I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

It’s interesting to know that one of the common regrets of the dying is not realising the full benefits of old friendships.

It’s only up to their dying weeks do some come to the realisation and by then it is difficult to track them down.

As individuals we often get ourselves caught up in our own lives and over time we let our friendships fade over the years.

 

Have you been guilty of this?

Naturally growing apart, lack

of effort, or Distancing yourself?

Some friendship naturally grow apart over time, and that is ok – we often grow at different times and some friendship are for a season. 

Some friendship have come to an end by choice may be due to a disagreement or a realisation and sometimes years later we reflect and feel we could have reacted differently.

Some friendship have broken down due to a lack of effort.

If you are reflecting on some friendship it is good to notice the causes to help you build and improve them.

Showing Appreciation

Showing your friends appreciation goes a long way, whether it would be as simple as writing a card or a letter to them, or taking them out for an appreciation meal.

We sometimes overlook the things that matter in life, and the best thing to do is take time out and reflect deeply on your relationships.

Tips

• Work on communication
  • Ask questions like “What can I change to improve this friendship”
  • Work out and understand each other – one of the biggest causes of conflict is misunderstanding and expectations
• Frequency, make a commitment to speak, see each other on a regular basis
• Find events that you share common interests

More Information

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/9049120/Losing-touch-with-friends-most-common-deathbed-regret.html

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/i-wish-had-stayed-touch-my-friends-sharnee-bennett/

https://www.bhavinionline.com/tag/regret-i-wish-i-had-stayed-in-touch-with-my-friends/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

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In todays society many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

The truth is that we cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.” – Bronnie Ware, Author of the Book “The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying”.

On a personal level, I never used to express or feel my feelings (Ola). In my lifetime I had learnt to bury my feelings deep within me to ignore them and pretend they don’t exist. In my own mind “weak people” had feelings and expressed them. But I had feelings. They simmered within me feelings of anger, disappointment, bitterness, rage, disillusionment, jealousy, resignation, shame, guilt, apathy, loneliness, sadness, pain & fear.

Reasons for this behaviour include conflict phobia, emotional perfectionism, fear of rejection, passive aggressive behaviour, negative notions of what a man is and show be, low self esteem, spontaneity, mind reading, martyrdom, and a high need to solve problems.

Because I didn’t express my feelings this meant that I acted differently in front of people, put on a fake false self. I did not make myself available to others, I withdrew from people and I was not fully present or engaged. I would also often overreact to the slightest slight and ultimately lived life in a drama fuelled haze that felt totally crazy. I held onto unhealed and confused feelings far too long and felt weighed down by the whole thing.

Learning how to express my feelings was basically like learning how to walk.

Once I learnt how to express my feelings, it felt like a major release. In truth a major victory. I learnt how to acknowledge how I feel, address the source of those feelings, stay open & vulnerable and to let the emotion run it’s course.

It has been completely freeing, liberating and positive to my life learning these new skills.

Finding the courage to express my feelings continues to be a major source of my day to day inspiration, and for that I will be forever grateful.

As such, I encourage and implore you all to express how you are truly feeling, especially with your loved ones

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Believe it or not, the most common regrets the dying have is not Being True to yourself and leaving to other peoples expectations.

Are you surprised?

Think about your past especially when you was in secondary/high school and all you cared about is fitting in; although puberty is a difficult moment we do have people around us placing expectation on us – like what is cool and what isn’t

One of the biggest expectations is usually from those closest to us – Family. Depending on your upbringing your parents may have said or visioned for you to be either a lawyer or doctor.
Unknowingly these expectations could have a negative impact on our growth and development, even more worrying some may later resent their partners in the future.

Go with that gut feeling!

Often in life, we are faced with moments of decisions such as attending a friends party. Everyone is going and hyped up for it but deep down you don’t want to go.
Your insides are screaming not to go, but you are worried people will label you as “boring”. What do you do? If you go you will be fronting, expending unnecessary energy and waiting for the first opportunity to go home.

OR

Do you be true to yourself and have the courage to speak how you feel, “I’m not feeling it to be honest – it’s a no from me. But have fun”.

Although difficult you aren’t putting yourself in a situation you don’t want to be in.

Benefits of being true to yourself

• You are respecting yourself by being true
• You aren’t using energy trying to maintain a persona
• You will be happier for it

How to be true to yourself?

We shared a few of our experiences that have helped:-

• Learn that you can’t please everyone
• Learn to be selfish at times for your own benefit
• Understand you have one life so make the most out of it
• Seek internal happiness – check out our previous episode on self-love
• Form a protective barrier from external voices and expectations
• Take time out to reflect
• Ask yourself questions, why am I doing this, who am I doing this for?

Remember you are the one that is walking around with your body for 24 hours, 7 days a week – do what is best for yourself.

More Information

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3617/The-Importance-of-Being-True-to-Yourself.html

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-feeley/what-does-it-mean-to-be-t_1_b_8033654.html

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3617/The-Importance-of-Being-True-to-Yourself.html

https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/betruetoyourself.html

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/dare-to-live-10-unconventional-ways-to-be-true-to-yourself/

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The author of the book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying” Bronnie Ware –  spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies and put her observations into a book.

They are as follows:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

What’s your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?

The following weeks will explore each of the 5 regrets in more detail

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As the year comes to an end a thing we all seem to do is Reflecting; we often spend this time of the year reflecting on the 12 months events and we begin to set a tone for the next year.

Have you ever been in a room where someone has asked: “what’s your new year resolution going to be?”

So 2017 is over, what now?

Are you a person who declares to the world “New Year, New Me”,  what about sending a message to all your contact via WhatsApp about the changes 2018 will bring.

Now it is important to understand that not all changes will occur straight away, and changes that time to kick in.

Theme of the year

Do you recap on the year and give it a theme? It’s great to look at each year and add a theme. For example, if the biggest highlight of the year was strengthening relationships then you should call this year the year of relationship building.

Questions are always the best way to reflect.

Exploring starts by asking question, so take the time to sit down and ask yourself some questions like:-

• What did I like about this year?
• What did I not Like? What do I need to do to change it
• How am I doing?
• What has been your biggest win?
• What has been your biggest low?
• What one event, big or small, are you going to tell your grandchildren about?
• If you had to describe your 2017 in 3 words, what would they be?
• What new things did you discover about yourself?
• What was your favourite place that you visited?

Other Methods of reflecting

Using a vision board helps with reflecting, the visual representation of your goals can help you understand where you are on your journey.

The most effective form is using a journal which has documented your every move over a period of time, you can easily pinpoint your wins and losses, your mistakes and your lessons.

Quarter Living

Rather than waiting for 12 months to reflect, perhaps try to break them down into quarters. Quarters are more manageable and make it easier to reflect and set the theme for the quarter.

Just don’t go overboard and state the predicted growth in Q1 will be 190%.

Don’t forget gratitude

We often reflect on the things that went good and bad but sometimes the simplest things get ignored, just taking time out to realise what you have is important.

Has your character changed?

Shockingly over a 12 month period you characteristic can change, start your year off with a VIA Survey and reflect on it year on year.

Tips for making 2018 great

• Sharing your goals with others helps a long way, perhaps use the start of the year wave to form some accountability partners where you check up on each other every 4 weeks to see how you are progressing.
• Perhaps keep a journal and try and document the next 365 days/52 weeks.

Remember you can’t achieve the world in 12 months

It’s good to reflect on the year but don’t be so hard on yourself if you don’t meet all your goals, try and reflect on what you have learnt, and how much you have changed as an individual.

More Information

https://greatist.com/live/reflect-on-your-year

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/20-questions-to-help-you-reflect-the-past-year.html

https://anuschkarees.com/blog/2014/12/16/your-year-in-review-50-questions-to-help-you-reflect-appreciate-and-get-excited-for-2015

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What is mentoring?

Mentoring is a relationship formed where you are given support and encouraged by someone to aid you in your development, often a person who has the experience and the know how to help you achieve your potential.

The role of a mentee

As a mentee, there are things you can do to ensure you respect the relationship:-

1. Be open and share your goals with your mentor
2. Admit your weaknesses and fears
3. Do not expect your mentor to solve all your problems
4. Understand when to talk and when to listen
5. Research and prepare appropriately
6. Do not abuse the relationship formed with your mentor

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Influence and Inspire my Mind

In a world currently obsessed with measuring talent and ability, we tend to overlook the important role of inspiration. Inspiration awakens us to new possibilities by allowing us to transcend our ordinary experiences and limitations. Inspiration propels a person from apathy to possibility, and transforms the way we perceive our own capabilities. Inspiration may sometimes be overlooked because of its elusive nature. Its history of being treated as supernatural or divine hasn’t helped the situation.

There’s a common belief that there are three fundamental ways to get people to do things: You can coerce them, you can motivate them or you can inspire them.

In the past, businesses have used carrots and sticks to get performance OUT of people.  Today, it’s all about having people who have achieved a particular goal or aim to act as sources of inspiration.

Carrots and sticks are necessary and always will be; however, 21st century leaders also recognize their limits and disadvantages.

Coercion requires an ongoing investment in a bureaucracy of rules, processes and enforcement.  Motivation is expensive, particularly in a down market where money does not flow as freely, dollar-based performance targets are more difficult to achieve and bonuses are more difficult to pay out.  Plus, motivation cannot be shared and rarely connects individuals to a higher sense of purpose.

We have entered an era of inspiration, where we will see great results from employees who are invested in not just the company’s potential for success but also the company’s underlying mission.  Employees do not work just for the pay but also for their ability to achieve something they find inspiring.

Inspirational leadership is also a lot more efficient.

As an example take Nelson Mandela. After 27 years in prison Nelson Mandela was freed in 1990 and negotiated the end of apartheid in South Africa bringing peace to a racially divided country and leading the fight for human rights around the world. This sparked various revolutions and protests alike worldwide regarding the freedom of oppressed people.

Another example would be Arnold Schwarzenegger. He rose to fame as the world’s top bodybuilder, launching a career that would make him a giant Hollywood star. After years of blockbuster movie roles, Schwarzenegger went into politics, becoming governor of California in 2003.

Following this a central culture rose worldwide for getting fit and having the body of a god/goddess. On a more fundamental aspect it has sparked people to live longer and have healthier lifestyles.

A very prominent source of inspiration is also Oprah Winfrey. Considered a hero and source of motivation and inspiration by many.  She is a woman who came from an abusive childhood and has become an influential television host, actress, producer, and philanthropist. When Oprah wants to make a change, she stands up for what she believes in. Oprah Winfrey is a source of inspiration to me personally because she is selfless and dedicated.

People’s values are at the root of Inspiration.  Values are efficient:  a handful help us navigate infinite situations better than any rule book.  They are timeless:  giving us strength to be consistent even though the pressures of life tell us to be situational.  They are enduring:  inspiring us to be principled however inconvenient, unpopular or dangerous that might be.  Values elevate us to act beyond what we can do, to embrace what we should do.

Whereas coercion and motivation happens to you, inspiration happens in you.

A great way to get started to feel inspired by those around you could be to start reading the biographies of the greats worldwide.

Good starting point

Martin Luther King (1929 – 1968) Civil Rights leader

Abraham Lincoln(1809 – 1865) American President during civil war, helped end slavery

Nelson Mandela(1918 – 2013) Anti-apartheid leader, first President of democratic South Africa in 1994

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EP33 – Navigating The Office Environment

So you enter the professional world and now you need to learn how to navigate the work office environment and how to play in the office politics.

We shared our lessons on navigating the work office environment and looked back at how we felt when we first start.

Is it faking it or adapting?

Show up?

It’s important that you approach work in a professional manner, you are paid to complete your job and as a result, you should take being on time seriously.

Being early speaks volumes, even if it’s to meeting or deadlines.

What also goes a long way is being socially active, by attending the work social – even the ones you don’t enjoy you have the opportunity to build and form new relationships. From these relationships, you can utilise to work your way in the office but also it may present opportunities.
Admittedly the social outings do not appeal to everyone but it holds more weight attending than not. We have all heard the line “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know!”

Looking the part?

Your images go a long way in the work environment, it gives people a representation of you even before speaking to you.

Now some of the office dress codes are excessive such as the way your hair is cut or if you are a female you having to wear heels

Now the work environment is a competitive space and you have to be on your toes. Don’t allow yourself to get comfortable and continue to strive for the stars.

Emailing Tips

We both spoke about using emails to our advantage including sending them before and after work to show that you are going above and beyond.

Also, the frequency of checking your email is important, try and check them 3 times a day. Morning (9 am), Afternoon (1 pm) and Evening (3 pm).

What you may be interested in is setting up rules on your mailbox:-

Even when going to an interview try and do some research behind your interviewer, find out their interest and use that knowledge to your advantage.

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCDV_85.htm

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/work/7-habits-to-win-in-office-politics.html

https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/win-at-office-politics

https://hbr.org/2015/01/office-politics-isnt-something-you-can-sit-out

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What is a habit?

A habit is something we do or think on a repeated basis that becomes automatic. As such, we tend not to think about it or put a lot of brain power towards it. For example, waking up and brushing your teeth. This is something that (hopefully), you do on a daily basis without thinking about. Self- beliefs can also affect our habits in terms of what we do, think and the way in which we behave.

Cues, and their importance in routine forming

Most behaviours that precede habits are set off by cues. A cue is simply defined as a trigger or something that triggers our thoughts or behaviour.

After this cue, a routine is formed. Essentially it’s the action/behaviour that has been triggered by the cue. Routine and habit are essentially interchangeable. Once the routine has been completed we then receive a reward. This is when the brain sends a message to your body, letting you know that what has just happened is really good and in a sense encourages you to do that same routine as often as possible until it eventually becomes a habit.

The brain can’t distinguish what is good from bad at times, hence why some people have developed really bad habits, but feel as though they are good or normal. Such examples include smoking and eating an unhealthy diet.

Procrastination

Another factor that can influence our habits is procrastination. Put simply, procrastination is an emotion management problem. It usually boils down to that all-important moment of facing a task, experiencing the negative emotions associated with it, and doing the task despite those negative emotions.

That’s the top skill needed to overcome procrastination: taking action despite experiencing negative thoughts and emotions. Taking action even if you don’t feel like doing it, even if you feel anxious about doing it, even if you feel overwhelmed, even if you feel stressed out.

I think it’s very important to understand that our thoughts and emotions don’t have to dictate our behaviour

The importance of habits

Put simply, habits manage our minds, feelings and actions, essentially everything do. They save us brain energy, leaving us energy to carry out more taxing tasks including creative thinking.

And as habits are the brains shortcut to acting in certain ways, they are seen as automatic. This is brilliant when its good automatic behaviour.

Making habits out of the things we do repeatedly, our behaviours and actions – provides our brain with a power saving or effort saving mechanism.  An automatic response requires less creativity and complexity of thinking from us.

Changing bad habits

Its hard to break old habits, as habits become hard wired into us over time, you might be surprised to find that you can actually chance your habits, especially bad habits. With time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped. Some people believe that it can take anywhere from 21 – 90 days to fomr a new habit.

Looking at the image above, to change a habit you have to start with the habit, identify what specifically you wish to change and with what replacement habit to take its place. After this you then start with tackling the cue. Tackle the cue that triggers that particular behaver, recognise it and then practice the new routine.

From here you can look at different rewards. Rewards are powerful because they satisfying cravings. But we’re often not conscious of the cravings that drive our behaviours.

To figure out which cravings are driving particular habits, it’s useful to experiment with different rewards. This might take a few days, or a week, or longer. During that period, you shouldn’t feel any pressure to make a real change.

By experimenting with different rewards, you can isolate what you are actually craving, which is essential in redesigning the habit

More information

• Charles Duhigg: The Power of Habit
• J. Fogg: Tiny Habits
• Samuel Smile: Self-Help
• Gretchen Rubin – Better Than Before
• Steven Covey – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

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In this episode, Anton and Ola discuss the difference in the growth mindset and fixed mindset.

It was only a couple of weeks ago Ola mentioned the difference after coming across Carol Dweck research and as a result clarity was made in understanding people who are settled in life and those who want to do and be more.

Firstly what is a mindset?

A mindset is the way we view the world and ourselves often shaped by our childhood experience.

It is interesting to know that our experiences shape us into the adults that we are today. Although the above may be true we all have the power to learn, adapt and change our behaviour and mindset.

So what’s this Growth vs Fixed Mindset thing?

It’s a term first coined by Carol Dweck who established a difference in mindset and how children mindset is shaped by experiences and interaction with adults

She stated that the language spoken to a youngster is important, rather than discouraging them we should look at changing our terminology. For example, if a child fails at something use the term “No Yet” and contribute their failures to them not being ready right now.

It easy to understand how childhood experience can manifest into adult life, and why sometimes avoid difficult situations to avoid being in difficult situations.

So are you going to have a race with Usain Bolt?

Yes – I’m willing to take the L and learn from the experience.

or

Nah I know I won’t win so what’s the point!

What mindset are you?

• Are you a Fixed mindset?
  It is believed that a fixed mindset is an individual who believes their characteristic and skills are innate and fixed.
  A person who believes they are a finished product and nothing can be changed, they are often risk-averse and don’t take on criticism from others.
• Are you a Growth Mindset?
  You are a believer in learning and trying new things, you understand experience is what shapes you and you will take an L often.

Perhaps we can have a mixture of the two.

For example, Ola is mostly a growth mindset person but there are moments when he will revert to his fixed mindset. He explains this as he talks about a recent job opportunity that he decided not to apply.

What can we do to improve?

• Have a willingness to learn
• Allow yourself to be teachable
• Take your opportunities
• Be open to criticism and don’t shut them down
• Self-aware – Question yourself – “why am I behaving this way?”
• Believe in yourself
• Look around you and identify people have achieved
• Learn how to turn your failures into lessons

Growth is like a plant, it starts off as a small seed but if you nature it well it will grow. Allow yourself to grow from a plant into a forest.

More Information:

https://www.mindsetonline.com/testyourmindset/step1.php

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUWn_TJTrnU

https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/

https://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2015/09/23/carol-dweck-revisits-the-growth-mindset.html

https://hbr.org/2016/01/what-having-a-growth-mindset-actually-means

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It has been just under a decade since the infamous house prices crash back in 2008, and yet many millennials are increasingly finding it difficult to get a footing on the property ladder within the UK. This is primarily, but not limited to, the high deposit required to get a mortgage.

In the year to October prices for all buyers rose by 9.9 per cent, with the biggest increase for four years with London values surging by 18.7 per cent to £485,000.

Meaning that for you to get an average priced house in the capital with a 20% deposit you’d need £97,000 for a deposit. This doesn’t include the relevant fees associated with the purchase of a house either.

This essentially marks the biggest rises for new homebuyers in many years, and is currently making that all important dream of homeownership for many is seem more like a dream and even further out of reach in reality.

Help is at hand

But not all hope is lost, as there are various government schemes that can help you buy a home. These include Help to Buy, Right to Buy and Shared Ownership.

Help to Buy

Assuming you only have a small deposit, you could be eligible to use the Help to buy scheme:

• Equity Loan scheme:this is available to first-time buyers and existing homeowners who want to buy a ‘new build’ house. The purchase price must be no more than £600,000. Under this scheme, you can borrow 20% of the purchase price interest-free for the first five years as long as you have at least a 5% deposit. If you live in London, you can borrow up to 40% of the purchase price. The scheme is available until 2021.

Right to Buy

The Right to Buy is for tenants in England, Wales and Northern Ireland who rent their home from their local council.

It allows tenants who qualify, to buy their home at a discount.

The size of the discount varies depending on where you live and the type of property you want to buy.

Tenants who were living in a council home before it transferred to another landlord such as a housing association, might be eligible to buy their home under the ‘Preserved’ Right to Buy or Right to Acquire schemes.

Shared ownership

Shared ownership is where you buy a share of a home from the landlord, who is usually the council or a housing association, and rent the remaining share.

You need a mortgage to pay for your share, which can be between a quarter and three-quarters of the home’s full value.

You then pay a reduced rent on the share you don’t own.

Later you can choose to buy a bigger share in the property up to 100% of its value

First Steps London

This scheme aims to help low and modest income earners buy or rent at a price that’s affordable.

You part buy and part rent the property – mostly for newly built homes but some other properties are included.

There are eligibility criteria based on earnings.

You can’t buy a home on the open market.

Shared equity schemes

The Help to Buy equity loan scheme is a government scheme currently set to run until 2020.

It’s available to first-time buyers as well as homeowners looking to move – but only for newly built homes.

Starter Home scheme

The Starter Home scheme is a new government plan, where 200,000 new build homes are available to first-time buyers under 40 years old with at least 20% off the market price.

The discounted price for these homes should be priced no more than £250,000 outside London, and £450,000 in London.

Why not use this Mortgage affordability calculator to estimate what you can borrow.

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In true Tag Me In Podcast fashion how Ola conquered his fears of public speaking as mentioned on EP10 – Public Speaking or Die

Join Anton and Ola as they discuss the events of Toast2Young London networking event, where they hosted (for the first time) with some amazing panellists who shared their current levels of success, as well as their trials and tribulations.

They also discuss the power and importance of one’s network and circle. They say your network is your net worth, and that couldn’t be truer!

On top of this, they also go into networking do’s and don’ts, the importance of going in with a giving mindset, as oppose to just wanting to take from others.

The panellist included:-

Mariam Mola – http://mentormatcher.co.uk/

They all give amazing insight into their journies highlighting the network formed along the way, challenges faced, books that helped shaped who they are, mistakes made and the importance of naturing your relationships.

So to cut the long story short I have less than 4 weeks to raise £39k the sad reality of this is if I don’t raise this money I won’t be able to go to #everest2018 I have trained so hard for this and I honestly feel mentally and physically ready, if you’ve not done so please donate what you can today, you will be surprised how far a small contribution goes. Link in bio. #silverline #ican #motivation #depression #anxiety #selfworth #lowmood #stress #help #social #socialservices #probation #dwp #jcp #help #pt #change #save #grow #community #slp #dwp #sas #whodareswins #breakpoint #confidence #resilience #leadership

A post shared by Moses Adeyemi (@moses_ican) on Oct 24, 2017 at 3:01pm PDT

What our network has done for us?

Mohamed of Brixton soup kitchen said having a network and the right individuals can help you accelerate to your destination and this statement is true.

Along our journeys we have made some excellent contact which has excelled our development and growth, it is important to build new connections whether it career related or business.

Networking doesn’t have to be all about business, it could be about forming new relationship and friendship.

Here are some of our tips:-

• Speak to as many people – You have a fixed amount of time to make contact with the people around try and find a balance between being a serial networker and forming meaningful connections
• Build connection first – Don’t hand your business card to everyone you come across, try and build a rapport with the person you are talking to.
•  Why are you there? – Establish the reason you have attended the event, what are you hoping to get out of the event.
• Be confidence – No magic potion here but take a deep breath and ground yourself, adopt the superman power pose to give the image of confidence.
• Get their early – To avoid anxiety and feeling overwhelmed head to the venue early, smaller crowds will make things easier for you
• Two or Three people in a group – Tackle small group as opposed to large one, it just makes it easier to make a connection.

More Information

https://hbr.org/2016/05/learn-to-love-networking

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Business_networking

https://www.entrepreneur.com/encyclopedia/networking

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Although not spoke about as often, we all need love. The funny thing is most people spend most of their energy on loving others around us. Such as family, friends, colleagues etc. the thing is that those around us can only provide us with so much love, and it comes as of and when they wish to show it.

There is where self-love comes in. it gives you the power and confidence to feel amazing about yourself whenever you wish, without being dependant on the love of others. Funnily enough there are health benefits of self-love.

Benefits of Self-love

Apart from the obvious of the feel good factor, self-love can benefit your life in many ways, too:

• Reduced Stress levels and Increase in Performance. Self-love reduces stress, lessens procrastination and reduces performance anxiety around deadlines.Without those last minute doubts about yourself, you can complete projects with all of your energy, rather than wasting some on procrastination and setting yourself up for failure.
• Better Able to Deal With Adversity.People who practice self-love rebound from adversity faster than those who wallow in self-loathing. You can’t control what life throws at you, but you can manage your own response. People who feel good about themselves handle life crises better and move on to the good times faster.
• Greater Life Satisfaction. Greater life satisfaction is associated with people who practice self-love. Appreciating yourself helps you appreciate your life. When you hold yourself in high esteem and know you are fulfilling your purpose in life, you tend to have more enjoyment and a more positive attitude toward the future.
• Motivation for Healthy Habits. Self-love can motivate you to adopt healthy habits and take care of your physical self. It doesn’t mean you don’t see room for improvement, it just means you care enough to value all of the parts of you. You express your love for yourself by doing things that make you look and feel your best.
• Better Mental Health. Mental health issues are more likely to resolve quickly — or less likely to develop altogether— for people who love themselves. Self-love can keep you from getting lost in your own head and going down a path toward negative thoughts and feelings. People who find themselves struggling with addiction or other mental health issues often need to develop a stronger positive relationship with themselves, and find that self-love can help lead them out of their disorders.

Ways to actually show love to yourself

Now it’s all good and well understanding the benefits it can provide but here are practical steps to actually show that love to yourself.

Recognizing the value of self-love is the first step to improving your quality of life. Adding more self-love to your life is the next thing you need to accomplish. Here are some tips to help you:

• Understand and Define Your Own Beauty. Don’t wait until you lose weight or get the perfect hairstyle to love yourself. You can love yourself now bychanging your focus on what’s important. Start with one small feature and decide to love that part of you first. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it’s uniquely you. You may decide to love your feet because they have carried you through life in heels and sneakers. They take a lot of abuse, but they continue to hold you up. Or, you might love your eyes because they have that unique coloration and sparkle you identify with.
• Change Your Self-Talk. The little voice inside your head that can drag you down when you make a mistake must be changed. You probably wouldn’t talk that way to someone you love, so why say it to yourself? Replace that negative self-talk with something positive and up-lifting. When you make a mistake, try an encouraging phrase like, “It’s ok! I’ll just try again.”
• Pamper Yourself. When your feet get wet in the rain, go home and put on dry socks. Be more aware of your physical condition and do things to comfortyourself. Wait for the water to get warm before washing your hands. When you’re tired after a long day at work, sit down and take a break before making dinner or doing other chores rather than just pushing through. These are small ways you let yourself know that your comfort and well-being are important.

Skills can be taught and untaught. As such, you can learn to love yourself and reap the benefits in your life. Making a conscious effort to improve your relationship with yourself can have many rewards. I would like to finish with the fact that we are only on this earth for a limited amount of time, and as beautiful as it is to give yourself to someone else – it’s just as equally important to love and appreciate yourself. Self-love

Relevant links to explore on the idea of self-love and worth

https://medium.com/mindvalley/why-self-love-is-as-important-as-loving-others-d8d352c7f1e2

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/love-yourself-science-study_n_5900878

Relevant books:

5 love languages

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We are back again and with a really interesting topic, this week we openly discussed our encounters and views of dating online.

Online dating is the practice of searching for a romantic or sexual partner on the Internet, with a variety of mobile apps it fits into an everyday person lifestyle.

It’s common to hear that If you haven’t met your partner at university or at work, then it will be tough for you to find a partner.

There is some truth in this an average person spends most their time commuting, and at work what other opportunities are there to meet your next partner.

1 in 5 relationship have met their partner online, which highlights the changes within society.

The common ways people meet are usually when they are out and about, in social settings with friends or online dating.

Matching up by friends aka the friend referral offers some advantages such as a Full MOT check with past drivers (maybe too much information), but you know they share similar qualities – if you show me your friends it will show me who you are.

Online Dating Stigma

But have you heard of the stigmas usually attached to online dating?

Do you agree with the stigmas? Is it a sign of desperation? Or is it coming to terms with the trend – if you can’t beat them join them?

Interested in something different? There’s a site for you?

Now there are 100s of website and apps dedicated to online dating addressing people’s interests and hobbies; like take for example if you are a fan of dogs believe it or not, there is a dating site solely for dog lovers.

Quantity over Quality

After sharing how we came to terms of dating online and joining the infamous “finger swiping” lifestyle we spoke about our experience on some of them.

Plenty of fish also know as POF is a well-known dating app – just take one look at the app store, but Ola questioned the calibre of people on the site.

Bumble is a great app but Anton questioned how popular the app was simply because of seeing old profiles of people who are now in a relationship even married with children.

Tinder has a reputation as being filled with men who just want to have fun.

Eharmony – We joked and laughed about Ola dating profile, and said paying for online sites is almost like paying for love, but paid sites offer a bit more quality.
Eharmony makes it’s users complete a detailed questionnaire to correlate them with potential matches who have similar wants, desires and personalities. Taking away that feeling of dating or looking is a job in itself.

It’s normal to be on various of dating sites, the important thing is you have to find a site that suits you.

Downfalls of online dating

• Catfishing moments – The moment you turn up to a date and the person you are meeting looks nothing like their photos.
• Does online dating amplify our shallow behaviours, we all know first impressions are important, and attraction is a key factor in deciding on a future partner. So does the power of swiping have an overall impact on our judgement in real life?
• People expect you to go above and beyond and a simple – “Hello Hi”  does not work, some people profile explicitly states if you say “Hello, how are you?” they won’t reply back.
  Understandably a large volume of messages has led people to put these statements out there but, it’s got to be a two-way thing.
• Extending from the above, you have put in some effort in, it’s essential on these platforms. You may be the best person ever but I can’t tell that by a photo. If there is no effort then time to keep it moving.

Online Dating terms

Interestingly online dating has created new terms:-

• Benching Otherwise known as bread-crumbing, this is when someone you’ve been dating stops agreeing to meet in person, but continues to contact you over message and social media.

• Ghosting occurs when someone you’re dating suddenly stops making any contact, giving no signs at all that they’re no longer interested.  It’s usually a result of them being too afraid to tell you they don’t want to take things any further.
• Zombieing To be zombied is to have someone you care about to disappear from your life altogether only to have them bring a relationship back from the dead with an out-of-the-blue text or interaction on social media

Tag Me In Dating Tips

• Take time out, it is important that people take time out when they’ve come out a relationship, be single and learn how to be single.
• Adapt with times, if you are someone who been single for a while and haven’t met anyone give online dating a chance.
• Cut the chat, you’ve matched with someone but it’s now a month and you are still talking…. take the leap and meet up.
• Be smart and safe when dating, meet in public and let someone aware of your plans.

Anyway if you enjoyed the episode let us know and tweet as @tagmeinpodcast. We would also like to hear any dating questions you have for us?

Got some stories or screenshots to share – get at us.

Useful Links:

https://www.eharmony.com/

https://www.okcupid.com/

https://www.match.com/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/03/23/the-truth-about-online-dating-according-to-someone-who-has-been-studying-it-for-years/?utm_term=.735a1c624ec2

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/topic/online-dating

https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/online-dating-advice/7-things-know-youre-new-online-dating/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/online-dating

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/the-20-best-online-dating-websites/

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Although it may seem like a relatively simple task, becoming and being an adult is not as easy as it sounds.

Most would be confused to think that being an adult is something that simply comes with age, whereas others would argue that its more to do with life experience and lessons learnt over the years.

I think its safe to say that its probably a combination of both age and life experience that defines you as an adult.

I recently read an amazing article that made various points to remember and consider with adult life.

I think most of the points relate to life in general but more so in adult life.

“Note: It’s not easy.

1. Don’t be an idiot, generally.

2. If you’re going to drive, don’t drink. See 1 above.

3. When you’re driving, leave your phone alone. Snapchat can wait.

4. And leave it alone when you’re with people, the kind you can reach out and touch.

5. Ask for help when you need it. Don’t struggle alone.

6. Don’t expect too much from people and don’t blame anyone for the way your life turned out. Take responsibility.

7. Face your past, make peace with it and move along.

8. Read, please.

9. Be that person who knows a little about a lot and a lot about one thing at least.

10. Stop talking about other people so much. Maybe stop talking so much, generally.

11. Save, a little at a time. It’s called discipline and discipline is essential for living a grown-up life.

12. You know the guy who buys everyone drinks at the bar on pay day? Don’t be him. He’s the poster boy for idiocy.

13. I’ll reinforce that point: Rich people don’t need to buy strangers a round of drinks to prove anything. It proves nothing.

14. Don’t crash weddings. It’s beneath you. Shut up already about the gastronomic value of small chops. Don’t let your appetite embarrass you.

15. When you’re actually invited (as in you have an actual invite), attend the marriage ceremony itself and skip the reception. The first is beautiful, the second usually taints the awe of the first: hunger and alcohol bring out the worst in people.

16. Speaking of marriage, you know the people who got married because “We were pressured?” Don’t be those people.

17. Be on time every time. Try.

18. Put more effort into listening.

19. Be friends with people who exist off the internet.

20. Don’t beg for sex. I know you’re thirsty, it’ll pass.

21. Know your alcohol limit: the point after which you can no longer trust yourself to look out for yourself.

22. Respect yourself enough to be respected by other people. It might sound corny, but respect really does breed respect.

23. Learn to cook. It’s a basic survival skill. Secondarily, it makes you look good when you can do it well.

24. If you’re upset, say you are and let it go. Don’t bottle it in. Grudges are poisonous.

25. Commit to something. Could be a faith or a regular salon appointment. Commit.

26. When you can help, help. There’s nothing quite like the feeling you get from making someone else’s life better.

27. Take yourself out often.

28. Tell yourself the truth. That’s the most basic form of self-love.

29. And tell everyone else the truth. Open your mouth, let it out, shut your mouth. It’s not always that easy but it’s what’s best for everyone.

30. Accept your humanity and stop chasing perfection. The roses come with thorns.

31. Don’t drag anyone into your personal drama. It’s not fair.

32. Don’t lead people on. It’s okay not to know what you want, just don’t act like you do.

”

Original article by Oreoluwa Fakorede.

Let us know some of your thoughts on what it takes to be an adult

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In this episode, we discuss the joys of travelling outdoors and the benefits of reflecting and appreciating the beauty of nature.

We are joined by Pete a landscape photographer who has used his passion to aid him in his own personal development.

He has also started to write about his experience which can be found here

Getting outdoors offers a form of escapism, sometimes we need to get away from the hustle and bustle of life.

We share some of our stories and reflect on the moment, we discover that all memories have a back story to it.

So why should you head outdoors:-

• Combat Vitamin D deficiency

Science tells us there are numerous other benefits to being outdoors. British Dietetic Association (BDA) guidelines state that standing in direct sunlight two or three times a week for at least 15 minutes will give you the fix of vitamin D you need for optimum bone and muscle health.

• Boost your mood
  It’s getting darker quicker and we need all the bright light we can get, getting bright light coming through the eyes boosts the secretion of serotonin, while UV rays on the skin stimulates endorphins.

All of this contributes to an improvement in mood.”

• Fight Depression

A report by the charity Mind, ecotherapy – where sufferers engage in activities such as gardening and conservation work – has been recognised as an effective treatment for depression. Their survey of 12,000 people, found that 69% experienced significant increases in wellbeing and 76% had mood improvements.

• Explore something new
• Overcome challenges

There are few places to check out if you are living in the UK, you don’t really have an excuse not to do it:-

https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/croft-castle-and-parkland/lists/get-outdoors-and-explore-the-parkland

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health-fitness/body/have-got-nature-deficit-disorder-ditch-gym-time-get-outdoors/

http://www.yorkshiredales.org.uk/visit-the-dales/get-outdoors-dales

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I found myself assessing my life after reading the below article. I thought it touched every point I wanted to and as such have decided to reference it below. I have fairly referenced at the bottom and take absolutely no credit for its writing.

there are just under 96 days left in the year. How are your 2017 goals coming along?

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Conflicts are a normal part of everyday life, we have conflicts with friends, family members, work colleges and even random stranger.

It can be the simplest of things that cause conflict such as mannerisms, interests, social opinions, and even eating habits. There is an unlimited number of traits a person can have which cause them to get on your nerves.

What separates some from others is the way in which such conflict is deal with. Some people tend to deal with issues almost immediately and can be quite confrontational, whereas others are more passive aggressive and will only deal with such issues when they become a bigger issue.

There are a number of causes of conflict in everyday life including, but not limited to:

• Assumptions
• Different cultures and backgrounds
• Differing values, opinions and beliefs
• Lack of sensitivity to race, gender, age, class, education and ability
• Poor people skills, especially communication
• Volatile, fast-changing workplace
• Limits on resources, physical and psychological

Once conflict has arisen, or is about to arise there are various ways in which to deal and manage it so as not to allow it to escalate. According to the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, there are five main key styles for managing conflict:

• Forcing — using your formal authority or power to satisfy your concerns without regard to the other party’s concerns
• Accommodating — allowing the other party to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own
• Avoiding — not paying attention to the conflict and not taking any action to resolve it
• Compromising — attempting to resolve the conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties but completely satisfactory to neither
• Collaborating — co-operating with the other party to understand their concerns in an effort to find a mutually satisfying solution

For the most part collaboration (particularly in the working place) would represent the best way to deal with important issues, although forcing can sometimes be appropriate if time is an issue. For moderately important issues, compromising can lead to quick solutions but it doesn’t satisfy either side, nor does it foster innovation, so collaboration is probably better.

Accommodating is the best approach for unimportant issues as it leads to quick resolution without straining the relationship – as such this method would be more suited to family members and friends.

Although a tough topic and conversation to have its very important to remember that conflict does actually have a positive side: it can promote collaboration, improve performance, foster creativity and innovation and build deeper relationships.

Key Points

Conflict in the workplace can destroy good teamwork. When you don’t manage it effectively, real and legitimate differences between people can quickly get out of control, which can result in an irretrievable breakdown in communication.

Use the Interest-Based Relational approach to resolve difficult conflict situations, by being courteous and non-confrontational, focusing on issues rather than individuals, and listening carefully to each person’s point of view.

You’ll find that when people listen and explore the facts, issues and possible solutions carefully, you can resolve conflict effectively.

Applying This To Your Own Life

Are you trying to resolve a conflict between your team members? Have you found it difficult to get everyone to agree? A Potential  approach to tackle it could be to:

• Set up a meeting between the conflicting parties to discuss the issue.
• Let them know that you are there to work together to find a solution, and that they need to focus on the problem, not the person.
• Ask them to listen carefully to one another’s point of view, and to use active listening skills, so that everyone feels heard.
• Be clear about the facts and then work together to agree on a resolution.
• Get practice by focusing on a relatively mild conflict first, and then try it on a more significant one.

More Information

https://hbr.org/2007/11/how-to-manage-conflict

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/on-leadership/wp/2015/05/21/dealing-with-conflict-in-the-workplace/?utm_term=.158408b7d8ee

https://www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2012/02/22/5-keys-to-dealing-with-workplace-conflict/#7237df031e95

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_81.htm

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A stereotype is a natural human behaviour, our brain attempts to make sense of all the different individuals on this earth and as a result it categories people into groups.

Now, this is not a problem but it is how and where these groupings are developed, from our perspective of young black males we often are faced with the stereotypes of being a thug, gangster, ladies man or aggressive.

The issue that lies here is these stereotypes have been formed by a person lack of interaction with a black person, these gaps are usually filled by the media which portrays a more negative image of black people.

We ourselves speak about how we don’t fit into these stereotypes and how it is important to have conversations with people to educate and change their prespective.

A positive view of the black race needs to be distributed in the media, People are often amazed by our results including an appearance at TED.

Have an open mind, and have open conversations on race.

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The Frontin’ Lifestyle

In our early years, we are often are trying to live up to the expectation of others, often leaving people with “Swag but no money”. Unfortunately, some people carry this into their adult life. Do you know someone whose spending habits is to create an image and in truth is them ‘Frontin’ and is huge attempt to stay in trend?

We questioned on the podcast where does this behaviour extend from, we referenced Kendrick Lamar songs – “Doves in the wild” as he mentions some guys will use material items as a cover up of their insecurities.

I mean, the fake chains and the code names
For insecure, gon’ reassure you not to get pussy
You overcompensate too much for the pussy

Learning from Millionaires

Most millionaires live a slightly different lifestyle to those who try and front, Did you know? Most millionaires are likely to purchase a car second hand or buy relatively affordable clothing from high street stores.

Thi s is reflected in the book millionaire next door

Another key take away is the advice to live Financially free –

get out of debt and stay out of debt

Learning From our Parents

Parents play a huge influence in the way we spend, some parents themselves lack the financial education to teach their children the fundamentals.

Growing up Anton learnt about Frugal living – which means living within your means a term reflected in ‘the richest man in babylon’.

However, over the years he has understood and seed that was planted in his early years allowed him to form a healthy spending habit.

Frugal living should not be at the sacrifice of quality if you can afford quality items then purchase it.

Learn how to Budget

Learn to budget and avoid debt; find a method that works for you whether it’s budgeting into individual money pot or utilising the money jar system of which your money is divided into 5 separate pots.

Forward thinking goes a long way, be aware of you bills and outgoing – know when they are to come out especially those direct debits.

Have your emergency Fund

Work out your outgoing each month and times it by 3, make sure you have that money saved away for a rainy day – if you have this then feel free to spend if you don’t have any saving targets.

Taking out a credit Card?

Before taking out a credit card, question why you are getting it.

• Is it for credit history scoring – be aware that a large factor on your credit scoring is paying your bills on time
• Is it for cashback – Amex maybe a Santander 123 account

Did you know? 75% of credit card owners only pay the minimum repayment

Debt

The largest debt is a mortgage, it seems like everyone wants to own a home but make sure you are not caught out by unexpected interest rate increase.

Can you handle a 2% interest rate increase on your mortgage repayment?

Making extra money

Remember there are other ways to make money on the side if you are constantly in the red go the extra mile and utilise the sharing economy we have:-

Airbnb

https://www.stagkissbudapest.com/blog/find-perfect-airbnb-accommodation/

Bla Bla Car

Ebay

Lessons learnt

• Richest man in babylon – make your money work for you
  

  Products from Amazon.co.uk

  • -31%
    The Richest Man In Babylon

    Price: £6.21

    Was: £8.99

  ‹ ›
• Set Goals and target for money, if you have a holiday coming up work out the cost of it and work out how much you need to save each month to fulfil your target.
• Rich Dad Poor Dad, it taught the two of us about Assets and Liabilities
  • How owning a house is actually a liability as it is taking money out of your pocket rather than putting money into it.

More Information

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/financial-education/

http://www.investopedia.com/terms/f/financial-literacy.asp

11 Things To Do When Your Finances Are A Mess

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If your between your mid twenties and early thirties, you may have/or currently be going through a series of low points in your life. This can be made up of misguided purpose, a trial of confused identity, and even hopeless transition.
Feelings that can amass as a result of this include depression, anxiety and panic. One important thing to remember at a time like this this is that you’re not alone, a there a host of ways to make the tough ride that bit easier to get through.

Now in no particular order below are a list of lessons learnt that have particularly stood out over the last quarter century. Its no means an exhaustive list but a pick at some of the most important ones:

1) Appreciation for what you have

I have taken many things for granted in my life, including relationships, friendships, and opportunities. When you take advantage for the things you have, they will eventually disappear. Its important to remember that when you have a good thing going in your life whether it be big or small , appreciate it, nothing lasts forever so this is an important that I think most people tend to look over.

2 Don’t worry Be Happy

A lot of people go through the majority of their early twenties feeling unhappy because they aren’t exactly where they want to be in life. People believe they need certain things to be happy, the thing is these things all take time to formalize. One thing to note is that material things cant make you happy, especially over the long term – you are in complete control of your emotions and happiness.

3) Fail Fast, and Fail Often

As im sure most of you are aware for any successes that has occurred in your life, there have been many more failures. Failures are lessons of future successes. Many people will never try something because they fear failure. Failure should b embraced. If you really want something, you have to be willing to fail to get it.

4) Your Health Is Your Most Valuable Asset

Out of all the assets that you possess, your health is by far the most valuable. We are reminded of this every time we, or anyone close to us or around us, gets seriously sick, injured or dies prematurely. You can have all the riches in the world, but if you’re not healthy enough to enjoy them, they are useless.

5) You Can’t Please Everyone nor should you wish to

The reality of life is that it’s impossible to please everyone,  and once you come to this realization your life will became much easier. There is a common saying that if you aim for every target, you’ll probably miss them all. Don’t worry about the people you can’t make happy, just focus on the important people in your life that you can simple as that.

6) Follow Your Passion

If you want to be successful at what you do, you must be passionate about it. There’s no point in trying to do many things that your wasn’t passionate about. When you’re working on something you’re truly passionate about, you’re not working — you’re doing what you love.

More Information

https://www.cnbc.com/2017/06/22/how-6-highly-successful-people-overcame-their-quarter-life-crises-.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kali-rogers/how-to-get-over-your-quarter-life-crisis_b_6715888.html

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health-fitness/mind/how-to-fix-your-millenials-quarter-life-crisis-a-parents-guide/

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In this episode, Anton and Ola discuss stress a feeling both podcasters are currently living right now.
Stress is a normal part of life and is usually described as the feelings a people experience when the demands made on them are greater than their ability to cope.

What causes stress?

Major life changes can create stress such as a special event such as a birthday, wedding, or meeting. It leaves us with a feeling that we haven’t got everything under control.

Often stress is related to the workplace whether it is high workload, being unemployed but also extends to finances, bereavement, family, relationship etc.

What are the symptoms?

Stress can affect all aspects of your life, including your emotions, behaviour, thinking ability and physical health.

Emotionally:-

• Overwhelmed
• Irritable and ‘wound up’
• Anxious or fearful
• Lacking in self esteem

Mentally

• Racing thoughts
• Constant worrying
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty making decisions

Physically

• Headaches
• Muscle tension or pain
• Dizziness
• Sleep problems
• Feeling tired all the time
• Eating too much or too little

Stress that continues without relief can lead to a condition called distress, a negative stress reaction. Distress can lead to physical problems including headaches, upset stomach, elevated blood pressure, chest pain and trouble sleeping. Research suggests that stress can also bring on or worsen certain symptoms or diseases.

Dealing with it?

A human body is designed to experience stress and react to it. Stress can be positive, keeping you alert and ready to avoid danger. Stress becomes negative when a person faces continuous challenges without relief or relaxation between challenges.

It’s important to tackle the causes of stress in your life if you can. Avoiding problems rather than facing them can make things worse.

Stress also becomes harmful when people turn to alcohol, tobacco, or drugs to try to relieve their stress. Unfortunately, instead of relieving the stress and returning the body to a relaxed state, these substances tend to keep the body in a stressed state and cause more problems.

• Take time out
• Practice Mindfulness
• Book a spa Treatment
• Get some well-deserved sleep
• Adopt good routines
• Exercise is a good way to combat stress
• Humour, go watch a film or a show
• Reorganisation and prioritise
• Music
• share your problems with family or friends
• Make more time for your interests and hobbies

Anxiety UK strongly advises that people seek further information and guidance from their GP who will be able to make a formal diagnosis.   

More Information

http://www.webmd.boots.com/stress-management/physical-stress-symptoms 

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/anxiety-type/stress/

https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/stress

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/stress/#.WaJ-2pOGPfY

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/understanding-stress.aspx 

http://www.stress.org.uk/what-is-stress/

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as most would think to believe the support of friends, family, and honest and open communication, amongst time are the precise ingredients required to deal with such an issue. it is possible for a couple to go ahead and leave the infidelity behind me, and in certain situations, it can even strengthen the relationship.

WHY??

the truth of the situation is that there are in actual fact a multitude of reasons why someone would step out of a relationship to have an affair, whether it be purely physical or emotional. For the most part, it is a deep yearning for an emotional connection – when you might require someone to appreciate the new hairstyle or the stress you’ve been under from work.

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With reference to stress in any relationship, money tends to be a significant contributing factor. The reason is that money issues tend to be a stress problem in and of itself, and when looked at in combination with the fact that its not an openly discussed topic, particularly in the UK, situations tend to get awkward and frustrating.

It is imperative that couples make an effort to determine and work out their financial arrangement and philosophy, in addition to as individuals too.

In concept it seems as though everyone would be able to carry this out, but the reality is something very different unfortunately. Evidenced by a national survey that was carried out by Experian which focused on 500 adults who has recently gone through a divorce within recent years (5). the survey discovered that money played a significant role in the ending of their marriages and it leading to a divorce. Even more concerning, 71 percent of women and 60 percent of men said that their former spouses spending habits ended up being different than they thought they would be before they were married, showing a serious lack of open communication.

What is the legal status of prenups and postnups?

In England, Wales or Northern Ireland, prenups and postnups are not fully legally binding, but they’re taken into account by the courts if you divorce or dissolve your civil partnership.

https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/your-financial-position-in-a-new-relationship

Government legislation according to gov.uk states that

“You and your ex-partner can choose how to work out money and property issues if you divorce or end a civil partnership. You can usually avoid going to court hearings if you agree how to split your money and property. You can use a solicitor to make your agreement legally binding. You can agree on child maintenance at the same time or separately.”

So essentially assuming both parties come to an amicable agreement then a separation (should it happen) can be as pain-free and simple as both parties are willing to make it.

Statisitcs

Statistics quotes from the Money advice services

• One in ten married UK adults has an ‘escape fund’ in case they want to leave
• 13% have a ‘secret stash of cash’ their spouse doesn’t know about
• The average couple has 39 arguments about money per year

In many cases, UK adults are suffering the effects of poor financial decisions made by their partner. Twenty-two per cent of those who have been in a relationship for at least a year say that they have been impacted by their partner’s financial decisions. One in eight (12%) pointed to the fact that their credit rating had been damaged by the actions of a partner – rising to one in five (19%) for those aged 25-34.

This following statistics and points are based on american study, but the underlying points still hold true for the UK.

These following statistics cover financial attitudes and behaviours. This includes money and marriage statistics, spending habits, financial infidelity and financial planning statistics. This page is designed as a resource for reporters and other members of the media seeking financial behaviour statistics. It is also made available for those writing grants for marriage and money programs, asset building initiatives, etc.

Ameriprise study on couples and money (June/July 2016)

• So the study was created by Ameriprise Financial, Inc. and conducted online by Artemis Strategy Group. 3,028 interviews were completed online among U.S. adults between June 14 and July 14, 2016. The respondents are between the ages of 25 to 70 and have at least $25,000 in investable assets. The margin of error is +/- 1.8 percent at the 95% confidence level.
• Approximately 31% of all couples — even the happiest ones — clash over their finances at least once a month. The most common points of disagreement:Major purchases (34%),Decisions about finance and children (24% of respondents with kids), A partner’s spending habits (23%),Important investment decisions (14%).

TD Bank Love & Money Study (June 2015)

• A poll of Americans that are either married, engaged or in relationships to explore the impact finances have on relationships. The total sample includes 1339 respondents who are in a relationship (not single). The National sample size of 1339 has a margin of error of +/- 2.9%. Data has been weighted by age, gender and region to reflect the population. The survey was fielded May 28th – June 3rd, 2015
• Couples who regularly talk about money are happier in their relationships than those who discuss finances less frequently: Among respondents who said they talk about money at least once per week, 42 percent described their relationship as “extremely happy,” compared with 27 percent of those who talk about money less than once per month and 38 percent of all respondents.
• Nearly three quarters (73 percent) of millennials (ages 18-34) in relationships talk about money with their significant other at least once per week, compared with only 61 percent of all survey respondents

http://www.moneyhabitudes.com/financial-statistics/

The following is a quite as well as some realistic and practical guidance steps that couples can take to get the ball rolling and prevent money form becoming an issue within the relationship.

 Corinne Sweet, Psychologist and Psychotherapist, and author of Stop Fighting About Money:

“Talking about money is often still a taboo for couples as it evokes feelings of vulnerability and dependency. Many couples hide their true money status as they need to control the power in the relationship. Having money secrets, or a secret escape stash, is likely a way of showing that you have doubts about the relationship.”

Five Tops Tips from Corrine Sweet on talking money with your partner

• Strive to voice your beliefs about money as early on in the relationship as you can, to avoid misunderstandings building up.
• If you are secretive about money, ask yourself why? Are you protecting yourself? What is it you don’t trust in your partner?
• Relationships need some mutually agreed ground rules about money – these can be re-negotiated as you go along.
• If you have unequal incomes or assets, try and work out ways of paying for things that reflect this: for example a 70/30 or a 60/40 split.
• If you have debts, try and be honest about it (at least with yourself). Take full responsibility for clearing them and keep on top of them.

Other points to consider with respect to finances within relationships:

Set boundaries and be clear on independence

Make sure you are equal partners

Talk to your spouse or partner about money

Share, divide, pay an allowance or keep your money separate?

Keeping your money totally separate

Sharing everything in a joint account

https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/should-we-manage-money-jointly-or-separately

Hopefully all the aforementioned tips and pointers will go a long way to helping all couples to sort out their financial situations and prevent breakup – from the financial aspect at least. Just to also reiterate this is part 1 of a two part series. so look out for part two next week.

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Hear Anton and Ola talk about rejection, on this episode we discuss our views on rejection and talk about the pain and hurt that comes with it.

Rejection can be defined as the act of pushing someone or something away.

Rejection can come from family, friends, or a romantic partner. Regardless whether the rejection experience is big or small it still has an impact, interestingly today we face more rejection due to technology, social media platforms and dating apps.

Yet we didn’t speak about it but Tinder has served some rejection moments for both of us, technology has increased the number of people we are connected with and any of these people ignore our posts, chats, texts, leaving us feeling rejected.

Evolutionary psychologists believe rejection was a mechanism built to let us survive in past, whilst living in a tribe being ostracized from a tribe would result in an inability to survive in the wild.
As a result, we developed an early warning mechanism to alert us when we were in danger of being kicked out the tribe and that was rejection and in this moment people were likely to change their behaviour so they can remain in the tribe.

So why is rejection so painful?

There has been a number of studies into rejection and it has been noted that the actual act of rejection causes 50 percent of the damage and the rest is caused by ourselves.
The self-inflicted pain is a natural response, in this response we become intensely self-critical, we tackle our self-esteem when it is hurting the most.
We say we are not good enough, we label ourselves names and feel disgusted with ourselves.

Interestingly there’s a physiological basis for the pain of rejection, too. Research shows that rejection triggers the same brain pathways that are activated when we experience physical pain.

How to curb the unhealthy responses?

• Revive Your Self-Worth

  Remind yourself of what you have to offer rather than listing your shortcomings, a simple way can be making a list of five qualities you have that are important or meaningful. This is the best way of boosting your feelings of self-worth, this process helps you identify yourself and affirms aspects of yourself that are invaluable.

• Listening

  The person rejecting us sometimes gives us cues that can help us in the future, at times we can focus on the reason in that moment and go off in our own minds rather than listening to that person explanation the opposite is some people will be protective and either avoid the situation or take their mind of the interaction.

• Support system 

  A good support system enables us to talk through our rejection but also gain a different perspective and a source of encouragement

• Reflect and Analysis

  Highlighted by Ola, sometimes you have to take time out and identify why rejecting is happening and what actions or changes can you do.

More information

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/5-ways-mentally-strong-people-deal-with-rejection.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/13/rejection-coping-methods-research_n_4919538.html

http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/rejection

Why rejection hurts so much — and what to do about it

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Motivation has many a definition. One simple one is that it’s the inner power/fire/desire within everyone that pushes you towards taking persistent action and achieving results and goals you’ve set for yourself. As Motivation is powered by desire and ambition, if they are absent, motivation is absent too.

Now before I continue just ask yourself a quick question – how many times have you told yourself that you are going to improve your life, but ended doing nothing?

Now ask yourself on how many different occasions have you been dissatisfied with some aspects of your life and promised to change them, but failed to follow through with your decision? Because I know this number is very high for myself. Start and stop – nonstop.

Think about what’s holding you back from achieving these aforementioned goals and dreams. It is lack of enthusiasm, motivation, desire, determination, willpower and discipline.

Although you probably have the desire to get something done, or to achieve a certain goal, if the desire and ambition are not strong enough, you’ll lack the persistent push, the initiative, and the willingness to take the necessary action on a regular basic.

In these cases, you lack motivation and inner drive. This is often what stops the vast majority of people from achieving set goals and desired the world over.

“When there is motivation, there is initiative and direction, courage, energy, and the persistence to follow your goals.”

“A motivated person takes action and does whatever is needed to achieve his or her goals.”

What helps to maintain and strengthen motivation is having an end goal/ vision/vision board. These all serve to present a clear mental image of what you want to achieve, and also a strong desire to manifest it. In such a situation, motivation awakens inner strength and power, and pushes you forward, toward making your vision a reality.

Motivation can be applied to every area of your life. There can be motivation to be part of a successful and well-known podcast (which holds true for me and Anton), to get a good degree class at university, build confidence, get a better job, or become a business owner among many other reasons.

Something to bear in mind is that motivation is one of the most important keys to success. When there is lack of motivation, you either get no results at all, or only mediocre ones.

So at this point, you may be asking yourself, well how do I strengthen and develop my motivation and zest for life.

Look no further as I’ve included various points to assist you in achieving your desires and goals.

1. Simply set a goal. Break this goal down into individual and manageable chunks, this way you’ll find it easier to motivate yourself, since you will not feel overwhelmed by the size of your goal and the things you have to do.
2. Understand that finishing what you start is important. Hammer into your mind that whatever you start you have to finish. Develop the habit of going to the finish line – too many times people start a project or set a goal and have no intention of finishing. They tend to fall and cave in at the first hurdle.
3. Surround yourself with achievers and people with similar interests or goals, as motivation and attitudes are contagious. Associate with motivated people, who share your interests. You are the average of your five closest friends after all
4. Avoid procreating tasks and activities. Procrastination leads to laziness, and laziness leads to lack of motivation.
5. Persistence, patience and not giving up, despite failure and difficulties, keep the flame of motivation and life burning.
6. Read about the subjects of your interest. This will keep your enthusiasm and ambition alive. As well as up to date with current movements.
7. Vision boards – Look at photos of things you want to get, achieve or do. This will strengthen your desire and make your subconscious mind work with you. Law of attraction.

Another aspect that definitely helps with motivation is Positive Public Pressure

Now although pressure is often seen as a bad thing, if utilized in the correct manner it can actually be a good thing. It’s important that pressure not be applied in too negative a way and too high an intensity. Keep things positive and at a manageable intensity, and things will move along nicely.

Below are practical and realistic ways of how to actually use positive public pressure to motivate yourself. I and Anton currently use this in our monthly mastermind groups to encourage and push each other to achieving dreams.

• Tell a number of your co-workers you’re going to achieve a goal (“No sugary snacks this week!” or “I’m going to keep exercising everyday”) and keep them posted regularly on your progress.
• Email your family and friends and tell them about your goal and ask them to keep you accountable. Email them regular updates, and tell them about your progress when you see them.
• Join an online forum related to your goal — I’ve done this when I quit smoking and also when I started running. Introduce yourself, make friends, tell them about your goal, ask for help when you need it, and report your successes and failures.
• Write a regular column in a diary on your goal.
• Post your goal and a chart of your progress up in your office or other public place.
• Post pictures of yourself each day.

Always remember that if a certain goal and or dream is really important (as important as you make it out to be), then going through the above steps will strengthen your motivation, and keep you going forward.

It is 100% possible to improve your life in all degrees, but you need to follow a plan, keep up your enthusiasm and motivation, and not give in, when facing difficulties and obstacles. It will definitely take some time and effort to improve your life – remember Rome wasn’t built in a single day, but this is worthwhile and rewarding goal.

Something to bear in mind is that by focusing on the meaning and impact of your work dreams and desires, rather than on, say, the financial returns it will bring, may be the best way to improve not only the quality of your work but also — your long term success and continued motivation.

More Information

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/jobs/10392115/Bonuses-not-the-best-way-to-motivate-staff.html

http://www.success.com/article/7-ways-to-help-yourself-and-others-be-successful

http://www.successconsciousness.com/lack-motivation-enthusiasm.htm

Good luck and thanks for reading.

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In this podcast episode, we speak about the key characteristics we look for in friendships. Characteristics like honesty, openness, trust, respect, and people being on a similar path in life

How do we define friendships?

Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people, but the definition of friends differ from person to person.

The characteristics we look for in friends also differs.

What does it take to maintain a friendship?

Maintaining a friendship is a two-way thing but there are things you can do to help maintain it and taking it to the next level:-

1. Reaching Out

Make the effort, reach out to your friends and try and arrange a moment to catch up or see each other.

2. Making time for the other person

With life speeding at 100 miles per hour maintaining friendship can be tricky, technology and social media make us feel like we are having deep human interaction when in reality it’s not.
Social media has resulted in a large number of friendships, but it’s about quality rather than quantity when it comes to friendships.
Make time for your friends, maybe schedule time to call your friend or meetso you can have that deep human interaction

3. Being reliable

Don’t be the person that continuously lets your friend down, make the commitment and stand by your words

4. Open Up

Vulnerability and showing your true self is complicated. It leads to deep friendship, but it can also scare people away if you go deep too quickly.

5. Experience new things together

A new experience is an excellent way to create new memories, that you can relive in the future.

5. Speak the Truth

If you want to make quality friendships, you need to take off your masks by being yourself and speaking the truth.

If you want friends, you have to be a friend.

More information

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/friends

https://journal.thriveglobal.com/5-secrets-that-will-take-your-friendships-to-the-next-level-a96953f78fd2

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So we all struggle to figure out who we are, an unnerving place to be but there are some steps we can do to help us.

Some of the key steps we mention are:-

• Taking action – we have things we always wanted to do but have not done it yet.
  Experience is key and by taking action you put yourself out there. You experience things you haven’t done before, and potentially you could find out what gets you going?
• Getting to know you, an incredibly important skill to help you define yourself.

Don’t live by other people’s reality – live your own reality

• Don’t be afraid to break the norms of society – culture, race, gender
• Noticing how you identify yourself
• Identifying your core values.You don’t want to define yourself based on outside forces, because outside forces are volatile and subject to constant change.
  • Write down a list of these values and consciously and mindfully act them out in your daily life.

• What inspires us?
• Who inspires us? Oprah, Tony Robbins, P Diddy
• Who we want to be?
• What’s it like to be in the lost phase?
• Do we feel like we are constantly redefining ourselves?
• Do experiences shape you as a person?
• Does your circle play an influence in your identification?

 There is some overlap between this episode and personal development and vision board – check them out here

As always we share some useful material that we have come across which can help you?

• Seven Habits of Highly effective people – Do give the funeral exercise a try

• Who am I exercise? List more than 10 ‘I am….’ Statements
• Have some quiet time and write down the things on your mind
  
• Growth hack Sit with a friend or colleague and get them to write you 5 top qualities.

More information

*Shout out to Conscious Movement he said on the podcast you need to be aware of your weakness – “got to see your light and darknesses!”

Want to find out more about Amit and Conscious Movement check out his website – consciousmovement.org

https://www.facebook.com/consciousmovement.org/

https://www.instagram.com/conscious.movement/

https://www.quora.com/Why-is-personal-development-important

http://www.wikihow.com/Define-Yourself

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/natasha-koifman/define-personal-brand-advice_b_8220352.html

Books

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The process of losing and bereavement someone can painful, difficult and often a confusing time. Especially, if it’s a sudden loss or it’s something that you didn’t anticipate.

This is bereavement podcast episode has special guest ‘Noted for her’ also known as (Tez) , discuss her own experience of losing a parent. Her post ‘Lost one’ gives an account of a young child learning how to cope with the grieving process and the healing process. She wanted to spark a conversation around the subject of ‘grief’, which most people often don’t discuss or are unaware of how to even discuss it. As an inspiring writer, who wants to be taken seriously her goal was to show there is so much beauty in showing vulnerability, transparency.

As well as this, she gave pointers on how to support a loved one during the process of grief. These included: words of encouragement, checking up on your loved ones, actually asking them about their feelings and their state of mind. Moreover, she gave a list of different organisations that would be the right agencies in regards to seeking help: www.Samaritans.org. www.nhs.uk/livewell/beveremnt/pages/beverament.aspx.

The main aim of our guest sparking this conversation for her was to inspire others, show that in the midst of pain there can a positive outcome.

If anyone is growing through the process of losing a loved one or you just need someone to talk to !

Email me : tezbangi@gmail.com

It will be confidential and I want to help 

On that note : ” Pain births purpose , purpose births healing’.

#Notedforher#

Yours trully ,

Tez xoxo

More info:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief

http://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/15/15-ways-support-someone-grieving-recently-bereaved

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/bereavement.html

http://www.nhs.uk/livewell/bereavement/Pages/bereavement.aspx

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01pp5v8

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