I'm in social situations
• I feel best about myself when I'm in private situations at home
• I feel best about myself when I have drunk alcohol
• I feel best about myself when I feel I'm in control of the situation
• I feel best about myself when I feel I am needed
• I feel best about myself when I am doing something for other people
• I feel best about myself when I am winning
• I feel best about myself when other people notice what I am doing and say well done
• I feel best about myself when other people notice what I am doing and say thank you
• I only believe I am doing a good job if other people notice and tell me
• I always feel physically attractive and good about my body
• I believe in myself at all times – I don't need others to tell me I'm doing well
• I believe in myself in the work place – I don't need others to tell me I'm doing well
• I believe in myself socially – I don't need others to tell me I'm doing well
• I believe in myself within my special relationship – I don't need my partner to reassure me all the time
• I'd really like to have a special relationship but I'm not attractive / good enough

The way in which we see ourselves may be very different to the way others see us. We may feel very confident and know our worth in one situation yet feel incredibly inadequate and of little worth in another.

If our sense of self-worth is generated more by external verification than by an internal sense of self-worth then there is a constant need to be recognised, praised and thanked. When this is achieved it feeds the need for more recognition because it gives us pleasure. When it is not forthcoming it creates a sense of failure and lack of self-esteem, which is potentially destructive.

Like all things, we need a balance between the extremes. If you are entirely self-absorbed and consider yourself perfect in every way it is highly unlikely that you will be the perfect partner, employee or boss. It offers no scope for self-improvement or personal growth.

Creating a strong sense of self-worth and confidence with a desire to be even better is the ideal. Determining our strengths, learning to love ourselves for who we are – wobbly bits included - is a fantastic starting point to creating a wonderful life.

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Anticipation Can Put You Ahead Of The Game

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 08:24:30 GMT

The skill of anticipating can be incredibly powerful when used well. It is at the heart of strategic thinking and works in both our personal and professional lives.

Let me use the example of Christmas to demonstrate what I mean.

As we rush about frantically preparing for the holiday season we all have a sense of anticipation. Love Christmas or loathe it those of us who live in the Western world are affected by it.

Anticipation has many guises. For little children there is the wide eyed wonder as twinkly lights and brightly coloured decorations appear overnight as if by magic.

A visit to Father Christmas's Grotto heightens the sense that something really special is about to happen.

Children's belief in Santa is finally replaced with a strong sense of excitement for what gifts Christmas morning will bring. They are more focused on the gifts than who delivers them.

As we get older our focus changes. For many adults the anticipation is centred on seeing their loved ones gathered together. This can bring a pleasant and positive sense of anticipation.

On a far less positive note anticipation can be far less positive, anxiety about getting everything done in time, worry about the financial cost and the bills which will follow in January.

For some a sense of foreboding becomes a deeply held sense of dread around managing truculent teenagers or difficult elderly relatives, arguments fuelled by too much time in one another's company and too much alcohol.

For those of you who work long hours and are married to your jobs, Christmas can be lonely.

The gap left by work allows enough time for you to recognise you need to do something radical about your work life balance but insufficient time to get to grips with solving the problem.

Before you can act, it is time to return to work where you will once again be too busy to do anything to make any meaningful changes.

Negative anticipation has the power to spoil the enjoyment of the moment. Worrying about what might never happen is such a waste, as by itself it so rarely changes anything.

Developing the skill of anticipation gives you the opportunity to take control of your personal and professional life in a very different way. If you would like to engage the amazing power of anticipation read on…..

The benefits of using the skill of anticipation are far reaching.

It is a skill you can learn and if employed on a regular basis it enables you to maximise the resources at your disposal and can help you manage your time more effectively.

It changes your mode of operation from one of fire- fighting to one of strategic planning.

The strategies work in every walk of life.

Think of a game of football. If the striker passes the ball to where his team mate is at the time he kicks the player will have moved on and the shot will be wasted.

All good sports players anticipate where their team mate will be and send the ball to that place. The skill is judging the speed and direction of the other player.

In business success is tied closely to your ability to anticipate the market. The one hundred business list published in the USA every year rarely has the same organisations in the top ten.

I find it fascinating that many companies don't slip a few places but disappear all together.
I have discovered that the most successful business which stand the test of time have a number of things in common. High on the list is how they use anticipation effectively.

They buy in raw materials at the best price.

Their planning allows them to spread the work load over the year, minimizing peaks and troughs of work load.

They appoint staff with the potential to grow with the needs of the organisation.

They have put in place a training programme ahead of the needs created by a new development ensuring seamless growth.

Their leaders and managers demonstrate the skill of anticipation. They have a clear, shared vision and this is translated into a workable action plan which is delivered by well- trained people who know what is expected of them.

The plan is dynamic; there is a constant monitoring of performance based on the pursuit of growth and excellence.

Time is used to look strategically at what is needed in the medium and long term. Plans are put into place to minimize risk and maximize performance.

Team members are trained in the art of anticipating as it relates to achieving the identified goal.

People know what needs to be achieved and look at how that can be done on the most effective and efficient way possible.

There is a constant curiosity about how things could be improved. Underpinning the whole process is trust, good communication and a sense of contribution.

If you are always planning for things in the here and now it is likely that you will constantly chasing to catch up.

Let's consider things at a personal level.

I was working with a new client who is constantly late.

She underestimated how long things would take.

She was always doing things for others when they probably had more time to spare than she did.

She found it very difficult to say no.

She found herself stressed and constantly felt overwhelmed by her life.

She is highly intelligent and caring of others she has an interesting but demanding job but had no time to organize her own life.

The result was she was constantly tired, slept badly and was constantly chasing her tail. Her story is not unique by any means.

By learning the skill of anticipation and how to say “no” graciously when it was appropriate her life became less frantic and far more fulfilling.

Learning the skill of anticipation is incredibly useful if you want to take control of your life.

Let me demonstrate what I mean going the Christmas theme.

We all have three resources available to us – time, energy and money. All of them are finite resources, although we can buy other people's time and energy with our money.

I love Christmas but when I worked as a Head Teacher/ Principle I worked very long hours and the few weeks before Christmas were completely manic.

I needed to have all my attention on school and by the time the term ended I had little energy to spare.

I wanted to enjoy my personal Christmas so had to find a way to make things work. Anticipation was the key.
Although I no longer have the same pressures surrounding Christmas the benefits of applying the rules of anticipation are still incredibly useful.

I send lots of Christmas cards and need a quantity of wrapping paper, bows, ribbons and labels. I always buy these in the January sales. They get stored in the garage until November. The net result is a considerable saving financially.

My long list of people to buy for includes seven God children, lots of nieces and nephews, great nieces and nephews, brother in law, sister, aunt, and lots of friends.

During the year I listen carefully and make a note in the diary if I hear one of my “list” mention something which could translate into a suitable present.

I keep a look out for things during the year and if something catches my eye I will buy it and put it away for Christmas. This can save a great deal of time and lots of energy fighting the Christmas crowds.

I have been known to loose presents by putting them “somewhere safe” and not finding them till February or buying twice for the same person. I have solved these glitches by having a Christmas list on the computer which is quickly updated each year.

It also helps me to track what I have given over time. The benefit is that I spread the financial load and the last minute shopping lists are kept to a minimum.

I use the same principle I use with papers in the office when dealing with presents. I try to handle them as little as possible so will often wrap things in batches before they go up into the loft. They are put into “family” carrier bags so they are ready to go just before Christmas.

Labels for Christmas card envelopes are on the computer, updated well in advance of Christmas and l write the cards in batches whist watching the TV from November onwards. This has made it far less of a chore. I am also careful to choose card designs which require less writing by me.

I enjoy entertaining but have found I need a creative approach to make the whole thing as stress free as possible.

I cook in advance, using the freezer to ensure that on the day I was still able to enjoy the festivities.

For example I prepare the roast potatoes and parsnips in advance – parboiled them, brushed them with oil whist they were still hot. I place them on the baking ray, cover them with cling film and freeze them once they are cool.

On Christmas morning simply take off the cling film and pop them into a hot oven from frozen.

It saves the peeling, washing up and time on the morning allowing you more time to enjoy your company.

The principle of looking ahead to see what can be usefully done in advance, of prioritizing the use of time energy and money and of breaking down the jobs into manageable chunks is applicable to any context.

Think about your personal and professional life.

Where could you use the skill of anticipation more effectively?

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About The Relationship Bridge

Fri, 24 Feb 2017 06:10:39 GMT

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10 Steps To Stop The Past Spoiling The Relationships You Have Now

Wed, 08 Feb 2017 07:29:54 GMT

The past, the present, the future: Where we choose to focus our attention has a profound effect on the choices we make, these determine the quality of our lives.

Learning From The Past

When we choose to apply what we have learned in the past and apply it to the here and now, we have the opportunity to develop new ways of behaving. Making the right choices in the present allows us to look forward to a future free of limiting beliefs and negative patterns of behaviours.

When we fail to learn from the past, life has a habit of presenting the same lesson over and over again, until we actually learn and make a change for the better.

The Relationship Challenge: Some people choose the same sort of partners time and time again with disastrous consequences… I see this pattern time and time again with clients.

A couple of years ago I was working with a client who had been through a string of terrible relationships. When we analysed what was going on we found a pattern. Her choice of partner had always been based purely on their looks, their income and on what she had initially interpreted as success and confidence.

The relationships appeared to start well but very quickly deteriorated. She found her partners had been self-absorbed, controlling and unkind. Her pattern was to try to appease her partner, to loose herself in trying to please them.

I asked her to think the values she thought were important and likely to sustain a long term, loving relationship and what lesson she had learned from the historical pattern of failed relationships. In that process she realised that if she wanted a different outcome she would need to make different choices:

Her ideal partner would need to be from a very different mould.

She would need to make different choices about finding a partner whose values matched her own

Her choice of what to accept or reject would be based on having a good sense of self-worth; she deserved to be treated lovingly, with kindness and respect

A few weeks later she met such a man and they are now enjoying life together.

Letting go of the damage

Negative emotions are extremely expensive in energy terms and are corrosive to a sense of self worth and wellbeing. Holding on to anger, frustration, hate or a sense of rejection does nothing to get back at the person who has caused the initial hurt.

Understanding that you CAN choose for things to be different, giving yourself permission to express your feelings and then to forgive absolutely, gives you a sense of freedom, control and serenity.

By letting go of baggage many years after experiencing abuse or unhappiness, the clients I have worked with have created a different and very positive present, and an exciting future for themselves.

Forgiving and letting go does not mean forgetting all about the issue or condoning the action. It is about giving yourself permission to let go of the negative emotions surrounding the problem. Absolute forgiveness leaves the path clear for you to experience freedom, peace and space for growth.

When negative emotions build up over time there is a danger that everything will become coloured by the past. It becomes our default setting. When that happens it is easy for us to interpret everything in a negative way. We assume the worst, look for the slight or the hurt in what people say or do or fail to say and do. It puts us into victim mode.

If you assume the worst it then affects the way you interact with others and the world becomes a very black and scary place. It becomes a self – fulfilling prophecy.

I'm working with a couple at the moment they were the perfect example of this. Each were feeling hurt and let down by the other. They found it difficult to let go of all the things which had upset them in the past yet they still professed to love one another. Every day interaction had deteriorated to the point where they were about to part for ever. Both had experienced a difficult childhood and their partner's words and actions brought up baggage from their upbringing.

The pattern had the potential to destroy the relationship.

Unpicking what was really about their relationship with each other and not with their parents was important. Helping them to consider the words they each used and clarifying what they actually meant by them has enabled them to create a shared language which has hugely reduced the opportunity for misinterpretation and hurt.

Letting go of the past has given them the opportunity to create a new loving inter-dependent relationship. They can now take the best of their past relationship and create a new far more positive way of being with one another. The early indications are great. They are both determined to work together to succeed and are feeling positive and so much happier.

Understanding your past does not have to dictate your future

We can actively choose to do things very differently. We can choose to create a set of empowering beliefs that support the very best future.

This is not about giving in or thinking about who is in the right and who is in the wrong.
It is about choosing whether you want your present and your future to be better.

Those who have suffered abuse as a child, been bullied or who have lived in unhappy circumstances have the choice to let their awful circumstances blight not only their childhood but their adult life too.

They can bring with them the sense of lack and a belief that they deserve no better, or they can let go of the past and the negative emotions created by their past.

They can make a conscious decision to make adult life count for something else and if they have children, to ensure that their children's childhood is very different.

You have that same choice. A useful place to start is to look at the way you interpret another person's motive.

Step 1 – Identify your emotions.

Identify all the negative emotions you feel on a regular basis. Make a list.

Step 2 - What makes you feel this way?

Look at your list and identify what specifically makes you feel that way.

How much of the way you feel is actually based on something from your past?
Does it remind you of the way you were treated by a parent or a previous partner?
It is not uncommon for a tone of voice or specific actions to trigger powerful emotions from past situations. Have the two situations become confused?
Do you need to deal with your baggage from this past relationship rather than let it spoil this one?

Step 3 – Change your physiology.

The way you stand, how you breathe, and your facial expressions all impact on the way you feel. If you are feeling sad, or angry or rejected, change your physiology before you attempt to change your thinking.

You can do this by giving yourself a physical shake, by dancing round the room, gurning in the mirror, hopping on one leg or doing a silly walk, even getting up to make a cup of coffee with help. The more dramatically you change your physiology the greater the change your mood and emotional state.

This is a temporary fix but it helps you manage the here and now.

Step 4 – Consider a different possibility.

Consider the possibility that the motive you have attached to the person and/ or the situation could be different in reality to the one you have assumed.

Is your partner doing and saying (or not doing or saying) something specifically to hurt or annoy you or could there be a different reason? Could it be that their behaviour is more about them?

Step 5 – Interpret the motive differently.

It has been my experience that more often than not there is no negative motive. The other person is simply focussing on their own stuff. Consider how your quality of life would be if you choose to interpret their motive differently.

Step 6 – Change the trigger to the negative emotion.

People have a tendency to make it more difficult for themselves. They make a long list of what needs to be in place to feel good.

I will only feel happy when… I have the perfect partner, a top notch job, a huge house, children who never argue and always keep their room tidy, a holiday home on a desert island and.. and.. you get the picture. Even when they achieve all the conditions for achieving happiness the likelihood is that they will simply add more conditions.

On the other hand they make it very easy to feel negative about life.

I feel rejected… every time my partner is late home from work, or when they don't have time to talk to me when I phone them at work, or when they respond to a phone call from work, or when they bring work home or when they don't hear what I say or when they disagree with me or.. or …

You can choose to do it differently. Our emotional state is actually a choice we make!

Make it easy to feel positive emotions:

It is a new day, I choose to be happy. Every time I see someone smile, or I give or receive a hug or a kiss, or I see the beauty of nature or I focus on helping others or I ask for or accept help I will feel happy.

Make a decision to make it more difficult to feel negative emotions:

I will feel rejection only when they kick me in the shin, spit in my eye and tell me they reject me. Rejection only comes if I were to consistently believe in the illusion that it is all about me and when I consistently focus on what I don't have rather than what I do. Instead I choose to take the opportunity to make the first smile, ask about them, lighten up and enjoy.

Create your own list of conditions for achieving positive and negative emotions.

Step 6 – Breaking the pattern.

Most partnerships have a pattern of behaviour and response. Eventually the responses within the relationship become automatic. 95% of our behaviours are habitual.

This is particularly true of relationships where there is negative behaviour going on (including that of parent and child). Each person takes on a role and the initial trigger and response become automatic and an ongoing cycle of negativity. There is little room for interpretation – it is as if each person is programmed to behave in that specific way and indeed that is exactly what is happening. Until someone breaks the pattern, the cycle of hurt and unhappiness will continue.

Think about how you have responded to your partner in the past.

Now think about how you might do things differently.

Step 7 – Identifying different responses

Think about how it feels to take an active choice to do things differently, to take control of the situation and to know that you have so many more options.

Identify the three situations in your relationship that currently give you the most pain.
Change your perception of the motive behind the actions that are the problem.
Think about how you might do things differently in each situation and create a list of as many possibilities as you can.

It is important that this comes from a positive place within you. This is about changing your responses to the situation not about trying to change them.

Rehearsing your new alternative in your head can be very helpful. Have several alternatives ready for the right circumstance when they happen so you feel prepared.

A simple example would be to give someone a hug rather than to respond with a negative comment. You'll be amazed at how powerful that can be in changing a pattern of behaviour.

Step 8 - Trying out the non-judgmental response

Be curious about how things are going to work and remember you are just trying things out You may need to try the same thing several times or try several alternatives before finding ones which work for you. Remember too that trying something once is unlikely to be a magic bullet.

A small change consistently applied can make an enormous difference over time.

Remember step 3… the tone of voice, your body language and facial expression are all incredibly important. Simply saying words is not enough. See yourself as others see you, watch what is really going on.

Step 9 – Evaluate what is going on

If things work well – celebrate. If it doesn't appear to work as well as you would like ask yourself “what can I learn from this?”. Think about whether you simply need to persevere with the same thing or whether things need to be done differently in the future.

Make yourself the focus, you are the only thing you can truly control you. This is not about failure, it is about experimenting until you find which way works.

Step 10 – Get some support and help

Dealing with your sense of self worth and identity makes an enormous difference to how you feel about life and relationships. Dealing with your own emotional baggage and learning to forgive others and yourself will give you the very best foundation to enjoy a wonderful present and an empowering future. Working with someone you trust and who can help you manage the process can be incredibly helpful.

You cannot change the past. What you can do is make sure it doesn't spoil your present and your future.

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How To Live A Truly Fulfilled Life

Wed, 08 Feb 2017 05:50:09 GMT

How To Feel True Fulfilment

Questions to ask yourself:

Do you feel truly fulfilled?
Do you know what it feels like to feel truly fulfilled?
Do you look forward to each new day?
Does your heart sink at the thought of what tomorrow may bring?
Do you love bits of your life?
Do you wish the rest of your life matched up with the bits you do like?
Do you aspire to having a truly fulfilled life?

Living a fulfilled life is a matter of choice

Now before you tear the article up or switch off the computer I ask you to hear me out. I believe that living a fulfilled life is largely a matter of choice. I expect that the vast majority of people reading this would want a life that offered them an ongoing sense of satisfaction and happiness – so what is getting in the way of attaining this?

I find it really interesting that most people I speak to or read about are waiting for something even better to come their way so that then true fulfilment will be theirs. Below is a tiny example of the obstacles of people create to stop themselves feeling truly fulfilled in the here and now.

“I will feel fulfilled when things get back to the way they were when I was young, slim, fit, wealthy, carefree….”

“I will feel fulfilled when I have the perfect relationship, job, family, bank balance, figure, house…”

“I will feel fulfilled when other people see how good, clever, helpful, talented… I am.”

“I will feel fulfilled when I reach my target, complete the course, become something else entirely…”

Fulfilment is a state of mind. I believe it needs to be tackled at three levels.

Level 1 – Love Who You Are

Firstly being fulfilled is about learning to love who you are now, warts and wobbly bits too. So many of us feel we are not good enough. Early experiences have installed beliefs that are limiting. These can be based on a remark offered for the best of motives but leave a legacy of self-doubt and anxiety. The problem is that we then begin to interpret everything within our experience through that belief. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Loving yourself for who you are about holding oneself accountable and aiming to become the best one can be. Being the best you can be is far more about looking for the lesson when we make a mistake so we don't make the same mistake again. We don't need to beat ourselves up because we failed to get it right. So if you get something wrong - admit the mistake, take the learning from it and move on.

Level 2 – Learn to Learn

The second level of fulfilment is all about learning. Learning is about being curious about the world and how it works. Learning from others present and past, being open to the possibilities that present themselves and the learning that those possibilities offer. Learning is also about using the experience of failing and when things go wrong to inform us how we might do things better.

The fulfilment comes form being determined to use the learning in the future. Success is built on adjusting and learning from previous failures. Reflecting on personal growth is a huge source of fulfilment.

Level 3 – Contribute To Others

The third level of fulfilment is all about your personal contribution to others. There is a difference between the feeling of self worth you get by doing things for others and the feeling of contribution that gives a sense of who you are. Those who only gain a sense of who they are through what they do for others are likely to find limited fulfilment - until they learn that being them is enough to feel of value.

It is where giving is done selflessly with no wish for personal gain that there is the potential for the greatest fulfilment. Try making random acts of kindness to complete strangers, where there is no acknowledgement is needed. Giving anonymously or contributing where the only motive is to contribute with no thought of any return. Watching the outcome from such an action can be incredibly fulfilling.

Finding fulfilment is your choice…

However trite it may seem you can choose to find fulfilment in ordinary every day life as everything has the potential to be extraordinary. From the moment you open your eyes you make a choice - conscious or other wise - to notice (or not) the wonder of each moment. It is therefore your choice to remain in a loveless relationship or a job you hate.

Plan your life to achieve fulfilment. Take time to notice all the little things that nurture your spirit and plan to tackle anything in your life that gets in the way of you living your life to the full.

Take control by choosing to choose how you live your life rather than being a victim to circumstance.

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Welcome To My Podcast

Thu, 08 Dec 2016 04:47:17 GMT

Hello there, my name is Gina Gardiner and my whole life has been about working with people around personal empowerment, about helping people recognise that they can.

I'd like to talk to you today about beliefs, because our beliefs have such strength in enabling us to do those things we want to or in keeping us stuck.

If you believe you can, you're more than half way there, but if you believe you can't, then it's a done deal you're never going to try.

I'd like to share with you a story, and it's a personal one but it really illustrates how when you open your mind to possibilities, then you can do more than you realise.

About 10 years ago I went on a course and part of that course was the opportunity to do a fire walk.

Now for those of you who are not familiar with that concept, you walk over hot coals in your bare feet. Now I know that sounds absolutely mad but actually if you have the right mindset, you can walk across those hot coals with no burns.

At that time I was more or less wheelchair bound. I've learnt to walk twice as an adult and at that time I was pretty limited but with a bit of help I managed to do the fire walk and I was absolutely ecstatic.

I turned around, and the guy behind me was a double amputee, he had no legs from the knee down. He tipped himself up out of his wheelchair and he did the fire walk on his hands.

I was to use the words of the children in my school; I was a head teacher for 21 years “GOBSMACKED”.

What it did for me was it made me realise that I was self limiting.

Prior to the fire walk I'd wanted to do a course in San Francisco. I dismissed it as technically just too difficult to get myself there, to be able to go on the course within my wheelchair and not manage.

I had a belief that it wasn't possible but after I had seen this guy I recognised that anything was possible. I booked my flight, I booked the course, and I had a fabulous time, and since then I've done a number of courses, travelled over to North America and to South America on my own, I know I can do what I set my mind to do.

So, what beliefs have you got that keep you stuck as a victim?

What are the beliefs you have that empower you? They are absolutely and entirely your choice.

Think about your life. Think about those things where you self limit by saying “can't do that, it's too difficult “

Just have a look at your life and audit your beliefs, those that are empowering you keep, those that aren't I suggest you challenge them.

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